are relationships, after two and a half years, destined to become like a boring marriage? someone told me that passions die after a while and that the real meaning of holding on is when all that's left is a comfortable silence between you.
i'd like to think not.
i'd like to think that in an ideal relationship, couples still talk. you still talk about your dreams, some of them may have been fulfilled, some of them still a dream. you still talk about crazy things and do crazy things like getting a neoprint together. the other person is still your "crush", that one single person who makes your skin tingle with his touch. you still look forward to dates together, you dress up and make sure you smell and look great. you still send messages to each other in the middle of night, sharing sweet nothings. you'd still talk on the phone every so often, just to share a crazy anecdote or to tell him about your awful day.
in the end, an ideal relationship is where the honeymoon lasts forever.
but men, a young but really wise friend said, are goal oriented. you are the goal. and once they have you, there's no such thing as "making things work". you just move on with your lives until one day you realize you're not happy anymore ... or that you're willing to settle.
i will not settle. i will wait for that man who can give me a honeymoon for the rest of our lives together.
unearthing words from my heart
15 May 2011
Two Circles
while walking from MRT to the heart of Orchard this morning, i slowly formed in my head a theory of life and friendship.
imagine your life to be two circles, one inside the other.
the life you maintain, the life you have with your friends and family is the inner circle. this is where you're totally predictable, how they know that you like pakbet with only kalabasa and sitaw, and that you have a thing for shoes. this is where you have to maintain that facade, that you don't drink coke at all even if it meant not drinking at all. you've been pegged in this circle and should you decide to change the persona in this circle, you'd have to slowly warn everyone in this circle of the impending change.
on the other hand, the outer circle is the peripheral life... where on a really hot day and you're all alone, you can actually drink coke. it's where you think of having a cigarette just to know how it tastes like. it's where you spill all of your secrets and fears to a virtual stranger just cause you know that this person will never infiltrate your inner circle, cause you know that this person will never tell anyone of the things you've told him.
life is comfortable in the inner circle. it's warm and fuzzy, where all the blankets are pink and fluffy (that is if you want them pink and fluffy). nothing much changes here.
but in the outer circle, that's where all your guilty pleasures lie waiting for you to consume them. in my outer circle, i can admit i am captivated by watching kris aquino (i don't really know why!). in my outer circle, i can read nicomachean ethics and be captivated.
imagine your life to be two circles, one inside the other.
the life you maintain, the life you have with your friends and family is the inner circle. this is where you're totally predictable, how they know that you like pakbet with only kalabasa and sitaw, and that you have a thing for shoes. this is where you have to maintain that facade, that you don't drink coke at all even if it meant not drinking at all. you've been pegged in this circle and should you decide to change the persona in this circle, you'd have to slowly warn everyone in this circle of the impending change.
on the other hand, the outer circle is the peripheral life... where on a really hot day and you're all alone, you can actually drink coke. it's where you think of having a cigarette just to know how it tastes like. it's where you spill all of your secrets and fears to a virtual stranger just cause you know that this person will never infiltrate your inner circle, cause you know that this person will never tell anyone of the things you've told him.
life is comfortable in the inner circle. it's warm and fuzzy, where all the blankets are pink and fluffy (that is if you want them pink and fluffy). nothing much changes here.
but in the outer circle, that's where all your guilty pleasures lie waiting for you to consume them. in my outer circle, i can admit i am captivated by watching kris aquino (i don't really know why!). in my outer circle, i can read nicomachean ethics and be captivated.
Two Circles
while walking from MRT to the heart of Orchard this morning, i slowly formed in my head a theory of life and friendship.
imagine your life to be two circles, one inside the other.
the life you maintain, the life you have with your friends and family is the inner circle. this is where you're totally predictable, how they know that you like pakbet with only kalabasa and sitaw, and that you have a thing for shoes. this is where you have to maintain that facade, that you don't drink coke at all even if it meant not drinking at all. you've been pegged in this circle and should you decide to change the persona in this circle, you'd have to slowly warn everyone in this circle of the impending change.
on the other hand, the outer circle is the peripheral life... where on a really hot day and you're all alone, you can actually drink coke. it's where you think of having a cigarette just to know how it tastes like. it's where you spill all of your secrets and fears to a virtual stranger just cause you know that this person will never infiltrate your inner circle, cause you know that this person will never tell anyone of the things you've told him.
