Me

When I feel down I just listen to one of my favorite songs by the Singer/Writer/Producer and genius Paula Cole - "Me". It instantly uplifts my mood and my spirit. I love this song. It's not about Narcissism. It's about pure self-empowerment.

Tadhana Nga Naman

I found myself listening to a really insightful song by Up Dharma Down called "Tadhana."


And the lyrics — they hit too close to home. Tadhana. Fate. Will we ever know?


I remember one quote from a movie I really liked, "The Kite Runner," in which the father of Amir, the main character said, "It may be unfair, but what happens in a few days, sometimes even a single day, can change the course of a whole lifetime." And it's true. It CAN change exactly how you see life. And what makes us experience those moments in our lives? Fate. Fate allows us to go through that part of our lives and changes us into what we are today. But I can't help but ask: Do we really have to leave everything up to fate or do we have to decide and deal with life the way we want to?


Today, I caught myself trying to make a sense out of my being single at 30. I was talking to one of my co-workers and I was doing my best to explain to him why I am still single. I told him that I'm having a hard time falling for someone these days, or even like someone for more than a month....other than J....who happens to be unavailable.


A friend of mine tried his best to let his thoughts out about it. Of course some of them were right but we ended up just looking at each other and then we burst into laughter. I finally figured it out that no one knows why. I used to be gullible, aggressive, trusting. I easily fall in love or at least show reciprocation. Things have changed though. I no longer see myself as that person.


I sat down. Stood up. Walked around. Sat again. I practically went everywhere. Is it fate telling me I'm not yet ready? Is fate telling me Ishould've learned from my relationships and I've had enough of the "crap"?


Answers to this can be very elusive and at the same time confusing. You can never have a solid thought about this because in a minute, you can change your mind and your heart. I really wish I know the answers because fate can be very tricky.


Sometimes it's good but unfortunately, not at all times. Fate can be cruel and mean. Fate can make you feel like a total waste of space. But when fate is nice to you and you're lucky enough, it makes you feel like you're always home. Like you have found that missing piece; that one jigsaw puzzle piece you have been searching all along.


Sometimes, it can be in a form of a person you fell in love with. But it can also be the simplicity of knowing that it's all about waiting. And appreciating what you have and not minding about what you don't have.


Probably because I still haven't found someone who just doesn't make me feel "kilig" inside but someone who has a unique connection with me. A connection no person can make. And as cliché as it goes: a spark. Only fate gives us that. And I agree.


Also, I've always had that notion that I'd marry early, have kids and a happy family, having my career on the side and my family coming first. That's before I learned the true essence of love and relationship: that love isn't always the good stuff, it's about compromise and acceptance, and being ready for pain and sacrifice, which is never easy.


I also learned that TRUE LOVE means not going to a battle alone. I believe fate is what brings true love to two people. When fate decides it's time, whoever you are, whatever you are, that's it.


And that your FAITH in FATE is something that always gives you that spark of hope of finding exactly what you are looking for....at the height of being in despair of the plight you are into now.

The Man That He Was

>>>this is the essence of his talk...i do hope i understand you clearly. i so love you!!!!

I am not the man I used to be,
open your heart and you will see.


There were times I treated you bad,
making you cry, and making you mad.


Will you always remember my misdeeds forever,
giving me peace and tranquillity never?


I am not the man I used to be,
open your heart and you will see.


I will show you the best I can,
the better man I now am.


The things I did are all in the past,
please do not allow these memories of me to last.


Open your heart and you will see.
I am not the man I used to be

I Choose What

The quantum of reasons on wether I choose one thing over the other needs an intelligent perspective. It is comparable to a step away from the reality and illusion. Have you felt being bound to choose between leaving and staying? Both of which will make you a better person.... And it breaks your heart to even think whichever is left unchosen...

Top of the list is identity.
I had tried to deny and hide the truth about someone's identity. But who i am to question how the universe work its wonders? Deserving or not....truth will always be the truth. Forget about the future. Forget about fears. Forget about the questions. I think i owe it to them.... One points for honesty...

