Or maybe we do.
I heard some bad news yesterday and although it wasn’t the worst I’ve heard in months, it nonetheless hurt. Hearing the bad news reminded me of a friend who told me she’s wondering why some people who were less smart than her in school are now making more money. While I can’t complain about the same thing as I have no basis for saying that I’m smarter than anybody in my class, the most is I can say is this: I think I’m a good person but why do bad things happen to me?
I know. It sounds lame when I put it that way, and the truth is, I actually know the answer. But just so you know, that statement is coming from a place of deep pain, disappointment and frustration. And it’s a place I am well acquainted with by now.
I know I’ll get better in a few days. I always do. But in the meantime, I think I’ll sulk and loathe myself and ask my friends to throw me another pity party. Not even the fact that the new toy I ordered and which I’ve been coveting for so long is on its way can assuage my frustration. In fact, not even the thought that I’ll see my favorite person in the world in a few days can appease me. And we’re talking here about THE favorite person who never fails to work his magic in my life every time I see him. So it’s either I’m totally over him, or what I’m going through right now is really that bad. I’m guessing it’s the latter.
unearthing words from my heart
14 May 2015
book heaven
In a Powerbooks warehouse sale we went to last year, we overheard a little girl squeal at the sight of piles upon piles of cheap and lovely books, “This is heaven!”
My heaven will have a lot of books too. I've always loved books. My love for reading started with my Readers' Digests that were lying all around the house . (I have a lot of booklover friends who started out on Funny comics. It's inexplicable.) I moved on to Nancy Drew, Sweet Dreams, Sweet Valley, Judy Blume. Now I read everything I can get my hands on (except that I don't pretend to like profound or complicated intellectual stuff). I remember when I was pregnant I devoured all the childbirth books I could find (not just What to Expect When You're Expecting) bcoz it was the one way I could think of (well, books and our Lamaze classes, that is) to arm myself in what was previously uncharted territory for me.
An ideal afternoon for me is lying on the hammock with a good book, say, the latest from Neil Gaiman, or some easy reading chick lit from Jennifer Weiner or Sophie Kinsella, something from Oprah's Book Club, Harry Potter all over again, or some obscure thing I bought all bcoz it happened to have a nice cover. I love to try out new authors too and derive great pleasure out of seeing my favorite books that nobody else seems to have heard of suddenly turned into big-budget Hollywood films. Last year, there was Reese Witherspoon's Just Like Heaven, which was adapted from If Only It Were True which my sis and I read and loved from way back. Recently I heard that Richard Gere is doing The Bee Season, this heartbreaking novel I read last summer. It's the same satisfaction I felt in high school when I borrowed stuff like Catcher in the Rye and A Separate Peace and Of Mice and Men from the library and my friends started looking at me like I was a weirdo, until our literature teacher gave us our reading list which included the books I've been reading all along. It's like vindication, like my tastes aren't so bad after all, and that maybe I have some culture in me after all.
I'm loyal to my favorite authors so I have shelves upon shelves of books by the same people (Anita Shreve, Anne Tyler, Roald Dahl, Robert Fulghum, Maeve Bincy, Larry Mc Murtry, who would later co-write the Brokeback screenplay). I could spend my entire salary on books, I swear. There's just something about the smell and feel of a new book. And you can always go back to your favorite parts if you feel like crying or cracking up one more time, or you can just read the entire book over and over again. And yet the thing about books is, you don't even have to own them, you can just borrow a fellow bookworm's and the stories can stay with you just the same. It's not like a favorite pair of jeans that you have to own and wear to show off. With a book, you can read it once and bring it with you in your mind and in your heart and re-tell the story to whoever's willing to listen anytime and anywhere.
My great recent reads include a memoir from Claire Fordham, which offers a unique peek into the life of her famous sister Julia from the point of view of an older and crazier sib. I've also just finished another memoir, an amazing one by a girl who was a victim of Munchausen by proxy, this unbelievably awful thing that a parent can do to a child. Over Holy Week I finished The Lovely Bones, as narrated by a dead girl who was raped and murdered by a serial rapist/killer in the neighborhood. It was written by Alice Sebold, who I learned was herself raped while a freshman in college.
I'm looking for a bookmark I once had. It had a great quote from some great philosopher like Demosthenes or something. It says something like, if I have money I buy books, and if there is any left over I buy food and clothes.