life is comfortable in the inner circle. it's warm and fuzzy, where all the blankets are pink and fluffy (that is if you want them pink and fluffy). nothing much changes here.
but in the outer circle, that's where all your guilty pleasures lie waiting for you to consume them. in my outer circle, i can admit i am captivated by watching kris aquino (i don't really know why!). in my outer circle, i can read nicomachean ethics and be captivated.
imagine your life to be two circles, one inside the other.
the life you maintain, the life you have with your friends and family is the inner circle. this is where you're totally predictable, how they know that you like pakbet with only kalabasa and sitaw, and that you have a thing for shoes. this is where you have to maintain that facade, that you don't drink coke at all even if it meant not drinking at all. you've been pegged in this circle and should you decide to change the persona in this circle, you'd have to slowly warn everyone in this circle of the impending change.
on the other hand, the outer circle is the peripheral life... where on a really hot day and you're all alone, you can actually drink coke. it's where you think of having a cigarette just to know how it tastes like. it's where you spill all of your secrets and fears to a virtual stranger just cause you know that this person will never infiltrate your inner circle, cause you know that this person will never tell anyone of the things you've told him.
life is comfortable in the inner circle. it's warm and fuzzy, where all the blankets are pink and fluffy (that is if you want them pink and fluffy). nothing much changes here.
but in the outer circle, that's where all your guilty pleasures lie waiting for you to consume them. in my outer circle, i can admit i am captivated by watching kris aquino (i don't really know why!). in my outer circle, i can read nicomachean ethics and be captivated.
i want a new me
yes, i want a new me, but unfortunately, as with all i-will-finally-get-my-stuff-in-order plans, most my reinvention plans fail after a while. most recently was the pearl project where some kids and i planned to start wearing pearls in the belief that women who wear pearls seem to be more gentle, more loving, more with "it" than anyone we know. i actually posted a small piece of paper on my desk both in the house and at work containing "pearl project" in big bold letters hoping that the constant reminder would empower me to continue on with my grand plan.
recently, on a particularly long trip, i again made the decision to reinvent myself anew. i want enough of the old me to remain but enough of the new me to catch people's attention. in his words, the goal is to be an event.
now this could be the stilettos talking but, whatever. i want a new me. i want to be more confident of who i am. i want to finally lose the 15 pounds i gained with all the late night McDonals trip. i want to learn how to finally walk in heels. i want to be kinder and more gentle in dealing with people, and yet firm when the need arises. i want to learn how to keep my mouth shut so when i finally speak, people sit up and listen. i want to be independent, to be able to eat alone, vacation alone, and (the ultimate) watch a movie alone.
i want to be able to sing... but that'll be asking for too much.
* * *
i don't really know what brought about the sudden decision. could be because i was in major "unrequited like" situation? ever been there? you're starting to be friends with someone then all of a sudden you see things you like in the person. you notice how his eyes are like. you begin to imagine what it's like kissing him. you find yourself finding more and more reasons to text him. every song on the radio becomes relevant in your imagined love affair.
he, on the other hand, carries on as if he were clueless or something. he goes on and on about this girl who fell in love with him and how he can't handle ANYONE falling for him. he puts himself down, telling you how weird he is and how the thought of commitment sends shivers down his spine. he tells you how he likes women in general and how he'd probably just go on dating till kingdom come.
you sit there listening to him, pretending to be understanding and all that when the only thought running through your head is "dude, i'm falling in like with you and all you can think about is her?"
* * *
every single minute can be sheer torture. you know the feeling of a wound that's healed and yet pressing the scab on top of it brings this weird kind of pain? that's how it's like. you know it'll be painful but you keep pressing for some absurd reason. you know you should resign yourself to the fact that the most he'll ever see you as is as a good friend, a younger sister maybe, but that's it. you know that losing twenty pounds and affecting a british accent won't change his mind about you. oh, you can pray to st. jude (the patron of the impossible, i gather) but that'll be too much.
recently, on a particularly long trip, i again made the decision to reinvent myself anew. i want enough of the old me to remain but enough of the new me to catch people's attention. in his words, the goal is to be an event.
now this could be the stilettos talking but, whatever. i want a new me. i want to be more confident of who i am. i want to finally lose the 15 pounds i gained with all the late night McDonals trip. i want to learn how to finally walk in heels. i want to be kinder and more gentle in dealing with people, and yet firm when the need arises. i want to learn how to keep my mouth shut so when i finally speak, people sit up and listen. i want to be independent, to be able to eat alone, vacation alone, and (the ultimate) watch a movie alone.
i want to be able to sing... but that'll be asking for too much.
