My Prayer

Last night was an eye-opener for me. One sister shared that she would gladly go through all the painful experiences in her life all over again if it means knowing the Lord even more. Upon hearing this, I asked myself if I can say the same thing. And the jaded, critical, bitter me knew that I would answer in the negative.

I'm no stranger to pain. Some pains are worse than the others; most are lingering without any hope of seeing their ending. Some are easy to accept. Others, I am sure, are serving a purpose although I have yet to find out what they are. At a certain point, I've stopped asking God why they had to happen. I figured, I shouldn't question God's ways. After all, between the two of us, He's the one who sees the bigger picture. There's no point complaining. I tell myself that this is the right attitude---a total act of surrender and abandonment. As long as I accept whatever God sends my way, I'll be okay.

What I haven't been paying attention to, however, was the resentment that was starting to grow within me. The truth is, I'm not always okay. There are times when I want to demand an explanation from God. In fact, when I heard the sister share about her pains and how she experiences God amidst her sufferings, I couldn't help but think that maybe, God is playing favorites. And most of the time He chooses to bless everyone but me.

Of course, I know how twisted this thinking is. What amazes me is how God never stops showing me how false my notions are. Last night, He dealt with me through a prayer that one of the sisters shared. When she said that she remembered me when she was praying yesterday morning and was moved to invite me to their household, I knew at once that it was God's way of speaking to me, as it was in the same household where I encountered this beautiful prayer which really spoke to my heart. It is so appropriate to what I'm going through, I could have written it myself.

THE PRAYER OF AN EMPTY JAR

Jesus, I come to the warmth of your Presence
knowing that You are
the very emptiness of God.
I come before You
holding the water jar of my life.
Your eyes meet mine
and I know what I'd rather not know.

I came to be filled
but I am already full.
I am too full.
This is my sickness
I am full of things
that crowd out
Your healing Presence.

A holy knowing steals inside my heart
and I see the painful truth.
I don't need more
I need less
I am too full.

I am full of things that block out
Your golden grace.
I am smothered by gods of my own creation
I am lost in the forest of my false self
I am full of my own opinions and narrow attitudes
full of fear, resentment, control
full of self pity, and arrogance.
Slowly this terrible truth pierces my heart,
I am so full, there is no room for You.

Contemplatively, and with compassion,
You ask me to reach into my water jar.
One by one, Jesus, you enable me
to lift out the things
that are a hindrance to my wholeness.
I take each on to my heart,
I hear You asking me
" Why is this so important to you ? "

Like the murmur of a gentle stream
I hear You calling,
" Let go, let go, let go! "
I pray with each obstacle
tasting the bitterness and grief
it has caused.

Finally
I sit with my empty water jar
I hear you whisper
You have become a space for God
Now there is hope
Now you are ready to be a channel of Life.
You have given up your own agenda
There is nothing left but God.

Back to Drawing Board

I spoke too soon.
Just when I thought I knew what I want and that I was on the brink of getting it, I realized that my heart was telling me otherwise.
The thing with having to make a decision is that it necessarily entails saying no to something else. It's very rare that you get to choose something and still claim your stake on another thing. So even though you are not yet ready to bid something goodbye, you simply have to because the other thing you're saying yes to wouldn't allow room for other options.
I am, of course, talking about my career.
The idea of undergoing a career discernment came when I felt a stirring in my heart to take on more responsibilities in my work. I felt that I was under-achieving and that all of my school blockmates were already making a name for themselves while I remain a "so-so" overseas. What I overlooked, however, was how unprepared I was for the many options that await me. It's a good problem, as a friend would say. For, unlike others who are having difficulties finding a job, I have the pleasure of actually weighing my options. But it's a problem just the same. As I've said, I am totally unprepared to move out of what's familiar and plunge into what promises to be a tough grind ahead. And yet, there are days when I get all worked up and excited with the thought of taking on new challenges that I get so bored going through the motions in my current work. The heart is truly deceitful. And it works overtime at being such whenever decisions as crucial as these have to be made.
I'm supposed to end my discernment anytime soon. So far, however, the only thing that has become clear is that I still want to be in the legal profession and that my passion for the law has not subsided regardless of what it has made out of me through the years. I know I want to specialize and excel in a specific field. I know that God wants the best for me and He wants me to choose, not out of fear but out of love. I know that His mercy and goodness will chase me wherever I go and whatever I choose. I know all these in my mind and in my heart. But at the end of the day, I still haven't found the answer to this one question: what do I really want?
So I just sigh and say that after years of believing that I know what I want, it's now back to the drawing boards for me. And my heart, as I'm finding out, is so not ready

