We called her that behind her back bcoz every guy for her is a go go go. We tried to understand and not judge her. Our heart bled for her bcoz she had a dysfunctional family, if you could even call it that. If we thought we had problems, we only had to think of her to put things into perspective. So we just tried to be good friends for her and did whatever we could to help her.
Mostly she managed pretty well on her own. She had low points, she would disappear from us for months on end, but she has been a survivor since childhood and somehow we know she will always find a way to get by. Last we saw her a couple of months ago, she was at her peak, raising her healthy and good-looking kids and rising up the corporate ladder. So we thought the past was all behind her, that she was well on her way to a much better life.
But then we find out that she was still at it all along, still at her wild ways, and even at work, too. Despite the kids, despite the good pay, despite the comfortable life. So now she’s in trouble again. And somehow we’re just not buying it anymore, her old excuse for every single problem she’s ever had in her life. You can have a crap childhood and barely a semblance of a family, but once you turn 18, you’re in charge of your own life, right? At some point you’ve got to stop blaming your childhood and family and start being responsible for yourself. And if you’re given all these chances to make it better, then your luck has definitely turned – don’t blow it anymore.
She’s pretty, she’s smart, she’s earning well, she has great kids. Why does she have to do these things still? For the attention? The dangerous living? We had thought she’d be over this kind of behavior in her 20s, especially considering she started so young. There may have been some point in our childhood when we thought it was cool to be so wild, when we felt painfully dull compared to her, but that was probably just a teenie weenie point, and the rest of the time we were not fooled. The rest of the time we were just grateful to be boring rather than damaged.
So again we sympathize with her and counsel her the best way we know how. But deep down we are also sad for ourselves, that after all these years, when we thought we’ve all grown up and become stronger, wiser persons – she could still break our hearts like this, big time
unearthing words from my heart
28 May 2011
18 May 2011
grateful.i feel so bless
i received a promotion today! this is really unexpected. having worked for the company for barely four months, it's somewhat insane to covet a promotion. but as always i am thankful, tho it means a greater responsibility and requires more time - i very much welcome this.
"starbucks" boss is the primary person involved in this. i know how he would lobby with the upper management on how i changed the system in Finance Department. my colleagues, most of them are working in the company for sometime had the kindness to consider each of my proposals. altho im the strict "little" boss, they still have kind words for me. more than anything, i felt i belong to this family of geniuses :D
to quote the message Pei Li my EA put:
At work, she’s the perfect boss as well. She’s generous with praises, lavish with her compliments, and firm with her leadership. She’s not afraid of authority, because she knows that more than the personalities involved, it is the organization she’s protecting, and more often than not, people listen to her because if there’s one thing that she stands for, it’s integrity and the belief that if it’s important, then it must be done well.
thanks PL! i owe you one week of kindeness :P
"starbucks" boss is the primary person involved in this. i know how he would lobby with the upper management on how i changed the system in Finance Department. my colleagues, most of them are working in the company for sometime had the kindness to consider each of my proposals. altho im the strict "little" boss, they still have kind words for me. more than anything, i felt i belong to this family of geniuses :D
to quote the message Pei Li my EA put:
At work, she’s the perfect boss as well. She’s generous with praises, lavish with her compliments, and firm with her leadership. She’s not afraid of authority, because she knows that more than the personalities involved, it is the organization she’s protecting, and more often than not, people listen to her because if there’s one thing that she stands for, it’s integrity and the belief that if it’s important, then it must be done well.
thanks PL! i owe you one week of kindeness :P
17 May 2011
Tuesday.Holiday
It's Vesak Day here in Singapore. It means holiday. And holiday means late morning affair with my bed and pillow. Last night was heaven, my headache decided to leave - hopefully permanently.
Breakfast was the left over pizza last night. i cajoled kuya jhay for a celebration since their aircon have been fixed.
***
Received message from my sister saying i will be Primary Sponsor in a wedding. What? I havent been married yet and here comes someone who want to make me as ninang??? am i really going to old-ies???
***
Do my own pedi and its happiness :)
***
watch tfc the whole day. and lunch is cooked by ted my housemate. happines again.
***
miss prince charm but im sure he doesnt feel the same. sad :( sometimes i even feel it was not sincere naman sa kanya to meet me. i dont know. how i wish he shows the same concern and care as "starbucks"...
Breakfast was the left over pizza last night. i cajoled kuya jhay for a celebration since their aircon have been fixed.
***
Received message from my sister saying i will be Primary Sponsor in a wedding. What? I havent been married yet and here comes someone who want to make me as ninang??? am i really going to old-ies???
***
Do my own pedi and its happiness :)
***
watch tfc the whole day. and lunch is cooked by ted my housemate. happines again.
***
miss prince charm but im sure he doesnt feel the same. sad :( sometimes i even feel it was not sincere naman sa kanya to meet me. i dont know. how i wish he shows the same concern and care as "starbucks"...