* * *
i don't really know what brought about the sudden decision. could be because i was in major "unrequited like" situation? ever been there? you're starting to be friends with someone then all of a sudden you see things you like in the person. you notice how his eyes are like. you begin to imagine what it's like kissing him. you find yourself finding more and more reasons to text him. every song on the radio becomes relevant in your imagined love affair.
he, on the other hand, carries on as if he were clueless or something. he goes on and on about this girl who fell in love with him and how he can't handle ANYONE falling for him. he puts himself down, telling you how weird he is and how the thought of commitment sends shivers down his spine. he tells you how he likes women in general and how he'd probably just go on dating till kingdom come.
you sit there listening to him, pretending to be understanding and all that when the only thought running through your head is "dude, i'm falling in like with you and all you can think about is her?"
* * *
every single minute can be sheer torture. you know the feeling of a wound that's healed and yet pressing the scab on top of it brings this weird kind of pain? that's how it's like. you know it'll be painful but you keep pressing for some absurd reason. you know you should resign yourself to the fact that the most he'll ever see you as is as a good friend, a younger sister maybe, but that's it. you know that losing twenty pounds and affecting a british accent won't change his mind about you. oh, you can pray to st. jude (the patron of the impossible, i gather) but that'll be too much.
11 May 2011
was it my screwed up hormones or was it just me?
as i sit behind my messy office desk listing down the numerous things i have to finish, i cant help but still feel the glow of a job well done. a couple of weeks ago, i did a feasibility for this old case that was assigned to me recently and after we submitted said pleading (to upper management), the office copy came back my way with a very clear "very good" on it written by one of the Big Bosses. then yesterday, i read an email from a new client saying i was very well prepared and that they were satisfied with my work. today, the same client sent a text message appearing to be very happy with the opinion i emailed today.
all of a sudden, all the issues i poured out to chesnut two sundays ago are gone and here i am, content once more with the path that i have taken and the work that i'm doing. i am happy and for some reason, i do not mind knowing that the next couple of weeks will require extra long days if i want to shine like the bright star that i want to become.
a while back a friend noted that i had ceased to be the fun person i was before. and that scared me a lot. how can i not be cheerful, sunshiny, bright, happy and bouncy when these are the very things that i think define me. i cannot NOT be fun, at least to my mind. i cannot be serious and deep, or the type that ponders on things. i am impulsive. i am a whirlwind. i am entropy personified.
so i tried blaming hormones - maybe its just cause of the medicine i'm taking. or stress, cause, really, i've been tired a lot lately. i also wanted to blame lack of sleep although we all know more than anything else i do make sure i get a lot of that.
somewhere between the blaming sessions and today, i realized that happiness doesn't mean being bright, sunshiny, and cheerful all the time. happiness isn't also something that comes from shallow little things that makes one smile from ear to ear. i can be the fun person i was without all the external trappings.
go back to the first paragraph.
i am doing a great job.
i am making my clients happy. (and if they're happy, then so must be my bosses too)
so forget happiness from bouncy shiny happy things. i am an adult, and when one's an adult, happiness comes from doing what ought to be done right and the best way you can. and guess what - that's where i am at right now :)
all of a sudden, all the issues i poured out to chesnut two sundays ago are gone and here i am, content once more with the path that i have taken and the work that i'm doing. i am happy and for some reason, i do not mind knowing that the next couple of weeks will require extra long days if i want to shine like the bright star that i want to become.
a while back a friend noted that i had ceased to be the fun person i was before. and that scared me a lot. how can i not be cheerful, sunshiny, bright, happy and bouncy when these are the very things that i think define me. i cannot NOT be fun, at least to my mind. i cannot be serious and deep, or the type that ponders on things. i am impulsive. i am a whirlwind. i am entropy personified.
so i tried blaming hormones - maybe its just cause of the medicine i'm taking. or stress, cause, really, i've been tired a lot lately. i also wanted to blame lack of sleep although we all know more than anything else i do make sure i get a lot of that.
somewhere between the blaming sessions and today, i realized that happiness doesn't mean being bright, sunshiny, and cheerful all the time. happiness isn't also something that comes from shallow little things that makes one smile from ear to ear. i can be the fun person i was without all the external trappings.
