Another One Bites The Dust

So Gwyneth Paltrow and her rockstar husband is separating. Or, to be more precise, they’re into conscious uncoupling.

I feel for Gwyneth. Even though I’m not a fan and I’m still sore about her Oscar win for Shakespeare in Love (yes, I haven’t gotten over that because she bested Meryl Streep in my favorite film ever), there’s a good reason why I can totally empathize: Gwyneth and Chris were an unlikely couple. She met him when she was heartbroken, and he provided the happy distraction that she needed. She uprooted herself from Hollywood to be with him at the other side of the world. And they were exact opposites, but the one thing they had in common was that they made each other laugh. 

I’m no Gwyneth and he’s no Chris, and I’m liable for being the most delusional person in the world for even thinking that there are similarities between our story and theirs, but the bottom line is this: Another unlikely couple I was rooting for ended badly. This provides further evidence that when there’s just too much to overcome in a relationship, something’s gotta give along the way. Which only confirms my theory that love can only do so much. This makes me sad for Gwyneth. And for myself. And for every other girl who longs to believe that  love can conquer all.
 

Blogging Again Just Because....

Im working since 8 in the morning, which makes that a total of 12 hours straight working, need a nap right now but instead, I found myself reading blogs that I haven’t visited for some time. Blogging seems antiquated now, with Twitter and Facebook making it easier to document people’s lives without the requisite writing skills. I know, right? So every time I read those good old blogs, I feel happy. Not just because it connects me again to people whose lives I’ve managed to follow through the years, but also because these are the people who know how to tell stories the way they should be told. I regret that I haven’t been blogging regularly  the way I want to. I believe in what they say that blogging is for The Real Word Lovers— those who write because they love to, regardless of the number of likes or retweets or views. I know a friend who doesn’t allow comments on her blog because she doesn’t care what others think of what she writes. I’d say that’s the real spirit behind blogging. And I do practice the same.

So on this night, when there’s so much work waiting for me, I decided I will just go back to my first love and document my life the old fashioned way. (Yes, blogging is old fashioned now) Here’s my life’s highlights the past few weeks:

1. I turned 32. Which means I’m 8 years away getting 40. Which means my life will finally begin, if that old saying is true. Seriously though, I have no issues about being at this age and being where I am. Life has been good to me. I have a work I truly love, I’m surrounded by people who love me and who have seen me through my worst and have still decided to stay, I’ve had my share of very high ups and very low downs which made me the person I am now, and l remain hopeful that the best is yet to come. So when I said on the eve of my birthday that I’m determined to make my 32nd year the best year of my life so far, it wasn’t because I dreaded turning 40. It’s because I want to prepare for that age when life, they say, takes a serious turn. Truth is, I’m excited to be 40 that I think the only thing that will make me sad about it is finding out that it still feels like being 30. If you know what I mean.  

2. I hiked. It’s the second hike I ever done in my entire life.  The first was when our entire environmental law class was compelled to climb one in order to be exempt from final exams. I had no choice but to go, my total lack of athletic skills notwithstanding. I figured climbing a mountain for 5 hours is a better option than explaining the precautionary principle. Anyway, this time around, I climbed a mountain because I wanted to. Or to be exact, because I wanted to be with the person who wanted to. And what I realised about climbing mountains is that it’s a sure way of getting to know someone really well. It’s a good way of seeing someone’s character. And a sure fire way of testing whether you can live with him forever.  ( To which a friend reacted: Forever agad? Di ba pwedeng Sagada muna next? Haha). As they say, never marry someone you cannot stand being in a long road trip with. My version of that is never marry someone you haven’t climbed a mountain with. Haha! 

3. Work has been overwhelming but fulfilling. As a career person, there’s no greater joy than waking up each morning without feeling lousy about your work. I used to read about people who have found their passion and I used to wonder if that would ever happen to me. I was happy being  an Accountant, no question about that, but there was always that nagging feeling that I ought to be someplace else. Well I’m happy to report that here, right now, is that someplace else. Work is a blessing. And it’s given me so much joy than I can ever imagine. 

4. At the start of the year, I made this vision board: 

 

( See the woman wearing a bridal gown???? )

Well I’m happy to report that barring unforeseen circumstances, I’m about to tick off two of the items on this board, while another one is in progress. When I was younger, I was skeptical about vision boards and the whole shouting-it-out-to-the-universe-to-get-what-you-want approach to life. But I’m seeing as I grow older that the universe really has its way of making things happen. I know it also helps that I’m more open minded now and devoid of any biases. These are the things you only learn when you’re almost 40. Which brings me back to my earlier statement that this could very well be my best year so far.   So to heed the advice given to me by a significant someone on my birthday: Maybe this year, I should aim to climb two mountains. 

