Sabi ko sa Twitter kahapon: We evolve with our desires. That’s why the things/people we couldn’t have considered before, we can and will consider now. And that’s a good thing.
May konteksto kaya ko sinabi yun. Pero hindi ko na iisa-isahin yung mga bagay na hindi ko ginagawa dati pero ginagawa ko na ngayon. Baka magkabistuhan pa. Haha. Ang totoo, konti lang naman yun. Konti pero major. At kung kilala mo ako, alam mo kung ano para sa akin ang major.
Major yung naniniwala na ako ngayon na hindi dapat perfect ang sitwasyon para pasukin ko yun. Major din yung kaya ko na ngayon makita ang sarili ko na may ibang ksama na hindi sya (at kung regular reader ka ng blog ko, dapat alam mo na kung sino sya dahil isa lang ang “sya” sa blog na ‘to). Major din yung pwede ko na aminin ngayon sa sarili ko na hindi pala ako ganun ka-idealistic. At ang pinaka major, yung natatanggap ko na na wala pala akong napala sa pagiging idealistic ko dati.
Masaya nga sana kung nakuha ko lahat ng gusto ko— tamang timing, tamang tao, tamang plano. E kaso hindi. At okay lang yun. Kasi yung mga nakakuha ng gusto nila at naging masaya dun, hindi nila alam pano ang pakiramdam ng hindi nakuha ang gusto pero masaya pa din. Hindi nila alam na kung naghintay pa sila, pwede naman palang mag-iba na yung gusto nila at mas okay din yun.
Gaya ng nangyayari sa akin. Kung nakuha ko yung gusto ko dati, pano na yung gusto ko ngayon? E di hindi man lang sya naging option. At lahat ng iba pang options pagkatapos nya, hindi na din dadating. Parang ang lungkot nun.
Kaya ito ang pinakamasaya, nakakawindang at winner na major realization ko ngayon: We evolve with our desires. Buti na lang.
I should have expected my friends to “panic” upon reading my previous FB status. Within hours after posting it, some of them texted to ask what the context was and whether it had something to do with this recent enchantment I was telling them about. I had to be honest so I said yes. And within hours after saying that, some of them called and even asked to meet me in order to “put some sense into my head” and to “bring the sensible girl back.” Haha. I so love my friends for looking after me like that. It’s not that I’m so into him. I told my friends, “Ito ang tinatawag na it’s just a little crush.” Haha. But my friends, well, they know me too well. They know that if I so much as even consider it, chances are, I will pursue it. And given who I am and who the person is, it’s very likely that I’ll regret it. I wish I recorded everything they said. While some expressed their concern by advising that I make a full stop, others respected my decision but with a stern warning that I have to be careful because I probably have no idea what I’m getting myself into (again!?). But what really did it for me, what really convinced me to put an end to this, what really brought me back to my usual proper and sensible self. And that was how it came to pass that in less than 24 hours after posting here that I’m ready to evolve with my desires, I came to my senses and realized that evolving connotes going from a lower level to a higher one. Which isn’t the case with this guy. And even if I know that I shouldn’t make A. the standard or the personification of everything that’s right for me, that doesn’t give me the option to settle for anything or anyone less than what I deserve. So dear friends, you can all relax now. The sensible girl is back. ;)
You know how it is when something significant happens, or you suddenly have an inspiring thought and you make a mental note that you’ll blog about it, but then days pass and you can’t remember anymore what it was that you wanted to blog about? That’s been happening a lot to me lately. I remember telling myself on my way to work the other day that I was going to write my thoughts about an incident, but then I reached the office and completely forgot what that was.
So I guess I’m officially old. Funny but for all my rants about it, I do not really mind being at this period of my life. After all, I was the girl who was in a hurry to grow up. I was that kill joy, feeling mature kid who refused to play in sandboxes in kindergarten because I preferred talking to adults instead. I was the seven year old who didn’t pay attention to cartoons on TV because reading gave me satisfaction more than anything else in the world. Yes, I was that obnoxious kid you all hated because she told people that being a helpless kid was such a waste of time. So now that I am old, I have no right at all to complain.