go back to the first paragraph.
i am doing a great job.
i am making my clients happy. (and if they're happy, then so must be my bosses too)
so forget happiness from bouncy shiny happy things. i am an adult, and when one's an adult, happiness comes from doing what ought to be done right and the best way you can. and guess what - that's where i am at right now :)
10 May 2011
going slow
admittedly, patience has never been my strong suit.
but going real slow with him, well, it's been a pleasure. funny how each text message seems like a huge deal, or how minutes before he's due to appear in front of my doorstep i can't stop thinking of how fun the conversation is going to be. and it's nothing short of amazing how each and every single moment spent with him - save for that very unfortunate wedding "date" - is a moment to be savored.
it's ironic how not being with this person has taught me more than all of my other relationships combined. i used to be unable to understand what good there is to waiting. now i do. and if it's going to take another couple of months before anything more happens, i'll be fine.
it turns out that when you've found something real something true something truly amazing, you're willing to do every single thing, make all the sacrifices in the world, and wait till kingdom come for it to come to you
but going real slow with him, well, it's been a pleasure. funny how each text message seems like a huge deal, or how minutes before he's due to appear in front of my doorstep i can't stop thinking of how fun the conversation is going to be. and it's nothing short of amazing how each and every single moment spent with him - save for that very unfortunate wedding "date" - is a moment to be savored.
it's ironic how not being with this person has taught me more than all of my other relationships combined. i used to be unable to understand what good there is to waiting. now i do. and if it's going to take another couple of months before anything more happens, i'll be fine.
it turns out that when you've found something real something true something truly amazing, you're willing to do every single thing, make all the sacrifices in the world, and wait till kingdom come for it to come to you
09 May 2011
boyfriend and shoes
boyfriend selection, much like buying a pair of shoes, can be hits or misses. for one, there are times in your life, like when you're depressed that you convince yourself that you just gotta have one. another thing is that sometimes, after the first couple of weeks of happily being together almost all the time, you hit a plateau and you begin searching for the same thrill that you got, say, when you first wore the shoe or, in the case of the boyfriend, first held his hand.
misses would be those pairs of shoes you fall in love with, you wear while in bed just looking at how nice your foot is while clad in that particular pair, but stop liking when they immediately stop being promising after you realize how painful they could be to wear on a daily basis, or how something about the insole makes your toes icky-black after a day of wearing them. misses would be those boyfriends who, absent the usual rose colored glasses one usually sports at the start of the relationship, reveal themselves to be losers beyond belief.
the problem with both a pair of shoes and boyfriends is that sometimes, you have to make the "purchase" before you really find out their true colors.
:(
misses would be those pairs of shoes you fall in love with, you wear while in bed just looking at how nice your foot is while clad in that particular pair, but stop liking when they immediately stop being promising after you realize how painful they could be to wear on a daily basis, or how something about the insole makes your toes icky-black after a day of wearing them. misses would be those boyfriends who, absent the usual rose colored glasses one usually sports at the start of the relationship, reveal themselves to be losers beyond belief.
the problem with both a pair of shoes and boyfriends is that sometimes, you have to make the "purchase" before you really find out their true colors.
:(
05 May 2011
when friendship gets tiring
i know how it's like. i know how it's like to just want to be whiny and pathetic and crying all the time. i know how it's like to need ten thousand shoulders to cry on. i know how it's like for every single fibre of your being to just want to get back together with the guy because you just effing love him.
but come on.
even if you are the sweetest, most amazing, and greatest friend i've had in years, even if hanging out with you is almost always a lovely experience, even if you are best friend material, i - mega-watt, super unused to female friends, and totally type-a me - can only take so much.
and so, thank goodness for text messages you can ignore, phone calls you can drop, and sleep you can feign. if i have to again listen as to how you're giving him the ten millionth chance in the universe because, as you so claim, you love him, i may just end up hitting you on the head with my bag.
so today, i hope you understand that i'm being a bad friend by ignoring you. i am human. i can only take so much.
p.s. when friendships work, it begins with a single desperate phone call which escalates to the kind of friendship where you both learn to lean on each other from the smallest things to the biggest, and the kind where no matter how pissed you are, you know that a bag hitting incident will never happen.
at least not anytime soon.
but come on.
even if you are the sweetest, most amazing, and greatest friend i've had in years, even if hanging out with you is almost always a lovely experience, even if you are best friend material, i - mega-watt, super unused to female friends, and totally type-a me - can only take so much.
and so, thank goodness for text messages you can ignore, phone calls you can drop, and sleep you can feign. if i have to again listen as to how you're giving him the ten millionth chance in the universe because, as you so claim, you love him, i may just end up hitting you on the head with my bag.
so today, i hope you understand that i'm being a bad friend by ignoring you. i am human. i can only take so much.
p.s. when friendships work, it begins with a single desperate phone call which escalates to the kind of friendship where you both learn to lean on each other from the smallest things to the biggest, and the kind where no matter how pissed you are, you know that a bag hitting incident will never happen.
at least not anytime soon.