My heaven will have a lot of books too. I've always loved books. My love for reading started with my Readers' Digests that were lying all around the house . (I have a lot of booklover friends who started out on Funny comics. It's inexplicable.) I moved on to Nancy Drew, Sweet Dreams, Sweet Valley, Judy Blume. Now I read everything I can get my hands on (except that I don't pretend to like profound or complicated intellectual stuff). I remember when I was pregnant I devoured all the childbirth books I could find (not just What to Expect When You're Expecting) bcoz it was the one way I could think of (well, books and our Lamaze classes, that is) to arm myself in what was previously uncharted territory for me.
An ideal afternoon for me is lying on the hammock with a good book, say, the latest from Neil Gaiman, or some easy reading chick lit from Jennifer Weiner or Sophie Kinsella, something from Oprah's Book Club, Harry Potter all over again, or some obscure thing I bought all bcoz it happened to have a nice cover. I love to try out new authors too and derive great pleasure out of seeing my favorite books that nobody else seems to have heard of suddenly turned into big-budget Hollywood films. Last year, there was Reese Witherspoon's Just Like Heaven, which was adapted from If Only It Were True which my sis and I read and loved from way back. Recently I heard that Richard Gere is doing The Bee Season, this heartbreaking novel I read last summer. It's the same satisfaction I felt in high school when I borrowed stuff like Catcher in the Rye and A Separate Peace and Of Mice and Men from the library and my friends started looking at me like I was a weirdo, until our literature teacher gave us our reading list which included the books I've been reading all along. It's like vindication, like my tastes aren't so bad after all, and that maybe I have some culture in me after all.
I'm loyal to my favorite authors so I have shelves upon shelves of books by the same people (Anita Shreve, Anne Tyler, Roald Dahl, Robert Fulghum, Maeve Bincy, Larry Mc Murtry, who would later co-write the Brokeback screenplay). I could spend my entire salary on books, I swear. There's just something about the smell and feel of a new book. And you can always go back to your favorite parts if you feel like crying or cracking up one more time, or you can just read the entire book over and over again. And yet the thing about books is, you don't even have to own them, you can just borrow a fellow bookworm's and the stories can stay with you just the same. It's not like a favorite pair of jeans that you have to own and wear to show off. With a book, you can read it once and bring it with you in your mind and in your heart and re-tell the story to whoever's willing to listen anytime and anywhere.
My great recent reads include a memoir from Claire Fordham, which offers a unique peek into the life of her famous sister Julia from the point of view of an older and crazier sib. I've also just finished another memoir, an amazing one by a girl who was a victim of Munchausen by proxy, this unbelievably awful thing that a parent can do to a child. Over Holy Week I finished The Lovely Bones, as narrated by a dead girl who was raped and murdered by a serial rapist/killer in the neighborhood. It was written by Alice Sebold, who I learned was herself raped while a freshman in college.
I'm looking for a bookmark I once had. It had a great quote from some great philosopher like Demosthenes or something. It says something like, if I have money I buy books, and if there is any left over I buy food and clothes.
i practice idolatry
I am a Fan ...
Well heres a list of my idols, sort of people im trying to emulate their positive traits. Personally attached or not i felt i have been conected with them since I knew them
1. My Father - he is a man of kindness and simplicity ( why i didnt inherit that trait?? ). We were basically poles apart, he is simple im complicated. I speak my mind so loudly that even neighbors can hear - my dad? he everytime just keep mum. I said try to emulate right? hahha, in his kindness, charitable heart and patience - those three i have in abundance. I wont be engaging in a crime if i claim i have those virtues. Go and ask my two adorable niece :