16 May 2011
Bugis Date...and others
after office, i had to go back home first to check if the aircon technician have done the maintenance as order. i had also planned to take a shower before going to Bugis for my "impulsive date" with Bugis Guy. aircon at master - now running. relief! relief! this calls for celebration! then i took a shower just to freshen and headed to Bugis for the late dinner.
head straight to Bugis Guy office, as i was a staple there last year. nothing change much, maybe even the dust on top of the cupboards can recognize me still...hahaha.. i used to always volunteer to help him do the housekeeping....which he always acknowledge as craziness. the pen i gave as gift last year on his birthday is still there, the miniature of winnie the pooh to my amazement still there also. i told him once that if i failed to be there in times he needs a friend, Pooh will reminds him that somewhere on this planet...somebody cares (baduy!baduy!)
we decided to just order from McDonalds. well, this is our signature date (date???) he working while listening to my ever reliable never-ending stories. but tonight wasnt the usual. he said he really tried to finish everything so as to entertain me. i bet he missed me (do you???)we had share stories - update on each others lives. we reminince the last years dates/conversations. were too engrossed with talking that we realized its past 10 and decided to said goodbye.
nothing too much so personal. it was a very candid meeting of two friends being away for sometime and had decided to rekindle what was there before. i felt happy that things have been more positive for us.
***
"starbucks" boss called checking if i want to watch movie. said no and pretended i was home restin and wanted to catched a nap. he's such a mystery hahaha...
***
Prince Charming is nowhere to reach :( there was hurtings inside of me which im trying to ignore. i cant ask for more than what is given,,thats the silent oath i have to live by.
***
even Sir JF is nowhere. distance will make someone forget :(
head straight to Bugis Guy office, as i was a staple there last year. nothing change much, maybe even the dust on top of the cupboards can recognize me still...hahaha.. i used to always volunteer to help him do the housekeeping....which he always acknowledge as craziness. the pen i gave as gift last year on his birthday is still there, the miniature of winnie the pooh to my amazement still there also. i told him once that if i failed to be there in times he needs a friend, Pooh will reminds him that somewhere on this planet...somebody cares (baduy!baduy!)
we decided to just order from McDonalds. well, this is our signature date (date???) he working while listening to my ever reliable never-ending stories. but tonight wasnt the usual. he said he really tried to finish everything so as to entertain me. i bet he missed me (do you???)we had share stories - update on each others lives. we reminince the last years dates/conversations. were too engrossed with talking that we realized its past 10 and decided to said goodbye.
nothing too much so personal. it was a very candid meeting of two friends being away for sometime and had decided to rekindle what was there before. i felt happy that things have been more positive for us.
***
"starbucks" boss called checking if i want to watch movie. said no and pretended i was home restin and wanted to catched a nap. he's such a mystery hahaha...
***
Prince Charming is nowhere to reach :( there was hurtings inside of me which im trying to ignore. i cant ask for more than what is given,,thats the silent oath i have to live by.
***
even Sir JF is nowhere. distance will make someone forget :(
my phone rings... and it's u
time check 4:53, 37 minutes before we can access the service bus...
yet i havent cleared my desk.
becos i still cant believe.
on what happened 10 minutes ago.
my phone rings...and yes it was you :))
***
i didnt expect your making such a deal wif all the emo postings on my FB status, more to ever browsing my blog. u happened to read the one i posted today about my lunch with "starbucks" boss and my side comment about the guy at Bugis in my past.. hahaha! so u really thibk you're the guy??? hmmmnnn...im honest! ok..its u :P
***
u want to somewhat haggle on my not-so-nice description. it was really unsolicited explanation hehehe... of course, like anybody else i have moved on. i was so over the fact that u like me and i like u --- sadly, we can't be together.
***
so Mr. Bugis Guy -- its not usual that i give time to people who wants to bribe me just so to "edit" "make way" for a nicer opinion of someone :)
***
but since you are somewhat persistent (?) ok...deal...see yah later :)
yet i havent cleared my desk.
becos i still cant believe.
on what happened 10 minutes ago.
my phone rings...and yes it was you :))
***
i didnt expect your making such a deal wif all the emo postings on my FB status, more to ever browsing my blog. u happened to read the one i posted today about my lunch with "starbucks" boss and my side comment about the guy at Bugis in my past.. hahaha! so u really thibk you're the guy??? hmmmnnn...im honest! ok..its u :P
***
u want to somewhat haggle on my not-so-nice description. it was really unsolicited explanation hehehe... of course, like anybody else i have moved on. i was so over the fact that u like me and i like u --- sadly, we can't be together.
***
so Mr. Bugis Guy -- its not usual that i give time to people who wants to bribe me just so to "edit" "make way" for a nicer opinion of someone :)
***
but since you are somewhat persistent (?) ok...deal...see yah later :)
pushing the UNFRIEND botton
R has this friend who has been An Issue for the longest time. We call him The Nega Star. Haha. He’s user-friendly, unreliable, abusive, and self-destructive. He tells R, ‘you’re the only one who understands me’ (translation: so you are obliged to understand me). He acts like he’s the only one in the whole world who has problems and hence the only one who has the right to be sad. He even had the temerity to say mean stuff to and about R. To top it all off, he ran away with R’s money.
How do we even manage to get stuck with this kind of people? I guess we all have our lapses in judgment, including judging other people’s character. And after a while we’re just too nice to drop them, or maybe we keep wanting to give them the benefit of the doubt, that they’ll come around to being better human beings one day. We can all be so stupid, really.
I tell R, for me, friends are optional, unlike family. Your family you’re stuck with no matter how uncool they are. But friends are entirely up to you. You have the right to choose them. And they need to have value-added in your life for you to want to make the effort and spend time with them. They need to make you laugh, or feel loved, or be a whole lot smarter than you and teach you many things, or whatever, to deserve your friendship. It’s like the ad in Debenhams: brassieres should be like friends – supportive, comfortable, and uplifting. (Haha.)