02 May 2011
Single White Female
In high school, Malou once noticed that she was starting to sound like me – with the kind of words I used, my mannerisms when I talked, stuff like that. But that’s ok bcoz that’s what girl friends do together, right? You like the same things and pretty soon you could end up looking and talking like you were twins.
But when you’re not my friend and you copy something of mine – that’s majorly NOT cool. Have some originality, why don’t you. What are you gonna do next – give up your usual frumpy principal attire and start wearing Mango and Zara and Enzo? Are you gonna take up reading now, and watching indie films, and maybe even blogging? Go ahead, give yourself several nosebleeds – last time I checked, it’s still a free country.
You will also have to befriend all my family and friends, bcoz they are who make my life so colorful, insane, and endlessly amazing. Assuming they’ll let you, that is –which I highly doubt considering you are not only dull and pretend to be all virginal, it turns out you are also a poor little copycat.
If you start absorbing some culture now and surrounding yourself with interesting people, then maybe in the next few years you can be just like me - a bitch, no doubt, but surprisingly well-loved all around. And maybe then he’ll love you more, right?
But when you’re not my friend and you copy something of mine – that’s majorly NOT cool. Have some originality, why don’t you. What are you gonna do next – give up your usual frumpy principal attire and start wearing Mango and Zara and Enzo? Are you gonna take up reading now, and watching indie films, and maybe even blogging? Go ahead, give yourself several nosebleeds – last time I checked, it’s still a free country.
You will also have to befriend all my family and friends, bcoz they are who make my life so colorful, insane, and endlessly amazing. Assuming they’ll let you, that is –which I highly doubt considering you are not only dull and pretend to be all virginal, it turns out you are also a poor little copycat.
If you start absorbing some culture now and surrounding yourself with interesting people, then maybe in the next few years you can be just like me - a bitch, no doubt, but surprisingly well-loved all around. And maybe then he’ll love you more, right?
25 April 2011
that's it!
That's it!
When you try very hard to say something and yet the other person misinterprets the point. Totally off...That's it.
When you make all efforts to clear the waters from the murk and yet someone still steps on it...That's it.
When you keep on lighting a candle and the wind just blows it... That's it.
When one leaves and stay, leaves and stay, leaves and stay and leaves...That's it.
If the car always gives you a headache, giving you problems of bogging down when needed...That's it.
If the phone line is busy, can't be reached, no reply...That's it.
If the shoes you terribly like doesn't fit you, suits you, and you couldn't match it with any of your clothes...That's it.
If one keeps on visiting a friend and the friend ain't there... That's it.
If you cannot understand people around you, authorities and why they are doing such...that's it.
If you tried to send a message but the phone keeps stating 'message failed'...that's it.
If you have waited for hours, days, months for the package to arrive but it was sent to another...that's it.
If the weather is cold and you are in sleeveless,and when the weather is hot you are in coat, it simply means you have the wrong timing and can't seem to get the weathering right...that's it!
If things don't go the way you intended it... That's it.
If you can't fix it, you just can't fix it... That's it.
If you ordered for a soda and the server gave you milk...That's it.
If you are reading this blog and you think I am pertaining to you... or you feel that you can simply relate....hahahahahaha!...impossible...maybe...that's it!
Take things as it is... simply because that's it.
And taking things as it is makes life simplier because in reality...that's it. whew!
20 April 2011
flashback
If I could go back in time and re-live some episodes of my life, I’d go back to the times when…
… I was seven and the only thing people asked me was what I want to be when I grow up, as opposed to now when I get asked all sorts of legal questions, half of which I don’t even want to answer.
… I believed that every thing was possible if only I try harder, as opposed to now when I think that the harder I try, the more elusive my dreams become.