alin ang mali

pag ibig natin kay bilis ngsimula
di akalain matapos din bigla
sino bang lumimot sino ang ngmahal
kaninong pangako ang hindi ngtagal

ano ba ang tama alin ba ang mali
ano ba ang oo alin ba ang hindi
sino b ang umasa? sino ang lumuluha?
alin nga bang mali? ano ba ang tama?

dko alam kung bakit ganito
bakit ang pusoy kay daling malito
pag ibig ba ay laging may luha at tuwa?
kung minsan  ay mali
 kung minsan ay tama

on red cups and life long friendship

now that the red cups are back, i'm willing to bet that a number of people will be blogging (or tweeting!) about their favorite starbucks christmas drink. mine happens to be the peppermint one, and the cherry one. gay, i know, happens to love the toffee nut.

i'm also willing to bet that several will be gaining a couple of extra pounds as they complete the required number of stickers (this year its 17 + 8 i think) to get the ubiquitous starbucks planner. i believe my ex will be one of them :p

to me, however, the red cups bring back memories of my first actual female barkada -- two women who became my friend because of a "lotto" comment made by one to the other, thereby making it necessary for the offended party to "invite" me to her imaginary wedding, notwitstanding the fact that she had known me for a grand total of 36 hours. with these women, i share lovely memories of "baby boy t____" in the form of a bugs bunny pillow, "the wrong a", and a certain man standing on the corner of their street with his overnight bag all packed. it's a friendship that isn't perfect - oh how many days have i suffered from the silent treatment, and how many days did i myself inflict the silent treatment - but one that is real -- we've seen each other cry, laugh, hurt, triumph. we've gone through the worst possible dilemna from the least expected source, and yet we're still here -- good friends, kumares because of a wonderful little boy.

our initial bonding was over hot cups of specialty christmas coffee from starbucks. that year, if i'm not mistaken, we all got the planner. whoever wanted airtime would have to treat the other two to a cup of coffee each, and the other two would be bound to listen, interject only at appropriate times, and agree without reservations. it was a pact that we have to this day ... and a pact that would live as long as the red cups keep coming back.

as i write this, and wax romantic about two of my closest friends, i also can't help but think of a friendship that i abruptly and quite rudely ended this year. i am the offending party, and i know that there are a million and one opportunities that came my way to actually mend the friendship, but for some reason, i couldn't. worse, i didn't even want to try. well-meaning friends have told me that the harshness i've exhibited isn't the best way to deal with the situation, and a number have pointed out that pride is the only thing that's fueling the feud between us, but, sad to say, i guess it's a thorn that i'll have to carry with me for the rest of my life. i can't, i just can't.

maybe cause she doesn't shop at surplus shop. maybe cause she's as bossy as i am. maybe cause she's just too nice to me that i can't live up to her expecting the exact same thing from me.

and maybe it's cause we never bonded over a cup of coffee in a red cup.

editors in my life

we all live with editors in our lives. it could be your mom raising that single eyebrow at what you're wearing on your way to the mall. fiends pretty much do the same thing, telling you how your current squeeze looks more like zuma than the god you think he is.

and no matter how fiercely independent we believe we are, we get affected. we succumb to what people tell us, or believe about us.

yesterday, another editor popped into my life. all i wanted was to be honest to myself, to be able to look into the mirror and tell myself that "hey, you're pretty shallow for taking that against him, but you do, face it." instead, what i got was someone telling me that i shouldn't talk that way, think that way, for would i be able to bear being judged by the same yardstick.

i felt embarassed. tried apologizing, asking him why he thought that way. i felt so small in his eyes, that whatever impression i've made the last couple of weeks have been erased by one single post.

