Embracing the S Box

i am sure, that in our collective lives, we've filled out forms and have been forced to categorize one's self in a box meant to represent either a choice, one's status, or opinion about something. and to me, person who loves filling out all types of forms with a misplaced sense of giddiness, there's a thrill (or dread, as in the case of age) when one "moves" from one category to another.

income, for one, has been a sore spot in my life. so moving another tier up, that was a biggie! and age, sigh, if only i can still celebrat feb 26 without gaining a year ... turning 31 means that i will be moving from the 25 - 30 range to one that is <--this--> close to 40. in the words of the characters in the archie comic book series (shucks, yet another affirmation of my "aged" status), EGAD!

but while i've moved from one category or another, there's one box that i can't seem to escape (even the religion boxes i've moved from "others" to "roman catholic"!) -- the "S" box. it comes just after you declare your age, an accusation of sorts, similar to relatives who you see once a year in holiday gatherings who look at you with unmasked pity in their eyes as they ask if you have a boyfriend or you've plans to get married and you reply with a "no". i'm a girl, so they'd remind me about my dwindling chances of being able to find one, as if marrying were as easy and uncomplicated as buying coke from the corner sari-sari store.

growing up, "old maids" were few and far in between. everyone gets married, sooner or later. some even get married twice (and no, no one died, and no one's muslim so you get the picture, right?). lola peng, my mom's aunt, and lola nanay, my paternal grandmother's best friend, were novelties, generous grand-aunts who'd adopt us as their own grandchildren, their gifts a happy addition to those expected from grandparents. none of us even deigned to imagine we'd end up like them, after all, wasn't finding the ONE, getting married, and having kids part of the series that begins with go to school and get a job?

maybe my mom was right when she made an offhand comment to me in high school. by then, the martha stewart gene had kicked in and i turned into that kind of person who prepared  baons for road trips, something my mom never did (she never espoused eating in the car). and then, when i decided to take up accounting in  college, she noted that my course choice would definitely be another nail in the "single" coffin. i, her youngest daughter, was most likely going to grow old alone.

funnily enough, my mom's prophetic words should not have had any basis then - i dated behind my parents' back, and when i actually could date, i did, and had boyfriend. once, vanessa wrote a draft screenplay loosely based on my relationships and her mentor commented that art should at least imitate life and vanessa's story of my life was certainly more art than anything. i wanted to send a note - life is more complex than any of the things people could come up with; mine certainly was.

when i broke up with the last person i actually consider my pseudo-boyfriend, i made a pledge not to date until i passed the board. i've been a cpa for ten and a half years already ... my status has yet to change. it's as if i've reached my quota of possible beaus after the dating spree in my twenties. sometimes i try to imagine myself ending up with any of the boys i dated, as well as the boys who tried to date me, and save for a guy who i turned down and eventually became my best friend (hellow here malkiel aka ches hehehe), i actually can't imagine spending the rest of my life with any of them.

on the wall of my bathroom, right beside the mirror, there's a post-it that reads, "i'd rather be single that be married to the wrong man." ironically, a boy i dated, after using the bathroom, plucked the post-it from the wall and kept it in his wallet, claiming that it will be a constant reminder to him to be the right man. i put a replacement up (actually immediately after he stole the original post-it from the wall) ... this wasn't something that was going to be negotiable for me.

when i acknowledged that marriage isn't something that happens with the mere passing of time, when i accepted that i didn't really want any of the boys i dated, when i realized that life is infinitely more complicated than any of the plots of a sweet dreams book, when I finally accepted that "j" is the yardstick and measurement of "The One" that's when i had finally embraced the S box.

Looking Back and Moving Forward

If I were the glass-half-empty kinda person (and to be very honest, I actually am), I'd look back at 2012 and think, "What a bad year." I had a delicate pregnancy and lost the baby , I had been into a real life drama involving lies and persecution, I had a hard time juggling work and motherhood, and I had to adjust to living into a third world country again.

But 2012 was actually pretty fantastic. Incredible! My life got better, I dismissed the relationshipand learned such good lessons from that experience that the life I have now are beyond great, God sent people to me who are now my friends, my second life dream—to be a lawyer—is in the process of coming true,Clara  continued to grow more amazing, and sweet darling cutie pie Jeshrun will soon see the light. 

My life is full. Too full, in fact. So for 2013, I'm decluttering, discarding, simplifying. And that will apply to all—stuff, processes, relationships.

Simplifying doesn't mean living on one pair of shoes. But it certainly means 30 pairs is a lot, especially if I use just 3 pairs! Same applies to my bags and clothes. I've started unloading stuff actually. Gave away around 50 dresses and a few shoes to my sister and niece. They looked great in my clothes! The rest I donated to charity. Already I feel lighter and better!