… all it took to make me happy was for my favorite PBA team to win a championship, as opposed to now that the burden of decision are on my hands.
… I can eat what I want and not feel guilty, as opposed to now that the mere thought of buying ice cream consumes me with guilt.
… I cry only because of a movie, as opposed to now that I cry for a host of other reasons, or sometimes, for no reason at all.
… it was still cute to be a hopeless romantic, as opposed to now that being romantic means being hopeless.
… fights with friends were settled easily, as opposed to now where fights could really mean the end of a friendship.
… going to the library simply meant waiting for my crush to appear, as opposed to now when going to the library means looking for a precedent that does not exist.
… I had to wait for the DJ to play my favorite song, or for a particular day to watch my favorite show, as opposed to now when I can listen and watch anytime I want, so there’s nothing more to anticipate.
… financial planning meant budgeting my allowance for one week, as opposed to now when it means being pressured to have substantial savings and investments and learning how to maintain them.
… a broken heart was something that could heal in a few days, as opposed to now when any sort of healing is followed by an even worse relapse.
… getting good grades meant I did something right, as opposed to now when doing something right doesn’t translate to anything good anymore.
… when imagining the future meant looking forward to better days, as opposed to now when imagining the future means not knowing if it will be better.
… an angst-filled sentimental post such as this was age appropriate, as opposed to now when it sounds like another alcohol-induced rambling.
Believe me, the most melodramatic blogs are written on Thursday afternoon when your not busy at work and nothing to do but stare at my monitors (1 desktop, 1 company laptop, and my personal 1 ) . I should keep myself busy. Seriously.
19 April 2011
The thing i promised i wont blog.
I told myself I'll never blog about this. But there's something about blogging that puts a stamp of finality to one's issues. So if only for the fact that I want to once and for all put an end to this melodramatic episode of my life, I decided to blog about this issue that's been bothering me for months now.
I'm saying goodbye to "pretty boy". We didn't have a fight; we never had a serious misunderstanding. We simply grew apart.
At first, I was reluctant to let go. I felt it was a friendship worth fighting for. But when it's only you who's interested in fighting for a relationship, you also get tired. And you tell yourself that maybe, you are better off not having this person in your life anymore. This choice, I know, doesn't make me a bad person. If anything, it makes me aware that even beautiful friendships have to come to an end. Especially if that's what it entails for both of us to grow.
We have a long history, my friend and I. We both thought we'd go through some of our life's special moments together and witness one another's joys. The saddest part of putting an end to our friendship is the realization that we won't be part of each other's lives anymore. But as they say, nothing is really permanent in this life. What was good for us a couple of years back may not be good for us now. If only for that, we owe it to ourselves to part ways.
I won't blame anyone for this. I've stopped figuring out what went wrong and how we came to this and why. The most that I can accept is that we have grown apart and at a certain point, we just stopped noticing. And perhaps, in the interest of self-preservation, we both stopped caring.
I wish this person a good life. I wish that the choices we both made will compensate for this loss. As for me, I know I'll get by. Though I never believed that time heals all wounds because I'm sure that the only thing time can do is draw us farther apart, I still believe that time can make me forget. So that's what I will do: forget about this episode and all the pain that it caused. My only regret is that I waited this long to do this. Considering how things ended, I should have done this earlier.
I'm saying goodbye to "pretty boy". We didn't have a fight; we never had a serious misunderstanding. We simply grew apart.
At first, I was reluctant to let go. I felt it was a friendship worth fighting for. But when it's only you who's interested in fighting for a relationship, you also get tired. And you tell yourself that maybe, you are better off not having this person in your life anymore. This choice, I know, doesn't make me a bad person. If anything, it makes me aware that even beautiful friendships have to come to an end. Especially if that's what it entails for both of us to grow.
We have a long history, my friend and I. We both thought we'd go through some of our life's special moments together and witness one another's joys. The saddest part of putting an end to our friendship is the realization that we won't be part of each other's lives anymore. But as they say, nothing is really permanent in this life. What was good for us a couple of years back may not be good for us now. If only for that, we owe it to ourselves to part ways.
I won't blame anyone for this. I've stopped figuring out what went wrong and how we came to this and why. The most that I can accept is that we have grown apart and at a certain point, we just stopped noticing. And perhaps, in the interest of self-preservation, we both stopped caring.
