Let me just be honest and say this: I didn’t expect 2011 to turn out this way. In fact, I had no expectations at all this year. I remember telling friends at the start of the year that I was determined to just go with the flow. Looking back, that turned out to be the best decision I made for 2011. Below is a list of the other things I think I did right this year:
1. I prayed more and analyzed less.
2. If there was something I wanted to do, I just went ahead and did it.
3. I took more risks in my friendships even if it meant almost losing some of them.
4. I explained my actions less to others.
5. I was more honest with God and with myself.
6. I started taking care of my health.
7. I stopped asking why and started asking why not.
8. I was less calculating.
9. I listened to myself even as I listened to others.
10. I stopped thinking of what should be and started appreciating what is.
11. I welcomed changes even if it meant having to adjust all over again.
12. I complained less.
13. I kept a lot of doors open and stopped figuring out when to close them.
14. I read more.
15. I spent more time with myself than with others.
16. I veered away from practices that have stopped making sense a long time ago.
17. I forgave and did what I could to be forgiven.
18. I trained myself to sleep early.
19. I stopped sweating the small stuff.
20. I observed my boundaries but kept in mind that the world will not end if I change them.
21. I accepted the fact that people can change but it’s not my duty to change them.
22. I embraced my losses and learned to live with them.
23. I celebrated my victories no matter how small.
24. I claimed my journey as my own.
25. I let joy in.
26. I let love surprise me.
27. I let God be God.
They say life happens when you’re not looking. Although I can’t entirely claim that I wasn’t looking this year, I can at least say that this year, I simply let life happen. Seeing how it all turned out in the end, I might was well do the same thing again next year.
unearthing words from my heart
19 December 2011
16 December 2011
M & J
There are two people who constantly look out for me and who I know pray for me and keep me in their thoughts. They became family to me . I see them once in a while and write emails to them on occasions.
When I’m too quiet, they know that things are not too good and respect my silence. They ask me to be brave when it gets hard. They understand that it will be awhile before things will get better. Somehow, I get by because I know that they are there for me. How wonderful to know that I have them.
I can never fully explain to them my struggles. The sadness of returning to an empty home at the end of the day; the fearfulness and cynicism; the fear of growing old alone and the struggle to nurture my relationships. But I do not need to explain anything. They embrace me still.
As Christmas is a time for thanksgiving, I thank God for their presence in my life. Their friendships are a balm to my grief, whichever aspect of life.
When I’m too quiet, they know that things are not too good and respect my silence. They ask me to be brave when it gets hard. They understand that it will be awhile before things will get better. Somehow, I get by because I know that they are there for me. How wonderful to know that I have them.
I can never fully explain to them my struggles. The sadness of returning to an empty home at the end of the day; the fearfulness and cynicism; the fear of growing old alone and the struggle to nurture my relationships. But I do not need to explain anything. They embrace me still.
As Christmas is a time for thanksgiving, I thank God for their presence in my life. Their friendships are a balm to my grief, whichever aspect of life.
15 December 2011
Vomit
As a matter of principle I don’t meddle about politics becoz it’s (1) boring, and (2) hopeless. Besides, why would I want to pollute my mind with such filth, right?
It just happened to be an exceptionally infuriating day to be watching the news, so allow me to vent.
On the headline, the President seated among allies in Congress, all of them with big, fat smiles, at what turned out to be an appreciation lunch of sorts for those responsible for summoning the numbers to complete the impeachment complaint against the Chief Justice. Something’s just so wrong with this picture. I am by no means pro-Corona, and I’m all for enforcing accountability in government, especially those in the highest levels, but an impeachment that is so clearly politically motivated and has all the signs of high-handed maneuvering – oh, please, give me more credit than that. But maybe it’s just me, bcoz the President says the move is widely supported by the people. Hmmm. Last time I checked, no one was standing up to applaud.
And then you have one of the leaders of the admin’s prosecution team, bragging about not sleeping three whole days to rush the complaint. Wait, that is a source of pride for you? If you truly believed in the merits of the complaint, shouldn’t you have worked on it nonstop and pursued it right at the first instance it was brought to your committee eons ago, and not be rushing it now all bcoz the President gives you a friggin deadline?
The Bayan Muna rep himself admitting he, along with majority of the signatories, signed the complaint without reading it, bcoz the admin bigwigs wouldn’t even give them copies of the thing. Oh wow. And your signature is supposed to certify that you believe the complaint is sufficient in form and substance? Without reading a single word of it?
There’s the Act Teachers party-list rep, another signatory, also admitting that the strategy of the admin reps is to meet with them discreetly and give them ‘very vague’ ideas of a move for which their vote is needed, but that they ‘support the cause’, anyway. Huh? How can you support a cause that is not even clear to you?
Nice going, you guys. Your sheer brilliance is blinding me. I would have thought you would be the voice of independence if not wisdom in Congress. But I guess I should have kept my expectations low from a party-list system where the only authentic marginalized sector I could find out of the long list in my ballot – and to whom I gave my vote, naturally, and without any regret to this day – was Ang Ladlad.
There’s also the Supreme Court spokesperson so passionately defending the Chief Justice he got my addled brain all confused. You’d think he was the spokesperson of the Chief Justice himself rather than of the Supreme Court.
Even the ads offended me. Right in the first part of the ad, she said her thrust upon assuming office was to not do anything that will taint the family name. Smacks of P-Noy’s ‘hindi ako magnanakaw’, right? That seems to be the standard of good leadership now – as long as you promise to not steal, then you’re ok, even if you don’t do a single thing to improve people’s lives.
These government ads infuriate me, to begin with, especially if they come from agencies where part of my salary goes every pay day. Is it too much to ask that my money should go to improving your services rather than to pay for stupid ads that trumpet your achievements? If you’re so damned good in what you do like you claim to be, then I already know and you don’t have to pay for a full-page ad to tell me, with my very own hard-earned friggin money! Grrr.
All of the above makes me do The Very One Thing that my classmate did, right when the bus stopped for the first leg of our field trip then:
Vomit.
It just happened to be an exceptionally infuriating day to be watching the news, so allow me to vent.
On the headline, the President seated among allies in Congress, all of them with big, fat smiles, at what turned out to be an appreciation lunch of sorts for those responsible for summoning the numbers to complete the impeachment complaint against the Chief Justice. Something’s just so wrong with this picture. I am by no means pro-Corona, and I’m all for enforcing accountability in government, especially those in the highest levels, but an impeachment that is so clearly politically motivated and has all the signs of high-handed maneuvering – oh, please, give me more credit than that. But maybe it’s just me, bcoz the President says the move is widely supported by the people. Hmmm. Last time I checked, no one was standing up to applaud.
And then you have one of the leaders of the admin’s prosecution team, bragging about not sleeping three whole days to rush the complaint. Wait, that is a source of pride for you? If you truly believed in the merits of the complaint, shouldn’t you have worked on it nonstop and pursued it right at the first instance it was brought to your committee eons ago, and not be rushing it now all bcoz the President gives you a friggin deadline?
