12:48 12.12.11

The title is so walang kwenta hahah....

12:49 a.m im still awake. sadness na naman ang lola :(

The Case of Being Single

Basically, i am person who cant be swayed by majority with what is the fad or the famous opinion. Unknowingly, i always end up on the minority side and being judge most of the time because were obviously not part of the norms and we our own set of rules. Its always been the case resulting me to be typecast as snobbish and mean. The friends I had were the people who made their effort to know what is beyond the "malditang anyo". To be fair, maldita nga ako in the sense that i fear nobody. I say what i want to whoever i want to be addressed. I do whatever i want to do whenever i believed it is the best time to do. Ganun ako ka stubborn. Pwde nyong tanungin ang nanay at mga boss ko.

In 2007, i had to cut short of my stint in Singapore giving way to my pregnancy. Actually, i just went home with a 6 month baby inside my tummy and i didnt explain anything, i can be that bad, i know. Unfortunately, the baby died. And with all the insensitive people roaming around, i can hear them talking about why the father never turned up. There was guessing game of why the baby died, what happened between me and the baby's dad, and were confused whether they pity or blaming me.

I remain silent. Owing the truth to no one.

After 2 years, had to go back again to give birth. Funny how things have been just repeating right? Luckily, inspite Clara being premature - she survived. But the rumors never stopped there. When they saw a cutee baby being flawless and fair, guess they thought she was a daughter of a foreigner. And when my ex comes to visit us, guess they changed thinking Archie fathered her. These were few of the cases where i just have to keep calm, breath and not mind them.

I remember that when we planned the baptismal, the church official told my mom they cannot accommodate us since the parents were not married. Being the "malditang ako" i went there and asked where on earth they got such law. they explained that they encouraged people to be under the matrimony of wedding. Easily, i did not bother to tell them my story. I just told them, that maybe i need to start searching for another religion. And so, guess they christened Clara upon hearing that :) Who says i need a lawyer?

I have experience a lot of discrimination, only because i am a single mom. Whats the problem with those people? I feel that they should be proud of persons like me who are brave to face the consequences of our own actions. Rearing a child all alone isnt a joke, so why burden us with all your unsolicited and unfair judgment? Aren't you should be thankful, that at the height of my career i chose to give life, not even entertaining the word "A"....walking on the life of uncertainties.

And why do i have to be under such ordeal? And why not? I don't owe them the answer, much more the explanation how i chose those decisions i had in my life. My only concern is to raise my daughter, give her a life she deserve and teach her to survive in this world.

Maybe, I owe her ther truth, but then it's a different story all together.

I never vie for the best mom in the world, to be a mom is good enough.

It Used To Be Stranger

I am a sucker for plan and list.

Would you believed that I maintain an excel of my finances up to the time Clara would be marching off for college. And what's funny is that I considered inflation rates and tuition fee hikes based on the last 10 years trend hahahah... You can call me OC or anything I dont really mind.

Well, finances compared to personal life is easy to managed. I can totally say that with confidence since at the age of 29 i am managing the whole finances of a tmanufacturing company. The perks of having the say, makes everyone be kind to you or I'll be a bitch slashing away part of their budget in the future requests :D. My bad.

As for my personal life. It's basically in mess. That when it comes to mind over heart things, I usually fail. Could it be because I have overused my brain before?? And it reached to a limit of functioning just the mediocre way. And when it comes to moving on, I was always the last one to get over. Not only in relationship but also of ruined friendship. Maybe because I always give whatever I have...in return, when everything fails I will be left with scars and nothing.

Because this past days im quite, if not totally free...i have few times to ponder on relationships gone wrong. And, if at any given time i'll be able to relive the times I can be wif these people. I would.

Sadness : Realization

How is it possible that the people you count on to know you well turn out to be the ones who in seconds guess your decisions?

How does it happen that the people you spend most of your time with turn out to be the ones who find it hard to trust your judgment?

How can it come to a point where those you trust with your innermost issues about life suddenly do not understand where you’re coming from?

I thought friendship is about journeying with each other and accepting that people will inevitably change, but in the end, we can expect them to still do the right thing. And even if they don’t, the loving thing to do is to stay even if they no longer meet your standards.

I’m obviously coming from a place of hurt. And to some extent, of disappointment.

If you don’t know me by now, you will never never never know me. In fact, maybe you never knew me at all. Strange how it took us all these years to realize that.