Which is not to say that friends should be all good times. In fact, I have found that my closest friends are those with whom I’ve gone thru the darkest of days. I have a friend with whom I became close to when her son got sick. She eventually lost her son, a year after she lost her dad, and two years after that she lost valuable possessions during Ondoy. Of all my friends, she deserves to be The Nega Star, and yet she remains one of the most open, giving persons I know. She gets sad and cries more often than my other friends, but you feel privileged to be allowed to share in her grief. Other people would just suck you in to their negativity.
I tell R, for me, for a friendship to thrive, as in any relationship, it has to be give and take. Even someone like R with a good heart and no mean bone in his body needs something back from a friend. Like concern, affection, appreciation. Something like that which doesn’t even cost one peso. Or something basic like decency and manners, asking how you're doing, telling the truth and paying up a loan. Bcoz if you’re just on the giving end all the time and do not receive anything in return, then that kills the joy right out of a friendship. In fact, it ceases to be a friendship and becomes a simple case of parasitism.
R has given up The Nega Star. Unfriended. Disengaged. I’m glad. I didn’t know he had it in him, coz he is always too goodie goodie for my liking. (I have all these friends like him and I believe I was sent into their lives to influence them with my evilness bcoz they are just too kind for their own good. Ha ha.)
At the end of the day, all R could tell The Nega Star was: you disappoint me. I guess bcoz you always expect something from your friends. It’s the whole reason why strangers become your friends: bcoz you expect that you’re going to have lots of fun with this other person, and he’s going to treat you well, and in return you open yourself up and let him into your life. So if he falls short of that expectation, then you get hurt. It’s not like someone in the office who has been your enemy since day 1 – that kind of issue hardly hurts bcoz he was never your friend to begin with and you never had any expectations of him. Only issues with people you already love can truly break your heart.
This brings to mind something poignant I read before. Something like this: holding on to a friend is sometimes like clenching your fists till your turn knuckles turn white. Letting go is like opening your fist – it feels good, but your hand is empty.
It’s sad, but he’s gotta go.
How do we even manage to get stuck with this kind of people? I guess we all have our lapses in judgment, including judging other people’s character. And after a while we’re just too nice to drop them, or maybe we keep wanting to give them the benefit of the doubt, that they’ll come around to being better human beings one day. We can all be so stupid, really.
I tell R, for me, friends are optional, unlike family. Your family you’re stuck with no matter how uncool they are. But friends are entirely up to you. You have the right to choose them. And they need to have value-added in your life for you to want to make the effort and spend time with them. They need to make you laugh, or feel loved, or be a whole lot smarter than you and teach you many things, or whatever, to deserve your friendship. It’s like the ad in Debenhams: brassieres should be like friends – supportive, comfortable, and uplifting. (Haha.)
Which is not to say that friends should be all good times. In fact, I have found that my closest friends are those with whom I’ve gone thru the darkest of days. I have a friend with whom I became close to when her son got sick. She eventually lost her son, a year after she lost her dad, and two years after that she lost valuable possessions during Ondoy. Of all my friends, she deserves to be The Nega Star, and yet she remains one of the most open, giving persons I know. She gets sad and cries more often than my other friends, but you feel privileged to be allowed to share in her grief. Other people would just suck you in to their negativity.
I tell R, for me, for a friendship to thrive, as in any relationship, it has to be give and take. Even someone like R with a good heart and no mean bone in his body needs something back from a friend. Like concern, affection, appreciation. Something like that which doesn’t even cost one peso. Or something basic like decency and manners, asking how you're doing, telling the truth and paying up a loan. Bcoz if you’re just on the giving end all the time and do not receive anything in return, then that kills the joy right out of a friendship. In fact, it ceases to be a friendship and becomes a simple case of parasitism.
R has given up The Nega Star. Unfriended. Disengaged. I’m glad. I didn’t know he had it in him, coz he is always too goodie goodie for my liking. (I have all these friends like him and I believe I was sent into their lives to influence them with my evilness bcoz they are just too kind for their own good. Ha ha.)
At the end of the day, all R could tell The Nega Star was: you disappoint me. I guess bcoz you always expect something from your friends. It’s the whole reason why strangers become your friends: bcoz you expect that you’re going to have lots of fun with this other person, and he’s going to treat you well, and in return you open yourself up and let him into your life. So if he falls short of that expectation, then you get hurt. It’s not like someone in the office who has been your enemy since day 1 – that kind of issue hardly hurts bcoz he was never your friend to begin with and you never had any expectations of him. Only issues with people you already love can truly break your heart.
This brings to mind something poignant I read before. Something like this: holding on to a friend is sometimes like clenching your fists till your turn knuckles turn white. Letting go is like opening your fist – it feels good, but your hand is empty.