3. Piolo Pascual - well when i was still young and uncertain
4. OG Mandino - for life's greatest lesson
5. Paulo Coelho - undoubtedly the best author
6. Rosa - for her blog
7. Ehead, PNE, Vertical Horizon, Barry Manilow, Gary V, Martin N, Rey Valera
8. Chiz Escudero - when he was starting on politics and unstained :(
9. Lee Kwan Yew - of his simplicity, prudence and wit
10. Miriam D. Santiago - for her total absence of Simplicity
11. Father Gerry Orbos - his talent to share the Gospel of God in the simplest and most intertaining way
12. Bob Ong - for knowing and defining what a true ordinary Filipino .
4. OG Mandino - for life's greatest lesson
5. Paulo Coelho - undoubtedly the best author
6. Rosa - for her blog
7. Ehead, PNE, Vertical Horizon, Barry Manilow, Gary V, Martin N, Rey Valera
8. Chiz Escudero - when he was starting on politics and unstained :(
9. Lee Kwan Yew - of his simplicity, prudence and wit
10. Miriam D. Santiago - for her total absence of Simplicity
11. Father Gerry Orbos - his talent to share the Gospel of God in the simplest and most intertaining way
12. Bob Ong - for knowing and defining what a true ordinary Filipino .
ten steps to getting over that effing depression you couldn't shake off
1. complain, then go to mass. make a deal with god (yes, that's biblical. i learned that somewhere) that if he gives you peace, you'll stay single for a while (not like that will be relevant to him, but hey, if it works...)
2. go to sleep early (to avoid crying your eyes out again).
3. wake up early -- apparently for no reason except cause you slept early. then decide NOT to go to work. that's always a sure way of making you smile.
4. spend the day in bed with a book. alternate between reading and sleeping. concentrate on avoiding any form of work or studying in general.
5. sleep early (cause you woke up early, remember?)
6. wake up at ten, read messages on phone, smile over the fact that a friend is asking for a get-together that HE WILL PAY FOR, call (because he doesn't have a cellphone) a guy you dated way way before and actually ended up being friends with and ask if he wants to come. while doing that, sort of incorporate in the conversation that you will be going to a children's party and would he want to come too?
7. if free get-together doesn't push through, still go to birthday party with guy you dated before and actually ended up being friends with. now this will be strategic because what does one actually do in a birthday party where the only people she knows are the parents of the kid and no one else.
8. proceed on to spend the next 26 and a half hours (yes, that's more than one day) with the guy you formerly dated and actually ended up being friends with. enjoy Ü
10. since you're always the responsible person who books most of your friends affairs, be part of her spa trip by calling the spa for her, booking her for treatments, and joining them for their treatments. make sure she pays for aromatherapy head and shoulder massage and peppermint foot scrub.
now, the possibility of all of these things happening all in the same weekend is next to impossible but that's what happened to my weekend and these are the reasons why somehow i am able to say that happy days are here again. isn't life lovely?
2. go to sleep early (to avoid crying your eyes out again).
3. wake up early -- apparently for no reason except cause you slept early. then decide NOT to go to work. that's always a sure way of making you smile.
4. spend the day in bed with a book. alternate between reading and sleeping. concentrate on avoiding any form of work or studying in general.
5. sleep early (cause you woke up early, remember?)
6. wake up at ten, read messages on phone, smile over the fact that a friend is asking for a get-together that HE WILL PAY FOR, call (because he doesn't have a cellphone) a guy you dated way way before and actually ended up being friends with and ask if he wants to come. while doing that, sort of incorporate in the conversation that you will be going to a children's party and would he want to come too?
7. if free get-together doesn't push through, still go to birthday party with guy you dated before and actually ended up being friends with. now this will be strategic because what does one actually do in a birthday party where the only people she knows are the parents of the kid and no one else.
8. proceed on to spend the next 26 and a half hours (yes, that's more than one day) with the guy you formerly dated and actually ended up being friends with. enjoy Ü
10. since you're always the responsible person who books most of your friends affairs, be part of her spa trip by calling the spa for her, booking her for treatments, and joining them for their treatments. make sure she pays for aromatherapy head and shoulder massage and peppermint foot scrub.
now, the possibility of all of these things happening all in the same weekend is next to impossible but that's what happened to my weekend and these are the reasons why somehow i am able to say that happy days are here again. isn't life lovely?
The Quitter
All of us have given up at some point in our lives, either on something or on someone. And sometimes, no matter how long it has been since we did it, the thought of quitting still haunts us. Am I a weak person when I decided to just get up and leave? Does giving up say something about my abilities as a person? More importantly, does leaving make me a quitter?
I think about these things today because I saw a friend this week and I was reminded of my decision to call it quits a relationship that everyone sees as perfect. I had my reasons for leaving which I won’t state anymore in view of the personalities involved. Suffice it to state that my decision to leave(probably a suicide), but it was a risk I took nonetheless because it felt like it was the right thing to do. I was prepared from day one to stand by my decision. I was also prepared for whatever reaction my my family, his family and our circle of friends would have. I told myself that whatever his reaction would be is something that he’s entitled to. I comforted myself with the thought that whatever opinion he may have of me should not matter because he doesn’t define me anyway.
