Retrospect

it's not that i know anyone from cebu.

so when i first went there in 2004 for a leaders' training for my previous company, i never thought i'd utter the words, "i shall return," general douglas macarthur style.

the plane left at 4:20 a.m. which meant that just about the time the sun started to light up the world, the plane was landing on lahug.

it was a full day. left singapore at 11ish (bag took forever to come out of the plane!), slept the entire three-hour flight to cebu, ate a quick breakfast and changed from wee-hours-of-the-morning traveler self to i-am-so-competent-i-can-do-this-in-my-sleep accountant self, participated on an 8-hour lecture from the tuloy leaders, so 12 hours later, my backache was killing me, the smile had melted off my face, and all i could do was gaze out into the beautiful hotel-scape that holds so many memories for me from seven years ago.



as promise, i did return. and as all the memories came flooding back, i've realized that it's not only good to be back, it's great to realize how far i've gone since the last time i was here.

It Was Still Friendship

--this was taken before watching Twilight--

Once upon a time, when I was just new in my office and not having to accumulate billable hours was still a novel experience, early dismissals meant a trip to the nearby mall. Back then, I had two close friends in the office who made going to work so much fun that we actually didn’t mind staying even beyond 10PM (Yep, 6:30 was our official closing time. How dedicated are we staying till 10ish?) Those were fun times, indeed, never mind if we had to wait for the next big sale in order to buy that cute blouse we have been coveting for months, or that new pair of shoes we have been going back to time and time again. There were days when we’d simply hang out in the nearby Starbucks and each of us would claim, “airtime ko to!” but we’d end up discussing just about anything, anyway, from koreanovelas to men to what we will give to each other on the first Christmas that we become millionaires. And when it was the time of the year to hie off to Mellaca for the annual summer session, we actually looked forward to it knowing that it would mean Country Club, and photoshoots.

Times have changed, though. Starbucks had been converted to Mrs. Fields (who goes there in real life?) and the topics of our conversations over coffee had taken on different twists over the years. My two friends choosed to stay on the workplace, and I am left alone to shop for good bargains. The nearby mall in my new office is now constantly on sale, being Red Tag branch which means that every item is a steal on any given day.

And yet, shopping isn’t even half as fun anymore. Sipping my favorite Starbucks drink is less gratifying. And early dismissals now mean leaving the office as soon as I can.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I miss my two friends.

It really makes a difference when there are people in your office you can call peers, not just colleagues. It’s good to be with people who have your back under all circumstances. People you actually enjoy having coffee with and sharing laughs with. People who can finish your sentences and who get your jokes and who agree to disagree with you. Office mates who, somewhere between the Audit Fingdings and Decisions you write, have become good friends as well.
But as I’ve said, times have changed. And unlike before when working as an in-housed Auditor was like having the best of both worlds (i.e. having a challenging work and having fun at the same time), there are days now when I doubt this career path I’ve chosen to follow.
When that happens, however, I choose to remember this…

and this......

--mary's first ever date, and we need to be chaperones--

And I become convinced that more than setting the stage for my future career, moving oversea has yielded lasting benefits in the form of friends I can keep for life. And if only for that, it doesn’t seem like a bad move, after all.

Shifting Gears

I attended a retreat sort reunion last weekend with a friend who used to be the crush of the another attendee. Our other friend asked her if she didn’t feel like the friend was the one who got away. Before she could answer, I had to butt in and say “No, you should think that you’re the one who got away.”


I actually believe that. I think it’s time I stop loathing myself and start thinking instead that if I didn’t end up with a certain person, it’s as much his loss as it is mine. No, scratch that. It is more his loss than mine. It’s time that I stop thinking that he’s just not that into me. Rather, I’m the one who’s not that into him. I should’ve learned all this three years ago. But then, it’s still great to be at my age and be enlightened. And enlightened for good, I hope.

