The Quitter

All of us have given up at some point in our lives, either on something or on someone. And sometimes, no matter how long it has been since we did it, the thought of quitting still haunts us. Am I a weak person when I decided to just get up and leave? Does giving up say something about my abilities as a person? More importantly, does leaving make me a quitter?

I think about these things today because I saw a friend this week and I was reminded of my decision to call it quits a relationship that everyone sees as perfect. I had my reasons for leaving which I won’t state anymore in view of the personalities involved. Suffice it to state that my decision to leave(probably a suicide), but it was a risk I took nonetheless because it felt like it was the right thing to do. I was prepared from day one to stand by my decision. I was also prepared for whatever reaction my my family, his family and our circle of friends  would have. I told myself that whatever his reaction would be is something that he’s entitled to. I comforted myself with the thought that whatever opinion he may have of me should not matter because he doesn’t define me anyway.

I know that I’ve been judged because of my decision to leave him. That wasn’t the first time it happened. I’ve been called  a quitter by a friend who invited me to her sorority and I decided to quit after two weeks because I didn’t see the point of joining one. I’ve been called a quitter by the chief legal counsel of a company I worked for  when I told them I don't like to work at Germany anymore after only three months because I did not like the working conditions. She said I wouldn’t go far in life because I didn’t know what I wanted with my career. I told her, “With due respect, Ma’am, I’m 27 years old. It’s perfectly fine if I’m still trying to figure out what I want.” She called me back to her office two weeks later (while I was serving again with the Head Office in Singapore) to inform me that she was also leaving. She explained that her outburst was borne out of frustration. Then she apologized and wished me well.

My forever best boss, in his defense, did not call me a quitter. He did say, however, that he was disappointed that I chose not to honor my commitment, and the guy's love. I give him that. But what I wanted to explain, which I never did, was that there are vey few positive things about myself that I can claim without reservations, and having a deep sense of commitment is one. So my decision was not about my sense of commitment but about me knowing exactly what I’m willing to sacrifice and put up with in my personal life. I did not broke up because I wanted to turn my back on my commitments. I left the relationship because at 34, I already know what I want, and that doesn’t have anything to do at all with my sense of commitment.

But as I’ve said, I won’t dispute how he feels. Nothing personal about that, I guess. And the opinion of someone who doesn’t know me on a deep personal level doesn’t affect me as much.

I’m now in a relationship that brings out the best in me. If only for this, I’m convinced that I made the right decision. My current relationship, no matter how unspontaneous, gives me a sense of fulfillment and has brought back my sense of wonder.   It’s a crazy love affair, but it’s the kind of craziness that I am willing to put up with. And thinking about all the major adjustments I had to make the past two months in this relationship and how I manage to hold on affirms my thinking that no, I am not a quitter. I just happen to know what I want. And if in other people’s book, there’s anything wrong with that, then I guess I’m on the wrong page. I can live with that.