I know that I’ve been judged because of my decision to leave him. That wasn’t the first time it happened. I’ve been called a quitter by a friend who invited me to her sorority and I decided to quit after two weeks because I didn’t see the point of joining one. I’ve been called a quitter by the chief legal counsel of a company I worked for when I told them I don't like to work at Germany anymore after only three months because I did not like the working conditions. She said I wouldn’t go far in life because I didn’t know what I wanted with my career. I told her, “With due respect, Ma’am, I’m 27 years old. It’s perfectly fine if I’m still trying to figure out what I want.” She called me back to her office two weeks later (while I was serving again with the Head Office in Singapore) to inform me that she was also leaving. She explained that her outburst was borne out of frustration. Then she apologized and wished me well.
My forever best boss, in his defense, did not call me a quitter. He did say, however, that he was disappointed that I chose not to honor my commitment, and the guy's love. I give him that. But what I wanted to explain, which I never did, was that there are vey few positive things about myself that I can claim without reservations, and having a deep sense of commitment is one. So my decision was not about my sense of commitment but about me knowing exactly what I’m willing to sacrifice and put up with in my personal life. I did not broke up because I wanted to turn my back on my commitments. I left the relationship because at 34, I already know what I want, and that doesn’t have anything to do at all with my sense of commitment.
But as I’ve said, I won’t dispute how he feels. Nothing personal about that, I guess. And the opinion of someone who doesn’t know me on a deep personal level doesn’t affect me as much.
I’m now in a relationship that brings out the best in me. If only for this, I’m convinced that I made the right decision. My current relationship, no matter how unspontaneous, gives me a sense of fulfillment and has brought back my sense of wonder. It’s a crazy love affair, but it’s the kind of craziness that I am willing to put up with. And thinking about all the major adjustments I had to make the past two months in this relationship and how I manage to hold on affirms my thinking that no, I am not a quitter. I just happen to know what I want. And if in other people’s book, there’s anything wrong with that, then I guess I’m on the wrong page. I can live with that.
I think about these things today because I saw a friend this week and I was reminded of my decision to call it quits a relationship that everyone sees as perfect. I had my reasons for leaving which I won’t state anymore in view of the personalities involved. Suffice it to state that my decision to leave(probably a suicide), but it was a risk I took nonetheless because it felt like it was the right thing to do. I was prepared from day one to stand by my decision. I was also prepared for whatever reaction my my family, his family and our circle of friends would have. I told myself that whatever his reaction would be is something that he’s entitled to. I comforted myself with the thought that whatever opinion he may have of me should not matter because he doesn’t define me anyway.
I know that I’ve been judged because of my decision to leave him. That wasn’t the first time it happened. I’ve been called a quitter by a friend who invited me to her sorority and I decided to quit after two weeks because I didn’t see the point of joining one. I’ve been called a quitter by the chief legal counsel of a company I worked for when I told them I don't like to work at Germany anymore after only three months because I did not like the working conditions. She said I wouldn’t go far in life because I didn’t know what I wanted with my career. I told her, “With due respect, Ma’am, I’m 27 years old. It’s perfectly fine if I’m still trying to figure out what I want.” She called me back to her office two weeks later (while I was serving again with the Head Office in Singapore) to inform me that she was also leaving. She explained that her outburst was borne out of frustration. Then she apologized and wished me well.
My forever best boss, in his defense, did not call me a quitter. He did say, however, that he was disappointed that I chose not to honor my commitment, and the guy's love. I give him that. But what I wanted to explain, which I never did, was that there are vey few positive things about myself that I can claim without reservations, and having a deep sense of commitment is one. So my decision was not about my sense of commitment but about me knowing exactly what I’m willing to sacrifice and put up with in my personal life. I did not broke up because I wanted to turn my back on my commitments. I left the relationship because at 34, I already know what I want, and that doesn’t have anything to do at all with my sense of commitment.
But as I’ve said, I won’t dispute how he feels. Nothing personal about that, I guess. And the opinion of someone who doesn’t know me on a deep personal level doesn’t affect me as much.
