Whin

no pictures, yet.
no inspiring/funny/cute/happy/love-filled posts, yet.
no lengthy discourses on the meaning of life, yet.

i've been stuck in my cubicle/office since thursday evening churning page after page after page of almost-bulls**t that should pass as a mind-shattering, earth-shaking deadline for Annual Report  next friday.

my calorie intake has been limited to those that come from hershey's mint chocolate kisses and blue skies. my lovelife has been limited to text messages that contain "argh!" and "i luv u!" and nothing more.

come back in a day or two. by then i would've cleaned up, be sweet-smelling and pretty again, and this blog will be full of funny witticisms.

but until then, get on your knees and pray for me. it's going to be a tough one this time around.

Same Time Last Year

i surprised myself last Saturday when i realized that i didn't even notice June 14 passed. it came to me that i had gone through another June 14, but this time without much brouhaha. it could be because i'm under extreme pressure. it could be cause i just haven't thought about it for a while.

but hopefully, i wish it were cause i am finally able to say i'm over him.

See, it would've been our seventh year together.  we could be probably more bonded than two people could be, finish each other's sentences and know each other's needs without the other having to say so. we'd know little important things about each other, how he's forever hunting for irish spring sport and how i don't drink hot coffee at all.

and last year, in spite of the fact that i was happily in love, or so i thought, with someone, in spite of the fact that i felt i had finally found someone who could've matched the love he used to give me, i felt my heart breaking into tiny pieces when june 14 rolled around.

i guess you're never really over someone until one day you just realized that, hey, it's been a while. and when that day finally comes, you breathe a sigh of relief. you've waited for this day to come, prayed about it, did everything you can short of getting a concussion to jolt that memory off your mind's instant replay. you try to ignore favorite restaurants and significant places. you avoid clothes that were once your favorite simply because he liked them too.

and you pretend. you pretend, not only to yourself but to the world, that everything is fine. and one day, you wake up, and realize you haven't pretended for a while.

you've moved on.

and THAT is the greatest feeling in the whole wide world.

----on a different note


when a relationship ends, you usually discard everything associated with it: you throw away old love letters, you clear your phone's inbox, you delete lovey-dovey e-mails, you give away gifts.

and you avoid certain places like the plague. and when it closes down, like aresi did, you feel a certain validation of sorts. OUR relationship ended, so OUR place should close down too.

but when the relationship is still is at its peak, and YOUR place closes down does it mean anything? is it an omen of things to come?

i hope not.

----the lucky girl that i am :))

Wag Ka Nang Umiyak

Love is patient,love is kind.It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonored others, it is not self-seeking,it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth . It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 CORINTHIANS 13:4-7

...a song from malk



...Wag ka nang umiyak, sa mundong pabago-bago
pag-ibig ko ay totoo
ako ang iyong bangka, kung magalit man
ang alon, ng panahon, sabay tayong aahon

i realized, how ultimately intelligent God is....because he had sent me shields way ahead before the storm had to pass. and yes, all the things (majorly good) are given to me without cost. thank you my friend for being there through it all, the good and the bad times, well specially the bad, the really really bad times. thanks for reminding me that i am a fighter and nothing is wrong in being bruised and wounded. thanks for reminding me that life is life, and the only way to live it is to love without boundaries, but while the love is boundless - the future is not sure. so i must be strong to let go of people and places and things that had to go.... for a better tomorrow, for a better future.

Kung wala ka nang maintindihan
Kung wala ka nang makapitan
Kapit ka sa akin, kapit ka sa akin
Di kita bibitawan

your promises have been proved many many times to be true. it was true when Chio died. that time when i was super devastated thinking i abandoned a good friend over a duty. you were the only person who knew what i was going through those dark days. when im confused as to stay here and build a career or go with you at Milan and earn dollars. it was you who said, i dont need to come, and that you wont give a bad name to the friendship despite the distance. you were my no 1 fan. you were my brother. you were the best listener. you were my spoiler.

Wag kang umiyak, mahaba man ang araw
uuwi ka sa yakap ko
wag mo nang damdamin kung wala ako sayong tabi
iiwan kong puso ko sa yo
at kung pakiramdam mo’y wala ka nang kakampi
isipin mo ako dahil puso’t isip ko’y
nasa yong tabi

not a bit did i felt being abandoned by you. i always felt love. i am loved.

…di kita pababayaan

i know. it was true then. it will be true forever.

Kapit ka, kumapit ka
(para sa buhay ng buhay ko)

Grief As a Curious Thing.

It is Summer.

Nine years is a long time. If I had given birth when he'd died, I'd be mommy to a adolescent  now. If I had been a freshman, I'd be graduate school now . Most of the time, nine years feel like a long time and that terrible day is just shadows and whispers. Some days, nine years fall away and that terrible day is suddenly so very now.

Grief is a curious thing. You never truly understand it until it happens to you. And when it does, it is something you will never wish on anyone, not even your worst enemy.