The Letter, The Song & A Friend

Retreat at Cebu was not the conventional retreat I have in mind, nonetheless it made me cry. For 6 million reasons I can share, this will topped them all.

A song from a friend.

When She cries – Restless Heart

The road I have traveled on,
Is paved with good intentions.
It’s littered with broken dreams,
That never quite came true.
When all of my hopes were dying,
Her love kept me trying.
She does her best to hide,
The pain that she’s been through.

When she cries, at night,
And she doesn’t think that I can hear her.
She tries, to hide,
All the fear she feels inside.
So I pray, this time,
I can be the man that she deserves.
‘Cos I die a little each time,
When she cries.

She’s always been there for me,
Whenever I’ve fallen.
When nobody else believes,
She’ll be there by my side.
I don’t know how she takes it,
Just once, I’d like to make it,
Then there’ll be tears of joy,
That fill her lovin’ eyes.

When she cries, at night,
And she doesn’t think that I can hear her.
She tries, to hide,
All the fear she feels inside.
So I pray, this time,
I can be the man that she deserves.
‘Cos I die a little each time,
When she cries.

So I pray, this time,
I can be the man that she deserves.
‘Cos I die a little each time,


With a short message :

"To the sister I never had,

You know how bad I am putting my emotions into words. So forgive me for being lowsy as I was before, this song will always be true between us. I miss you and Im happy when you are happy."


Going to the retreat is not a popular issue. I didn't told anyone since I didnt have reasons to do so. It was an invitation from a college prof who's juggling a work in judiciary and volunteering into Tuloy. Atty. APS was one of the people whom I have seek help while Im going thru a hard time 6 years ago. And for whatever reason that he remember to invite me maybe devine intervention...at the time Im into again making a major major decision.

And yes, I know each time I cry.......

And for the many times I tried to bail out myself on why I should not be deserving better life, I have someone to show me the truth. Im a drama queen, yet someone as tough as Malk listens. Im a person who lacks in patience yet he was there to wait. Silently crying when I cry, celebrates each big and small success I have, laughing when I laugh.... and not judging me even once.

Kung may isang tao na pwedeng magmahal sakin tulad ng pagmamahal nya, wala na akong dapat ipagalala....but until then,,I'll rest on the fact that my bestfriend is there.....despite

the odds.

Friday Happy List

Earlier we were advise that lunch will be available cos it's Gwapo Boss' birthday. So there. Conference room was field wif foods, the things is, im not a fan of Malay food :( but this still topped my Friday happy list since;

(1) Today is my first time to meet Gwapo Boss out of Board Meetings. He is candid and strict for most of the time on emai, asking for reports without place for waiting. But today, during the lunch he told me that young people (ehhem, his referring me as young)"Should not worry much about life, for while we are still inside our moms womb, everything has been prepared" He said that at his age of 45 every time he looks back, he realized how he wasted time worrying about the future.Wow! that was amazing thoughts :)

Which brought me into thinking that, I owe myself some vacation, and that I need not worry much about Claras' future. Where was my trusting heart been for a while?

(2) Desserts were from Swensens, and I always love sweets. I took extra cupcake for afternoon snack hahaha...so afraid to get hungry.

(3) Flight to Cebu later for the retreat. It's been a decade since I last had my last one. An impromtu decision in the middle of my sad days. An invitation was sent by no less than Atty. Sulit. (those who knew me from college, would know how much I idolized this guy)

(4) I got hold of my gift from Starbucks Boss trip from China. Terracota are <3
Someday, I'll be taking pictures beside the real terracota :)













(5) My office supplies for year 2012 was issued today. I loved how the yellow organizer has this Cory feel, the colorful post-it notes and pens. Even the desk organizer are pretty much nicer than the one im using now. Welcome 2012 with a smile.