Here I Go Again

I was reading my old posts today— the one where I wrote about Ashton and Demi’s break up, and the one where I discussed the evolution of our desires— and I realized that this situation I’m in right now is actually familiar territory. Count on me to choose the more complicated path when it comes to matters of the heart. That. Is. So. Me.

It’s tempting to psycho-analyze myself, but I won’t attempt to do that right now. For now, the only explanation I can muster is that we don’t really get to choose who we love. It just happens. You meet someone, fall for him, discover why he’s awesome, realize the complications, accept them as givens, and fall all over again. The heart wants what it wants— time zone, distance, language barriers, and a host of other complications notwithstanding. In fact, that’s the beauty of love: the uncertainty of whether it will work, the effort it takes to bend over backwards, and the challenge of overcoming the impossible.

But then again, maybe this is just me and my inexplicable desire for complications. After all, some people choose to take the path of least resistance. They meet someone from work, have lunch with them every day, go out on weekends, and before they know it, lapse into marital bliss and eternal boredom. I could’ve done that too, you know? But that wouldn’t be me at all. Because contrary to my claims that I always play it safe and that I’m risk averse, I’m quite the opposite. The truth is, I live for complications. Why? Because I want to prove that love conquers all.

Going back to this boy I like, I realise that the ending could only be one of two things: One, I could be wrong about this; Or two, this could be the greatest love story ever told. Right now, the logical part of me is saying the first scenario is more likely. But just for a shot at happiness and for the pure pleasure of thinking that the second scenario could happen, I let the illogical part of me prevail. And by my standards, if love can trump logic, there’s nothing more that it cannot do.

Yolanda

It's been a month since Super Typhoon Haiyan/Yolanda crashed through our country and that's been two weeks of me just glued to the news and on Facebook checking for updates, reading stories of survival and loss, forming half-baked opinions on shoulda coulda woulda's. I've been pretty useless as a result. My blogging duties forgotten (sorry, sponsors!) and it's only now that I'm working again.

These two weeks, the word "resilient" is being used a lot. Some hate it, some love it. However we feel about it, it's just a word that really does describe us Filipinos. I'd like to think, faced with the same circumstances, I'd be resilient, too. But the thought of losing my kids... Oh, I can't even face it. I don't know what I'd do should that happen as it happened to thousands of our kababayans. I'd like to think I'd be strong enough to move on but we'll never know until it happens and I pray to God that it never happens because I don't think I can take it.

There's been lots of "the survivors should do this" and "they should at least do that" or "I would never do that." I also thought that. "At least clear the roads! I'd never ever steal!" But quick on the heels of those thoughts are the whispers, "What if your kids are hungry? What if they are cold and sick? What if they had died?"

I like to think I'd be the type of person who rises up to the occasion. I've always been the person who stepped in when someone needed help, needed to be defended, needed money. I'm very calm and sensible. That's why I think that in the face of calamity, I'm not going to lose my head. But when my first born died suddenly five years ago, I was too much in shock to function. I was in shock for three whole days. My family were the ones who thought of entertaining the visitors at the wake, it was my friend who fixed the financial matters with the funeral home, my aunts and cousins who fed everybody. I didn't do anything except cry.

So I pass no judgment on anyone. No one knows how they'll react to any situation until they're in that situation. No judgment! Well, except maybe on the government. But that's a whole new issue and I really don't want to go there.

And that's it! We all know how to help. There are dozens of fundraisers, charities, NGOs, volunteer work happening everywhere right now. How generous the Filipino spirit! God bless us all!

Finding Hope This Christmas

You've probably noticed a dearth of blog posts this past month.  Life has been going at full warp speed and I'm finding it hard to keep up and squeeze in much needed time to write.

The recent typhoon has made it doubly difficult for me to write.  When so many people have lost so much, I'm finding it difficult to write about life - my life, when there are just so much more important things to write about.  I wish I could be out there at ground zero helping out, but I can't.  Instead, I try to help out in my own small way.  Yet, it never feels like it's enough.

Quite honestly, I'm finding it even difficult to think about Christmas.  Yes - me, my mother's anointed "Christmas elf."  Growing up, I was the one who eagerly put up the Christmas tree every year.  To date, our tree is not up and there are no Christmas decorations in our home.  Same time last year, I already had names ticked off my Christmas list.  But now, I haven't even had the time to update nor print out my Christmas list.