Stupid

sometimes you just wish you can take back SMS you sent without really thinking. sometimes you wish that you had just ignored that heady intoxication you got from being with him. sometimes you wish you could just settle for the one who could give you everything you want, and more, like Prinze Charm perhaps

* * *
He has probably the biggest fan club : rosa and rey love him. pei li puts in a good word about him every single day. my officemates ask about him all the time (not to mention say hi and make small talk with him when he drops by the office). my boss at esco shells out money for boxes and boxes of pizza when we drop by their house. even people who read this have been asking when we'd be together ( in bf-gf sense).

i don't know. last night i thought long and hard. he's as dependable as a traffic officer hiding along that illegal u-turn without a sign. i know exactly when he'd text (6:45 a.m. to tell me to be careful on my way to work, 4:45 p.m. to tell me to be careful going to NUS for my class, 10:00 p.m. to tell me to either study or get some rest). i know exactly where he is (tuesday golf at Zafra, friday bowling) and how he feels about me (he'd just propose, he claimed, saying that fine, i may not be his gf right now but he knows what he wants and what he wants happens to be me).

i know that although i've been a bitch and have been evil and can be totally unbearable he'd still love me. i know that all i have to do is text him and he'd come running. i know that he knows exactly what i want for saturday lunch (kfc, 2-pc. chicken, coleslaw, rootbeer, if you must know). he knows that awful weekdays can be cured with friday's cajun chicken fingers, a bag of gummy worms, and rocky road ice cream.

so why not?

because i'm stupid. because i crave for things i cannot have (correction.....person i cannot have). because i want good conversation above anything else. because the weekly dozen roses lose their charm after a month. because grammar -- even via SMS -- counts. because ...

Anything less than a mad passionate love is a waste of time.

Anyone other than "the one" is no one

AND SO.....

I stay single and stupid all life.

Christmas Wishlist

I was and never will be materialistic....that one I can prove!

Dahil kahit naman kaya kong bumili ng mga branded na bagay hindi ko ginagawa. Wala lang, parang wala lang silang dating, given the theory of depreciation...wohohhh accounting na naman?

Or baka hindi lang talaga bagay sakin ang mga branded. Mukha rin silang cheap pag ako ang nagsuot. Oh, that was false humiliation.

Or kuripot lang ako? Hindi naman :P

Nun bata ako super excited ako sa pagdating ng Pasko, preparation para sa christmas party ek-ek. Bagong damit, sapatos....tapos may christmas tree pa. Pero wala kaming Santa Claus, siguro kulang sa budget ang aming santa.

Ganun lang din kasimple ang noche buena. Parang staple ang spaghetti, puto at prutas. Pero ang saya-saya. At pag swerte, after ng simbang gabi may bibingka or puto bumbong.

Pero ngayon, parang wala lang......
Ang pasko ba ay para lang talaga sa bata?
Matanda na ba ako?
Or pinatanda ako ng panahon....fast forward....

Pero sana kahit para sa bata ang pasko, sana pwede pa rin ako mag wish....

Kaso kahit siguro mayaman na ang Santa Claus ko, hindi rin nya afford ibigay sakin ung wish ko.

Kase kahit 5x ang monthly bonus matanggap namin di ko pa rin pwede bilhin ang anumang nasa wishlist ko.

Nakaka sad naman :(

I Was Mislead

i'm beginning to think i am relationship retarded.

i'm 29, and single.

when i was in college, naive, and also single , i thought i'd get married by 25 and have kids by 28 (actually, this happened earlier). i thought 30 was so old, and i though that i'd have the world at my feet by 40. 50 seemed so old, and a six-year age gap was something i knew would make my friends' eyebrows rise.

goodness. if i can talk to my 21 year old self, i'd probably whack her in the head for not knowing anything worth knowing.

see. there is a reason why i am single.

and now i know.

Reasons To End The Affair

Maybe the most important one of all:

It's a little girl's birthday party and all she wants is for her daddy to be there!

:(

My First Baby

Happy Birthday to the first bundle of joy in our family!!!!

Super <3 ka ni Ta Ninang...

The Affair

This Monday got off to a slow start (how often does that happen?) so I found myself texting friends this morning about my current “affair.” Haha. ( At affair talaga ang tawag.) I told them there’s so much to feel kilig about, although it’s not the same as how I felt with "J" because we all know that I’ll marry J in a heartbeat if he asks me to. This, on the other hand, is more similar to that feeling I had when I was fourteen and received a love letter from my very first suitor— wrong grammar and all. Haha. In other words, it’s the feeling you know you shouldn’t take seriously because you know it won’t go anywhere, but you’d still entertain nonetheless because whether you admit it or not, it’s just plain HAPPY. I’m truly grateful for friends who share all the kilig moments with me. As for those who don’t, well, I can’t begrudge them for that. Such is life.

My friend who used to object to this “affair” but who was later on converted because she realized that it’s not as if there’s any legal or moral impediment to it, asked me if I will let my heart prevail over my mind this time. I told her I still have no answer to that but I’m just going with the flow. She said my mind has prevailed over my heart for so long; maybe it’s time to give my heart a chance. Awww. She has no idea how much that statement made me smile, especially coming from her.

Maybe this is me wanting to be reckless for once. Or me wanting to prove that it’s still possible to be carefree and happy. Or me realizing that the jaded days are over and it’s now okay to let someone in again, no matter how undefined the extent of that “letting in” may be. Or, maybe I’m just in crush, plain and simple. And it doesn’t hurt that he’s really good looking (unlike J. na dinaan ako sa personality. Haha!) and can light up the whole room with his smile. I guess, after a serious heartache that left me bitter for so long, I have all the right in the world to give myself a break. And judging from the way my heart skips a beat when I see him, it’s gearing up to be a really major, happy, giddy, i-get-so-weak-in-the-knees-type of break.