The Bayan Muna rep himself admitting he, along with majority of the signatories, signed the complaint without reading it, bcoz the admin bigwigs wouldn’t even give them copies of the thing. Oh wow. And your signature is supposed to certify that you believe the complaint is sufficient in form and substance? Without reading a single word of it?
There’s the Act Teachers party-list rep, another signatory, also admitting that the strategy of the admin reps is to meet with them discreetly and give them ‘very vague’ ideas of a move for which their vote is needed, but that they ‘support the cause’, anyway. Huh? How can you support a cause that is not even clear to you?
Nice going, you guys. Your sheer brilliance is blinding me. I would have thought you would be the voice of independence if not wisdom in Congress. But I guess I should have kept my expectations low from a party-list system where the only authentic marginalized sector I could find out of the long list in my ballot – and to whom I gave my vote, naturally, and without any regret to this day – was Ang Ladlad.
There’s also the Supreme Court spokesperson so passionately defending the Chief Justice he got my addled brain all confused. You’d think he was the spokesperson of the Chief Justice himself rather than of the Supreme Court.
Even the ads offended me. Right in the first part of the ad, she said her thrust upon assuming office was to not do anything that will taint the family name. Smacks of P-Noy’s ‘hindi ako magnanakaw’, right? That seems to be the standard of good leadership now – as long as you promise to not steal, then you’re ok, even if you don’t do a single thing to improve people’s lives.
These government ads infuriate me, to begin with, especially if they come from agencies where part of my salary goes every pay day. Is it too much to ask that my money should go to improving your services rather than to pay for stupid ads that trumpet your achievements? If you’re so damned good in what you do like you claim to be, then I already know and you don’t have to pay for a full-page ad to tell me, with my very own hard-earned friggin money! Grrr.
All of the above makes me do The Very One Thing that my classmate did, right when the bus stopped for the first leg of our field trip then:
Vomit.
14 December 2011
Just Because
Sometime, from my first job i once gave my crush a Christmas gift— Clinique Happy for Men — and wrote this dedication: Just because it’s Christmas, and it’s how I feel when I’m with you. 
Awww. You gotta hand it to me for coming up with such a cute albeit slightly cheesy line. The boy asked me out the following day. So me.
I always salute those girls who have so much confidence that they can actually do and say whatever they want to the men they like and get the response they aim for. Or even if they don’t get it, at least they get away with it. Me, it depends on the level of admiration. The most I’ve ever done to make my intentions known was to ask this guy to a place that cannot be named (because he might read this. Haha). Once we were there, however, I started acting like a girl barkada again, and nothing productive ever came out of it.
Maybe some girls just know how to elicit the proper reaction from men. Maybe some just have it in them to drop one-liners and manipulate the conversation until the guy they like find themselves falling for them just like that. I never really learned the rules of The Game. The few who pursued me did so without any encouragement coming from me. And the ones I wanted to encourage never seemed to get the hint. Haha.
My friends who are married and who are my age have been prodding me to be more accommodating for a change. The idea appeals to me, but I still don’t see myself doing it. Call me suplada, choosy, or anything, but it’s really not my style to put myself out there and fish. I see how younger girls do it, and I tell myself, if this is the competition, then I’m so not in the game. And the thing is, I don’t mind not being in the game at all. I guess I’m too old for that. Or too set in my ways. Or, to put it on a positive note, too happy with my life that if being with someone would still require the same effort I had exerted in my past relationship , then thanks but no thanks. To quote a celebrity, I’m single, and you have to be very very amazing to change that.
I guess in the end, we still go back to who we are and what we’re comfortable with. I was the girl who sat at the back of the class, absorbed in a good book, while my female classmates plotted ways to get the attention of the boys. And if my single hood now is the consequence of my being that way, then so be it. At least I don’t have to buy someone an expensive perfume this Christmas. And if I’m so inclined to buy a Happy perfume, then I will buy it for myself to send the message that right now, I genuinely feel happy.
Just because.
12 December 2011
Suicide
Wrong move!
Well, this is with connection on my previous blog entitled "Secret Half Revealed" Now i feel like , im singing im so "damn, damn, damn"! As my friend pointed out, maybe im rushing things, or maybe i should change my perspective of my own life. Looking into it as half filled rather than half emptied.
I tried to validate what she said, and its hard to accept that yes, i feel im waiting my whole life for something, and yes again...lately i have been on the complaining corner.
I know everything was brought by me basking in the thought that if it is meant to be then it should be. My patience always fails me. And as a result, waiting time makes it more unbearable and hurtful.
Sad that things would be different, had i chose to go to Italy 9 years ago. Maybe im not waiting something, someone......impossible now.
To try things on my own gave me the license to own credits....but then, im confused now whether i did the right thing or i had committed suicide.
Marela is Excited
Counting now the days before I can go back to Philippines again for holiday....
Few of the things I am excited are :
<3 The bag which I asked Malkiel as Christmas gift. The perks of havin a millionaire friend hahaha!His mom and dad will be celebrating holiday in Pinas, sad that Malkiel cannot come since he now pretend to be responsible son to take charged of the family business in Italy.
<3 A month long of being a hands-on mother. Let's see where my patience will lead me.
<3 The Batanes plan with the UB02 Gang, again minus Malkiel :( Going to a decade after graduation, this will be the first ever plan of reunion. Who would ever imagine the possibility of being together again despite us working almost all overseas. A,nd because we can bring our family, I kid Winlu how about the two of us? Me being single (ok, Mom in that instance) and he a certified single, being busy wif his work in bsp.
<3 shopping at greenhills. its always haven for me.
12:48 12.12.11
The title is so walang kwenta hahah....
12:49 a.m im still awake. sadness na naman ang lola :(
12:49 a.m im still awake. sadness na naman ang lola :(
09 December 2011
The Case of Being Single
Basically, i am person who cant be swayed by majority with what is the fad or the famous opinion. Unknowingly, i always end up on the minority side and being judge most of the time because were obviously not part of the norms and we our own set of rules. Its always been the case resulting me to be typecast as snobbish and mean. The friends I had were the people who made their effort to know what is beyond the "malditang anyo". To be fair, maldita nga ako in the sense that i fear nobody. I say what i want to whoever i want to be addressed. I do whatever i want to do whenever i believed it is the best time to do. Ganun ako ka stubborn. Pwde nyong tanungin ang nanay at mga boss ko.
In 2007, i had to cut short of my stint in Singapore giving way to my pregnancy. Actually, i just went home with a 6 month baby inside my tummy and i didnt explain anything, i can be that bad, i know. Unfortunately, the baby died. And with all the insensitive people roaming around, i can hear them talking about why the father never turned up. There was guessing game of why the baby died, what happened between me and the baby's dad, and were confused whether they pity or blaming me.
I remain silent. Owing the truth to no one.
After 2 years, had to go back again to give birth. Funny how things have been just repeating right? Luckily, inspite Clara being premature - she survived. But the rumors never stopped there. When they saw a cutee baby being flawless and fair, guess they thought she was a daughter of a foreigner. And when my ex comes to visit us, guess they changed thinking Archie fathered her. These were few of the cases where i just have to keep calm, breath and not mind them.