No - I'm not turning into Scrooge, but, given all these tragedies, my heart is heavy.

However, I was uplifted by something an old high school friend posted on FB.  She's literally out in the trenches helping survivors get through all this.  She said (I'm para-phrasing here), "Please continue posting pictures of happy moments in your life - it's what keeps us going here." 

So, I think it's about time I dust off my Christmas tree and light it up for the world to see.  Maybe, just maybe, it'll bring a smile to someone else's face and help them carry on.    

My little Christmas tree before the tragedy happened

Promise in Vain

...saw this poster i was tagged with at my facebook account. a sorry reminder of a promise made that had been broken. fortunately im not in a sorry state anymore.

...so, Punta Malabrigo...see you again :) 

...don't worry, no issues about you. your charm had been tested to be more than a promise went in vain

Daluyong ng dagat ay tatawirin natin!

When newsman Ted Failon was reporting on Saturday on what happened to Leyte when Super Typhoon Haiyan/Yolanda roared through last weekend, he found it hard to define in Tagalog what a storm surge was. Naturally (since I am a lover of words), I just had to find out what it is.

It's daluyong.

source

source

The word brought to mind the old song "Iisang Bangka" by The Dawn, and I thought it was totally appropriate for the times.



And I love the words.

Kay dilim at kay ginaw sa kalawakan ng dagat
Ubod lakas kung humiyaw ang galit na hanging habagat
Ngunit buo ang puso mo'ng ang daluyong ay susugurin
Magkasama tayong katahimika'y hahanapin

Ating liliparin, may harang mang sibat
Ating tatawirin, daluyong ng dagat
Basta't kasama mo ako, iisang bangka tayo
Anuman ang mithiin ay makakamtan natin

Iisang bangka tayo, Pilipinas! Kaya natin ito! Please share this song to everybody!

Letter However

Dear Myself,

I’m glad that your experience in love made you a better and a stronger person. These are what the trials are for, anyway. In many failed relationships, separation comes as the inevitable choice but moving on always proves to be as twice as difficult as letting go. Sometimes, the end of a relationship is imposed on us, but our choice to hold on is always beyond the control of circumstance. Letting go is a decision that can never be dictated on us. It is a resolve we make ourselves.

Many, however, remain and hold on to the empty promise of a memory–a past that is gone forever and vows that may never be fulfilled. We choose to live in the shadow of someone we still love, someone who only used to love us. We refuse to turn the pages of our lives so we can relish the beautiful memories we’ve had. Yes, there is closure, but not of the past but of the heart. We will never grow with bitterness and wishful yearning. Life can move on only if we open our hearts and give ourselves a chance to find love again.

Acceptance is the key to a new beginning and time is the healer of old wounds. Even if the storm casts its fearful shadow, there will always be light after our darkest and loneliest moments. There is always hope for those who believe. There is always a chance for those who try. And remember, there will always be a life even after losing love. That life may even be better than before. For all our pain and suffering come with a purpose. They are meant not to discourage us but to make us stronger and better persons.

I’m happy for you. You have learned the true meaning of closure and have stood firm on not looking back. If someone out there is crying over a relationship that has gone sour, never lose faith because losing someone we love may not be a loss at all but a blessing because someone even more deserving is yet to come.


Love,
Marela

That Old Feeling

The best part of being in love with someone is in being convinced that that person would be with us forever. Most of us start our relationships believing in the promise of love without end. Unfortunately, not all relationships end the way we want them to.

To some, love comes in a fleeting moment and goes away just as fast. But the problem is, getting over the feeling always seems to take a lifetime. Because the only person who can heal us from the pain that we feel is usually the very same person who hurt us and made us cry. Sometimes, just as we are about to accept the failure of our relationship, that person comes back to us and unknowingly destroys our defenses.

Suddenly, we find ourselves hooked to love again. And it hurts even more because we know that person doesn’t share the same feeling anymore. Even if there is the urge to forget because it hurts there would always be that compelling reason to hope for love to come back again. It is like waiting for the sun to shine in the middle of a storm.

The love that brings us pain should be  the same love that would heal our hearts. When you love so much that it begins to hurt  then you have to learn to let go to lessen your  pain. Love hurts and sometimes it hurts like there is no tomorrow anymore. But there still is and there would always be one. No matter how battered and stricken we have been, there would always be tomorrow that would bring hope and love. But that tomorrow would never come unless we leave the past behind and live today as we should.

Let the pain remain for a while and let the tears fall as they please. And after all  that, move on and find your place in this world where you will find the person who wouldn’t talk to you as if nothing is wrong but  the person who would talk to you and make you feel that everything is going to be all right.