And that’s why I happily embrace this period of my life— senior moments, doble vista, and all. Pretty soon, I’ll be worrying about wrinkles and skin aging, but in all honesty, I’m not bothered at all. As long as I’m healthy and able to work well, all those physical signs of aging can’t put me down. The truth is, it’s much more fabulous to be at this age. It’s more fun to be in your 20s and be sure of what you want and how to get it. It’s so rewarding to be almost 30 and able to say that you’ve learned your lessons and you’ve learned them well. This is the best of times. Thus says the girl who waited all her life to grow up and be old like this.
And once again, a male friend called me high maintenance.
I really don’t know where that impression is coming from. Ask my female friends, and they’d tell you that I’m anything but high maintenance. I commute, for one thing (Taking a cab is technically commuting, right?). I eat anywhere (Kaya kong mabuhay sa KFC). And the one thing that makes me happy is chocolate, kahit choc nut lang yan. So really, where is that perception coming from?
The truth is, it takes so little to make me happy. And what men should know is that as long as we like you, we’re willing to let go of our preferences just for you. Case in point: I seriously considered relocating to J’s province, even when my friends were kidding me that I won’t survive there “dahil walang starbucks dun, blend 45 lang.” Haha. Of course, that love story didn’t prosper. But to this day, that episode reminds me of how much I can compromise for someone I like.
Wherefore, let’s put to rest that impression that I am “high maintenance.” Yes, I’m an accountant, but that’s just my job. At the end of the day, I go home, watch all those inane telenovelas, swoon over Xian Lim (may that guy never grow old and stay that way forever!), tweet my shallow random thoughts, and dream of a relationship with someone who knows exactly how to make me happy. It takes so little to do that, you know? So very little.
What I love most about Sundays aside from the fact that I don’t have to wake up really early is that I have more time to pray. Every Sunday morning, I take my time reading the gospel and the psalms for the day and unhurriedly meditate on them without being aware of the time. Sometimes I don’t even meditate at all. I just keep quiet and sit still as I feel the presence of God. ( You read it right, a feisty soul like mine do also pray)
Today was extraordinarily special. Maybe the tiring and emotionally exhausting week I just had made me look forward to this weekend more than I usually do. When I woke up this morning, all I could pray was a heartfelt thank you. Thank you that I made it through the week. Thank you that I didn’t allow my emotions to get the better of me. Thank you that the week was productive. And thank you that the answer I have been waiting for has come. And even though that answer means I should be making plans this early, I still have to say thank you because despite the uncertainties, I’m unbelievably at peace.
And then I realized as I was saying those prayers of thanksgiving that my faith these days is at an all time high. I can’t explain why. I just know that God has plans for me far beyond what I can see. And when I read the psalm for today, I grew in my conviction. ” But I trust in the Lord; my time is in thy hand.”
I used to have this obsessive need to see the entire picture. Now, I just pray for enough light for the step I’m on. Maybe it’s my age, or my past experiences, or these two things combined that I am now able to just sit and enjoy the journey. Someone famous (I forgot who) once said that life is what happens when you’re planning something else. If I may twist that a little, life is what happens while I’m too busy to make plans. Come to think of it, none of the things that have happened to me since my father died was part of my plan. In fact, I think I resolved back then not to make plans anymore because I was just too tired to do so. Ironically, it was upon making that resolve that significant things started to happen. And because I didn’t plan them, it is easier to see God’s hand in everything.
It’s wonderful to be at my age and, with the benefit of hindsight, be able to look back and say with much faith that as stated in the psalms, my time is in God’s hands. There is no reason not trust him.