Simplifying means giving more time to the people and things that matter most. Something I should remember this year since job offers are coming at me left and right. I'm grateful, of course, but I wanted to spend more time with myself! So I had carefully choose what I'll work on and to keep in mind that I wanted a life devoted to my family. It's really helped me make good decisions, by the way!

Simplifying also means cutting off complicated and negative people from my life. That includes Facebook. I won't say anymore but if you're on Facebook, I'm sure you understand the stress! I'm just going to quietly block, unfriend and hide.

So that's my goal this year! I feel better about 2013 already! What is it about this year that makes me so happy? Oh, I know—family, my kids, my friends, our good health and my career! They're all I really need. Simple!

Silly Dream, Serious Realization

Let's take a break from all the number-related stuff I'm doing so I can tell you about this absurd nightmare I had the other morning.

In my dream, I had won Binibining Pilipinas. In my dream, sobrang grabe ang ganda ko, kahit ako napa-wow sa sarili ko. I was perfect. My hair was thick and glossy, my arms and legs smooth and slim, my tummy flat and firm, my teeth straight, my face flawless. I won Bb. Pilipinas-Universe!!!

But curiously, I was dismayed. I hid in an obscure bed and breakfast, I hid for so long that tabloids were splashing ugly stories about me on their front pages. Finally, I went home to my parents' house. Tatay was so happy to see me. MNay was so proud, too. I should have realized at this point that this was a dream. 

Anyway! Tatay was so proud. He said, "Everyone's talking about you! Magandang publicity stunt yung nawala ka ng ilang araw. Magaling ka talaga sa PR, anak!" I didn't respond. I was looking for something, looking here and there.

Tatay kept on talking. "Ang problema na lang natin is paano natin itatago ang mga bata. Syempre, Bb. Pilipinas-Universe ka na. Hindi pwedeng may anak ka!"

And that was when I said, "Tay, asan si Clara? Asan ang mga anak ko?"

"Don't think about her!" Tay said. "One year lang naman ang reign mo so tiisin mo muna sila. Mas importante we prepare you for Miss Universe!"

I started crying. "No, no. I have to see them! I have to see them now. I don't want to be Bb. Pilipinas. Paano ba ako nanalo? Hindi naman ako rumampa??!" LOL dapat, right, but mega-tears ako nito. I was crying so hard as I said, "I'll tell everyone the truth! I'm not a binibini!I'm a mother! I want to see  my kids!"

And they looked at me with anger and disappointment. Tatay said, "Ganyan ka talaga. Selfish! Minsan ka na nga lang nagbigay sa amin ng Mama mo ng reason to be proud of you and so typical of you, uunahin mo na naman ang sarili mo!"

And that was when I woke up. I still thought it was real because the first thing I did was look for my phone to call them. I quickly had the conversation, and that  was when I finally shuddered off my nightmare, that the babies are in the well. I was okay. I was home. I was with the most important people in my life in my most important role.

Silly stupid dream, right? Right. Jewel was laughing throughout my kwento. I was laughing, too, lalo na dun sa part when I said hindi naman ako rumampa. But I found myself conjuring my dream again and again. So even though it was a ridiculous nightmare, it was okay.

You know, it was never my mission in life to please my parents. Neither did I go out of my way to disappoint them, mind. I remember a conversation with mom when I was in my teens. We just had an argument but when we'd calmed down, I told her, "It's not that I'm being disobedient or being difficult or that I want to cause you pain. I just want to live. Whatever that means. Please let me live."

My parents never wanted me to be a anything in particular, never wanted me to have a career. They just wanted me to get married, have kids, serve the Lord. But they did let me be. They disapproved of my college course, Accountancy saying theres no money in it unlike Engineering, but they let me take it. They disapproved of my boyfriends but they treated them all well. They didn't like that "R" and I were getting waaaaaaay too involved but they treated "R" like their son. They didn't understand my career choices but they were happy I seemed to be a success. They didn't like that I got pregnant out of wed but when I finally did become a mother, they —just congratulated me happily.

So I know that maybe I was a disappointment to my parents because I didn't turn out the way they dreamed it when I was born and they dreamed their dreams as they counted my fingers and toes. But I also know that they're fiercely proud of me despite that. I'm grateful they allowed me to be who I am and to live my life the way I wanted. It must have been so difficult for them to see me struggle and fail and not lift a finger to help because I insisted I didn't need help. They allowed me to grow, to be me, and eventually to realize on my own the truths they always knew and tried to teach me.