I wish this person a good life. I wish that the choices we both made will compensate for this loss. As for me, I know I'll get by. Though I never believed that time heals all wounds because I'm sure that the only thing time can do is draw us farther apart, I still believe that time can make me forget. So that's what I will do: forget about this episode and all the pain that it caused. My only regret is that I waited this long to do this. Considering how things ended, I should have done this earlier.
17 April 2011
the many facets
I am an officer.Thriving on self righteousness, uniqueness and simplicity...I earn my badge to act base on freewill. Call me anything that you want, I will still live on my own ideologies. I have mastered the act of taking for granted what people thinks and expect of me,,, because at the end of the day,,nobody will be there to fight for you. So might as well be absolutely liable for my own future, my own happiness and my own keep.
Im a bag person.Id rather spend my moolah on bags rather than clothes. Bags are theraphy for me.
Im Single. But not available.
Im a sweet person Go and ask Chesnut :)
Im the Director I direct my own life...but still i know God is my Producer (pun)
I am a Fan ... Well heres a list of my idols. will try to complete every now and then 1. My Father - for his kindness and simplicity ( why i didnt inherit that trait?? ) 2. Adonis P. Sulit - a lawyer, educator...my college crush *wink 3. Piolo Pascual - well when i was still young and uncertain 4. OG Mandino - for life's greatest lesson 5. Paulo Coelho - undoubtedly the best author 6. Rosa - for her blog 7. Ehead, PNE, Vertical Horizon, Barry Manilow, Gary V, Martin N, Rey Valera 8. Chiz Escudero - when he was starting on politics and unstained :( 9. Lee Kwan Yew - of his simplicity, prudence and wit 10. Miriam D. Santiago - for her total absence of Simplicity 11. Father Gerry Orbos - his talent to share the Gospel of God in the simplest and most intertaining way 12. Bob Ong - for knowing and defining what a true ordinary Filipino .
I am a child. After all the accomplishments I have painstakingly done (whew) i still haven't outgrown the child in me. I think everyone has his/her creeping inside them, tho mine is more prevalent. What is it for that I allocate part of my keep to all those tiny-cutey stuff Disney characters. And how Im inclined with all things colored and how my make up kit has this Pooh and Friends Design. My pens case was of Pooh and guess what??? my coin bank is that of Eeyore :) Maybe i need to attribute on my lack of means to enjoy those things when i was young,, when the necessity are stapled on food and once a year new dress. i have not been bitter on what i had to go through, rather it made me thankful on what i have now. God is really good. Nobody can ever imagine how omnipotent His kindness is.
Im a Mom ( Not necessarily the best ) I told God once, what have I done to deserve Clara. She is just as perfect. All the ordeal I have to come and face with are nothing compared to all the happiness she's giving to us her family. Hopefully the Best Mom title would suit me,,,when she's grown up and can make her own keep. I am definitely proud of her.... hopefully she can be proud of me too.
The Cow(Girl) being with my guy bestbud for 12 years and counting, im more inept to guy things. on how they fall in love, how they think, how they respond to particular situation, how they give importance to journey rather than the destination....and how cool they are at any given point. or maybe Chesnut is just the one. One of a kind ;) I have been a drinker...and i'll bet my one month salary only if somebody can win over me in a let-drink-until-u-can game. this is not to brag....grrrr (clearly it's not call bragging ,,,,hahaha....lowsy joke )
15 April 2011
Moving on...with a unilateral deal
You know you’ve truly moved on when you stop saying you’ve moved on. So obviously, there’s someone here who is far from moving on.
But I’m not denying it. In fact when people ask me how I am with regard to that aspect of my life, I don’t bother to answer anymore. Because there’s really no answer to that question. At best, the only thing I can say is that I’m painstakingly attempting to move on without much success. That’s the truth, anyway.
There’s no one formula for this, I guess. We all move on at our own pace, according to our own terms, and with our own defenses in the event the we backslide from our resolve. A friend told me that moving on is an art, and one that takes a lifetime to perfect. While that may be true, I also think that I deserve someone who will not give me any reason to move on anymore. Maybe that person exists. Or maybe he doesn’t. In any case, I’ve decided to make this the last time I’ll ever move on from someone. I don’t want to spend my life perfecting the art of moving on. Art or not, it’s a vice I need to put an end to. Right now.