I remember that when we planned the baptismal, the church official told my mom they cannot accommodate us since the parents were not married. Being the "malditang ako" i went there and asked where on earth they got such law. they explained that they encouraged people to be under the matrimony of wedding. Easily, i did not bother to tell them my story. I just told them, that maybe i need to start searching for another religion. And so, guess they christened Clara upon hearing that :) Who says i need a lawyer?
I have experience a lot of discrimination, only because i am a single mom. Whats the problem with those people? I feel that they should be proud of persons like me who are brave to face the consequences of our own actions. Rearing a child all alone isnt a joke, so why burden us with all your unsolicited and unfair judgment? Aren't you should be thankful, that at the height of my career i chose to give life, not even entertaining the word "A"....walking on the life of uncertainties.
And why do i have to be under such ordeal? And why not? I don't owe them the answer, much more the explanation how i chose those decisions i had in my life. My only concern is to raise my daughter, give her a life she deserve and teach her to survive in this world.
Maybe, I owe her ther truth, but then it's a different story all together.
I never vie for the best mom in the world, to be a mom is good enough.
In 2007, i had to cut short of my stint in Singapore giving way to my pregnancy. Actually, i just went home with a 6 month baby inside my tummy and i didnt explain anything, i can be that bad, i know. Unfortunately, the baby died. And with all the insensitive people roaming around, i can hear them talking about why the father never turned up. There was guessing game of why the baby died, what happened between me and the baby's dad, and were confused whether they pity or blaming me.
I remain silent. Owing the truth to no one.
After 2 years, had to go back again to give birth. Funny how things have been just repeating right? Luckily, inspite Clara being premature - she survived. But the rumors never stopped there. When they saw a cutee baby being flawless and fair, guess they thought she was a daughter of a foreigner. And when my ex comes to visit us, guess they changed thinking Archie fathered her. These were few of the cases where i just have to keep calm, breath and not mind them.
I remember that when we planned the baptismal, the church official told my mom they cannot accommodate us since the parents were not married. Being the "malditang ako" i went there and asked where on earth they got such law. they explained that they encouraged people to be under the matrimony of wedding. Easily, i did not bother to tell them my story. I just told them, that maybe i need to start searching for another religion. And so, guess they christened Clara upon hearing that :) Who says i need a lawyer?
I have experience a lot of discrimination, only because i am a single mom. Whats the problem with those people? I feel that they should be proud of persons like me who are brave to face the consequences of our own actions. Rearing a child all alone isnt a joke, so why burden us with all your unsolicited and unfair judgment? Aren't you should be thankful, that at the height of my career i chose to give life, not even entertaining the word "A"....walking on the life of uncertainties.
And why do i have to be under such ordeal? And why not? I don't owe them the answer, much more the explanation how i chose those decisions i had in my life. My only concern is to raise my daughter, give her a life she deserve and teach her to survive in this world.
Maybe, I owe her ther truth, but then it's a different story all together.
I never vie for the best mom in the world, to be a mom is good enough.
It Used To Be Stranger
I am a sucker for plan and list.
Would you believed that I maintain an excel of my finances up to the time Clara would be marching off for college. And what's funny is that I considered inflation rates and tuition fee hikes based on the last 10 years trend hahahah... You can call me OC or anything I dont really mind.
Well, finances compared to personal life is easy to managed. I can totally say that with confidence since at the age of 29 i am managing the whole finances of a tmanufacturing company. The perks of having the say, makes everyone be kind to you or I'll be a bitch slashing away part of their budget in the future requests :D. My bad.
As for my personal life. It's basically in mess. That when it comes to mind over heart things, I usually fail. Could it be because I have overused my brain before?? And it reached to a limit of functioning just the mediocre way. And when it comes to moving on, I was always the last one to get over. Not only in relationship but also of ruined friendship. Maybe because I always give whatever I have...in return, when everything fails I will be left with scars and nothing.
Because this past days im quite, if not totally free...i have few times to ponder on relationships gone wrong. And, if at any given time i'll be able to relive the times I can be wif these people. I would.
Would you believed that I maintain an excel of my finances up to the time Clara would be marching off for college. And what's funny is that I considered inflation rates and tuition fee hikes based on the last 10 years trend hahahah... You can call me OC or anything I dont really mind.
Well, finances compared to personal life is easy to managed. I can totally say that with confidence since at the age of 29 i am managing the whole finances of a tmanufacturing company. The perks of having the say, makes everyone be kind to you or I'll be a bitch slashing away part of their budget in the future requests :D. My bad.
As for my personal life. It's basically in mess. That when it comes to mind over heart things, I usually fail. Could it be because I have overused my brain before?? And it reached to a limit of functioning just the mediocre way. And when it comes to moving on, I was always the last one to get over. Not only in relationship but also of ruined friendship. Maybe because I always give whatever I have...in return, when everything fails I will be left with scars and nothing.
Because this past days im quite, if not totally free...i have few times to ponder on relationships gone wrong. And, if at any given time i'll be able to relive the times I can be wif these people. I would.
Sadness : Realization
How is it possible that the people you count on to know you well turn out to be the ones who in seconds guess your decisions?
How does it happen that the people you spend most of your time with turn out to be the ones who find it hard to trust your judgment?
How can it come to a point where those you trust with your innermost issues about life suddenly do not understand where you’re coming from?
I thought friendship is about journeying with each other and accepting that people will inevitably change, but in the end, we can expect them to still do the right thing. And even if they don’t, the loving thing to do is to stay even if they no longer meet your standards.
I’m obviously coming from a place of hurt. And to some extent, of disappointment.
If you don’t know me by now, you will never never never know me. In fact, maybe you never knew me at all. Strange how it took us all these years to realize that.
08 December 2011
Stupid
sometimes you just wish you can take back SMS you sent without really thinking. sometimes you wish that you had just ignored that heady intoxication you got from being with him. sometimes you wish you could just settle for the one who could give you everything you want, and more, like Prinze Charm perhaps
* * *
He has probably the biggest fan club : rosa and rey love him. pei li puts in a good word about him every single day. my officemates ask about him all the time (not to mention say hi and make small talk with him when he drops by the office). my boss at esco shells out money for boxes and boxes of pizza when we drop by their house. even people who read this have been asking when we'd be together ( in bf-gf sense).
i don't know. last night i thought long and hard. he's as dependable as a traffic officer hiding along that illegal u-turn without a sign. i know exactly when he'd text (6:45 a.m. to tell me to be careful on my way to work, 4:45 p.m. to tell me to be careful going to NUS for my class, 10:00 p.m. to tell me to either study or get some rest). i know exactly where he is (tuesday golf at Zafra, friday bowling) and how he feels about me (he'd just propose, he claimed, saying that fine, i may not be his gf right now but he knows what he wants and what he wants happens to be me).
i know that although i've been a bitch and have been evil and can be totally unbearable he'd still love me. i know that all i have to do is text him and he'd come running. i know that he knows exactly what i want for saturday lunch (kfc, 2-pc. chicken, coleslaw, rootbeer, if you must know). he knows that awful weekdays can be cured with friday's cajun chicken fingers, a bag of gummy worms, and rocky road ice cream.
so why not?
because i'm stupid. because i crave for things i cannot have (correction.....person i cannot have). because i want good conversation above anything else. because the weekly dozen roses lose their charm after a month. because grammar -- even via SMS -- counts. because ...