(6) Happiness is the Koi Milk Tea, Fir (my former service engineer ) sent me. I met him at Esco and was the first one to know my decision to resign that time. He was very sweet to say that Esco won't be the same (well he's just pertaining to the claim process actually haha). Every time he has scheduled check around Tuas area he would be ringing me and bring something to eat. And the time he went to Korea, he was so sweet to remember to buy a Korean Doll which i happened to love.

(7) Coffee break with the accounts associates. Pei Li our EA made antics how Ms. Everytime-mean executive has been annoyed whe she was transferred to a smaller office giving way to much needed space for them. Hahah, the mean exec is a proof that ugly people, sometimes, equates with unfairly ugly personality! :D

(8) A pinoy colleague gave me a box of Goldilocks Polvoron from his trip to Isabela. How can you think your not loved right?

Arraignment

People, naturally are judgmental.


And yes, I am not spared...


Not that these creatures has more importance to me than anything in the world. Just that, I pity them on how their insecurities have been making a good fight with the size of the Earth.


Ha ha ha. Feeling like a rich lad, feeling pretty wearing branded clothes, feeling like a royalty who want their every whim be addressed, and all the feelings - they should not be feeling (wow....much feeling there)


Anyways, my point is, they wont be the epitome of richness and money for me. Sorry people! But, if i happened to have any envious bone in my body it is, by far - so not for them!


Personality wise, I know I am better.


Ganda factors, well I let people do the talking ;)


And, if at the height of their kayabangan eh kailangan nila ng proof. Hindi kita uurungan. By all means.


Mas mayaman ako sayo - Sa kaibigan, sa pagmamahal.


At sa pera! hahaha.

God's Sense of Humor

i know my God to be a loving father. after all, everything i enjoy know happens to be the fruit of His generosity.


i know my God to be a forgiving master. i have committed my favorite sins over and over again and yet in His warm embrace i find redemption.


i know my God to be a personal Lord. He knows me inside and out, He knows my weaknesses and my strengths, and He has never failed to speak to me in a language I understand.


my God is a myriad of wonderful things, and today, He showed me that He has a wonderful sense of humor. as i was reading the prescribed scripture reading for today, i couldn't help but laugh at something i read in Proverbs 25: "If you find honey, eat just enough - too much of it, and you will vomit. Seldom set foot in your neighbor's house - too much of you and he will hate you." "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife."

and, if the first time Solomon uttered the proverb wasn't enough, a couple of verses down, it's repeated: "It is not good to eat too much honey"


yes Lord, babawasan na po ang honey.

All I Need

Rosa tweeted the other day that she was listening to our anthem a few years back— “All I Need” by Jack Wagner. I tweeted back that as it turns out, all he (referring to the boy to whom the song was dedicated) needs is not just a little more time but lots and lots of time. Time which I can no longer give. Time which I cannot afford anymore to give. And time which I am no longer willing to give.


Thus ended this Bad Romance, which, incidentally is a song that at one point also belonged to him.


Bitterness is in the air. Haha.

Senti-mentality

dear gay,


on a particularly sad day, i remember you telling me that good girls finish last. and while i remember telling you that it isn't true, there have been bazillions of times when i didn't exactly believe that myself.


since i met you in 2005, we've been through good times and bad, including liking "mitsa", buying a "special" present from rustan's, waiting for the results of your bar examinations, and countless text messages. you were the one who encouraged me to leave the mess of audting and you were instrumental in helping me leave the firm when it was time to go. so i couldn't imagine a better person to share one of the most amazing weeks of my life than you.


thank you for your encouragement, for replying to my bazillion text messages, and for listening to me go on and on and on about probably the same things over and over again ... like the window with a view! and thank you for not getting bored even though i've discussed nothing with you but the impending move, the actual move, and the first week at work. thank you for your patience and your kindness and your understanding. after all, who else will i share solsagamnida stories and issues with except for the person who made sure to look up the korean word and actually memorize it?


neither of us know what the future brings - if the weather is unpredictable as it is now, i'm sure our careers will be unpredictable as well. but if there's one thing i'm sure of, it's that your september 16 and my october 1 are both proof positive that good girls don't finish last; good girls finish in god's perfect time.


much love,

Unlikely

So Demi is officially divorcing Ashton. Apparently, this news is a week old already, but because I’ve been too preoccupied with less important things (i.e. current events in local politics. Haha), I found out about it only today.


