Roller Coaster

(This was intended to be published December 2011)

The reason I've been quiet lately is that I am going through a lot and that was in a rally difficult time.  I also resigned from the office last month, and a lot of very confusing things ensued. First, they didn't want to let me go. And then they offered a consultancy for corporate governance. They also offered positions as either corporate secretary or general counsel  of their company.  And then the No. 1 guy in the office had a long and serious talk with me and said it was The Owner herself who gave him marching orders to make me stay. He gave me all sorts of tempting offers, including working with him directly instead of reporting to this person who will never win Miss Friendship in the office (to say the least).

I was tempted to stay just to offend her. It would definitely be a big slap on her face if I changed my mind and stayed all bcoz she wasn't be going to be my boss anymore. And I derived perverse joy out of knowing that the powers in the office were ready to offend her just to make little old me stay. (Yes!) M (one of the people I consider like an Ate in the office) wanted me to stay for the exact same reason, albeit with the disclaimer that this was vengeful and evil and not at all a valid reason to stay. Ha ha.

M also said if I'm the kind of person who's satisfied with an annual hefty salary increase as a form of appreciation for a job well done, then this is the right company for me. And I realized I wasn't that kind of person. (This might come as a surprise to some who know me as mukhang pera and patay gutom, and I don't deny that, but I've known my true self all along.) I prefer the occasional pat on the back or “good job” or “well done”. I'm more shallow than materialistic, I guess. Ha ha.

A lot of people have raised serious doubts about the wisdom of my decision to resign.Rhoel said he will take on my job, collect my impressive paycheck, and find a good hobby. (Meaning, I'm just bored and being flighty. Ouch.) To his credit, Regina (who stands to be most affected by all of this since he's my one and only manager in the office) tried very hard to be rational and supportive to the end, until I asked him for his honest opinion, and by the end of that day he still wasn't finished enumerating the 60 million reasons why I should stay

I could tell everyone that the salary and benefits and the whole prestige and glory of working  for what is hands-down the a big company actually the easiest parts to give up. I was never the kind of person who got off on titles and big names, anyway. What made me think twice about leaving were all the little things – the vi the staff who are always smiling at me and joke with me in the CR, the guards who never fail to open the door for me no matter how many times in a day I gallivant around the office, the free lunch with Starbucks Boss, the free time to blog, my own space where i can even curled and sleep and my boss still would think im busy. What almost convinced me to stay was the thought that, if I did, then I wouldn't be abandoning Pei Li and Lani (my beloved secretary).

So the past two weeks have been an unbelievable roller coaster ride. I changed my mind everyday. I changed my mind twice a day. In the morning I was 100% sure of staying, and by afternoon I was dead set on leaving everything behind. I consulted Jon, Paula, Thom, Sherry, Chris and M everyday, and I'm grateful for their time and concern and wisdom. It got to the point where I asked Jon to just make the decision for me and I'll go along with whatever he chooses. (I figured a guy who tops the Bar at 93% - or something like that – could not go wrong.) Ches, Regina, Lani and I also drew lots, and it was only Regina who, true to his sentiment, drew for me to stay.

Needless to say, I have been crying and crying. Even Ches, who has always known me to be a crybaby, was amazed that the slightest thing could set me off and I never seem to run out of tears.

In the end, I just prayed over it. After all, as Ches pointed out, it's a win-win situation for me, whatever I decide.

I just feel that it is time to move on. I felt this bcoz, despite all the fuss that my current office made over my resignation, to the extent that The Owner herself got directly involved (and this was definitely something I never would have expected), despite the tempting deal they offered – it didn't make me feel happy to stay. I told Ches, maybe I was just really so unhappy already that what should have been a no-brainer, a David and Goliath kind of fight, was not and became, instead, a heart-wrenching tug-of-war. I just couldn't bring myself to tell the new office I changed my mind and am staying at my current job. Paula said she felt the same sense of loyalty to her new company – they, after all, offered her a way out when she was desperately looking for one.

I guess, only time will tell if I made the right decision or not. I do realize that this has the potential of being the worst mistake I've ever made. But I guess I just have to deal with it.

I have no ill feelings towards my current company or even any of the people there. I've made some really good friends there, too. I'm also sad that it didn't work out, that it seems it just wasn't for me. I have no regrets joining them, and have always felt pride and honor working for them. I'm thankful that the Corporate Governance Scorecard results came out in the same week I resigned, and all four of the companies I handled leaped from scores of 67% to 73% before I joined, to 90% when I did their Scorecards. That's a good enough legacy, I guess. I'd like to believe it shows I was able to accomplish something in the one and a half years I was with the company, slacker lifestyle and all. It was good enough to make my bosses and the owners ask me to stay, anyway.

Goodbye and thank you, Baker. You've still got it all.

(All except me, I guess ...)