Evidence

there's substantial evidence. 

there's also preponderance of evidence. 

and there's evidence beyond reasonable doubt. 

fb messages that have 33 "***"s in them (my favorite friend REALLY counted them one by one) and a "mishu" at the end, or those that tells you how excited he is to take this "journey" with you. phone calls once in a while to hear your voice. 

that's substantial evidence, or "such relevant evidence as a reasonable mind might accept as adequate to support a conclusion." 

if he brings home pasalubong. if he calls a little bit more. if we have more amazing conversations deep into the night. if i find myself trusting him with my secrets. 

that'll be preponderance of evidence, or "evidence of greater weight or more convincing than the opposing evidence; evidence more credible and convincing, more reasonable and probable, and can be circumstantial in nature." 

one of these days i'll be sure. and that day, we'll hopefully be together. cause i'd have found evidence beyond reasonable doubt that the r's the one. 

Separate Lives

when i think about how things happened all over again, there's a huge part of me that wishes i'd been more circumspect. i guess it's the romantic in me, thinking that him finding me all of these years was some great cosmic act. i also guess it's the optimist in me, believing that people can change themselves. after all, it's been years, and a year can do a lot to change a person.

i should've known better.

as with the person i fell in love with in after college, he was sweet, caring, and attentive. it was everything i've always wanted in a partner. he cared for me like i was his princess and gave me all the love he could give. he was always present. he was perennially concerned about me - where was i? how was i? am i home already? how was my day? how was work? what time would i leave the office?

the first time he stumbled back into his old ways, i tried brushing it aside. he "researched" on me by misleading an officemate into thinking i was applying for a job in their company. said former officemate then called up the university and started asking questions about me. i guess i should be thankful that the person who answered was my friend, and that she knew better by calling me and confirming whether or not i was actually applying for a job. i confronted him about it and said, maybe said officemate made a mistake and misunderstood what i asked her. he went on further, maybe said officemate just wanted to make a nice impression and thought of taking it upon herself to research about you.

stupidly, i said, okay, but don't do it again.

a month or so later, i found out he had been reading my phone's messages. and apparently, he texted a friend, pretending to be a girl from community who wanted to hook up. again, i was blessed to have a friend smart enough to confirm with me what that was all about.

at this point, everyone in my immediate circle wanted him out of my life. they kept asking, how could you trust him now?

maybe the slight desperation with which he held on to what we had reminded me a little of how difficult it was to move on after the other person has moved on without you. maybe i saw a little of myself in him. maybe i didn't want to hurt as i've been hurt in the past.

and so i stayed. i stayed in spite of the warnings, in spite of the feeling that no one wanted to listen when we had problems anymore, in spite of being unhappy in the situation i was in.

the final straw came when my friend saw his name in a comment he made on FB. she asked, is this the same guy from way back? and, in a second email, sent minutes after the first one, she innocently asked - shouldn't you need police protection from this person? (oh, polce protection from a poiliceman?)

it was then that everything became very clear.

this was the person who threatened to make the rest of my after college life miserable after we broke up for a while

this was the person who would ring my phone and stay there without saying anything until i hung up.

and the questions that i ignored, i suddenly asked.

for the past two weeks, he's been lashing out on me. he'd swing from being mean - calling me names and all that - to apologizing profusely saying he's just lonely. he'd also accuse me of things he thought i did, or say i don't treat him the way i treat my other friends, or claiming i toyed with his emotions. and whenever i'd take time to point out what went wrong, he'd say it was all my fault.

memories are short. and when you forget things, you pay for them dearly.

i should never have forgotten that we broke up for a reason. we didn't break up cause we fell out of love.

we broke up cause he was going crazy on me.

Grew Apart

The season had brought me into nostalgic mode. same time few years, our whole family was ferried from manila to Batangas. it was an awesome experience seeing them bond together. this year though, i appreciate the  peace and blissful life that im enjoying. yes, we really can't have everything in life.

Then i realized how lucky i still am. for having family and friends who looked after me and clara  to perfection. they are the reasons that i got by from all the mishaps that cross path.

But honestly, i miss the friendship "r" and i had. i would remember, me always telling him that when things goes wrong i hope we keep the friendship, because it is what we both value and enjoyed together. more than the iloveyou's and kisses, the laughter and the concern counts more.

Sadly, expectedly, things has to end. you need superpowers to carry all of the pain that goes with it.

Today's A Really Good Day To Die

Remember the line? four medical students who perform an experiment to figure out what happens when you die. right before one of the characters subjected himself to the experiment, he takes a glance around the room and says it, as if confirming that should he die that day, he'd be ok.

Yesterday, i had one of those days:

Good morning chat with nothing but happy thoughts ... fun and almost traffic-free ride to work ... breakfast buffet with my wednesday buddy at heritage ... bonding with my boss over oatmeal cookies ... lovely lunch where we stuffed ourselves silly with food  ... impromptu shopping trip where i was able to convince my otherwise non-kikay neighbor to buy not one, not two, but three new pairs of shoes (all she had planned on buying was a new pair of shoes for a wedding) ... buying my nth pair of white ballet flats (you can never have too many shoes!) ... almost finishing drafting my decision, and not caring that i actually wasn't able to finish it ... finally opening a passbook savings account (YAY! i'm beginning to save money again!) ... peppermint mocha frappuccino ... supreme boy vs. star boy ... dinner party for jorgia: sugpo, lasagna, lechon, lechon baka, lengua, blue marlin, lumpia, california maki (i ate as much as my pants would allow me!) ... chatting with one of my favorite ex-students (who happens to be the daughter of my ex boss) ... having quality out-of-the-office time with my officemates (and loving it!) ... easy ride  back to my  house.