So my nightmare was absurd because it isn't true. My parents are proud of me, even though I took a different path, even though I was different from them, even though my dreams weren't their dreams. They let go. They let me be. I am forever grateful for their trust.


Trivia: I was a beauty queen in high school. No joke!

MIB

I’ve liked him since the very first time I met him. I’ve had three job interviews (and the one at Baker was even a panel interview), but it was he who asked me The Toughest Job Interview Questions Ever. Stuff like, how do you differentiate the role of external auditor from that of an in-house audit? And, what do you think the Ayala group can learn from the SM group, and vice versa? Duh. Best In Smile moment. I sent him this thought balloon: can you just ask me the usual how-do-you-see-yourself-5-years-from-now kinds of questions bcoz these are what I rehearsed for? Hahaha.

We all love him bcoz he never acted the way you would expect a big boss and not to mention an owner of the company would act. He is constantly kind and warm and you know he’s not faking it when he shows concern and interest in our otherwise unglamorous, dreary existence. He works hard even when he’s in a position where he doesn’t even have to lift a finger, really. He even writes well. I like his choice of words. Some bosses you can charm your way thru and wing it by talking in straight English a mile a minute, which is usually enough to convince them that you actually know what you’re talking about or have any idea what’s going on. He is NOT one of those bosses. (Bad news for slacker/pretentious old me, actually. Haha.) 

He buys Krispy Kremes for our meetings and takes us out to lunch on a regular basis. He took us to Circles. He gave us gifts made by his own girls. He’s sponsoring a weight loss game in our department where the grand prize is an iPod. He’s funny, too, and self-deprecating. I can talk to him about anything when he takes me out to lunch. (Well, almost anything. Haha.) Not a week goes by that he doesn’t ask me how I’m doing and in the middle of my drama last December I replied that I was ‘toxic’. He liked that word, so now it has become like a running joke between us, how toxic I am. Haha. 

He’s hands-on with his kids and super in love with his wife. They have one of the sweetest, real-life love stories I’ve heard: he went to a party at a friend’s house and saw these books on the shelf that really interested him, and it turns out she owned the books, so they got introduced and talked on the same spot for four straight hours. It’s so romantic. It’s so Before Sunrise/Before Sunset kind of thing. 

Last week I sent out this controversial report, and he emailed that he wanted to talk to me about it. My initial reaction was, it’s supposed to be an independent report, leave it alone. (Not that he ever tried to influence it or anything. That’s just how I am – my default reaction is always feisty. Haha.) So then he talks to me about it, and it turns out what he had to say was that I should not hesitate to include him in my report if I had anything to say against him, that he was ‘fair game’ and not above reproach. I so underestimated him, I was ashamed of myself.

I’ve worked with him for only seven months, so I could still change my mind. But for now - I think he has officially dethroned M as My Favorite Boss of All Time. So long, M =)

One Day

You can live your whole life not realizing that what you’re looking for is right in front of you.

That’s what the blurb says. Nick Hornby also says it’s ‘big, absorbing, smart, fantastically readable’. I’m a big Nick Hornby fan. I have three of his books and have read three others.

How can I ever resist? I had to buy it the minute I saw it in Fully Booked.

One Day is the story of Em and Dex, who meet on the night of their college graduation. The book takes you thru what happens to them exactly one year after that. And then the next year. And another. For a grand total of twenty years. Such narrative style is so ingenious. But that’s actually the least of its charms.

The most of its charms consists of its two characters, who are both so funny and crazy and passionate and loyal and endearing. They’re the kind of characters you wish were alive and you could be friends with bcoz you know they will so enrich your dull, colorless life. They argue and fight to no end but you also know they are immensely in love with each other, and not just as friends, too, and that great, big love is simmering just right below the surface and all good to burst any given moment.

The chapters set in Greece and Paris and the one where they get lost in a maze are some of the most kilig moments I’ve ever read. To begin with, I’m a big sucker for stories where friends fall passionately albeit secretly in love with each other. I like to pretend art imitates life and these are the stories of Ches and me, since our own love story started with a friendship. Hahaha.

The story is at turns laugh out loud hilarious and also unbearably sad. I finished all 400+ pages of it in two nights. I couldn't wait to see whether and how they would end up together. It’s perfect in every way. Which is why I’m majorly disturbed about one review which says the feel-good movie must be just around the corner. It breaks my heart when movies mess with books and turn them into something so … commercial.

With a story as perfect as this one, I wanna say: back off, Hollywood.