It’s sad, but he’s gotta go.
today..day..to..day
(picture of my daughter - which "bigger" boss said, so like me :P)
ok...so i've been active to blogging again lately. one of my friend happened to point out why my blog is more of my thoughts rather than what is happening to me.
well,
1. i still keep the ur-so-old-fashioned diary since grade four that i scribble my angst, my anger, my hopes, my happiness and whatever stupid things happened to me on a daily basis. putting that in my blog, as for me is giving away hundred percent of who i am. which is not ideal. im not hiding behind a facade of make believe, or a nice-worthy-to-introduce-to-ones-mom girl but then again i am still sane to reserve asomething for myself. that for sure will help me control whatever tarnish it could result as per my daily dose of stupiditiness :D
2. it's because i am the simple-unpopular-digit in a population, i had to give my self a stage of my own. where again,,, i can let out everything in my mind, notwithstanding the opinions people will have on the contrary. i dont expect either even a single person to be of same stand at any given point. i still believe i am unique - that makes sense!
but then,
i realized, i can share a little peep on my day-to-day activities (such boring). aside from my very active status - keep changing as my mood swings move - i'll consider letting you into my sooo-normal life.
today.
i had barely two hours sleep last night (i mean this morning),,horrible headache i tell you. the difference now is that i have meds on handy. unlike the other night where i SMSed (A) Prince Charming - who happens to like not really want to help me buy whatever paracetamol. (B) my housemates who im somewhat shy to ask them to go out and buy.
back to today... its a miracle how inspite of lack in sleep i can still be the "nice" me in the office. i had the initiative to greet each accounts people "good morning" and voluntarily step to "starbucks" boss office to greet him. i tell you, its a miralcle. hahaha.
lunch time, my auntie Rosa (our cleaner) peep my door and ask if i want something for lunch. still the "nice" me, i passed to her one bottle of my favorite hazelnut chocolates and tell her for her daughter. and told her anyway that i'll be having lunch outside with "starbucks" boss :) yeeehhhh happiness!
as planned while we have a short chit chat wif "starbucks" boss, we went out for lunch to Bugis. i always ask him what so special about Bugis that we need to travel that far everytime he wants to treat lunch. on the side, Bugis HAS been soo special also to me once. it's a place where i felt loved.abandoned.loved again.be-friending-the-culprit.loved.and now...no news hahaha... its my call where i want to eat,,, your guess is right - KFC :) so so obvious hahaha
my "starbucks" boss cue up while im busy watching couples (hmmmnn..poluted mind) around. it happens that i realize its just the two of us also :P are they thinking what im thinking? hehehe...malicious mind... when i saw him approaching he had this "paste-wide-smile" and ask what am i thinking to bring me to smile :) yayyy how can i tell him??? with being prejudice to my own? so just told him i just remember the book i read, there start the conversation...
lunch is only till one, but since i am with "starbucks" boss no worries all the more. we reached office by two, just sign cheques which Pei Li left at my table before she left for the day. now im blogging. would you call me an irresponsible Budget Management Officer? (by the way thats is my title).... as i am drafting this blog i am listening to Gloc9 songs via youtube... such a good life! and im such a spoiled with "starbucks' boss on the thow :D happiness.
my horrible headache is now history, unless it damned visit me again tonite :(
hope upon hope...NOT
15 May 2011
package
Hurt....
Pain....
Love...
Deception...
Trust...
Betrayal....
Blinded...
Confusion...
Same reasons that caused someone pain. How can it be possible that the same things happen again? Though, in a different manner. But the pain is intensely even more.
Lessons we have learned in the past haunt us. Lessons that have helped us stand and continue our journey are the same lessons that we easily forget. Why? Why? Why do we easily forget where we have fallen? We only remember when we have fallen again....
How come the pain is intensely more today than yesterday? Why?
We would like to believe that we have become wiser. The truth is we are only wise until we face the real riddle. Then again we are put in a maze... Plenty of roads... Which one do we take? As always, we take the path that we feel is right, but don't think is right. Emotions truly may deceive us and waver us from our beliefs. Why?
In the end, we have no one to blame but ourselves.
We allowed such things to happen. We allow ourselves to get hurt. We succumb to the trap of pain.
It was very beautiful and inviting. It was a sight to behold. How can something so beautiful be so scornful as well. How can something that can make one smile, can also be the source of such great pain? Something so enticing, something so precious when not handled with care can cause so much chaos.
All the while, I thought I already knew how ti handle it with care. I thought I already knew how to hold it just right as not to break and crush it. I thought I already knew how to carry it with open palms as not to let it suffocate and yet not drop it carelessly.
No matter how many times we are given this precious package it still breaks when not handled properly. It may hurt the first time we lose it. It hurts even more the second time it happens. Is it me? Do I know not how to take care of it? Am I not capable of it? Why? Why?
Silence.... I hear nothing but the beating of my heart....
Then we forgive everyone that have hurt us, maligned us. Alone, we do not forgive ourselves.
Pain....
Love...
Deception...
Trust...
Betrayal....
Blinded...
Confusion...
Same reasons that caused someone pain. How can it be possible that the same things happen again? Though, in a different manner. But the pain is intensely even more.
Lessons we have learned in the past haunt us. Lessons that have helped us stand and continue our journey are the same lessons that we easily forget. Why? Why? Why do we easily forget where we have fallen? We only remember when we have fallen again....
How come the pain is intensely more today than yesterday? Why?
We would like to believe that we have become wiser. The truth is we are only wise until we face the real riddle. Then again we are put in a maze... Plenty of roads... Which one do we take? As always, we take the path that we feel is right, but don't think is right. Emotions truly may deceive us and waver us from our beliefs. Why?
In the end, we have no one to blame but ourselves.
We allowed such things to happen. We allow ourselves to get hurt. We succumb to the trap of pain.