In fact,maybe I won’t simply move on. Instead, I will opt to move up. Moving on is for those who want to forget. Moving up is for those who realize that if they remember, they can only get better. I’ve never been the type who forgets. I don’t believe that someone who has made a huge impact in my life can be easily forgotten just like that. But I believe in being transformed by experience because I’m the type who learns from my mistakes especially if I commit them twice over.
So maybe I know better now than just to aspire to move on. I will move up instead. Perhaps that’s the art that I should learn to perfect in this lifetime.
But I’m not denying it. In fact when people ask me how I am with regard to that aspect of my life, I don’t bother to answer anymore. Because there’s really no answer to that question. At best, the only thing I can say is that I’m painstakingly attempting to move on without much success. That’s the truth, anyway.
There’s no one formula for this, I guess. We all move on at our own pace, according to our own terms, and with our own defenses in the event the we backslide from our resolve. A friend told me that moving on is an art, and one that takes a lifetime to perfect. While that may be true, I also think that I deserve someone who will not give me any reason to move on anymore. Maybe that person exists. Or maybe he doesn’t. In any case, I’ve decided to make this the last time I’ll ever move on from someone. I don’t want to spend my life perfecting the art of moving on. Art or not, it’s a vice I need to put an end to. Right now.
In fact,maybe I won’t simply move on. Instead, I will opt to move up. Moving on is for those who want to forget. Moving up is for those who realize that if they remember, they can only get better. I’ve never been the type who forgets. I don’t believe that someone who has made a huge impact in my life can be easily forgotten just like that. But I believe in being transformed by experience because I’m the type who learns from my mistakes especially if I commit them twice over.
So maybe I know better now than just to aspire to move on. I will move up instead. Perhaps that’s the art that I should learn to perfect in this lifetime.
14 April 2011
It must have been ( yet another unrequited ) Love
We met in Batangas a few years ago. Since it was some kind of yuo-are-in- heaven-im- on hell situation I didn't expect anything to develop. Besides, I was recovering from a heartache at that time and finding another one was the last thing on my mind. So imagine my surprise when he turned out to be different. For one, he was simple---so unlike all the "others" that I know. For another, he was smart (so i thought). which is now a rare combination, if you ask me.
And so we met and hit it off at once. Our conversations were meaningful but fun; our chemistry palpable yet subtle. Of course, he never admitted that he liked me. He couldn't have. But at that time, it didn't matter. Being together was enough. Besides, I told myself that this is about love. And as Nora Ephron would say: any story about love begins with a certain amount of rationalization. So true to form, I did rationalize that our apparent differences notwithstanding, there was no reason why we couldn't end up together. After all, when it comes to matters of the heart, there is hope even for the most hopeless. And though I happen to know that Nora Ephron also said that unrequited love is such a bore, I was just too giddy to care. Of course, I wasn't bored. I was in love! Never mind if he never texted on special occasions or bothered to update me about his life. It was enough that he was there to make me feel good about myself when it mattered most. I was oblivious to his indifference, confident that in time, he'd find a way to express how he felt towards me.
Until last week.
I got sick and was rushed to the ER due to severe back pains which immobilized me for a couple of days. But when I told him about it, all I got was a perfunctory reply that was even more perfunctory than some of my officemates' reaction when I told them the same thing.
And if only for that, I stopped being in love.
I figured, I couldn't possibly stay in love with someone who doesn't care, never mind if he did care at one point and might eventually care in the future. I couldn't possibly stay in love with someone who doesn't even bother to check on me despite knowing my condition, even though he claims to remember me from time to time. I couldn't possibly stay in love with someone who isn't here now, even if in the future, he could be here again. Who was it who said that "the future and its possibilities provide cold comfort for a tired and broken heart"?
So I therefore conclude that unrequited love is not just a bore. It's worse than that. It's a non-story. In the end, it's just one person trying to make sense of something that's never meant to make any sense in the first place. It's one pathetic heart insisting that it is joined by another, only to discover that such other was never on board. It's what happens when you delude yourself into thinking that a good love story can still happen even when all your past experiences point to the contrary. It's two people who were never on the same page of the same chapter of the same book.
So I'm out of love and as my close friends would say: what's new? I've been out of love for almost a week now and though there had been relapses, I'm pretty proud of how I've carried on. I had coffee alone last night and felt nothing. And though I still palpitate at the sight of a blue uniform that looks exactly like his, I tell myself that even that is understandable. After all, love, though unrequited, takes time to heal. And that remains true even if it's your third unrequited love in the last five years.
No wonder I'm so bored.
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