Another thing to ponder is the offer which has been circulating over 3 months ago before i finally have this long vacation. Gwapo Boss was the one who articulated the idea and was soon officialized by Starbucks Boss. Money wise you can't resist the offer. Singapore Vs Brunei wont be an issue also since im just alone wherever i will be. But now.....7 months from now is a major consideration. That made me so undecided....

To forego happiness and walk on the right path.....this comes like an impossible choice. Lets see............ probably......

Meatballs To My Spaghetti

i have a friend who, after dating this guy several times, was told by the guy that the reason why he felt he had to stop was that he felt like he was just "meatballs" to her "spaghetti" -- nice to have but really unessential to make things complete.


after the requisite laughter at the end of the narration, my friend turned to me and said, "you'realso like that -- your life is so complete, so put together already that any guy dating you would just feel like meatballs to your spaghetti."


now for someone who doesn't even like meatballs in her spaghetti, that was more than slightly distressing! does that mean i turn men off cause i've got it all figured out? do i have to revert to helpless status and pretend i can't do anything by myself?


i'd like to hope all my hard-earned handyman skills aren't turning men off. and if i am the "complete" package already then let it be just something to make the total package even more attractive. yes, for men i guess it's nice to feel needed. but at the end of the day, wouldn't they want someone who isn't a shadow of the person she could be but someone who is living out her full potential every single day?


considering i'm still single, maybe my "i'm a survivor" stance isn't really the most attractive thing in the world. but then again, my bestfriend has repeatedly dated a host of simpering wusses. yes, they're there for a couple of months, basking is unaduleterated love. but at the end of the day, their little helpless worlds are shattered once he deems them too needy for his taste.


so i think i'll stay the way i am and wait for that wonderful man who wouldn't mind being meatballs to my spaghetti. because while my spaghetti's complete, meatballs would it even better.

Rainbow

Lest you get the impression that I don’t patronize OPM, I’m also listing down my favorite Pinoy songs.

---Tuwing Umuulan At Kapiling Ka.

Still My Favorite Pinoy Song. It’s just so happy that my favorite band, Eraserheads, also did their version of it, so I could love song and singer together. Haha. It’s a screaming happy song, an ode to both love and the rain, and the lyrics are a testament to the Pinoy’s poetic genius (specifically Ryan Cayabyab’s). I love this song SO MUCH I insisted it be played in church at my wedding (....everybody is entitled to dream right?)

---Umagang Kay Ganda.

This song is so bright and uplifting, you can almost feel the morning sunshine filtering thru the
windows. Wait, that’s so not typical of me, right? I’m more angry Goth Evanescence kind of thing. Haha. Whadahell, don’t put me in a box. I love this song, bright, happy people vibe notwithstanding. We played it at my wedding, too, of course.

---Rainbow.
Whatever to happened to South Border? They used to come up with amazing songs like Rainbow and Kahit Kailan. Rainbow was what Paula, Thom, Beavis, and I used to sing to make ourselves feel a little bit better, that year in Scudo when not one of us was promoted - and this girl we didn’t like was. Haha. It takes a true singer to pull off a decent rendition of Rainbow, which I have no illusion of being, but never mind - I majorly love Rainbow, anyway.

---Salamat.

This song speaks for itself. It’s brilliant and heartfelt, it rocks and soars. If it’s the only song The Dawn ever did, it would’ve been enough. Nothing I write can do justice to the greatness
that is this song.

---Tulog Na.
It was Beavis who introduced me to Sugarfree. He also gave me CDs of Hale,Soapdish, Spongecola, Kitchie Nadal. (Beavis is so young, I swear. Haha.) My favorite of all the songs from him is this. It’s a lullaby and love song at the same time. You can sing it to your hubby or kids or both. I love that it’s so sweet and gentle, and suddenly turns rock in the chorus. Haha.

---Harana.