It was very beautiful and inviting. It was a sight to behold. How can something so beautiful be so scornful as well. How can something that can make one smile, can also be the source of such great pain? Something so enticing, something so precious when not handled with care can cause so much chaos.
All the while, I thought I already knew how ti handle it with care. I thought I already knew how to hold it just right as not to break and crush it. I thought I already knew how to carry it with open palms as not to let it suffocate and yet not drop it carelessly.
No matter how many times we are given this precious package it still breaks when not handled properly. It may hurt the first time we lose it. It hurts even more the second time it happens. Is it me? Do I know not how to take care of it? Am I not capable of it? Why? Why?
Silence.... I hear nothing but the beating of my heart....
Then we forgive everyone that have hurt us, maligned us. Alone, we do not forgive ourselves.
my humble thoughts on marriage
are relationships, after two and a half years, destined to become like a boring marriage? someone told me that passions die after a while and that the real meaning of holding on is when all that's left is a comfortable silence between you.
i'd like to think not.
i'd like to think that in an ideal relationship, couples still talk. you still talk about your dreams, some of them may have been fulfilled, some of them still a dream. you still talk about crazy things and do crazy things like getting a neoprint together. the other person is still your "crush", that one single person who makes your skin tingle with his touch. you still look forward to dates together, you dress up and make sure you smell and look great. you still send messages to each other in the middle of night, sharing sweet nothings. you'd still talk on the phone every so often, just to share a crazy anecdote or to tell him about your awful day.
in the end, an ideal relationship is where the honeymoon lasts forever.
but men, a young but really wise friend said, are goal oriented. you are the goal. and once they have you, there's no such thing as "making things work". you just move on with your lives until one day you realize you're not happy anymore ... or that you're willing to settle.
i will not settle. i will wait for that man who can give me a honeymoon for the rest of our lives together.
i'd like to think not.
i'd like to think that in an ideal relationship, couples still talk. you still talk about your dreams, some of them may have been fulfilled, some of them still a dream. you still talk about crazy things and do crazy things like getting a neoprint together. the other person is still your "crush", that one single person who makes your skin tingle with his touch. you still look forward to dates together, you dress up and make sure you smell and look great. you still send messages to each other in the middle of night, sharing sweet nothings. you'd still talk on the phone every so often, just to share a crazy anecdote or to tell him about your awful day.
in the end, an ideal relationship is where the honeymoon lasts forever.
but men, a young but really wise friend said, are goal oriented. you are the goal. and once they have you, there's no such thing as "making things work". you just move on with your lives until one day you realize you're not happy anymore ... or that you're willing to settle.
i will not settle. i will wait for that man who can give me a honeymoon for the rest of our lives together.
Two Circles
while walking from MRT to the heart of Orchard this morning, i slowly formed in my head a theory of life and friendship.
imagine your life to be two circles, one inside the other.
the life you maintain, the life you have with your friends and family is the inner circle. this is where you're totally predictable, how they know that you like pakbet with only kalabasa and sitaw, and that you have a thing for shoes. this is where you have to maintain that facade, that you don't drink coke at all even if it meant not drinking at all. you've been pegged in this circle and should you decide to change the persona in this circle, you'd have to slowly warn everyone in this circle of the impending change.
on the other hand, the outer circle is the peripheral life... where on a really hot day and you're all alone, you can actually drink coke. it's where you think of having a cigarette just to know how it tastes like. it's where you spill all of your secrets and fears to a virtual stranger just cause you know that this person will never infiltrate your inner circle, cause you know that this person will never tell anyone of the things you've told him.
life is comfortable in the inner circle. it's warm and fuzzy, where all the blankets are pink and fluffy (that is if you want them pink and fluffy). nothing much changes here.
but in the outer circle, that's where all your guilty pleasures lie waiting for you to consume them. in my outer circle, i can admit i am captivated by watching kris aquino (i don't really know why!). in my outer circle, i can read nicomachean ethics and be captivated.
imagine your life to be two circles, one inside the other.
the life you maintain, the life you have with your friends and family is the inner circle. this is where you're totally predictable, how they know that you like pakbet with only kalabasa and sitaw, and that you have a thing for shoes. this is where you have to maintain that facade, that you don't drink coke at all even if it meant not drinking at all. you've been pegged in this circle and should you decide to change the persona in this circle, you'd have to slowly warn everyone in this circle of the impending change.
on the other hand, the outer circle is the peripheral life... where on a really hot day and you're all alone, you can actually drink coke. it's where you think of having a cigarette just to know how it tastes like. it's where you spill all of your secrets and fears to a virtual stranger just cause you know that this person will never infiltrate your inner circle, cause you know that this person will never tell anyone of the things you've told him.
life is comfortable in the inner circle. it's warm and fuzzy, where all the blankets are pink and fluffy (that is if you want them pink and fluffy). nothing much changes here.
but in the outer circle, that's where all your guilty pleasures lie waiting for you to consume them. in my outer circle, i can admit i am captivated by watching kris aquino (i don't really know why!). in my outer circle, i can read nicomachean ethics and be captivated.