I’m not a fan of the couple or of them individually (although I saw Demi’s documentary on CNN about human trafficking and I was impressed) but I have to admit that their breakup kinda makes me sad because I was silently rooting for their marriage to work.


You see, I’m a fan of unlikely relationships. I’m a sucker for love stories about couples who weather the odds and defy social norms just to be together. Which is why it used to make me smile every time Demi would say during interviews that she wouldn’t have believed it if someone had told her when she was in her 20s that in her 40s, she would meet a 20 something guy who would say that being with her and her kids is his best blessing yet. How sweet is that, right?But then they still broke up, and it makes you wonder if unconventional relationships really have a place in this world.


I mean, I’m all for convention and it also brings me joy when friends of mine who seem perfect for each other marry and live happily ever after, but when it’s an unlikely relationship that works, it serves as a reminder to me that love does conquer all. Maybe this explains why, when it comes to matters of the heart, I always choose to take the path where there’s most resistance.


A friend pointed out to me just last night that I always tend to gravitate towards complicated bordering on impossible relationships. Well, maybe I’m abnormal this way. Or maybe there’s something in my growing up years that made me think that love always has to prove itself to me. And at the rate I’m going, I have yet to see whether love is really as powerful as they say. Right now, I’m more inclined to think that if they who lasted for eight years could still end up in such a bitter state, then maybe love can only do so much. And for all its claims that it can conquer all, cast out all fears, and move mountains (or is it prayer that can do that? Haha), it cannot save the day for unlikely relationships.


Sigh. So much for being a romantic.

Hit and Missed

Today, marks the day I dragged myself to take shower and go to work. And it was not even about work....it is about what happened last night.

It always pains me whenever people whom I learned to trust have failed me. These people I have welcomed into my life without any doubt and reservations. My conscience is clear - I did not in any bit done harm on them. I had always been on the look for my patience to not-to-run-out, be the understanding me....but, still they have the nerve to hurt me.

My eyes give ways to the clue on my state of being today. Starbucks boss is the only person who asked me what was wrong (though i felt the concern my finance family was), but even if he was the best/closest boss I have in my entire life, i deciDEDto keep mum. how can you tell him the ordeal that only you and your bestfriend share? you can't just give away facts about your life, even if it means suffering alone.

I am exagerrating...maybe overrating the pain Im going through. But, in all aspect of fairness and justice, those people have no single right to inflict pain on me or judge me. As I summarize the to do list : I need to do myself a favor .....let go!

Free myself from people that has been overlooking my feelings

Let go the memories that stricken out the possibility of something else.

Forgive myself for being nice. For being being stupid. For being true.

Today, i find hard able to find myself...my mind is nowhere near being into work or on reality. Can't wait for the 5:30 and be at home....sulk into crying till kingdom come. I will cry tonight as my last chance to cry. For everything. Past and present woes.

But, inspite of all the drama today, God is till good. He will be with me tonight. To get through with this. With an embrace in all of my solace and tears. Just like before.

Empty-ness

Do your self a favor :

Let go!

The One That Got Away

Funny that on the same week that I had an interesting conversation with my masteral school blockmates about The One That Got Away, I learned that Katy Perry has a new song with the same title which happens to be the soundtrack of Breaking Dawn, which, as everybody knows, is a sequel of Twilight—a book/movie I associate with someone who could vie as my “The One That Got Away.” In my younger years, I would’ve gasped and said, “It’s a sign!” But then I’m not a sign seeker anymore. Which doesn’t mean, however, that I don’t appreciate the uncanny connection of events there.