Evidence

there's substantial evidence. 

there's also preponderance of evidence. 

and there's evidence beyond reasonable doubt. 

fb messages that have 33 "***"s in them (my favorite friend REALLY counted them one by one) and a "mishu" at the end, or those that tells you how excited he is to take this "journey" with you. phone calls once in a while to hear your voice. 

that's substantial evidence, or "such relevant evidence as a reasonable mind might accept as adequate to support a conclusion." 

if he brings home pasalubong. if he calls a little bit more. if we have more amazing conversations deep into the night. if i find myself trusting him with my secrets. 

that'll be preponderance of evidence, or "evidence of greater weight or more convincing than the opposing evidence; evidence more credible and convincing, more reasonable and probable, and can be circumstantial in nature." 

one of these days i'll be sure. and that day, we'll hopefully be together. cause i'd have found evidence beyond reasonable doubt that the r's the one. 

Separate Lives

when i think about how things happened all over again, there's a huge part of me that wishes i'd been more circumspect. i guess it's the romantic in me, thinking that him finding me all of these years was some great cosmic act. i also guess it's the optimist in me, believing that people can change themselves. after all, it's been years, and a year can do a lot to change a person.

i should've known better.

as with the person i fell in love with in after college, he was sweet, caring, and attentive. it was everything i've always wanted in a partner. he cared for me like i was his princess and gave me all the love he could give. he was always present. he was perennially concerned about me - where was i? how was i? am i home already? how was my day? how was work? what time would i leave the office?

the first time he stumbled back into his old ways, i tried brushing it aside. he "researched" on me by misleading an officemate into thinking i was applying for a job in their company. said former officemate then called up the university and started asking questions about me. i guess i should be thankful that the person who answered was my friend, and that she knew better by calling me and confirming whether or not i was actually applying for a job. i confronted him about it and said, maybe said officemate made a mistake and misunderstood what i asked her. he went on further, maybe said officemate just wanted to make a nice impression and thought of taking it upon herself to research about you.

stupidly, i said, okay, but don't do it again.

a month or so later, i found out he had been reading my phone's messages. and apparently, he texted a friend, pretending to be a girl from community who wanted to hook up. again, i was blessed to have a friend smart enough to confirm with me what that was all about.

at this point, everyone in my immediate circle wanted him out of my life. they kept asking, how could you trust him now?

maybe the slight desperation with which he held on to what we had reminded me a little of how difficult it was to move on after the other person has moved on without you. maybe i saw a little of myself in him. maybe i didn't want to hurt as i've been hurt in the past.

and so i stayed. i stayed in spite of the warnings, in spite of the feeling that no one wanted to listen when we had problems anymore, in spite of being unhappy in the situation i was in.

the final straw came when my friend saw his name in a comment he made on FB. she asked, is this the same guy from way back? and, in a second email, sent minutes after the first one, she innocently asked - shouldn't you need police protection from this person? (oh, polce protection from a poiliceman?)

it was then that everything became very clear.

this was the person who threatened to make the rest of my after college life miserable after we broke up for a while

this was the person who would ring my phone and stay there without saying anything until i hung up.

and the questions that i ignored, i suddenly asked.

for the past two weeks, he's been lashing out on me. he'd swing from being mean - calling me names and all that - to apologizing profusely saying he's just lonely. he'd also accuse me of things he thought i did, or say i don't treat him the way i treat my other friends, or claiming i toyed with his emotions. and whenever i'd take time to point out what went wrong, he'd say it was all my fault.

memories are short. and when you forget things, you pay for them dearly.

i should never have forgotten that we broke up for a reason. we didn't break up cause we fell out of love.

we broke up cause he was going crazy on me.

Grew Apart

The season had brought me into nostalgic mode. same time few years, our whole family was ferried from manila to Batangas. it was an awesome experience seeing them bond together. this year though, i appreciate the  peace and blissful life that im enjoying. yes, we really can't have everything in life.

Then i realized how lucky i still am. for having family and friends who looked after me and clara  to perfection. they are the reasons that i got by from all the mishaps that cross path.

But honestly, i miss the friendship "r" and i had. i would remember, me always telling him that when things goes wrong i hope we keep the friendship, because it is what we both value and enjoyed together. more than the iloveyou's and kisses, the laughter and the concern counts more.

Sadly, expectedly, things has to end. you need superpowers to carry all of the pain that goes with it.

Today's A Really Good Day To Die

Remember the line? four medical students who perform an experiment to figure out what happens when you die. right before one of the characters subjected himself to the experiment, he takes a glance around the room and says it, as if confirming that should he die that day, he'd be ok.