(So this is my first book of 2013. And my first movie is The Station Agent, this indie about a lonely midget who is obsessed with trains. It’s perfect in the way only indies can ever be truly perfect. I’m so off to a good start =)

Psalm

… harden not your hearts.

Someone tweeted me last night that anytime is the right time to do something right. That reminded me of what a friend told me a couple of months back regarding my unfinished business— that anytime is a good time to finish what you’ve started.

And then I read the psalm for today which says: ”Commit your ways to the Lord; trust in Him and He will act.” (Psalm 37:5)

Now, I must tell you that there are days when I read the psalms and the words seem to leap out of my bible as if to say that they are meant specifically for me. Today is one such day.

So I figured that today is a good day to make plans again; to revisit old goals and feel the rush of excitement once more. And, as my confessor timely texted this morning, to remember and hope again.

I hear You, God. LET’S DO THIS!!!  ;)

The Impostor Syndrome

William Shatner who happens to be one of the coolest actors, IMHO (and I’m referring to Boston Legal because I’m so not a trekkie), was once asked how he became great in his craft. He said that actually, most of the time, he feels like an impostor who doesn’t really know what he’s doing but since whatever he’s been doing has been working for more than 3 decades, then he’s convinced that he must be doing something right.  I felt better when I read that because unknown to many, I, too, suffered from what is clinically known as Impostor Syndrome. Yes, there is such a thing, go ahead and google it.

Impostor syndrome is when you feel that you’re not really good, you’ve just been lucky all your life. I once took an online test to see if I’m afflicted with it, and true to form, I had all the symptoms of this “disease.” As proof, until recently, I used to think that someone from the admissions office of my graduate school committed a mistake in checking my entrance exam (this was before the time of computerized exams), or someone from the Office of the  Confidant mistakenly typed my name as among the bar passers and they couldn’t take it back anymore so they just let it pass. I was convinced for the longest time that the only reason I managed to breeze through graduate school was because I was lucky not to have been called for difficult recitations (it’s tempting to think this way when recitations are dependent on how your professor shuffles your class cards) and the only reason I haven’t had  a major blooper in my profession is that I haven’t been taking too many risks. That, and  of course my firm belief that malakas lang talaga ako kay God.

The downside of having this syndrome is that you always entertain thoughts of being outed by people who are really good. Every assignment feels like The Assignment That Will Expose Me for the Fraud that I Truly Am. Every new colleague is a suspected detective who will reveal to everyone that you have been an impostor all along. And when, by some luck, you survive an assignment without any untoward incident, you simply tell yourself that that’s only because your luck hasn’t run out yet, but nothing has changed and you’re still an impostor who’s only as good as your last assignment.

My well meaning friends often told me that I should disabuse myself of this notion. They assured me that test administrators never commit mistakes that major, and that no impostor could last 30 years pretending to be someone she’s not. I, however,promptly pointed out to them that since they were my friends, they weren’t  in a position to be objective about this matter. Hence, their opinion didn’t count.

So I was really ready to embrace this syndrome and was even willing to join a club if ever there was one, when in one of my prayer times, when I was begging God for wisdom and knowledge to finish my recent assignment without being outed, I was led to ask myself these questions:  Why are you so paralyzed by this syndrome? Why are so afraid?  Does it really matter whether you are good or not? Cannot God use even the simplest people to advance His purpose?

That’s when I realized that  all my life, I’ve been missing the point. It’s never about being good, or being lucky, or even being malakas kay God. It’s about responding to a call. God doesn’t really look at our competence; He looks instead at our intentions. And just like that, it became clear to me that there’s no reason to worry because  I don’t really have to be excellent; I only have to be sincere in my response. So yes, maybe I’m not really an exemplary accountant, and come to think of it, I never claimed to be one. But I know that I had the  sincerest intentions when I decided to be one. And even now, I know that when I do my job, however big or small it is, I do it with the purest intention to give back, to contribute, to make a difference in whatever way I can.

And that was how, at the start of 2013—- a year that’s bound to be professionally challenging for me— I came to overcome the fatal Impostor Syndrome. I did so, not by convincing myself that I’m good, but by realizing that being good is not the point. The point is to be sincere in my motivations. Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. I don’t claim to have a pure heart— I’m many lifetimes away from having one—but at least that’s something I know I’ve been working on for the past 30 years. And with respect to this, only God can out me.

My Year So Far

So I’m really doing this. I’m going beyond my comfort zone and doing things I haven’t tried before. The key, as they say, is not to focus on the result. I think that’s doable. I can be results oriented, but I can be in the moment as well. 