Anything less than a mad passionate love is a waste of time.
Anyone other than "the one" is no one
AND SO.....
I stay single and stupid all life.
* * *
He has probably the biggest fan club : rosa and rey love him. pei li puts in a good word about him every single day. my officemates ask about him all the time (not to mention say hi and make small talk with him when he drops by the office). my boss at esco shells out money for boxes and boxes of pizza when we drop by their house. even people who read this have been asking when we'd be together ( in bf-gf sense).
i don't know. last night i thought long and hard. he's as dependable as a traffic officer hiding along that illegal u-turn without a sign. i know exactly when he'd text (6:45 a.m. to tell me to be careful on my way to work, 4:45 p.m. to tell me to be careful going to NUS for my class, 10:00 p.m. to tell me to either study or get some rest). i know exactly where he is (tuesday golf at Zafra, friday bowling) and how he feels about me (he'd just propose, he claimed, saying that fine, i may not be his gf right now but he knows what he wants and what he wants happens to be me).
i know that although i've been a bitch and have been evil and can be totally unbearable he'd still love me. i know that all i have to do is text him and he'd come running. i know that he knows exactly what i want for saturday lunch (kfc, 2-pc. chicken, coleslaw, rootbeer, if you must know). he knows that awful weekdays can be cured with friday's cajun chicken fingers, a bag of gummy worms, and rocky road ice cream.
so why not?
because i'm stupid. because i crave for things i cannot have (correction.....person i cannot have). because i want good conversation above anything else. because the weekly dozen roses lose their charm after a month. because grammar -- even via SMS -- counts. because ...
Anything less than a mad passionate love is a waste of time.
Anyone other than "the one" is no one
AND SO.....
I stay single and stupid all life.
Christmas Wishlist
I was and never will be materialistic....that one I can prove!
Dahil kahit naman kaya kong bumili ng mga branded na bagay hindi ko ginagawa. Wala lang, parang wala lang silang dating, given the theory of depreciation...wohohhh accounting na naman?
Or baka hindi lang talaga bagay sakin ang mga branded. Mukha rin silang cheap pag ako ang nagsuot. Oh, that was false humiliation.
Or kuripot lang ako? Hindi naman :P
Nun bata ako super excited ako sa pagdating ng Pasko, preparation para sa christmas party ek-ek. Bagong damit, sapatos....tapos may christmas tree pa. Pero wala kaming Santa Claus, siguro kulang sa budget ang aming santa.
Ganun lang din kasimple ang noche buena. Parang staple ang spaghetti, puto at prutas. Pero ang saya-saya. At pag swerte, after ng simbang gabi may bibingka or puto bumbong.
Pero ngayon, parang wala lang......
Ang pasko ba ay para lang talaga sa bata?
Matanda na ba ako?
Or pinatanda ako ng panahon....fast forward....
Pero sana kahit para sa bata ang pasko, sana pwede pa rin ako mag wish....
Kaso kahit siguro mayaman na ang Santa Claus ko, hindi rin nya afford ibigay sakin ung wish ko.
Kase kahit 5x ang monthly bonus matanggap namin di ko pa rin pwede bilhin ang anumang nasa wishlist ko.
Nakaka sad naman :(
I Was Mislead
i'm beginning to think i am relationship retarded.
i'm 29, and single.
when i was in college, naive, and also single , i thought i'd get married by 25 and have kids by 28 (actually, this happened earlier). i thought 30 was so old, and i though that i'd have the world at my feet by 40. 50 seemed so old, and a six-year age gap was something i knew would make my friends' eyebrows rise.
goodness. if i can talk to my 21 year old self, i'd probably whack her in the head for not knowing anything worth knowing.
see. there is a reason why i am single.
and now i know.
i'm 29, and single.
when i was in college, naive, and also single , i thought i'd get married by 25 and have kids by 28 (actually, this happened earlier). i thought 30 was so old, and i though that i'd have the world at my feet by 40. 50 seemed so old, and a six-year age gap was something i knew would make my friends' eyebrows rise.
goodness. if i can talk to my 21 year old self, i'd probably whack her in the head for not knowing anything worth knowing.
see. there is a reason why i am single.
and now i know.
07 December 2011
Reasons To End The Affair
Maybe the most important one of all:
It's a little girl's birthday party and all she wants is for her daddy to be there!
It's a little girl's birthday party and all she wants is for her daddy to be there!
:(
06 December 2011
My First Baby
Happy Birthday to the first bundle of joy in our family!!!!
Super <3 ka ni Ta Ninang...
The Affair
This Monday got off to a slow start (how often does that happen?) so I found myself texting friends this morning about my current “affair.” Haha. ( At affair talaga ang tawag.) I told them there’s so much to feel kilig about, although it’s not the same as how I felt with "J" because we all know that I’ll marry J in a heartbeat if he asks me to. This, on the other hand, is more similar to that feeling I had when I was fourteen and received a love letter from my very first suitor— wrong grammar and all. Haha. In other words, it’s the feeling you know you shouldn’t take seriously because you know it won’t go anywhere, but you’d still entertain nonetheless because whether you admit it or not, it’s just plain HAPPY. I’m truly grateful for friends who share all the kilig moments with me. As for those who don’t, well, I can’t begrudge them for that. Such is life.
My friend who used to object to this “affair” but who was later on converted because she realized that it’s not as if there’s any legal or moral impediment to it, asked me if I will let my heart prevail over my mind this time. I told her I still have no answer to that but I’m just going with the flow. She said my mind has prevailed over my heart for so long; maybe it’s time to give my heart a chance. Awww. She has no idea how much that statement made me smile, especially coming from her.
Maybe this is me wanting to be reckless for once. Or me wanting to prove that it’s still possible to be carefree and happy. Or me realizing that the jaded days are over and it’s now okay to let someone in again, no matter how undefined the extent of that “letting in” may be. Or, maybe I’m just in crush, plain and simple. And it doesn’t hurt that he’s really good looking (unlike J. na dinaan ako sa personality. Haha!) and can light up the whole room with his smile. I guess, after a serious heartache that left me bitter for so long, I have all the right in the world to give myself a break. And judging from the way my heart skips a beat when I see him, it’s gearing up to be a really major, happy, giddy, i-get-so-weak-in-the-knees-type of break.
Pardon the cliche but this year, Christmas did come early.
My friend who used to object to this “affair” but who was later on converted because she realized that it’s not as if there’s any legal or moral impediment to it, asked me if I will let my heart prevail over my mind this time. I told her I still have no answer to that but I’m just going with the flow. She said my mind has prevailed over my heart for so long; maybe it’s time to give my heart a chance. Awww. She has no idea how much that statement made me smile, especially coming from her.