I’m now in a relationship that brings out the best in me. If only for this, I’m convinced that I made the right decision. My current relationship, no matter how unspontaneous, gives me a sense of fulfillment and has brought back my sense of wonder. It’s a crazy love affair, but it’s the kind of craziness that I am willing to put up with. And thinking about all the major adjustments I had to make the past two months in this relationship and how I manage to hold on affirms my thinking that no, I am not a quitter. I just happen to know what I want. And if in other people’s book, there’s anything wrong with that, then I guess I’m on the wrong page. I can live with that.
10 May 2015
Dementia
Those two have to go together: you might want to catch the film but don't have the time, or you might have all the time but have zero desire to watch. I did want to see Hustisya at this year's Cinemalaya but gave that up in favor of the smaller films, bcoz I figured a Nora Aunor/Joel Lamangan movie has got to be picked up for a commercial run even after the limited Cinemalaya one-week showing, whereas that lone week was likely my only chance of ever seeing the lesser-known entries.
Well, Hustisya has not been shown elsewhere locally after Cinemalaya, so too bad for me. I was thus excited when I heard about Dementia. Not only did it star Nora Aunor, it is also 1. set in Batanes and 2. is the first film of Perci Intalan. Batanes is Number 1 in my travel bucket list for the Philippines. Perci Intalan got married to Jun Lana in Central Park, New York (I guess bcoz same-sex marriages will never be allowed in our country in our lifetime). Jun Lana is only the man/gay person behind Bwakaw and Barber's Tales, only two of my favorite indies of all time.
It did not disappoint. Batanes is probably the most beauteous place in the entire country. It boasts of two lighthouses, too. (Yes, it had me at the first lighthouse.) I'm glad the movie showed all the good parts of Batanes, so that at least foreigners who see it in international film festivals will realize there is more to the Philippines than the slums which are the usual setting for our indie films.
It's not the best local horror film I've seen (I personally think Ouija and The Road are far creepier), but I appreciate that it's intelligent. It's the kind of slow, quiet film where you have think on your own feet bcoz not everything is spelled out for you. Also, the little girl who played Nora's character was dark-skinned, as is Althea Vega as the middle-aged Nora. Jasmine Curtis' mother is Bing Loyzaga, and they are both mestizas. At least there's an effort to be consistent and believable, unlike in most other movies or shows where someone cute but not altogether exquisite like Ryzza Mae will suddenly grow up to be the beautiful Angel Locsin. Aaargh. I hate when they do that. It's just so friggin insulting.
Nora Aunor is, of course, the heart and soul of the movie. As she plays an aging woman who's slowly losing her grip on reality, she hardly has any lines. Her eyes have to express all her thoughts and emotions - and my, do they ever nail it. Watching her is like seeing Vilma Santos in Ekstra last year - they are such good actors and have this great, luminous presence on the screen that you tend to fixate only on them, everyone and everything else around them become merely scenery.
03 February 2015
Juju Pants
last friday, i bought a pair of cheap jeans. you see, last january, i promised myself i'd lose a lot of weight and that i'd buy clothes once i've lost everything i've set out to lose. well, i lost some, and then i stopped watching what i ate and exercising, so i gained back some of what i've lost. and i'm miserable not buying, especially since my jeans have all but faded in the wash. and you do know how everyone seems to be wearing dark rinse, so i decided to be kind myself and bought me a pair of jeans. but only the cheap kind - i still intend to lose a lot of weight, i just don't intend to wear old, worn-out jeans till then.
but this post isn't just about jeans, it's about the memories of cheap jeans - what my jewel a.k.a. atty. hazel and i used to call juju jeans - and all those times i spent shopping with her back with WU years. you see, when i was younger, i didn't have a lot of friends. i probably had a good friend or two from my class and spent all of my free time with atty. hazel and malk and chio (and my sisters, but that's a different issue altogether, haha!).
of course as with all friendship, we had our major issues, and there were times that i couldn't wait to go back home to "escape" them. i suppose i wasn't too happy with her either -she had a boyfriend real early, dated the most inappropriate boys (and men --we were horrible at picking them, i tell you), and got three quatros on her second semester in UB. and while she discouraged one of our dearest benefeciaries *in our tuloy foundation) from taking up education when the latter finally went to college and hated the fact that her grandfather was a lawyer (she felt they were poor growing up cause he never made much as a lawyer), irony of ironies was the fact that she took up education in UB in preparation for law. and while she did "succeed" in discouraging me from going to with WU right after graduation,she eventually follow me, albeit two years later.