It was before year 2000 maybe when we were doing loose pages by the window on one of the Humanitites project. Suddenly there was a strong wind and our papers flew out to the yard. She told me to go and get them and I did, without hesitation. As I bent down your pet monkey bit me on the nape. I have that scar on my nape still. This is not at all a sad memory for me. It makes me happy, actually, to know that, way back when I was still a little girl, I was already some kind of a hero. And I wear my little badge of courage on my nape to this day. Haha. Sometimes it's hard for me to believe we're even friends. She used to be starstruck with Ricky Martin, back when he was still with Menudo and, er, straight. I couldn't stand pop even then. She spends HOURS on her hair. Me, I could never care less. If I so much as blow dry my hair before I meet someone, you can bet that someone is pretty special. Haha. She's generous to everyone to a fault. No one will ever fault me for being too generous. She can get anal about even the littlest things like her handwriting. I've always been anything-goes, even with big-ticket items like my career. She makes a mean pinakbet, kaldereta, chicken pastel, buko pandan. I, uh, don't cook. Oh, but we're also almost like twins in many ways. We are whom Yoshi calls Combined Maldita Powers. We're both feisty and cannot stand push-overs. We're both drama queens and crybabies. We both love to shop, travel, and eat bad, bad food. We're both obsessed with Hello Kitty and are the only two persons I know with Puroland (that's Hello Kitty land in Japan for you poor, benighted souls) in their travel bucket list. She's crazy over Rondo and the Celtics. I'm crazy, too, period. She has always shared my joys about my family and friends and job. She knows my passions as well as her own - I never needed to tell her. She's my favorite person to be tragic with about family issues - she understands me best and knows exactly the perfect thing to say when we wallow in our pity parties. After Ches, she's the third person in the whole universe who loves me the most. My family and all my friends who know her just absolutely love her. Happy birthday, Atty. Hazel Ann "Jewel" Annonuevo! I may roll my eyes at you and call you The Nazi Lawyer and tell everyone about how you murdered a Chowking manager - but the fact is, I'd still bend down and get bitten by a monkey for you, any given day. You don't even have to say the word.
No, Carlo isn’t the name of the boy I’m crushing on. And no, I don’t have any plans of saying goodbye to the boy I’m currently crushing on. But if you belong to my generation, , you probably know this Purefoods TVC that became popular years ago…
I love this commercial because it’s about a happy goodbye, which is what this post is all about. I know I’ve been saying a lot of sad goodbyes lately, but this time, I will celebrate the joyful goodbyes I have made or intend to make in the coming days.
1. Goodbye Sloppy Lifestyle.
It’s not that I drink or smoke, but my lifestyle, nevertheless, leaves much to be desired. For one, I’m so lazy when it comes to staying fit. I do cardio when I’m in the mood for it, and then stop just because. I’m lucky that my heart is perfectly fine despite my semi- sedentary lifestyle. This entails eating healthy and exercising regularly, which, in turn, means waking up earlier than usual. Goodbye indolent self; hello health conscious one. I must admit, though, that of all my goodbyes, this is the one that will take a lot of getting used to.
2. Goodbye Self-loathing.
For all my apparent confidence, I am, by nature, self-loathing and self-deprecating. But in view of what I have weathered lately, I realized it’s time to put an end to that. I’m 30 with a lot to show for it. I have written decisions that altered the lives of many, I have led a group of women professionals on a regional level, I have loved and been loved, and most importantly, I have loved and been unloved. In other words, I have lived my life to the fullest extent possible. And yet, I still have a lot to offer. So it’s time to love myself and acknowledge my strengths and weaknesses for what they truly are. No more pity parties, no more self-bashing, no more wishing that I’m someone else. Goodbye poor self esteem; hello confidence and self-assurance.
3. Goodbye Pessimism
Maybe it’s the piscean in me, but I’ve always believed in Murphy’s Law— if anything can go wrong, it will. But what I’m learning is that as you get older, you realize you can’t possibly operate on that belief forever. So I’m changing my mindset. Henceforth, I’ll be a believer of everything that’s good and beautiful. I’ll start claiming that I , too, will have my turn, and it will be soon. I’ll stop waiting for the other shoe to drop and will start expecting that things will work out, one way or another. Instead of seeing a half empty glass, I’ll be thankful for a half-filled one, and will do everything in my power to fill it to the brim. Goodbye pessimism; hello great expectations.
4. Goodbye Drama Queen
I think I have lived up to this title more than I should. If there’s cause for sadness, count on me to dissect it so that it becomes sadder still. Well, I’m tired of being sad. I no longer have the patience to listen to myself whine and be tragic all the time, especially since I know that the good things happening in my life far outweigh the bad ones, and it’s simply up to me to appreciate them. So goodbye drama queen; hello cheerful Lorie. It’s time that I live up to my real me.
5. Goodbye Goodbyes.
For as long as I can remember, I have been attempting to say goodbye to people and things that I’m not yet ready to say goodbye to. Well I’m saying goodbye to that habit now. Because the truth is, goodbyes cannot be rushed. People are not easy to unlove. And my heart isn’t a device that can be programmed to forget someone or something just like that. So I’m saying goodbye to premature goodbyes. Instead, I will give myself enough time to heal, recover, and say goodbye when the time is ripe for it. I owe this to myself as much as I owe it to the people I’m saying goodbye to.