Maybe this is me wanting to be reckless for once. Or me wanting to prove that it’s still possible to be carefree and happy. Or me realizing that the jaded days are over and it’s now okay to let someone in again, no matter how undefined the extent of that “letting in” may be. Or, maybe I’m just in crush, plain and simple. And it doesn’t hurt that he’s really good looking (unlike J. na dinaan ako sa personality. Haha!) and can light up the whole room with his smile. I guess, after a serious heartache that left me bitter for so long, I have all the right in the world to give myself a break. And judging from the way my heart skips a beat when I see him, it’s gearing up to be a really major, happy, giddy, i-get-so-weak-in-the-knees-type of break.
Pardon the cliche but this year, Christmas did come early.
05 December 2011
Ewan
It's been a roller coaster ride of emotions once again.
- Ang hirap palang ibigay ng trust, but in my case it seems impossible para maubos ang trust ko to a certain person. Tsk, nakakatakot minsan.
- Ung gusto mong maniwala, pero the reality dictates na hindi totoo. Or totoo man, walang paninindigan. Believer pa naman ako ng putting words into action.
- May takot sa puso mo, na baka masaktan mo na naman ang mga taong mahal mo. Kahit alam mong wala ka namang ganung intensyon. Kaya hindi ka na lang susugal.
- Ang bawat happiness na meron ka ay alam mong temporary lang, dahilan para hindi mo ma-enjoy ng buo ang experience. 'ang hirap pala sa ganitong situation...minsan nakakapraning.
- Ang hirap palang ibigay ng trust, but in my case it seems impossible para maubos ang trust ko to a certain person. Tsk, nakakatakot minsan.
- Ung gusto mong maniwala, pero the reality dictates na hindi totoo. Or totoo man, walang paninindigan. Believer pa naman ako ng putting words into action.
- May takot sa puso mo, na baka masaktan mo na naman ang mga taong mahal mo. Kahit alam mong wala ka namang ganung intensyon. Kaya hindi ka na lang susugal.
- Ang bawat happiness na meron ka ay alam mong temporary lang, dahilan para hindi mo ma-enjoy ng buo ang experience. 'ang hirap pala sa ganitong situation...minsan nakakapraning.
04 December 2011
Mark This Day
Every once in a while. something unexpected and extremely wonderful happens.
It makes you think that God must really be smiling down on you; that all the days of pining and wishful thinking are over; that all of your disappointments in the past could be forgotten after all; that life can really be beautiful; that your time has finally come.
You realize that the one thing you've been asking for has already happened and that more extraordinary things are still bound to unfold.
Your heart leaps, your mind soars, your eyes weep, and your hands are lifted in praise.
And when this happens, the only thing you find yourself saying is, "Thank you, God for loving me this way, this much!"
It makes you think that God must really be smiling down on you; that all the days of pining and wishful thinking are over; that all of your disappointments in the past could be forgotten after all; that life can really be beautiful; that your time has finally come.
You realize that the one thing you've been asking for has already happened and that more extraordinary things are still bound to unfold.
Your heart leaps, your mind soars, your eyes weep, and your hands are lifted in praise.
And when this happens, the only thing you find yourself saying is, "Thank you, God for loving me this way, this much!"
Unexpected Wisdom
Sometimes, the best advice---the ones we need to hear at the exact time--- comes from the most unexpected people.
My former boss (of all people!) told me this: When it comes to matters of love, God is an enabler.
That's all I need to hear.
My former boss (of all people!) told me this: When it comes to matters of love, God is an enabler.
That's all I need to hear.
Antukin
I already posted this on my other blog two years ago, and I’m posting it again now because:
1. It was allegedly written by Rico Blanco for KC Concepcion, who, we all know, has been in the headlines since Sunday. (From Rico to Piolo…tsk, now we know how wrong that move was, Kristina!)
2. My friend posted something related to this on her Facebook; and
3. Two years after blogging about it, I listen to it again and feel my heart resonating with its lyrics, especially the part that says: Buti na lang, merong langit na nagtatatanggol sa pag-ibig na pursigido’t matiyaga. Sasalubungin natin ang kinabukasan, nang walang takot at walang pangamba. Tadhana’y medyo over-rated kung minsan. Kung ayaw may dahilan, kung gusto, palaging mayroong paraan…. Gumawa na lang tayo ng paraan.
I just love it when simple tagalog words are so beautifully put together and so right on the spot that you can’t help but think you could’ve written them yourself.
javascript:void(0)
And so it bears repeating: Buti na lang, merong langit na nagtatanggol sa pag-ibig na pursigido’t matiyaga!
It doesn’t get any more senti pero rakenroll than this!
1. It was allegedly written by Rico Blanco for KC Concepcion, who, we all know, has been in the headlines since Sunday. (From Rico to Piolo…tsk, now we know how wrong that move was, Kristina!)
2. My friend posted something related to this on her Facebook; and
3. Two years after blogging about it, I listen to it again and feel my heart resonating with its lyrics, especially the part that says: Buti na lang, merong langit na nagtatatanggol sa pag-ibig na pursigido’t matiyaga. Sasalubungin natin ang kinabukasan, nang walang takot at walang pangamba. Tadhana’y medyo over-rated kung minsan. Kung ayaw may dahilan, kung gusto, palaging mayroong paraan…. Gumawa na lang tayo ng paraan.
I just love it when simple tagalog words are so beautifully put together and so right on the spot that you can’t help but think you could’ve written them yourself.
javascript:void(0)
And so it bears repeating: Buti na lang, merong langit na nagtatanggol sa pag-ibig na pursigido’t matiyaga!
It doesn’t get any more senti pero rakenroll than this!
02 December 2011
Three Ways of Falling
It was love at first sight with Adonis. I saw him for the first time at the 3rd floor of our law school library in UB his red shirt and Guess jeans and I immediately fell for him. Right there, right then. Maybe it’s because I was so young then—hopeful and still convinced of the merits of love— that I didn’t even resist my feelings even if I knew that college was the worst time and place to be in love. At any rate, it was a good experience; and one that made those four years more bearable and exciting than usual, even though we were never really together
With J, it was a natural progression. Given the nature of our relationship and the things we talked about, it was inevitable that I fall. In fact, my friends told me from the start that that was bound to happen. And they were right. It took me just a week to admit that I was falling. And apparently, it’s taking me a lifetime to get over that feeling.
And then there’s Prinze. Unlike with J and with A, this one actually took me by surprise. It definitely wasn’t love at first sight. And while it grew over time, it also wasn’t a case of natural progression. It sort of just crept from behind my back and totally caught me by surprise. In short, I was blindsided. I’ve been trying to make light of it by telling friends that as the song goes, “It’s just a little crush, not like I faint, every time we touch.” But then I literally woke up one day and realized that I could be falling and I’m not even aware of it. It’s wonderful and scary at the same time.
I know I can possibly give in to this feeling sooner or later. The question though is whether I will allow myself to do so. Because unlike in the case of A, I’m not so young anymore, which means that in matters of the heart, I’m as jaded as anyone can get. And unlike in the case of J, this one is so not natural. In fact this could be The Most Unexpected Love Affair of my Life.