My love Parokya ni Edgar more than you can imagine, but I also like them, especially bcoz Chito Miranda looks SO MUCH like "J". Ches and I also both like Silver Toes – it’s too mean. We used to call a girl in accountancy school Silver Toes. Haha. Rino and I also like Gising Na – the melody and lyrics are just amazing.

---Wala Nang Hahanapin Pa, Pag-ibig, Tuyo Nang

Damdamin. My favorite of the APO songs. Wala Nang Hahanapin Pa is like
the Pinoy equivalent of Billy Joel’s She’s Always A Woman To Me. Both songs are so honest, right? I love them. Tuyo Nang Damdamin is one of those songs I love bcoz they’re
poetic and too sad.

And here we go with the Eraserheads songs. It’s hard to choose one over the other – I love almost all of their songs – but just off the top of my head, these are my favorites:

---Shake Yer Head.
Still my favorite Eraserheads song. It’s so in-your-face and so UB.

---Alapaap.

Ode to youth, dreams, and joy. The opening song at the first Eheads reunion concert in the Fort. Ely sang this like a dirge in the Final Set. Perfect in every way.

---Magasin.

If you ask me what I really, really want, it’s not world peace, or social justice, or an end to hunger - all I really, really want is to make Ely ‘napatingin, natulala sa iyong kagandahan’ like the centerfold girl. HAHAHA.

---Fill Her.

It’s a testament to the genius of the Eheads that they can come up with a quiet, little song, lovely and heartbreaking in its simplicity, when it’s supposed to be just a filler in the album. This is epic Ely.

---Lightyears

(yes, written as one word like this in the album). Probably the saddest Eheads song, followed by Buddy’s Tama Ka. ‘Doesn’t really matter where you are, it always seems so very far. It’s like you’re light years away. You’re light years away … from me.’ It’s also what Ely sang right before he collapsed at that fateful reunion concert. Sigh.

---Spolarium.

Full of images and details yet cryptic and ever more profound than what it seems. So typical Eheads. When they sang it at the Final Set, it sounded a lot like Strawberry Fields Forever. Amazing.

---Tikman.

Forget that they used it for a Burger Machine commercial. This is one of those love songs that are just too perfect in their simplicity and poetry. This would’ve made it to our wedding music, too, if it weren’t too irreverent for church. Hahaha.

---Balikbayan Box.

This song is about nothing, really. I like it just bcoz somehow it was perfect when it played while the credits were rolling in Rakenrol.

---HA HA HA.

Typical witty but nonsensical Eheads song. The boys and I love playing with this song and changing the lyrics to whatever. And yet underneath all the shallow chatter is a
gem: ‘Di maaaring ariin ang pag-aari ng nagmamay-ari.’

Makes sense

Nosebleeds

I can imagine how the public feels as they watch the ongoing impeachment trial. The rules of evidence only started to make sense to me when I started to work and be involved in litigation. Although my knowledge of evidence now is fairly decent, I totally understand why it’s now causing nosebleed to the public and even to some impeachment lawyers.

Evidence is one branch of law that only starts to make sense when you practice it. As opposed, I guess, to Taxation, which makes sense at all. Haha.

Anyway, the other thing that’s making my nose bleed these days is this offer I was given in which I’m expected to know the ins and outs of finance, engineering, and technology. Last I checked, I had zero units of those last two subjects, although I must say, I have a hundred units of how-to-sound-convincing-when-you’re-really-just-winging-it. Haha. The worn-out “let me get back to you on that” still works, after all.

But going back to the impeachment, it’s bound to make more noses bleed in the days to come. In fact, it seems to me that the lawyers (both for the prosecution and the defense) are hemorrhaging their way through it. As my civil procedure professor once said: “The Rules of Court…you either get it or you don’t.”


Well, thanks to the ongoing impeachment, we now know where to find those who don’t.

My Six-Word Memoirs

I read about the six-word memoirs craze when I was still in Scudo but it was only last year when I saw the book in Powerbooks. Since I finished reading the book that Atty Rosa got for me for our Secret Santa, I’ve been hooked and been coming up with my own crazy six words. It’s easy peasy – just put together six words to describe your life or yourself or something you believe in. Or whatever at all. Haha.