Just like the Purefoods ad, goodbyes can be happy, after all. And since I’ve already referred to that TVC, the other reason why I can resonate with it is because I’ve also been told by a boy from way back the same thing Carlo said to the girl in the commercial. More about that on my next post.
I was cleaning my DVD cabinet a while ago and came across a copy of my favorite koreanovela of all time…. LOVE STORY IN HARVARD.
And just like that, it’s 2005 again: I’m young, hopeful, and in love.
It doesn’t take much to figure out why I loved this show. All the elements of my fantasy life are here: Law, Ivy league, and a tragic love story about two people who opted to take different paths because their situation called for it. Oh but wait, take out the Ivy League part and that’s actually the story of my life. Sigh. Anyway, I plan to watch this show again one of these days. Just like before, I will cry at the appropriate scenes, gush at the most kilig moments, and who knows, maybe consider falling in love all over again. After all, in an era where Koreans conquer the world, anything is possible.
Back when I was an undergrad student who had to carefully budget her allowance to get by, my bestbud and I had two staple snacks whenever we were running low in cash: the isaw beside the CAP Bldg which was then P5.oo per stick, and the sweet corn in Alangilan which was then P20.00 per supot. The isaw would go with one bottle of coke which my friend and I would divide between the two of us, while the sweet corn would go with the dairy cream butter which we made sure would last for one month or even more. Frugal, happy times, indeed.
I went to Alangilan today to meet a friend and since I’ve been craving for sweet corn for as long as I can remember, I decided to buy one. It’s now P50.00 per supot and, unlike before, when you have to cross to the other side of the street to buy one (imagine me braving the rain and the traffic in Kthere just to get a decent snack), there are now vendors on both sides of the road. I’ve always liked it whenever I get to eat something that reminds me of my young and carefree years in UB. And sweet corn is definitely way up there with isaw and fishballs and banana q and tomyum. So I was giddy with my purchase. It even drizzled on my way home so I thought this is a perfect time to curl up in bed, reminisce about my young, carefree days and eat my sweet corn.
Imagine my disgust when I took my first bite and realized that it’s no longer as sweet as it used to be. Not only that, it’s no longer as soft and as juicy as I remember. Now, it’s hard and dry and ordinary— exactly the kind you can buy anywhere else. I thought maybe I failed to buy the authentic variety. Or that my taste buds have improved through the years such that what used to taste really good is now just ordinary. Or that I’m still recovering from my recent bout with colds and hence, my sense of taste hasn’t gone back to normal. I gave my mom one piece and she couldn’t get what was it about this corn that I was raving about. I simply told her it didn’t always taste like this. The truth is, maybe it wasn’t really that good in the first place but since it was something that I had to be content with when I had no other means to go for something else, I conditioned myself into thinking that it was really good. So over the years, I made myself believe that this corn was worth going back to. And that it was something out of the ordinary.
Despite my disappointment, I finished eating it, anyway. And then I facebooked about it. And those who know me well who might have read my FB status and who might be reading this would know that it’s not just the sweet corn along UB that I’m talking about. And on this humid but drizzly afternoon, when the skies couldn’t decide yet whether it will rain or not, it is good to think about these things.
(1) These maybe something anybody can afford and are readily available at any convenience store, but when it was given to you by no less than PC, who endure a 3++ hours flight just to make sure he's here for a promise, who in his own capacity booked city tours around Manila, who called you right when he's outside your cubicle, who celebrated the most recent success with me (well...with Atty. Jewel)...then i can't say no but to feel happiness right?
(2) The pasalubong from Singapore which includes Bakwa my favorite, loads of digestives biscuit courtesy of my former Boss Mr. Lim, plus chocolates and a heart melting letter... to quote "we've been missing you like our own child being far. mrs lim has only her words about you during company events. please come back and serve my morning cofee" oowwww...i so wanted to cry after reading the letter.
(3) Free books from Malkiel the Chesnuts. It was funny because he hoarded the books on Sale at National Bookstore in SM Bicutam....including those of NatSci and Geo that highschool students might not even consider. Haha. Silly Ches!