Pardon the cliche but this year, Christmas did come early.

Ewan

It's been a roller coaster ride of emotions once again.

- Ang hirap palang ibigay ng trust, but in my case it seems impossible para maubos ang trust ko to a certain person. Tsk, nakakatakot minsan.

- Ung gusto mong maniwala, pero the reality dictates na hindi totoo. Or totoo man, walang paninindigan. Believer pa naman ako ng putting words into action.

- May takot sa puso mo, na baka masaktan mo na naman ang mga taong mahal mo. Kahit alam mong wala ka namang ganung intensyon. Kaya hindi ka na lang susugal.

- Ang bawat happiness na meron ka ay alam mong temporary lang, dahilan para hindi mo ma-enjoy ng buo ang experience. 'ang hirap pala sa ganitong situation...minsan nakakapraning.

Mark This Day

Every once in a while. something unexpected and extremely wonderful happens.

It makes you think that God must really be smiling down on you; that all the days of pining and wishful thinking are over; that all of your disappointments in the past could be forgotten after all; that life can really be beautiful; that your time has finally come.

You realize that the one thing you've been asking for has already happened and that more extraordinary things are still bound to unfold.

Your heart leaps, your mind soars, your eyes weep, and your hands are lifted in praise.

And when this happens, the only thing you find yourself saying is, "Thank you, God for loving me this way, this much!"

Unexpected Wisdom

Sometimes, the best advice---the ones we need to hear at the exact time--- comes from the most unexpected people.

My former boss (of all people!) told me this: When it comes to matters of love, God is an enabler.


That's all I need to hear.

Antukin

I already posted this on my other blog two years ago, and I’m posting it again now because:

1. It was allegedly written by Rico Blanco for KC Concepcion, who, we all know, has been in the headlines since Sunday. (From Rico to Piolo…tsk, now we know how wrong that move was, Kristina!)

2. My friend posted something related to this on her Facebook; and

3. Two years after blogging about it, I listen to it again and feel my heart resonating with its lyrics, especially the part that says: Buti na lang, merong langit na nagtatatanggol sa pag-ibig na pursigido’t matiyaga. Sasalubungin natin ang kinabukasan, nang walang takot at walang pangamba. Tadhana’y medyo over-rated kung minsan. Kung ayaw may dahilan, kung gusto, palaging mayroong paraan…. Gumawa na lang tayo ng paraan.

I just love it when simple tagalog words are so beautifully put together and so right on the spot that you can’t help but think you could’ve written them yourself.
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And so it bears repeating: Buti na lang, merong langit na nagtatanggol sa pag-ibig na pursigido’t matiyaga!

It doesn’t get any more senti pero rakenroll than this!

Three Ways of Falling

It was love at first sight with Adonis. I saw him for the first time at the 3rd floor of our law school library in UB his red shirt and Guess jeans and I immediately fell for him. Right there, right then. Maybe it’s because I was so young then—hopeful and still convinced of the merits of love— that I didn’t even resist my feelings even if I knew that college was the worst time and place to be in love. At any rate, it was a good experience; and one that made those four years more bearable and exciting than usual, even though we were never really together

With J, it was a natural progression. Given the nature of our relationship and the things we talked about, it was inevitable that I fall. In fact, my friends told me from the start that that was bound to happen. And they were right. It took me just a week to admit that I was falling. And apparently, it’s taking me a lifetime to get over that feeling.

And then there’s Prinze. Unlike with J and with A, this one actually took me by surprise. It definitely wasn’t love at first sight. And while it grew over time, it also wasn’t a case of natural progression. It sort of just crept from behind my back and totally caught me by surprise. In short, I was blindsided. I’ve been trying to make light of it by telling friends that as the song goes, “It’s just a little crush, not like I faint, every time we touch.” But then I literally woke up one day and realized that I could be falling and I’m not even aware of it. It’s wonderful and scary at the same time.

I know I can possibly give in to this feeling sooner or later. The question though is whether I will allow myself to do so. Because unlike in the case of A, I’m not so young anymore, which means that in matters of the heart, I’m as jaded as anyone can get. And unlike in the case of J, this one is so not natural. In fact this could be The Most Unexpected Love Affair of my Life.

I can list down a thousand reasons why this should not go on. But what good would that list be if I know that it can be easily trumped by this giddy feeling I get when I’m around him? I told a friend about this and she told me I do sound like a schoolgirl gushing over her crush. Analyzing how I feel and my reactions to what he does, I think my friend is right. Maybe it’s still just a little crush. Although I must admit, I feel like fainting now every time we touch. Haha. Apparently, crush takes on a whole new meaning when you’re twenty-something.

But still...i was bound not to love again :(