1. Fun, feisty female. Vicious when provoked.

2. A little sweet. Lots of bite.

3. Didn’t talk till 3. Overcompensating since.

4. Happiness is marrying your The One.

5. Thrives under my boy's tight hugs.

6. Claim to fame: friends wif Bigboss.

7. People amass wealth. I collect books.

8. Defined by the friends I keep.

9. Blogging and bitching are my hobbies.

10. Accountant by profession, maldita by choice.

11. Home early always trumps hefty salary.

12. Poems can still break my heart.

13. Still looking for my inner chef.

14. Endless, passionate love affair with books.

15. Prefers to watch movies than move.

16. Saves to travel and see world.

17. Dreams of living in sunflower field.

18. People care. People share. I shop.

19. Forever Hello Kitty. Down to undies.

20. They adores me. I adore shoes.

21. Moon Leaf. Bon Chon. Happy meals.

22. Chocolates work when human beings fail.

23. If nothing else, Best in Smile.

24. No to Photoshop, warts and all.

25. (Mommies) don’t have to be ugly.

26. Do good, or else look good.

27. Why live when I can sleep?

28. Sometimes good, often nasty, always real.

29. Pretends to be cool. Secretly OC.

30. Believes in power of holding hands.

31. Still blindly waiting for Eraserheads reunion.

32. Still a crybaby at age 29.

33. Aspires to be well-read, well-bred, well-scrubbed.

34 .Wanna-be stand-up comic. Drama queen already.

35. Frustrated ballerina. One-time fencer. Consummate mother.

36. Patient only with my own self

36. Proud of UB, and its graduates.

37. Ditched conglomerate to work for underdog.

38. Formerly known as good youngest child.

39. Still waiting for my inner adult.

40. Whatever happened to my innate goodness?

41. Picky with food, not with clothes.

42. Rich with love - who needs money?

43. Bad in math. Still became accountant.

44. Can’t drive. Can’t cook. Cleans closets.

45. Fun is overrated. I’d rather sleep.

Mixed Knots

Its been a while!

Siguro, writing blog is like being addicted to something...it will whine at times but would probably visit you again since it is part of you.

I'd like to write about a lot of things, but then my mind is in quandry.

Maybe...i need time and space to give words to my own feelings....as for now these are the things i can share...a peek on my heart,mind and soul

- i realized that it's not easy being a full time mother, part-time wife and an altogether bread winner at the same time.

- i realized that sometimes you have been very excited waiting for a time...pero paG anjan na nothing is so extra-ordinary pala.

- i realized na malungkot pala mag-isa

kung bakit, those were the things i would blog soon :)

What I Did Right This Year

Let me just be honest and say this: I didn’t expect 2011 to turn out this way. In fact, I had no expectations at all this year. I remember telling friends at the start of the year that I was determined to just go with the flow. Looking back, that turned out to be the best decision I made for 2011. Below is a list of the other things I think I did right this year:

1. I prayed more and analyzed less.

2. If there was something I wanted to do, I just went ahead and did it.

3. I took more risks in my friendships even if it meant almost losing some of them.

4. I explained my actions less to others.

5. I was more honest with God and with myself.

6. I started taking care of my health.

7. I stopped asking why and started asking why not.

8. I was less calculating.

9. I listened to myself even as I listened to others.

10. I stopped thinking of what should be and started appreciating what is.

11. I welcomed changes even if it meant having to adjust all over again.

12. I complained less.

13. I kept a lot of doors open and stopped figuring out when to close them.

14. I read more.

15. I spent more time with myself than with others.

16. I veered away from practices that have stopped making sense a long time ago.

17. I forgave and did what I could to be forgiven.

18. I trained myself to sleep early.

19. I stopped sweating the small stuff.

20. I observed my boundaries but kept in mind that the world will not end if I change them.

21. I accepted the fact that people can change but it’s not my duty to change them.

22. I embraced my losses and learned to live with them.

23. I celebrated my victories no matter how small.

24. I claimed my journey as my own.

25. I let joy in.

26. I let love surprise me.

27. I let God be God.

They say life happens when you’re not looking. Although I can’t entirely claim that I wasn’t looking this year, I can at least say that this year, I simply let life happen. Seeing how it all turned out in the end, I might was well do the same thing again next year.