I can list down a thousand reasons why this should not go on. But what good would that list be if I know that it can be easily trumped by this giddy feeling I get when I’m around him? I told a friend about this and she told me I do sound like a schoolgirl gushing over her crush. Analyzing how I feel and my reactions to what he does, I think my friend is right. Maybe it’s still just a little crush. Although I must admit, I feel like fainting now every time we touch. Haha. Apparently, crush takes on a whole new meaning when you’re twenty-something.
But still...i was bound not to love again :(
With J, it was a natural progression. Given the nature of our relationship and the things we talked about, it was inevitable that I fall. In fact, my friends told me from the start that that was bound to happen. And they were right. It took me just a week to admit that I was falling. And apparently, it’s taking me a lifetime to get over that feeling.
And then there’s Prinze. Unlike with J and with A, this one actually took me by surprise. It definitely wasn’t love at first sight. And while it grew over time, it also wasn’t a case of natural progression. It sort of just crept from behind my back and totally caught me by surprise. In short, I was blindsided. I’ve been trying to make light of it by telling friends that as the song goes, “It’s just a little crush, not like I faint, every time we touch.” But then I literally woke up one day and realized that I could be falling and I’m not even aware of it. It’s wonderful and scary at the same time.
I know I can possibly give in to this feeling sooner or later. The question though is whether I will allow myself to do so. Because unlike in the case of A, I’m not so young anymore, which means that in matters of the heart, I’m as jaded as anyone can get. And unlike in the case of J, this one is so not natural. In fact this could be The Most Unexpected Love Affair of my Life.
I can list down a thousand reasons why this should not go on. But what good would that list be if I know that it can be easily trumped by this giddy feeling I get when I’m around him? I told a friend about this and she told me I do sound like a schoolgirl gushing over her crush. Analyzing how I feel and my reactions to what he does, I think my friend is right. Maybe it’s still just a little crush. Although I must admit, I feel like fainting now every time we touch. Haha. Apparently, crush takes on a whole new meaning when you’re twenty-something.
But still...i was bound not to love again :(
29 November 2011
Retrospect
it's not that i know anyone from cebu.
so when i first went there in 2004 for a leaders' training for my previous company, i never thought i'd utter the words, "i shall return," general douglas macarthur style.
it was a full day. left singapore at 11ish (bag took forever to come out of the plane!), slept the entire three-hour flight to cebu, ate a quick breakfast and changed from wee-hours-of-the-morning traveler self to i-am-so-competent-i-can-do-this-in-my-sleep accountant self, participated on an 8-hour lecture from the tuloy leaders, so 12 hours later, my backache was killing me, the smile had melted off my face, and all i could do was gaze out into the beautiful hotel-scape that holds so many memories for me from seven years ago.
![](http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif"https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnBz0PdDKlegfSSVzpf6pxtYviJaJby2gZsqBnc5iBI5omoKmbkISALai3s1ggmvRqyeAJAwb7fozgJNzPiOub2TQa7iQzrBTUiummNIYAxc7hRKJKwACgTmeBIQeDZjMsO6TjfkznYwE/s400/ormoc+sunset.jpg")
as promise, i did return. and as all the memories came flooding back, i've realized that it's not only good to be back, it's great to realize how far i've gone since the last time i was here.
so when i first went there in 2004 for a leaders' training for my previous company, i never thought i'd utter the words, "i shall return," general douglas macarthur style.
the plane left at 4:20 a.m. which meant that just about the time the sun started to light up the world, the plane was landing on lahug.
it was a full day. left singapore at 11ish (bag took forever to come out of the plane!), slept the entire three-hour flight to cebu, ate a quick breakfast and changed from wee-hours-of-the-morning traveler self to i-am-so-competent-i-can-do-this-in-my-sleep accountant self, participated on an 8-hour lecture from the tuloy leaders, so 12 hours later, my backache was killing me, the smile had melted off my face, and all i could do was gaze out into the beautiful hotel-scape that holds so many memories for me from seven years ago.
as promise, i did return. and as all the memories came flooding back, i've realized that it's not only good to be back, it's great to realize how far i've gone since the last time i was here.
It Was Still Friendship
--this was taken before watching Twilight--Once upon a time, when I was just new in my office and not having to accumulate billable hours was still a novel experience, early dismissals meant a trip to the nearby mall. Back then, I had two close friends in the office who made going to work so much fun that we actually didn’t mind staying even beyond 10PM (Yep, 6:30 was our official closing time. How dedicated are we staying till 10ish?) Those were fun times, indeed, never mind if we had to wait for the next big sale in order to buy that cute blouse we have been coveting for months, or that new pair of shoes we have been going back to time and time again. There were days when we’d simply hang out in the nearby Starbucks and each of us would claim, “airtime ko to!” but we’d end up discussing just about anything, anyway, from koreanovelas to men to what we will give to each other on the first Christmas that we become millionaires. And when it was the time of the year to hie off to Mellaca for the annual summer session, we actually looked forward to it knowing that it would mean Country Club, and photoshoots.
Times have changed, though. Starbucks had been converted to Mrs. Fields (who goes there in real life?) and the topics of our conversations over coffee had taken on different twists over the years. My two friends choosed to stay on the workplace, and I am left alone to shop for good bargains. The nearby mall in my new office is now constantly on sale, being Red Tag branch which means that every item is a steal on any given day.
And yet, shopping isn’t even half as fun anymore. Sipping my favorite Starbucks drink is less gratifying. And early dismissals now mean leaving the office as soon as I can.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I miss my two friends.
It really makes a difference when there are people in your office you can call peers, not just colleagues. It’s good to be with people who have your back under all circumstances. People you actually enjoy having coffee with and sharing laughs with. People who can finish your sentences and who get your jokes and who agree to disagree with you. Office mates who, somewhere between the Audit Fingdings and Decisions you write, have become good friends as well.
But as I’ve said, times have changed. And unlike before when working as an in-housed Auditor was like having the best of both worlds (i.e. having a challenging work and having fun at the same time), there are days now when I doubt this career path I’ve chosen to follow.
When that happens, however, I choose to remember this…
and this......
--mary's first ever date, and we need to be chaperones--
It really makes a difference when there are people in your office you can call peers, not just colleagues. It’s good to be with people who have your back under all circumstances. People you actually enjoy having coffee with and sharing laughs with. People who can finish your sentences and who get your jokes and who agree to disagree with you. Office mates who, somewhere between the Audit Fingdings and Decisions you write, have become good friends as well.
But as I’ve said, times have changed. And unlike before when working as an in-housed Auditor was like having the best of both worlds (i.e. having a challenging work and having fun at the same time), there are days now when I doubt this career path I’ve chosen to follow.
When that happens, however, I choose to remember this…
and this......
--mary's first ever date, and we need to be chaperones--And I become convinced that more than setting the stage for my future career, moving oversea has yielded lasting benefits in the form of friends I can keep for life. And if only for that, it doesn’t seem like a bad move, after all.
Shifting Gears
I attended a retreat sort reunion last weekend with a friend who used to be the crush of the another attendee. Our other friend asked her if she didn’t feel like the friend was the one who got away. Before she could answer, I had to butt in and say “No, you should think that you’re the one who got away.”