* * *

i've always been very honest to myself when it came to this blog. in fact, it was one of the reasons why i packed up and left the other blog -- i began feeling that too many people were reading it, people i didn't know and people i did know which resulted in me posting far fewer stuff. i've always thought i could say what i wanted to say in my blog.

* * *

i think that's the problem when you allow people to creep into your life. you allow them, and what they think, to affect how you see yourself. as he was telling me yesterday how judgmental i've been, i felt like crawling inside me and hiding. vanessa told me how it wasn't right that i felt that way but i did.

* * *

i guess that's what all of us would have to live with every single day. editors in our lives who because of one thing or another, we've given power to affect us.
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pretend healthy naman kasi. rage against the crazy hair in the meantime ...

On eating eggs and lovestory

You know how they say “Tell me what you eat and I shall tell you who you are.” But it wasn’t so much about what we ate that night, in what was our first date, that gave me a glimpse of who you are. I wasn’t sure if we intentionally starved ourselves earlier that night but precisely because we were hungry that time, we rushed to the restaurant a friend of yours owns.

You serve food on my plate and I poured Pepsi in our glasses. You'd ask mefrom time to time if I liked my food before you’d gently brush your hand on my knee as if to tell me how satiated you were by the feast. With a big smile on my face, you continued devouring your food with much gusto, oblivious of a speck of tomato sauce lingering between your lips and right cheek. I would wipe it away in time.

Three months after and I find us pigging out almost every day in your favorite hawker near your house. And though now I’m sure that we both adore food so much, you more than me, and we more carelessly gobble up our food this time, I still find you occasionally serving food on my plate and me pouring our favorite Pepsi in my glass.

There are so much more nuances in our eating habits that I have observed over time:

1. You would always defer the commencement of our eating course to give way to my ritual of blessing the food. Once you told me to “pray to MY God” which got me mad at you for minutes.

2. Weekends-When you’re not rushing to work, you prod me to have breakfast with you. And I’m not a breakfast person.Worse, I’m not a morning person.

3. Every meal, you consume a lot of rice while I make sure that we have a variety of viands. You can finish at least two cups of rice with just one dish while I order two to three viands to go with my one cup.

4. I practically order the same food while you vary your dishes every time. But perhaps this is mostly because we always have our meals later than normal that we have to deal with the limited choices left for us.

5. Whenever available, I would always get eggs for every meal as they are my favorite. I eat the egg whites last while you do the same with the egg yolk. If there’s only one egg left to eat between the two of us, I let you have the yolk.

6. With combo meals, you consume the chicken (with rice) or pizza first before you do the pasta. I do the reverse.

7. You like complementing your food with condiments like vinegar, fish sauce, or ketchup. I like the food the way it was prepared. I don’t like “mixing” tastes.

8. You eat slowly while I chow down my food speedily. I finish way ahead of you.

9. I have the weird impulsion to dance or verbalize my delight (e.g. Hmmm!, Yum!) when I like my food. You always tell me to calm down.

10. You need a fix of coffee with your meals. I don’t drink coffee because I palpitate after. I get my Pepsi instead.

I realize that it’s not only the food that we eat that tells us about who we are individually, but also how we eat that affirms who we are, together.

i wish ...

... for more reasons to flash a smile. as i grow older, i find myself smiling less and frowning more. that shouldn't be the case.


... i were nicer. i've been blaming hormones for my short temper for the past year. it's time to admit that hormones are but 75% of it -- the rest can be blamed to my temperament. still, that shouldn't be a bar to me attempting to be less of the person i am and more of the person i want to become.


... i had more money in the bank for security. now, this one's easy: lay off shopping

... life were less complicated. except thinking that alone makes it all the more complicated, IMHO.


there are so many things in life that i wish were true, except that they aren't. for now, though, i choose to be thankful for the things that ARE true.


i am thankful for all the opportunities for travel this year. i may be broke, but i gained a multitude of experience that cannot be bought with money.


i am thankful that i have a job that i *somewhat* love. it's a love-hate relationship, but at the end of the day, an a-ha moment is still enough to put a smile on my face.


i am thankful for family and friends, both of which i have -- maybe not in abundance, but they more than make it up for in quality.


life is STILL good.