M & J

There are two people who constantly look out for me and who I know pray for me and keep me in their thoughts. They became family to me . I see them once in a while and write emails to them on occasions.

When I’m too quiet, they know that things are not too good and respect my silence. They ask me to be brave when it gets hard. They understand that it will be awhile before things will get better. Somehow, I get by because I know that they are there for me. How wonderful to know that I have them.

I can never fully explain to them my struggles. The sadness of returning to an empty home at the end of the day; the fearfulness and cynicism; the fear of growing old alone and the struggle to nurture my relationships. But I do not need to explain anything. They embrace me still.

As Christmas is a time for thanksgiving, I thank God for their presence in my life. Their friendships are a balm to my grief, whichever aspect of life.

Vomit

As a matter of principle I don’t meddle about politics becoz it’s (1) boring, and (2) hopeless. Besides, why would I want to pollute my mind with such filth, right?

It just happened to be an exceptionally infuriating day to be watching the news, so allow me to vent.

On the headline, the President seated among allies in Congress, all of them with big, fat smiles, at what turned out to be an appreciation lunch of sorts for those responsible for summoning the numbers to complete the impeachment complaint against the Chief Justice. Something’s just so wrong with this picture. I am by no means pro-Corona, and I’m all for enforcing accountability in government, especially those in the highest levels, but an impeachment that is so clearly politically motivated and has all the signs of high-handed maneuvering – oh, please, give me more credit than that. But maybe it’s just me, bcoz the President says the move is widely supported by the people. Hmmm. Last time I checked, no one was standing up to applaud.

And then you have one of the leaders of the admin’s prosecution team, bragging about not sleeping three whole days to rush the complaint. Wait, that is a source of pride for you? If you truly believed in the merits of the complaint, shouldn’t you have worked on it nonstop and pursued it right at the first instance it was brought to your committee eons ago, and not be rushing it now all bcoz the President gives you a friggin deadline?

The Bayan Muna rep himself admitting he, along with majority of the signatories, signed the complaint without reading it, bcoz the admin bigwigs wouldn’t even give them copies of the thing. Oh wow. And your signature is supposed to certify that you believe the complaint is sufficient in form and substance? Without reading a single word of it?

There’s the Act Teachers party-list rep, another signatory, also admitting that the strategy of the admin reps is to meet with them discreetly and give them ‘very vague’ ideas of a move for which their vote is needed, but that they ‘support the cause’, anyway. Huh? How can you support a cause that is not even clear to you?

Nice going, you guys. Your sheer brilliance is blinding me. I would have thought you would be the voice of independence if not wisdom in Congress. But I guess I should have kept my expectations low from a party-list system where the only authentic marginalized sector I could find out of the long list in my ballot – and to whom I gave my vote, naturally, and without any regret to this day – was Ang Ladlad.

There’s also the Supreme Court spokesperson so passionately defending the Chief Justice he got my addled brain all confused. You’d think he was the spokesperson of the Chief Justice himself rather than of the Supreme Court.

Even the ads offended me. Right in the first part of the ad, she said her thrust upon assuming office was to not do anything that will taint the family name. Smacks of P-Noy’s ‘hindi ako magnanakaw’, right? That seems to be the standard of good leadership now – as long as you promise to not steal, then you’re ok, even if you don’t do a single thing to improve people’s lives.

These government ads infuriate me, to begin with, especially if they come from agencies where part of my salary goes every pay day. Is it too much to ask that my money should go to improving your services rather than to pay for stupid ads that trumpet your achievements? If you’re so damned good in what you do like you claim to be, then I already know and you don’t have to pay for a full-page ad to tell me, with my very own hard-earned friggin money! Grrr.