I actually believe that. I think it’s time I stop loathing myself and start thinking instead that if I didn’t end up with a certain person, it’s as much his loss as it is mine. No, scratch that. It is more his loss than mine. It’s time that I stop thinking that he’s just not that into me. Rather, I’m the one who’s not that into him. I should’ve learned all this three years ago. But then, it’s still great to be at my age and be enlightened. And enlightened for good, I hope.
I actually believe that. I think it’s time I stop loathing myself and start thinking instead that if I didn’t end up with a certain person, it’s as much his loss as it is mine. No, scratch that. It is more his loss than mine. It’s time that I stop thinking that he’s just not that into me. Rather, I’m the one who’s not that into him. I should’ve learned all this three years ago. But then, it’s still great to be at my age and be enlightened. And enlightened for good, I hope.
27 November 2011
The Letter, The Song & A Friend
Retreat at Cebu was not the conventional retreat I have in mind, nonetheless it made me cry. For 6 million reasons I can share, this will topped them all.
A song from a friend.
When She cries – Restless Heart
A song from a friend.
When She cries – Restless Heart
The road I have traveled on,
Is paved with good intentions.
It’s littered with broken dreams,
That never quite came true.
When all of my hopes were dying,
Her love kept me trying.
She does her best to hide,
The pain that she’s been through.
When she cries, at night,
And she doesn’t think that I can hear her.
She tries, to hide,
All the fear she feels inside.
So I pray, this time,
I can be the man that she deserves.
‘Cos I die a little each time,
When she cries.
She’s always been there for me,
Whenever I’ve fallen.
When nobody else believes,
She’ll be there by my side.
I don’t know how she takes it,
Just once, I’d like to make it,
Then there’ll be tears of joy,
That fill her lovin’ eyes.
When she cries, at night,
And she doesn’t think that I can hear her.
She tries, to hide,
All the fear she feels inside.
So I pray, this time,
I can be the man that she deserves.
‘Cos I die a little each time,
When she cries.
So I pray, this time,
I can be the man that she deserves.
‘Cos I die a little each time,
With a short message :
"To the sister I never had,
You know how bad I am putting my emotions into words. So forgive me for being lowsy as I was before, this song will always be true between us. I miss you and Im happy when you are happy."
Going to the retreat is not a popular issue. I didn't told anyone since I didnt have reasons to do so. It was an invitation from a college prof who's juggling a work in judiciary and volunteering into Tuloy. Atty. APS was one of the people whom I have seek help while Im going thru a hard time 6 years ago. And for whatever reason that he remember to invite me maybe devine intervention...at the time Im into again making a major major decision.
And yes, I know each time I cry.......
And for the many times I tried to bail out myself on why I should not be deserving better life, I have someone to show me the truth. Im a drama queen, yet someone as tough as Malk listens. Im a person who lacks in patience yet he was there to wait. Silently crying when I cry, celebrates each big and small success I have, laughing when I laugh.... and not judging me even once.
Kung may isang tao na pwedeng magmahal sakin tulad ng pagmamahal nya, wala na akong dapat ipagalala....but until then,,I'll rest on the fact that my bestfriend is there.....despite
the odds.
Is paved with good intentions.
It’s littered with broken dreams,
That never quite came true.
When all of my hopes were dying,
Her love kept me trying.
She does her best to hide,
The pain that she’s been through.
When she cries, at night,
And she doesn’t think that I can hear her.
She tries, to hide,
All the fear she feels inside.
So I pray, this time,
I can be the man that she deserves.
‘Cos I die a little each time,
When she cries.
She’s always been there for me,
Whenever I’ve fallen.
When nobody else believes,
She’ll be there by my side.
I don’t know how she takes it,
Just once, I’d like to make it,
Then there’ll be tears of joy,
That fill her lovin’ eyes.
When she cries, at night,
And she doesn’t think that I can hear her.
She tries, to hide,
All the fear she feels inside.
So I pray, this time,
I can be the man that she deserves.
‘Cos I die a little each time,
When she cries.
So I pray, this time,
I can be the man that she deserves.
‘Cos I die a little each time,
With a short message :
"To the sister I never had,
You know how bad I am putting my emotions into words. So forgive me for being lowsy as I was before, this song will always be true between us. I miss you and Im happy when you are happy."
Going to the retreat is not a popular issue. I didn't told anyone since I didnt have reasons to do so. It was an invitation from a college prof who's juggling a work in judiciary and volunteering into Tuloy. Atty. APS was one of the people whom I have seek help while Im going thru a hard time 6 years ago. And for whatever reason that he remember to invite me maybe devine intervention...at the time Im into again making a major major decision.
And yes, I know each time I cry.......
And for the many times I tried to bail out myself on why I should not be deserving better life, I have someone to show me the truth. Im a drama queen, yet someone as tough as Malk listens. Im a person who lacks in patience yet he was there to wait. Silently crying when I cry, celebrates each big and small success I have, laughing when I laugh.... and not judging me even once.
Kung may isang tao na pwedeng magmahal sakin tulad ng pagmamahal nya, wala na akong dapat ipagalala....but until then,,I'll rest on the fact that my bestfriend is there.....despite
25 November 2011
Friday Happy List
Earlier we were advise that lunch will be available cos it's Gwapo Boss' birthday. So there. Conference room was field wif foods, the things is, im not a fan of Malay food :( but this still topped my Friday happy list since;
(1) Today is my first time to meet Gwapo Boss out of Board Meetings. He is candid and strict for most of the time on emai, asking for reports without place for waiting. But today, during the lunch he told me that young people (ehhem, his referring me as young)"Should not worry much about life, for while we are still inside our moms womb, everything has been prepared" He said that at his age of 45 every time he looks back, he realized how he wasted time worrying about the future.Wow! that was amazing thoughts :)
Which brought me into thinking that, I owe myself some vacation, and that I need not worry much about Claras' future. Where was my trusting heart been for a while?
(2) Desserts were from Swensens, and I always love sweets. I took extra cupcake for afternoon snack hahaha...so afraid to get hungry.
(3) Flight to Cebu later for the retreat. It's been a decade since I last had my last one. An impromtu decision in the middle of my sad days. An invitation was sent by no less than Atty. Sulit. (those who knew me from college, would know how much I idolized this guy)
(4) I got hold of my gift from Starbucks Boss trip from China. Terracota are <3
Someday, I'll be taking pictures beside the real terracota :)
(5) My office supplies for year 2012 was issued today. I loved how the yellow organizer has this Cory feel, the colorful post-it notes and pens. Even the desk organizer are pretty much nicer than the one im using now. Welcome 2012 with a smile.
(6) Happiness is the Koi Milk Tea, Fir (my former service engineer ) sent me. I met him at Esco and was the first one to know my decision to resign that time. He was very sweet to say that Esco won't be the same (well he's just pertaining to the claim process actually haha). Every time he has scheduled check around Tuas area he would be ringing me and bring something to eat. And the time he went to Korea, he was so sweet to remember to buy a Korean Doll which i happened to love.