true love

i don't even know who yani is, much less nicky. and sometimes, i can't help but ask, if your name is written ahead of your partner's, does that mean you love the other person more than he loves you? plus, taking into account that this graffiti was carved on a bamboo tree planted on the grounds of chapel on a hill, is this declaration of love the kind that's undying? or is it something that one might come back to, years later, if only for the purpose of scratching out the other person's name.


ahhhh, love. either things get better, or things don't. there just isn't any middle ground.


one friday, a couple of friends and i facebook-stalked c's crush. on his public profile, he had an album labeled "god's gift" which contained around 20 or so pictures of him with the girl. i didn't know which was more kilig -- the fact that they always seemed so happy and in love in the pictures or that he called her god's gift. i mean, i wouldn't mind being called god's gift to someone (i might have been, you know, especially someone who was as cute and godly and *insert everything else seemingly positive here* as c's crush.


then again, i can't help but be reminded of the post-it i had placed on my bathroom mirror -- i'd rather be single than to be married to the wrong man. it's there to remind me every single day that while there might be times that i couldn't help but crave for a lifelong partner, a lifetime is also too long to be live with a mistake. the original post-it i had placed was actually snatched by a person i dated a 12 years ago who, after reading it, said he "stole" it to put it in his wallet to remind himself every day that he wanted to be the right man for me. well, we all know how that ended, but i do hope that he'll be the right man to the girl he's dating now (if any).


right about the same time, a friend wrote on her facebook wall that "a woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her." i copied the quote and tacked it to my office bulletin board, yet another reminder to me that the man i will marry has to be more in love with God than he is with me. after all, all i can threaten him with is a lifetime of regrets; God, on the other hand, will be dealing with him eternally.


am i anxious about my state in life? oh yes, most definitely. but i am more anxious about making a mistake. and as i move forward on another aspect of my life, i am resting my anxieties on this one on God. some things i can take charge of. some things i can even manipulate (with my puny will). but after a slew of heartaches, heartbreaks, and "what was i thinking?" moments, this time around, i'm have taken the backseat.

who knew i'd get to the point where i'd actually say time flies?

when i was a kid, i could never understand why adults would say ang bilis ng panahon. cause for me it seemed like it took forever for time to pass.

apparently, when you graduate from college and you're more or less in charge with your own life, time actually does fly.

the reality of it struck me when i mentioned an old friend mentioned how she wanted to tap me for this reunion but thought twice about it since one of their resource persons happened to be my ex (friend).

so she asked me, would i be okay with that? of course, i said. come on.

then it hit me - it's been ten years? if that were a child, that child will be on his way to graduate grade school come june.


wow. 1999 meant ten years ago, ten years ago, i was young, hopeful, ready to take on the world, and becoming a lawyer was the farthest thing from my mind. ten years ago, i was 18.

so much has changed since then. i've gained more friends, weight, and a degree. i've changed jobs at least twice. i now know that straight hair can be only achieved either by a chemical process that involves hours and hours sitting in a parlor chair or by mechanically ironing my hair. i've deleted certain people from my life and added some. i learned to drive, wrecked a car, and bought spike. i've been through three laptops. my two bestfriends are now married while a third passed away before he could tie the knot. i've gone through several cellphones and simcards already.

when you break it down that way, i'm not really sure if time flew or i just wasn't so aware of what i did the last ten years of my life.

you've hit oil already. why are you still drilling?

there was so much fear in me so i kept trying to bail out. i guess it would have been more comforting if you were evil or you were hateful. i guess it would be easier if i didn't delude myself into thinking you and i had it good and there was something there that i've never found elsewhere.

I found the pieces in my hand
They were always there
It just took some time for me to understand
You gave me words I just can't say
So if nothing else
I'll just hold on while you drift away


but then i had to be me. i had to be the kid who constantly tugs at your arms to sit up and take notice. i wanted you to like me so bad that one day the real me just came out. and you hated it.