Two Circles
while walking from MRT to the heart of Orchard this morning, i slowly formed in my head a theory of life and friendship.
imagine your life to be two circles, one inside the other.
the life you maintain, the life you have with your friends and family is the inner circle. this is where you're totally predictable, how they know that you like pakbet with only kalabasa and sitaw, and that you have a thing for shoes. this is where you have to maintain that facade, that you don't drink coke at all even if it meant not drinking at all. you've been pegged in this circle and should you decide to change the persona in this circle, you'd have to slowly warn everyone in this circle of the impending change.
on the other hand, the outer circle is the peripheral life... where on a really hot day and you're all alone, you can actually drink coke. it's where you think of having a cigarette just to know how it tastes like. it's where you spill all of your secrets and fears to a virtual stranger just cause you know that this person will never infiltrate your inner circle, cause you know that this person will never tell anyone of the things you've told him.
life is comfortable in the inner circle. it's warm and fuzzy, where all the blankets are pink and fluffy (that is if you want them pink and fluffy). nothing much changes here.
but in the outer circle, that's where all your guilty pleasures lie waiting for you to consume them. in my outer circle, i can admit i am captivated by watching kris aquino (i don't really know why!). in my outer circle, i can read nicomachean ethics and be captivated.
imagine your life to be two circles, one inside the other.
the life you maintain, the life you have with your friends and family is the inner circle. this is where you're totally predictable, how they know that you like pakbet with only kalabasa and sitaw, and that you have a thing for shoes. this is where you have to maintain that facade, that you don't drink coke at all even if it meant not drinking at all. you've been pegged in this circle and should you decide to change the persona in this circle, you'd have to slowly warn everyone in this circle of the impending change.
on the other hand, the outer circle is the peripheral life... where on a really hot day and you're all alone, you can actually drink coke. it's where you think of having a cigarette just to know how it tastes like. it's where you spill all of your secrets and fears to a virtual stranger just cause you know that this person will never infiltrate your inner circle, cause you know that this person will never tell anyone of the things you've told him.
life is comfortable in the inner circle. it's warm and fuzzy, where all the blankets are pink and fluffy (that is if you want them pink and fluffy). nothing much changes here.
but in the outer circle, that's where all your guilty pleasures lie waiting for you to consume them. in my outer circle, i can admit i am captivated by watching kris aquino (i don't really know why!). in my outer circle, i can read nicomachean ethics and be captivated.
i want a new me
yes, i want a new me, but unfortunately, as with all i-will-finally-get-my-stuff-in-order plans, most my reinvention plans fail after a while. most recently was the pearl project where some kids and i planned to start wearing pearls in the belief that women who wear pearls seem to be more gentle, more loving, more with "it" than anyone we know. i actually posted a small piece of paper on my desk both in the house and at work containing "pearl project" in big bold letters hoping that the constant reminder would empower me to continue on with my grand plan.
recently, on a particularly long trip, i again made the decision to reinvent myself anew. i want enough of the old me to remain but enough of the new me to catch people's attention. in his words, the goal is to be an event.
now this could be the stilettos talking but, whatever. i want a new me. i want to be more confident of who i am. i want to finally lose the 15 pounds i gained with all the late night McDonals trip. i want to learn how to finally walk in heels. i want to be kinder and more gentle in dealing with people, and yet firm when the need arises. i want to learn how to keep my mouth shut so when i finally speak, people sit up and listen. i want to be independent, to be able to eat alone, vacation alone, and (the ultimate) watch a movie alone.
i want to be able to sing... but that'll be asking for too much.
* * *
i don't really know what brought about the sudden decision. could be because i was in major "unrequited like" situation? ever been there? you're starting to be friends with someone then all of a sudden you see things you like in the person. you notice how his eyes are like. you begin to imagine what it's like kissing him. you find yourself finding more and more reasons to text him. every song on the radio becomes relevant in your imagined love affair.
he, on the other hand, carries on as if he were clueless or something. he goes on and on about this girl who fell in love with him and how he can't handle ANYONE falling for him. he puts himself down, telling you how weird he is and how the thought of commitment sends shivers down his spine. he tells you how he likes women in general and how he'd probably just go on dating till kingdom come.
you sit there listening to him, pretending to be understanding and all that when the only thought running through your head is "dude, i'm falling in like with you and all you can think about is her?"
* * *
every single minute can be sheer torture. you know the feeling of a wound that's healed and yet pressing the scab on top of it brings this weird kind of pain? that's how it's like. you know it'll be painful but you keep pressing for some absurd reason. you know you should resign yourself to the fact that the most he'll ever see you as is as a good friend, a younger sister maybe, but that's it. you know that losing twenty pounds and affecting a british accent won't change his mind about you. oh, you can pray to st. jude (the patron of the impossible, i gather) but that'll be too much.
recently, on a particularly long trip, i again made the decision to reinvent myself anew. i want enough of the old me to remain but enough of the new me to catch people's attention. in his words, the goal is to be an event.
now this could be the stilettos talking but, whatever. i want a new me. i want to be more confident of who i am. i want to finally lose the 15 pounds i gained with all the late night McDonals trip. i want to learn how to finally walk in heels. i want to be kinder and more gentle in dealing with people, and yet firm when the need arises. i want to learn how to keep my mouth shut so when i finally speak, people sit up and listen. i want to be independent, to be able to eat alone, vacation alone, and (the ultimate) watch a movie alone.
i want to be able to sing... but that'll be asking for too much.