Yesterday, i had one of those days:

Good morning chat with nothing but happy thoughts ... fun and almost traffic-free ride to work ... breakfast buffet with my wednesday buddy at heritage ... bonding with my boss over oatmeal cookies ... lovely lunch where we stuffed ourselves silly with food  ... impromptu shopping trip where i was able to convince my otherwise non-kikay neighbor to buy not one, not two, but three new pairs of shoes (all she had planned on buying was a new pair of shoes for a wedding) ... buying my nth pair of white ballet flats (you can never have too many shoes!) ... almost finishing drafting my decision, and not caring that i actually wasn't able to finish it ... finally opening a passbook savings account (YAY! i'm beginning to save money again!) ... peppermint mocha frappuccino ... supreme boy vs. star boy ... dinner party for jorgia: sugpo, lasagna, lechon, lechon baka, lengua, blue marlin, lumpia, california maki (i ate as much as my pants would allow me!) ... chatting with one of my favorite ex-students (who happens to be the daughter of my ex boss) ... having quality out-of-the-office time with my officemates (and loving it!) ... easy ride  back to my  house.

Before Anything Else

The moment the movie Before Midnight was shown in theatres, three of my friends who know me from way back asked me right away if I have seen it. I think the fact that they asked proves my reputation as a hopeless romantic. It further proves that I’m exactly the type who wears my heart on my sleeves and memorises all the mushy lines from these romantic movies.

Well, I won’t dispute that. And yes, I have in fact seen Before Midnight. And my verdict is that while it’s a great movie script wise and acting wise, I didn’t rave for it as much as I did with Before Sunrise and Before Sunset. And it doesn’t take much reflection to figure out why.

 I watched Before Sunrise at a time when the concept of having a soul mate was something I still I believed in. Like totally. So I resonated with the whole meeting-your-one-great-love-on-the-train theme. I was in college at that time, and meeting The One was still a possibility; a happy thought, in fact, that saw me through all the angsts of my teenage years.

Before Sunset, I watched when I was in my late 20s, during that period in my life when I was so sure that love would find me sooner or later. That whole idea of seeing an old flame and realizing how much you are still in love with each other was just too beautiful  and inspiring. I remember watching that film and going home hopeful and thinking that maybe The One was someone I’ve already met. Maybe my law school crush was actually The One and we would run into each other during a court hearing and we’ll take it from there, just like in the movie. So yes, at that time, I still believed in The One. And I still believed that no matter how far I was from him, love would eventually bring us together. All these made Before Sunset a wonderful movie in my books.

So as expected, I looked forward to Before Midnight and counted the months before its theatre run. I wanted to see how the story played out and how the characters evolved. What would their dynamics be? How would their conversations sound?  And would they still be as witty and quick with their retorts? In this respect, I was not disappointed. I love that the movie’s theme has matured, and that the characters have grown. It’s brilliant how Ethan Hawke was no longer the handsome young writer, and Julia Delpy, no longer the pretty young thing who was exactly the type you’d pick up in a long train ride. I love their new dynamics and how their conversations were no longer just about their brewing sexual tension, but about real life issues and concerns.

However, in contrast to the first two films which made me giddy and hopeful,  this movie made me feel sad and hopeless. And it’s not because it was too much reality. In fact, its being realistic is one of  the movie’s strongest points. The movie saddened me because at the end of it all, I realised that I stopped evolving with the characters. Unlike the first two films which spoke my language and articulated my feelings, this one revolved around issues that, sadly, are still alien to me.   I could no longer own the character’s conversations. Aside from the part that dealt with turning 40 with nothing to show for it, there was nothing much for me to resonate with in the story.

My friends who got married are raving about the film and I can see why. They grew up with the characters. They know how it is to find The One and  to find reality setting in after that. They know the feeling of loving someone that much and hating him with the same intensity. They know how it is to have passionate fights with someone you love passionately. They have become like Jesse and Celine. They’ve found their loves and lived their lives.

Me, on the other hand…well… you know the rest of my story.

So while I loved Before Midnight and still consider it a brilliant film all in all, it was too much of a reminder— and a sad reminder at that— of how one aspect of my life has not moved at all after all these years. And of how it might never move in that direction anymore. Ever.

These thoughts have been crossing my mind lately after seeing the film. I’m tempted to watch Before Sunrise and Sunset again just to see if  my inner romantic is still well and alive. I have a feeling it still is. But then again, maybe now is not a good time to be reminded of that.

Upside Down

this still hold true pala.....