(4)The lunch time with boss and the talks like we were long enduring friends. I'd like to think that tho im not lucky in love...im showered with luck when it comes to Bosses. To mention, Sir Duke - the guy whose married to a well known actress who fought for me till the end, Mr. Lim who treated me like a daughter of his own...Starbucks Boss who lobbied for best of everything for me before he flew back to Germany and now MIB and his wife who said "im a girl with the brain to boot" haha.
In college, I wrote a paper on political tolerance which I immensely enjoyed writing. The topic was still gaining ground then, according to my professor who, at that time, was specializing on the subject. Although I found the whole concept worth fighting for, I never really made it my personal advocacy in a professional sense. But every now and then, I hear people who must still be living in the dark ages make politically incorrect statements, and whenever that happens, I turn into this militant undergrad (not that I ever was one, but hey, I had my share of causes which I fought for back in college) and right away put these people in their proper places.
Like yesterday.
I was having lunch with some office mates when this girl who’s part of our staff started to talk about stereotypes. She apparently found it funny, but since I found it impolite and insensitive,I wasted no time giving her a full blown lecture on racial profiling. But she didn’t seem to get my point. And to make things worse, another office mate who was pretending to be on my side started saying things that were totally off tangent and irrelevant. Duh.
A few hours later, that same office mate who thought she was contributing to our earlier conversation told me about a joke that someone said. Now let me clarify that I’m not normally pikon when it comes to my status. In fact, I’m usually the first person to make fun of it, and I have this blog to prove that. BUT. When the joke is uttered by someone not close to me, someone with whom I have no personal relationship at all, someone who doesn’t even know a thing about my lovelife-past, present, and future (assuming and hoping there will be a future) then I draw the line. So when I heard her joke, I feigned stupidity and made her explain it until she realized what a bad joke it was.
I hope these people realize that when it comes to making comments about a person’s state of life, there’s a thin line between funny and annoying. And unless you’re a genius like people in my circle (which you are not, obviously), please don’t even attempt to make jokes like that. And I’m sorry I have to b**ch this way, but this is just me setting things right. Oh no wait. Actually I’m not sorry. You deserve every word I said.
I don’t normally correct people. I don’t wear my religion, my education, and my values on my sleeves. So normally, and even sometimes to a fault, I don’t speak up when I hear really irresponsible comments. But there are things that I just can’t keep silent about. And I won’t feel bad saying things that you ought to know if you consider yourself a normal person.
But then maybe telling you all these yesterday was pointless. Because I really doubt if you will ever get it. Ever.
Anyway, it’s been two months. Two months of just going through the motion and chasing my dreams at the same time. In the last two months, I have taken some major steps towards a lifelong aspiration (sorry for being cryptic, I’m just really shy to reveal the details just yet), have resolved a career issue, have overcome a personal struggle, and have said goodbye to the longest running unrequited love in the history of mankind. So I guess this more or less explains my absence: the fact that the past two months were filled with events and non-events that I myself cannot even begin to narrate.
But all’s well that ends well. I feel that possibilities are now beginning to open up as I have this sense of being led. In fact the other day, I started to connect the dots of my life and found it wonderfully strange how even the tiniest most insignificant dots seem to have led to where I am now. And what’s even more wonderful is how they even have the potential to lead to something more.
I’m learning that as you get older, you become more open to life and to what it brings. My mom, who’s the wisest person I know often tells me that I should not be overly concerned with my future. I just have to live in the now and trust that the future will sort itself out. When I was younger and a little smug and all knowing, I used to think that her advice was a little irresponsible and outdated. Now I believe her a hundred percent. And the past two months, with all its random events and surprises, prove just how right she is all along.
For those who are not frightened by the solitude, everything will have a different taste.
In solitude, they will discover the love that might otherwise arrive
unnoticed.
In solitude, they will understand and respect the love that
left them.
In solitude, they will be able to decide whether it is
worth asking that lost love to come back or if they should simply let it
go and set off along a new path.
In solitude, they will learn that
saying ‘No’ does not always show a lack of generosity and that saying
‘Yes’ is not always a virtue.
And those who are alone at this moment, need never be frightened by the words of the devil:
‘You’re wasting your time.’
Or by the chief demon’s even more potent words: ‘No one cares about you.’
The Divine Energy is listening to us when we speak to other people, but
also when we are still and silent and able to accept solitude as a
blessing.
And when we achieve that harmony, we receive more than we asked for.