* * *
i don't really know what brought about the sudden decision. could be because i was in major "unrequited like" situation? ever been there? you're starting to be friends with someone then all of a sudden you see things you like in the person. you notice how his eyes are like. you begin to imagine what it's like kissing him. you find yourself finding more and more reasons to text him. every song on the radio becomes relevant in your imagined love affair.
he, on the other hand, carries on as if he were clueless or something. he goes on and on about this girl who fell in love with him and how he can't handle ANYONE falling for him. he puts himself down, telling you how weird he is and how the thought of commitment sends shivers down his spine. he tells you how he likes women in general and how he'd probably just go on dating till kingdom come.
you sit there listening to him, pretending to be understanding and all that when the only thought running through your head is "dude, i'm falling in like with you and all you can think about is her?"
* * *
every single minute can be sheer torture. you know the feeling of a wound that's healed and yet pressing the scab on top of it brings this weird kind of pain? that's how it's like. you know it'll be painful but you keep pressing for some absurd reason. you know you should resign yourself to the fact that the most he'll ever see you as is as a good friend, a younger sister maybe, but that's it. you know that losing twenty pounds and affecting a british accent won't change his mind about you. oh, you can pray to st. jude (the patron of the impossible, i gather) but that'll be too much.
11 May 2011
was it my screwed up hormones or was it just me?
as i sit behind my messy office desk listing down the numerous things i have to finish, i cant help but still feel the glow of a job well done. a couple of weeks ago, i did a feasibility for this old case that was assigned to me recently and after we submitted said pleading (to upper management), the office copy came back my way with a very clear "very good" on it written by one of the Big Bosses. then yesterday, i read an email from a new client saying i was very well prepared and that they were satisfied with my work. today, the same client sent a text message appearing to be very happy with the opinion i emailed today.
all of a sudden, all the issues i poured out to chesnut two sundays ago are gone and here i am, content once more with the path that i have taken and the work that i'm doing. i am happy and for some reason, i do not mind knowing that the next couple of weeks will require extra long days if i want to shine like the bright star that i want to become.
a while back a friend noted that i had ceased to be the fun person i was before. and that scared me a lot. how can i not be cheerful, sunshiny, bright, happy and bouncy when these are the very things that i think define me. i cannot NOT be fun, at least to my mind. i cannot be serious and deep, or the type that ponders on things. i am impulsive. i am a whirlwind. i am entropy personified.
so i tried blaming hormones - maybe its just cause of the medicine i'm taking. or stress, cause, really, i've been tired a lot lately. i also wanted to blame lack of sleep although we all know more than anything else i do make sure i get a lot of that.
somewhere between the blaming sessions and today, i realized that happiness doesn't mean being bright, sunshiny, and cheerful all the time. happiness isn't also something that comes from shallow little things that makes one smile from ear to ear. i can be the fun person i was without all the external trappings.
go back to the first paragraph.
i am doing a great job.
i am making my clients happy. (and if they're happy, then so must be my bosses too)
so forget happiness from bouncy shiny happy things. i am an adult, and when one's an adult, happiness comes from doing what ought to be done right and the best way you can. and guess what - that's where i am at right now :)
all of a sudden, all the issues i poured out to chesnut two sundays ago are gone and here i am, content once more with the path that i have taken and the work that i'm doing. i am happy and for some reason, i do not mind knowing that the next couple of weeks will require extra long days if i want to shine like the bright star that i want to become.
a while back a friend noted that i had ceased to be the fun person i was before. and that scared me a lot. how can i not be cheerful, sunshiny, bright, happy and bouncy when these are the very things that i think define me. i cannot NOT be fun, at least to my mind. i cannot be serious and deep, or the type that ponders on things. i am impulsive. i am a whirlwind. i am entropy personified.
so i tried blaming hormones - maybe its just cause of the medicine i'm taking. or stress, cause, really, i've been tired a lot lately. i also wanted to blame lack of sleep although we all know more than anything else i do make sure i get a lot of that.
somewhere between the blaming sessions and today, i realized that happiness doesn't mean being bright, sunshiny, and cheerful all the time. happiness isn't also something that comes from shallow little things that makes one smile from ear to ear. i can be the fun person i was without all the external trappings.
go back to the first paragraph.
i am doing a great job.
i am making my clients happy. (and if they're happy, then so must be my bosses too)
so forget happiness from bouncy shiny happy things. i am an adult, and when one's an adult, happiness comes from doing what ought to be done right and the best way you can. and guess what - that's where i am at right now :)
10 May 2011
going slow
admittedly, patience has never been my strong suit.
but going real slow with him, well, it's been a pleasure. funny how each text message seems like a huge deal, or how minutes before he's due to appear in front of my doorstep i can't stop thinking of how fun the conversation is going to be. and it's nothing short of amazing how each and every single moment spent with him - save for that very unfortunate wedding "date" - is a moment to be savored.
it's ironic how not being with this person has taught me more than all of my other relationships combined. i used to be unable to understand what good there is to waiting. now i do. and if it's going to take another couple of months before anything more happens, i'll be fine.
it turns out that when you've found something real something true something truly amazing, you're willing to do every single thing, make all the sacrifices in the world, and wait till kingdom come for it to come to you
but going real slow with him, well, it's been a pleasure. funny how each text message seems like a huge deal, or how minutes before he's due to appear in front of my doorstep i can't stop thinking of how fun the conversation is going to be. and it's nothing short of amazing how each and every single moment spent with him - save for that very unfortunate wedding "date" - is a moment to be savored.
it's ironic how not being with this person has taught me more than all of my other relationships combined. i used to be unable to understand what good there is to waiting. now i do. and if it's going to take another couple of months before anything more happens, i'll be fine.