Cause everything you wanted me to hide
Is everything that makes me feel alive


i remember telling you for months. i usually give up after . i usually throw my hands up and move on. you told me, okay, it shouldn't be a problem, just so long as it doesn't happen on your birthday. your birthday is two and half months away. i'm still here. you're almost gone

The cities grow the rivers flow
Where you are I'll never know
But I'm still here
If you were right and I was wrong
Why are you the one who's gone
And I'm still here
I'm still here


you'd laugh at the things i do so as not to give in to that urge to bug you. i've deleted your number from my phone book so many times just so i don't go on texting you marathon messages. i've hidden my phone, watched crappy tv shows, even went out to give blood. anything just to quit thinking of you even for one single minute.

and when it all came crashing down on me, i couldn't put myself together. i couldn't be the independent girl you first liked. i couldn't be indifferent. i couldn't just walk away.

You've seen the ashes in my heart
You smile the widest when I cry inside and my insides blow apart
I try to wear another face
Just to make you proud
Just to make you put me in my place


i'm sorry. i'm sorry for bugging you day and night. i'm sorry for long phone calls that don't go anywhere. i'm sorry because i just couldn't relax.

But everything you wanted from me
Is everything that I could never be


had to take the day off to pick up the pieces of what used to be me. i sat in my desk. i slept. i forgot about food and taking a bath and everything else. all that mattered was how i was going to make it out of the door tomorrow a better person. all that mattered was to figure out a way for me to walk out block 104 with a smile, confidence once again intact, and a belief that the world is still a good place to be in

Maybe tonight it's gonna be alright
I will get better
Maybe today it's gonna be okay
I will remember


i know i bugged you again. i turned you off again with the non-stop questions, with me asking "why" and "why not" at every turn. i kept thinking if you would only say "yes" then things would be fine again. i thought that the answers were all in your court. i believed that all i had to do was to make you see it for what they were. but nothing i said made you change your mind.

I held the pieces of my soul
I was shattered
And I wanted you to come and make me whole
Then I saw you yesterday
But you didn't notice
You just walked away

Cause everything you wanted me to hide
Is everything that makes me feel alive


i think i've finally figured it out. sit still. i've hit oil. but i'm still drilling, and i'm driving you nuts.

i don't want you to walk away, although you may very well have already.

The lights go out the bridges burn
Once you go you can't return
But I'm still here
Remember how you used to say
I'd be the one to run away
But I'm still here


for once, i'm not going anywhere.

if you can't recognize the lines in between, they're from vertical horizon's "i'm still here". it's an amazing song.

intruder alert

i hate how i'd rather watch a crappy movie with you than go to bed after a long tiring day.

i hate how i'd rather watch a great movie with you than the person i promised i'd watch it with.

i hate how i showed you around one of my favorite places in the world and how you fell in love with it too unlike the others.

i hate how you stare at me while i ate my favorite carrot cake and how you stole the icing off my devil's food cake.

i hate how you'd call me to say goodnight and i'd be too sleepy to give you coherent answers.

i hate how you'd tell me you missed me half an hour after u drop me off.

i hate how being with you feels like wearing a favorite pair of stilettos -- confident and pretty but with a nagging thought that anytime soon you'd trip.

i hate how i'd put the phone on silent so that i wouldn't feel bad not hearing the message alert tone cause you're not texting but pleasantly surprised when i check the silent phone and there's one message received from you.

i hate how you try to make me mad at you so you can see me mad and laugh at me when i get all pissed and irritated.

i hate how in spite of this list i'd still rather spend time with you.

* * *

you've intruded, big time.

* * *

i just wish i've intruded in yours too. :)

cabinfever

i was exchanging SMS with a friend yesterday when she finally put what i've been feeling the past couple of months into words: cabin fever.


i know i couldn't explain it to friend x how i'd rather be alone these days. after all, i'm the kind of girl who can't even go to the bathroom alone. I even justify it by saying that maybe since i live alone, i've all this pent up energy waiting to be unleashed every time i'm around people.


the last couple of months however - and i'm trying to blame the hormones and injections for that - i've been craving for some serious alone time, especially time away from friend x. at first i thought it was cause there were things i couldn't do with friend x (like going to surplus shop which i absolutely loooooooove). then it came to the point where everything felt so tedious - eating lunch was tedious, walking to the parking was tedious, being around friend x was tedious. friendship, for the first time in my life, felt like a chore i couldn't wait to get done and over with.


and then she finally put a label to it: cabin fever. ever watched (or read) stephen king's the shining? we were <-this-> close, and while it was good (even great) during the best of times, i realized something about myself: that somewhere deep inside of me is that grade 4 kid who ate lunch alone so she could finish early and be in the library to borrow books before the afternoon classes began. i though high school (and all the intervening years in between) devoured that quiet girl whom the teacher could not remember. apparently, i was wrong.

are we prisoners of our past??