still, i'd like to believe that my college self was correct - she is my best friend. so what if she hates north park (which i love) and thinks my curtains are cheap? she was the one who taught me how to ride a bike without training wheels, inspired me to be an amazing driver like her, and made sure that i was first in line for the entrance test even if my last name starts with the letter "c". to this day,she still buys random things with flowers simply because i love flowers on things, and faithfully saved in a box where i can claim once i go to her pad. her budget is overstretched from the present loot at Cath K online sale and last months trip to 3 continents. i may not look like her in terms of waist size or of being an attorney, but i look at my toenails and im affirmed that i am her bes friend through and through.
Facebook Statuses
What hurt us will heal us. Life sometimes can be very hard on us,,,but at the same time..it will teach us a great deal.
“Minsan, kailangang ituro ng mundo sa’yo ang tama sa paraang masasaktan ka para matandaan mo.” ---BobOng
03.10.09 God Definitely has His own reasons.
13.11.09 I am not where I need to be...but thank God I'm not where I used to be.
29.12.09 Life doesn't stop at heartaches and defeats...i know now how to better choose...from the real ones over the "trying-to-be-ones"
21.04.10....sa isang kisapmata....wala na :(
17.10.10 id rather choose a "you and me against the world" situation than fighting for someone who doesnt care the battle. when you are too much in pain...numbness prevail.
“Minsan, kailangang ituro ng mundo sa’yo ang tama sa paraang masasaktan ka para matandaan mo.” ---BobOng
03.10.09 God Definitely has His own reasons.
13.11.09 I am not where I need to be...but thank God I'm not where I used to be.
29.12.09 Life doesn't stop at heartaches and defeats...i know now how to better choose...from the real ones over the "trying-to-be-ones"
21.04.10....sa isang kisapmata....wala na :(
17.10.10 id rather choose a "you and me against the world" situation than fighting for someone who doesnt care the battle. when you are too much in pain...numbness prevail.
Reflection : From A Stranger's Question
Am I nice? Depends on who you ask. If you ask some family members and relatives and people I fired, they'll tell you I'm not nice at all.
I think I'm nicer now. The separation had that effect. You see, if you asked me that question (and with how you actually asked it but I won't post here) a few years ago, I'd tell you off and not very nicely. But I'm mellower now, more patient, nicer... So I decided to have fun and answer your question.
Nice is a word that I'll never use to describe myself. Nice conjures images of simple, sweet girls who smile and obey and not ruffle feathers. Is that the image of me that you see here??? I must be doing something wrong haha. If you actually read the blog, you'll see that I'm not... nice.
But I have a good heart. I am fair and I am just. I will always right a wrong. I will help. I will give. But I tend to have a big mouth and a fiery temper. I will help but if I think you need help because you're an idiot, I will tell you you're an idiot while helping you. I lash out when I'm angry or upset over an injustice. I can't keep quiet and I can't be cool. I have hurt many people with my words and I don't apologize for what I say because I only say things that I mean. That's why I can't possibly be a nice girl.
Still, it's kinda cute people think I'm nice. It's sweet. Maybe there's hope for me yet.
I think I'm nicer now. The separation had that effect. You see, if you asked me that question (and with how you actually asked it but I won't post here) a few years ago, I'd tell you off and not very nicely. But I'm mellower now, more patient, nicer... So I decided to have fun and answer your question.
Nice is a word that I'll never use to describe myself. Nice conjures images of simple, sweet girls who smile and obey and not ruffle feathers. Is that the image of me that you see here??? I must be doing something wrong haha. If you actually read the blog, you'll see that I'm not... nice.
But I have a good heart. I am fair and I am just. I will always right a wrong. I will help. I will give. But I tend to have a big mouth and a fiery temper. I will help but if I think you need help because you're an idiot, I will tell you you're an idiot while helping you. I lash out when I'm angry or upset over an injustice. I can't keep quiet and I can't be cool. I have hurt many people with my words and I don't apologize for what I say because I only say things that I mean. That's why I can't possibly be a nice girl.
Still, it's kinda cute people think I'm nice. It's sweet. Maybe there's hope for me yet.
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