Anyway, they say everyone has this person in his/her life. It could be the good friend you’ve secretly loved all these years, or that person you met as some convention with whom you had an instant connection which you never pursued, or that ex- boyfriend/girlfriend you let go only to realize that five years later, you’re still hung up on him or her and you can’t even remember anymore what really went wrong.

If you ask me, I can’t claim with conviction that there’s someone in my life that I’m ready to label as The One That Got Away. That’s either because I’ve ceased to be a hopeless romantic, or because I’m still in denial that the person I want already got away. Haha. Seriously though, I think it’s all a matter of perspective. I think it cuts both ways. I think instead of thinking that a certain person is The One That Got Away, I choose to think that I AM the one that got away. That it’s more his loss than mine. That in the bigger picture, it was also my choice as much as his that we’re not together now.

Incidentally, on my way to work this morning, the DJs on the radio station I was listening to were asking their listeners this question: What would your Facebook status be if today is the wedding day of the one that got away?

My answer to that: Who needs The One That Got Away when I can simply have The One?

Haha. Easier said, I know. Because in real life…well, in real life, I really wouldn’t know anything about finding The One.

The Month That Was

These are the reasons why I failed to update you my dear blogspot. Excuses!Excuses!

There was too much drama in the office last month, even by my drama queen standards.

The Major Project that I have been working on since I got there was called off. This time for good, it looks like. Sigh.

I came up with yet another controversial document against Somebody Powerful, and as expected, was called in by the bosses and owners right the following day. No matter - I'm standing by the integrity of my decision.

On the bright side, I found out that one of the Big Boss called me 'so responsive and conscientious' in an email I wasn't even copied in. Which should mean she wasn't just being showbiz about it, right?

Another Big Boss surprisingly agreed with me on these issues we're facing in Another Thorny Project. It is definitely An Event when this particular boss agrees with me.

Also, this executive who has been pissing me off big time for a couple of weeks now suddenly started behaving. I guess My Strong Allies put some sense and The Fear of Unemployment into her.

And The Kind Boss emailed me on his way to the airport to thank me 'for being so tremendously helpful and responsive since the day you set foot in the office'. Owww. (It's not that I've been working so hard and suddenly transformed into Miss Eager to Please. The only reason these people are being so generous with their praises is that the former GC had Major, Major Issues about turn-around time and the quality of her output. Anyone with half a brain would have smelled good after her.)



We also launched our Most Scathing Ads Ever against this conglomerate that has been bullying us all year. Team Zaccheus finally learns to fight back, tho it was still tame and not nearly feisty enough by my standards. As a result, we have two hearings at the Ad Standards Council this week. I'd normally rather stay in the office and pretend to be busy, but this time I'm actually all psyched up for a showdown.

Of course, starbucks boss has remained my compass and the paragon of sense and ethics when everything else is descending into madness. He easily gets my point and nods within the first three sentences into my long-winded arguments. He listens to all my angst and goes out of his way to encourage me even if he must have a lot of disappointments on his own. He even admitted to making a bad call about this person, and I was like, you don't have to apologize to me, you only lead this department. He is, over all, so easy to love.

It's still definitely a happy place, dramas and all.

iheartely

You are here, there, and everywhere all of a sudden.

I first saw you in a magazine at the salon where I had my haircut. It was a full page ad for Fully Booked, with you strumming a guitar against the backdrop of what looks like someone’s library. Fully Booked + you = culture and art and happiness all rolled into one.

And then you were on a huge billboard in EDSA on our way to SM North. And again in the Bench store.

You look all plumped up, more like the Ely of our college years than the slimmed down version in the two reunion concerts. And your hair. In that 80s wave. You are and always were and forever will be coolness and hotness combined.

Just say the word, Ely. Just one word and I’m so leaving everything behind and following you everywhere, to make you coffee or wipe your shoes or draft your talent contracts. I'll do everything and anything at all, Ely.

Just for you. Only you.

Nothing Gonna Stop Us Since.....