So I’m taking it one day at a time. If by the end of all this, I find myself  loving this kind of activity, then maybe a career shift is inevitable. Maybe 2013 is the year to figure this out once and for all.

______

As expected I got sick right after the holidays. It’s one of those things that always happens year after year. And since it’s the beginning of the year, it coincides with the time when there’s so much work. I’ve gotten used to it, actually. The upside is that it gives me time to step back, reflect and make plans. And 2013 is all about that: Simple yet meaningful plans!  Career Plan A is ongoing, and I’ve started looking for options for Career Plan B. Full disclosure: Plans A and B are recycled plans, so don’t think I’m this grand planner who has everything figured out. The truth is, I’m just plain stubborn, that’s why I haven’t given up on these plans yet. I’m hoping 2013 will be the year I get to see how these plans will unfold.

——

I made a list this morning of the things I’m looking forward to, at least for the first few months of this year: My niece’s baptism, Mama’s 65th birthday, turning 31 (yes, I am looking forward to it), vacationing a lot (at least that’s the plan), holy week at Yangon, Suits Season 3 (Big Fan here), and if things go well, some real development in matters of the heart. (Hashtag: Sabihan ng panaginip!)

_____

So 2013— all 19  days of it— has been good so far. Maybe taking it one day at a time is really the way to go.

Happy List

1. Finishing the entire two seasons of ‘Life’ with Damian Lewis. Why a perfectly amazing show like this gets only two seasons - is just baffling.

2. Going back to QT for an arbitration seminar that Donemark the arbitration guru invited me to. It was heartening to see kitchen staff like Precy and Gaa who took such good care of us still there after all these years. Donemark also treated me to lunch at snooty L Entrecote with his litigation partners. Such are the perks of being the friend of a QT partner.

3. Going everywhere for work with my favorite gang in the office outside of Accounting

4. Lunch outs with the boss

5. A huge box of Machiavelli chocolates from Ches. It would be perfect if only it’s not obscenely expensive.

6. The shoulder massage at Shui in Libis. It’s simply the best I’ve had and is the reason Ches and I keep going back there.

7. Having the balls to talk back to people who have the power to fire me. (Does this really belong in this list? Isn't it more stupid rather than amazing? Hmmm.)

8. Two free lemon bars that I coax out of the waiter in Mary Grace Café who mixes up my order. Ches rolls his eyes and accuses me of flirting. I call it: putting on the charm. 

9. This pix of my two favorite world leaders together

*courtesy of ABC News

10. Nesting  and turning all our closets and drawers at home upside down. There’s not a lot I know how to do in the domestic front, but I’m telling you: I Can Clean.

11. Satisfying indie finds like Seeking a Friend For The End of The World, Moonrise Kingdom, and Extra Man

12. Trying out new restos like Mr. Jones with Ches and Jewel

13. Wedges galore from Alberto. They are perfectly pretty, light, high, and Brazilian. Winners.

14. A pair of polka dot skinny jeans from F&H, and blue ballerina flats from CMG. Happiness is anything ballerina or polka dots.

15. An exquisite garnet necklace from Randy. The color, shape, and size - it's too perfect and precious for words. Just like Randy, actually.

16. Playing Scrabble with the girls, even if Ajo is a sore loser. Haha.

17. Clara's bottomless jokes

18. Coming home bright and early, in this chaotic holiday season 

Im Still Alive

Dear Rache ( and 5 other readers of my blog)

Rache, I appreciate your text asking how im doing why I always disappoints you whenever you open my blog and its the same old entries. The holidays had thrown me into crazy scheds of running errands and preparing for the season. So, thanks to the stomach flu that had attacked me since yesterday that I had the time to proofread my writings.... 

Happy New Year Everyone!"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art—write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can.

"...I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you'll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you'll make something that didn't exist before you made it, that you will be loved and you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind.

"And I hope, somewhere in the this year, you surprise yourself." 

These were Neil Gaiman's New Year wishes for his readers 11 years and 6 years ago. Last year, he wished for us to make mistakes because mistakes mean we're trying something new. 

I'm trying something new this year.  Somewhere along the way, maybe I'll renovate the house. Maybe I'll teach take the Bar. Maybe I'll take up classes, like baking and crafting and guitar playing. Or maybe I'll find that being a mommy is so demanding that I'll just devote myself to the Clara. Lots of plans. No plans. For the first time ever, I am allowing life to happen to me, instead of me controlling everything. I've worked so hard. Now I just want to enjoy life and all that I've worked for.

I wish the same for you! Happy 2013!

Happy 2013!!!!! Good Vibes! Good Life! Good Fortunes.

Cheers to Happiness! Joy and Love!