it turns out that when you've found something real something true something truly amazing, you're willing to do every single thing, make all the sacrifices in the world, and wait till kingdom come for it to come to you
09 May 2011
boyfriend and shoes
boyfriend selection, much like buying a pair of shoes, can be hits or misses. for one, there are times in your life, like when you're depressed that you convince yourself that you just gotta have one. another thing is that sometimes, after the first couple of weeks of happily being together almost all the time, you hit a plateau and you begin searching for the same thrill that you got, say, when you first wore the shoe or, in the case of the boyfriend, first held his hand.
misses would be those pairs of shoes you fall in love with, you wear while in bed just looking at how nice your foot is while clad in that particular pair, but stop liking when they immediately stop being promising after you realize how painful they could be to wear on a daily basis, or how something about the insole makes your toes icky-black after a day of wearing them. misses would be those boyfriends who, absent the usual rose colored glasses one usually sports at the start of the relationship, reveal themselves to be losers beyond belief.
the problem with both a pair of shoes and boyfriends is that sometimes, you have to make the "purchase" before you really find out their true colors.
:(
misses would be those pairs of shoes you fall in love with, you wear while in bed just looking at how nice your foot is while clad in that particular pair, but stop liking when they immediately stop being promising after you realize how painful they could be to wear on a daily basis, or how something about the insole makes your toes icky-black after a day of wearing them. misses would be those boyfriends who, absent the usual rose colored glasses one usually sports at the start of the relationship, reveal themselves to be losers beyond belief.
the problem with both a pair of shoes and boyfriends is that sometimes, you have to make the "purchase" before you really find out their true colors.
:(
05 May 2011
when friendship gets tiring
i know how it's like. i know how it's like to just want to be whiny and pathetic and crying all the time. i know how it's like to need ten thousand shoulders to cry on. i know how it's like for every single fibre of your being to just want to get back together with the guy because you just effing love him.
but come on.
even if you are the sweetest, most amazing, and greatest friend i've had in years, even if hanging out with you is almost always a lovely experience, even if you are best friend material, i - mega-watt, super unused to female friends, and totally type-a me - can only take so much.
and so, thank goodness for text messages you can ignore, phone calls you can drop, and sleep you can feign. if i have to again listen as to how you're giving him the ten millionth chance in the universe because, as you so claim, you love him, i may just end up hitting you on the head with my bag.
so today, i hope you understand that i'm being a bad friend by ignoring you. i am human. i can only take so much.
p.s. when friendships work, it begins with a single desperate phone call which escalates to the kind of friendship where you both learn to lean on each other from the smallest things to the biggest, and the kind where no matter how pissed you are, you know that a bag hitting incident will never happen.
at least not anytime soon.
but come on.
even if you are the sweetest, most amazing, and greatest friend i've had in years, even if hanging out with you is almost always a lovely experience, even if you are best friend material, i - mega-watt, super unused to female friends, and totally type-a me - can only take so much.
and so, thank goodness for text messages you can ignore, phone calls you can drop, and sleep you can feign. if i have to again listen as to how you're giving him the ten millionth chance in the universe because, as you so claim, you love him, i may just end up hitting you on the head with my bag.
so today, i hope you understand that i'm being a bad friend by ignoring you. i am human. i can only take so much.
p.s. when friendships work, it begins with a single desperate phone call which escalates to the kind of friendship where you both learn to lean on each other from the smallest things to the biggest, and the kind where no matter how pissed you are, you know that a bag hitting incident will never happen.
at least not anytime soon.
02 May 2011
Single White Female
In high school, Malou once noticed that she was starting to sound like me – with the kind of words I used, my mannerisms when I talked, stuff like that. But that’s ok bcoz that’s what girl friends do together, right? You like the same things and pretty soon you could end up looking and talking like you were twins.
But when you’re not my friend and you copy something of mine – that’s majorly NOT cool. Have some originality, why don’t you. What are you gonna do next – give up your usual frumpy principal attire and start wearing Mango and Zara and Enzo? Are you gonna take up reading now, and watching indie films, and maybe even blogging? Go ahead, give yourself several nosebleeds – last time I checked, it’s still a free country.
You will also have to befriend all my family and friends, bcoz they are who make my life so colorful, insane, and endlessly amazing. Assuming they’ll let you, that is –which I highly doubt considering you are not only dull and pretend to be all virginal, it turns out you are also a poor little copycat.
If you start absorbing some culture now and surrounding yourself with interesting people, then maybe in the next few years you can be just like me - a bitch, no doubt, but surprisingly well-loved all around. And maybe then he’ll love you more, right?
But when you’re not my friend and you copy something of mine – that’s majorly NOT cool. Have some originality, why don’t you. What are you gonna do next – give up your usual frumpy principal attire and start wearing Mango and Zara and Enzo? Are you gonna take up reading now, and watching indie films, and maybe even blogging? Go ahead, give yourself several nosebleeds – last time I checked, it’s still a free country.
You will also have to befriend all my family and friends, bcoz they are who make my life so colorful, insane, and endlessly amazing. Assuming they’ll let you, that is –which I highly doubt considering you are not only dull and pretend to be all virginal, it turns out you are also a poor little copycat.
If you start absorbing some culture now and surrounding yourself with interesting people, then maybe in the next few years you can be just like me - a bitch, no doubt, but surprisingly well-loved all around. And maybe then he’ll love you more, right?
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