Bestfriend,

Today, I woke up wondering what are you doin and if you are missing me. Blame it last night for sleeping earlier than usual or the surreal feeling I have been discussing wif you vis-our-lunch-skype-time" yesterday. I am a changed girl now :) i'd like to believe. Thanks for your insights and cheers....i am now ready to be happy :) :) and in-love :P


While inside the bus, I saw "magjowa" , sending the message of - we-belong-with-each-other to people. Like those we used to see during our school days when the two of us are very much naiingit, since we dont have respective significant other. Our excuses transpired from being were just being choosy to being the person who wants to focus on studies. Lame excuses we have there dont yah think? Ten years after graduation, we are still single....hahahah.....and haven't think of the best ever excuse till.


I remember the Humanities Class 01 where you took the dare to be the Elvis Presley on one of our presentation. That was I think 2 months after the class started, and as for the snobished-me, it was the first time i got to notice you - the funny and free-spirited you. I was the one who approached you then - you were surprised right im sure , and because you had long been wanting to be friends with me while all i can do is ignore you .....you splurge into treating us to McDonalds :) that very day. It was the first day....and thousands of days follows;

You were present on almost every important turns of my life. That time i run for a seat, the first time my work was published, the scholarship grants, the thesis and all projects i have to painfully defend. It was you I had shared with my first salary treat :) , the person i have made kwento of the things confidential and too personal. You are the best listener one could ever have.....and as for the airtime I always need - a starbucks mocha frapp is enough. Could i ever thank you enough?

On my first date, you were there to send me to the resto. feeling like a big bro - you told me that the guy i will be dating was a waste of time. you actually and truly does not like him i know. look what happened for not listening to you...hahahaha! And for the love affair I am into now - i appreciate you acknowledging me being happy. And as for the future mishaps (knock on the wood) please prepare tons of tissues for me and set aside a night of two for me to share my woes. I appreciate your being strict yet allowing me to act as an adult. And even if I can't even assured myself that what im doing is right (feelings maybe) you never judged me. You always regard me as the senseful person albeit cluelessness in love.


All the travel outside Manila and Batangas was a hit when it is with you. I treasured all the Naga to Legazpi road trips, plus all the native bags and pili nuts shopping. The Dagupan trips just to buy my favorite puto and your bagoong. The Baguio adventure, tho you are suffering wif fever...had to accompany your bestfriend on her audit works. We enjoyed Cebu and its famous lechon like its our last day to be alive. And the thousand times you accompany me to sleep in the hotel when i had to travel alone. You were my best travel buddy indeed!


And how can I not love you...how worried you are for not being there wif me in Davao when the "monster" tried to threat me with his presence, the court hearings i have to attend to for being the good auditor., the everyday call when the "plot-against-me" was being laid-off reminding me that it's not the world going against me since I still have you who believed in me. How i wish you are still here with me in just a call whenever i miss you.


And now, that we should be acting like adults, when we have our own little Lorie and Malkiel, when people sees us as successful person ( idontknowhowtheycomeupwiththat) i still needs you more than you needs me.Just like last night, whenever im into the extreme of my emotion - id always like to share it with you. My heartaches, my success...and even the shallow story of why i called Gary "starbucks boss" or when i found a best bargain out of my shopping spree vice.


How can someone thank someone - for being an ultimate knight all through out? For being my pretend-bf all four years of school days :P, and for all the free rides going out and coming to Batangas whenever im having this stupid sumpong of not liking to take the public trasport. Minsan mas feeling mayaman pa ako kesa sayo. Kc anjan ka, at si Spike ang BM na puno ng kalat hahaah...


Ang hirap maging senti. Nakakaiyak.


Forty plus days and its Christmas. I cant think of a gift to buy for you actually. So I promised to draft the poem you are insisting me to do. I dont mind the prize, just knowing you are there cheering up makes me a winner.


Thank you Malk. But i know it isn't enough.