It isn't your regular broken heart, which is insanely painful. But you get over a broken heart, believe it or not. And I do believe a broken heart is a good thing, a beautiful thing, because broken hearts are split open, allowing more love and understanding and compassion to come in, and the heart becomes bigger and stronger as it heals. (im a believer of this now)

The grieving heart is also a broken heart but the heart that has lost someone to death, it never heals completely. You think it does, you think you're done, then one day, the strains of Moon River, a whiff of CK Euphoria, a scene from Dolphy's movies, the facade of Megamall A before that new parking building was (mercifully) built in front of it... A little thing, a big thing, they always sneak up on you and BOOM! You unravel.

One cruel day, I was walking along happily from the supermarket on my way home to the loves of my life, when across the street, I saw a man who looked and walked like Chio. Before I knew it, I had crossed the street, running, dodging cars, calling, "Chio! Chio!" even as my brain screamed, "He's dead! He's dead!"

The man turned. Of course he wasn't Chio. And I laughed, my hand on my suddenly hollow chest. "Sorry! I'm sorry, you look like my friend."

And he smiled, "Oh! Tell him I think he's handsome!"

And I laughed again, a little too breathlessly, "I will. I will tell him."

But I don't. I can't.

pictures

clara on the wheels :P

wif my pamangkins

a love-hate relationship

site visit

yeah...a room in progress

what is summer without biking

nail fetishes

summer is uncombed hair, red polished nials, short-shorts and teen-y pillows

its the air outside 

Wednesday Thoughts

♥ when the box arrived, along came a giant tub with 300 pieces of king leo peppermints. now, while i'm a fan of anything mint chocolate, i've never really been a fan of mint candies (think stork ...) ... until these came along. they're "soft" candies, meaning you can easily bit into them, also meaning you get to consume humongous amounts of these mints in a very, very short time. i've left a 100 pieces with tita mayu and she's equally addicted to them. i'd hate to think what'll happen when i run out of these yummy candies. SUPER THANKS MR. LIN :))

♥ i've been following decor8's links to a whole lot of other interior design sites and i'm particularly enamored by all the various places where these links have led me too. *sigh* there are bazillions of creative people out there, working from their homes, selling stuff online, and i can't help but be in awe of what they can do. . i am especially impressed by little brown pen's photographs, how bright all the colors are, without looking cartoony. i wish i could take pictures half as beautiful.

♥ time has come for me to pay my share of the KL tickets + hotel room we booked using a friend's credit card. i'm excited over that trip, but after i pay for that, and after i set aside money for vietnam expenses (boo to travel tax + terminal fees, and yay to shopping money, and wondering still how much hotels will cost us), i am wondering how to raise money for KL shopping!!!

♥ that said, i really must kill all mini shopping spree splurges. if i set aside money last year to buy a work wardrobe, this year, i think most of my money will go towards traveling. i must admit traveling is infinitely much more exciting than shopping, then again, i might be kidding myself cause traveling simply means that i have to ride a plane to do my shopping -- which is sort of what happened to me in Hong Kong. let's just say i am so glad i don't have a credit card.

♥ since i need moolah, i really must find a way to accept that sideline and pray, pray, pray to the high heavens that i get a lot of students so that my salary will be much bigger than usual. i get paid depending on the number of students. but before i pray for that, i must get my schedule fixed ... so far, no solution yet. boo.

♥ going to cabanatuan for the weekend ... a friend is going to her friend's wedding

♥ going to dapitan on monday, a holiday. i just hope that (1) it doesn't rain and (2) i am able to restrain myself from buying a whole lot of kitschy stuff. you see, i like kitschy.
☺ i was once perceived as a happy sunshiny person. somehow, that changed because of hormone injections. one day, i shall be happy and sunshiny once more. all i need is a change of environment.

♥ text messages (or requests for phone conversations) in the middle of the night are never good. however, since my best friend's call for help (which still resulted in the unwanted even if i did my absolute best to comfort him at that time), i am unable to resist "helping" in whatever way i can. who knows if the next call (or text) from that number will be from a next of kin telling you something you never expect to hear in your lifetime?
☺ sleeping is my greatest luxury. that said, it was weird how when i was young, i told my grandmother that once i become an adult, i will never ever sleep again. truly, youth is wasted on the young. (teka, parang mali yung application nung quote. hahaha)

♥ in the same manner, i hated accompanying my mom to the homeworld area of any department store when i was younger. i couldn't understand the fascination with plates, glasses, containers, and what-nots. guess where i hang out now?
☺ i am in love with houses with more "living spaces" than bedrooms. that said, my house has bedrooms and minimal "living spaces". 

♥ the grand plan to move to ilocos is still festering in my mind. unfortunately, i have yet to take a step to make that into reality. i haven't even prayed for it yet. boo. 

♥ if i were plagued with a life-threatening illness and there was almost zero chance of survival, i will eat bacon three times a day (and more if possible) to comfort me and to ensure that the remaining days of my life will be happy.


♥ happy wednesday everyone. much love!