The price we pay for freedom is to receive the attacks of
the captives, and live the loneliness of always flying
higher than others.

However, after initial struggles, like a light that
lights up on time, the free ones receives the company
of those that, somehow, also want it for themselves.

I do not believe myself like a slave of my past or the past of my culture.

I like to believe that my soul exists outside of time, and in space I can use my free will with good sense.

I´m not talking about Thelema, because I don´t need to go against no egregore.

All the great human stories that speak of enlightened people have my respect.

To be free is to smile, despite being in a dark room,
in one long night, misunderstood, rejected, alone.

With the landscape and its mysteries as the true school,
only real friendship and company, even only in memories,
we will never trully be slaves or prisioners.

I´m not talking about Gnosticism, because Inner knowledge can not be labeled, and perhaps the greatest illusion of man is to think that he can pass on what he lives within himself.

Grimoires, hermetic texts, magic cards, all these
materials are only one thing: the attempt to pass
what in man and woman just happens naturally.

We are not slaves if we realize the beautiful magic within us and around us, wanting to teach the mysteries to everyone.

All the good feelings we can feel with our hearts, despite of anything: kindness, gratitude, inner peace, are gates to our minds to reach the heavens.

We will be free, even while behind bars, if our consiousness is clean.

i am me :)

ok.

i do admit i'm not the hottest thing on the planet. and i do admit that sometimes, guys i date fall for me not because of how cute or pretty i am but because of the fun they have with me in terms of conversation and what not. (go ask them :P)

i think miranda (from sex and the city) put it best when she said "sexy is what they think of me after we've had a long conversation."

anyway, self-deprecating remarks aside, i'd like to think i'm not bad on the eyes. and while i can sure lose a few pounds, i don't think my weight will threaten any guy's car's shock absorbers. i'm healthy. i went to a good school and am hopefully going to be a full pledge businesswoman very very soon. i speak ok english and i'm fun to be with. i believe in god, and i have some savings in the bank. i'm paying for my own miscellaneous and i smell nice. i don't think your friends will laugh at you if they see you with me.

moral? nothing!! blame my mind set tonite :P

happy birthday, person i deleted from my life.

several years ago, i celebrated the birthday of a person i christened my great love after a couple of days of hanging out and getting swimmingly along. few years after, i was pissed off, mad, and had made the unilateral decision to delete him from my life without any ceremony whatsoever. i was done, i wanted to move on, and there was nothing there that i wanted to go back to anymore. it was a bad decision borne out of impulse and, most likely, loneliness and therefore best chalked up to experience.

early this morning, while watching a movie that turns a woman's heart into jello, a friend reminded me of so-and-so's birthday. i had almost forgotten about it, but apparently the fate's won't let me. and so, now, almost halfway into ex-love birthday, i am choosing to remember the good things, the happy moments, and the friendship that was lovingly offered when i needed it the most.

with everyone boasting of countless of "friends" on facebook, one can't but help ask herself really what friendships are made of, and whether, when one realizes her car batteries has died, there'd be someone to pick her up and say it will be okay. there's always the looming question that even with the hundreds of names on my cellphone, there's someone there i could call when i'm too choked up to breathe from crying my heart out. with the ease of getting in touch via YM and skype and facebook chat, would any one of the people i can reach via these messenger-type technology be willing to listen to me as i, for the millionth time, complain about my complicated life?

maybe it's time for an apology to the boy who's celebrating his birthday today. maybe i was wrong for giving up on a friendship with you, after all, you did prove yourself a good friend when i was at a low point. and maybe it's time to acknowledge that friendships do not need technology but require actual time and presence to flourish. maybe it's time to thank new friends who met me when i was the most alone in my life and helped mold me into the strong, fearless, and (semi)confident single woman i now am.

to rav 0423