All of the above makes me do The Very One Thing that my classmate did, right when the bus stopped for the first leg of our field trip then:

Vomit.

Just Because

Sometime, from my first job i once gave my crush a Christmas gift— Clinique Happy for Men — and wrote this dedication: Just because it’s Christmas, and it’s how I feel when I’m with you. Awww. You gotta hand it to me for coming up with such a cute albeit slightly cheesy line. The boy asked me out the following day. So me.

I always salute those girls who have so much confidence that they can actually do and say whatever they want to the men they like and get the response they aim for. Or even if they don’t get it, at least they get away with it. Me, it depends on the level of admiration. The most I’ve ever done to make my intentions known was to ask this guy to a place that cannot be named (because he might read this. Haha). Once we were there, however, I started acting like a girl barkada again, and nothing productive ever came out of it.

Maybe some girls just know how to elicit the proper reaction from men. Maybe some just have it in them to drop one-liners and manipulate the conversation until the guy they like find themselves falling for them just like that. I never really learned the rules of The Game. The few who pursued me did so without any encouragement coming from me. And the ones I wanted to encourage never seemed to get the hint. Haha.

My friends who are married and who are my age have been prodding me to be more accommodating for a change. The idea appeals to me, but I still don’t see myself doing it. Call me suplada, choosy, or anything, but it’s really not my style to put myself out there and fish. I see how younger girls do it, and I tell myself, if this is the competition, then I’m so not in the game. And the thing is, I don’t mind not being in the game at all. I guess I’m too old for that. Or too set in my ways. Or, to put it on a positive note, too happy with my life that if being with someone would still require the same effort I had exerted in my past relationship , then thanks but no thanks. To quote a celebrity, I’m single, and you have to be very very amazing to change that.

I guess in the end, we still go back to who we are and what we’re comfortable with. I was the girl who sat at the back of the class, absorbed in a good book, while my female classmates plotted ways to get the attention of the boys. And if my single hood now is the consequence of my being that way, then so be it. At least I don’t have to buy someone an expensive perfume this Christmas. And if I’m so inclined to buy a Happy perfume, then I will buy it for myself to send the message that right now, I genuinely feel happy.

Just because.

Suicide

Wrong move!

Well, this is with connection on my previous blog entitled "Secret Half Revealed" Now i feel like , im singing im so "damn, damn, damn"! As my friend pointed out, maybe im rushing things, or maybe i should change my perspective of my own life. Looking into it as half filled rather than half emptied.

I tried to validate what she said, and its hard to accept that yes, i feel im waiting my whole life for something, and yes again...lately i have been on the complaining corner.

I know everything was brought by me basking in the thought that if it is meant to be then it should be. My patience always fails me. And as a result, waiting time makes it more unbearable and hurtful.

Sad that things would be different, had i chose to go to Italy 9 years ago. Maybe im not waiting something, someone......impossible now.

To try things on my own gave me the license to own credits....but then, im confused now whether i did the right thing or i had committed suicide.

Marela is Excited

Counting now the days before I can go back to Philippines again for holiday....

Few of the things I am excited are :

<3 The bag which I asked Malkiel as Christmas gift. The perks of havin a millionaire friend hahaha!His mom and dad will be celebrating holiday in Pinas, sad that Malkiel cannot come since he now pretend to be responsible son to take charged of the family business in Italy.

<3 A month long of being a hands-on mother. Let's see where my patience will lead me.

<3 The Batanes plan with the UB02 Gang, again minus Malkiel :( Going to a decade after graduation, this will be the first ever plan of reunion. Who would ever imagine the possibility of being together again despite us working almost all overseas. A,nd because we can bring our family, I kid Winlu how about the two of us? Me being single (ok, Mom in that instance) and he a certified single, being busy wif his work in bsp.

<3 shopping at greenhills. its always haven for me.