(7) Coffee break with the accounts associates. Pei Li our EA made antics how Ms. Everytime-mean executive has been annoyed whe she was transferred to a smaller office giving way to much needed space for them. Hahah, the mean exec is a proof that ugly people, sometimes, equates with unfairly ugly personality! :D
(8) A pinoy colleague gave me a box of Goldilocks Polvoron from his trip to Isabela. How can you think your not loved right?
(1) Today is my first time to meet Gwapo Boss out of Board Meetings. He is candid and strict for most of the time on emai, asking for reports without place for waiting. But today, during the lunch he told me that young people (ehhem, his referring me as young)"Should not worry much about life, for while we are still inside our moms womb, everything has been prepared" He said that at his age of 45 every time he looks back, he realized how he wasted time worrying about the future.Wow! that was amazing thoughts :)
Which brought me into thinking that, I owe myself some vacation, and that I need not worry much about Claras' future. Where was my trusting heart been for a while?
(2) Desserts were from Swensens, and I always love sweets. I took extra cupcake for afternoon snack hahaha...so afraid to get hungry.
(3) Flight to Cebu later for the retreat. It's been a decade since I last had my last one. An impromtu decision in the middle of my sad days. An invitation was sent by no less than Atty. Sulit. (those who knew me from college, would know how much I idolized this guy)
(4) I got hold of my gift from Starbucks Boss trip from China. Terracota are <3
Someday, I'll be taking pictures beside the real terracota :)
(5) My office supplies for year 2012 was issued today. I loved how the yellow organizer has this Cory feel, the colorful post-it notes and pens. Even the desk organizer are pretty much nicer than the one im using now. Welcome 2012 with a smile.
(6) Happiness is the Koi Milk Tea, Fir (my former service engineer ) sent me. I met him at Esco and was the first one to know my decision to resign that time. He was very sweet to say that Esco won't be the same (well he's just pertaining to the claim process actually haha). Every time he has scheduled check around Tuas area he would be ringing me and bring something to eat. And the time he went to Korea, he was so sweet to remember to buy a Korean Doll which i happened to love.
(7) Coffee break with the accounts associates. Pei Li our EA made antics how Ms. Everytime-mean executive has been annoyed whe she was transferred to a smaller office giving way to much needed space for them. Hahah, the mean exec is a proof that ugly people, sometimes, equates with unfairly ugly personality! :D
(8) A pinoy colleague gave me a box of Goldilocks Polvoron from his trip to Isabela. How can you think your not loved right?
24 November 2011
Arraignment
People, naturally are judgmental.
And yes, I am not spared...
Not that these creatures has more importance to me than anything in the world. Just that, I pity them on how their insecurities have been making a good fight with the size of the Earth.
Ha ha ha. Feeling like a rich lad, feeling pretty wearing branded clothes, feeling like a royalty who want their every whim be addressed, and all the feelings - they should not be feeling (wow....much feeling there)
Anyways, my point is, they wont be the epitome of richness and money for me. Sorry people! But, if i happened to have any envious bone in my body it is, by far - so not for them!
Personality wise, I know I am better.
Ganda factors, well I let people do the talking ;)
And, if at the height of their kayabangan eh kailangan nila ng proof. Hindi kita uurungan. By all means.
Mas mayaman ako sayo - Sa kaibigan, sa pagmamahal.
At sa pera! hahaha.
And yes, I am not spared...
Not that these creatures has more importance to me than anything in the world. Just that, I pity them on how their insecurities have been making a good fight with the size of the Earth.
Ha ha ha. Feeling like a rich lad, feeling pretty wearing branded clothes, feeling like a royalty who want their every whim be addressed, and all the feelings - they should not be feeling (wow....much feeling there)
Anyways, my point is, they wont be the epitome of richness and money for me. Sorry people! But, if i happened to have any envious bone in my body it is, by far - so not for them!
Personality wise, I know I am better.
Ganda factors, well I let people do the talking ;)
And, if at the height of their kayabangan eh kailangan nila ng proof. Hindi kita uurungan. By all means.
Mas mayaman ako sayo - Sa kaibigan, sa pagmamahal.
At sa pera! hahaha.
God's Sense of Humor
i know my God to be a loving father. after all, everything i enjoy know happens to be the fruit of His generosity.
i know my God to be a forgiving master. i have committed my favorite sins over and over again and yet in His warm embrace i find redemption.
i know my God to be a personal Lord. He knows me inside and out, He knows my weaknesses and my strengths, and He has never failed to speak to me in a language I understand.
my God is a myriad of wonderful things, and today, He showed me that He has a wonderful sense of humor. as i was reading the prescribed scripture reading for today, i couldn't help but laugh at something i read in Proverbs 25: "If you find honey, eat just enough - too much of it, and you will vomit. Seldom set foot in your neighbor's house - too much of you and he will hate you." "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife."
and, if the first time Solomon uttered the proverb wasn't enough, a couple of verses down, it's repeated: "It is not good to eat too much honey"
yes Lord, babawasan na po ang honey.
i know my God to be a forgiving master. i have committed my favorite sins over and over again and yet in His warm embrace i find redemption.
i know my God to be a personal Lord. He knows me inside and out, He knows my weaknesses and my strengths, and He has never failed to speak to me in a language I understand.
my God is a myriad of wonderful things, and today, He showed me that He has a wonderful sense of humor. as i was reading the prescribed scripture reading for today, i couldn't help but laugh at something i read in Proverbs 25: "If you find honey, eat just enough - too much of it, and you will vomit. Seldom set foot in your neighbor's house - too much of you and he will hate you." "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife."
and, if the first time Solomon uttered the proverb wasn't enough, a couple of verses down, it's repeated: "It is not good to eat too much honey"
yes Lord, babawasan na po ang honey.
All I Need
Rosa tweeted the other day that she was listening to our anthem a few years back— “All I Need” by Jack Wagner. I tweeted back that as it turns out, all he (referring to the boy to whom the song was dedicated) needs is not just a little more time but lots and lots of time. Time which I can no longer give. Time which I cannot afford anymore to give. And time which I am no longer willing to give.
Thus ended this Bad Romance, which, incidentally is a song that at one point also belonged to him.
Bitterness is in the air. Haha.
Thus ended this Bad Romance, which, incidentally is a song that at one point also belonged to him.
Bitterness is in the air. Haha.
Senti-mentality
dear gay,
on a particularly sad day, i remember you telling me that good girls finish last. and while i remember telling you that it isn't true, there have been bazillions of times when i didn't exactly believe that myself.
since i met you in 2005, we've been through good times and bad, including liking "mitsa", buying a "special" present from rustan's, waiting for the results of your bar examinations, and countless text messages. you were the one who encouraged me to leave the mess of audting and you were instrumental in helping me leave the firm when it was time to go. so i couldn't imagine a better person to share one of the most amazing weeks of my life than you.
thank you for your encouragement, for replying to my bazillion text messages, and for listening to me go on and on and on about probably the same things over and over again ... like the window with a view! and thank you for not getting bored even though i've discussed nothing with you but the impending move, the actual move, and the first week at work. thank you for your patience and your kindness and your understanding. after all, who else will i share solsagamnida stories and issues with except for the person who made sure to look up the korean word and actually memorize it?
neither of us know what the future brings - if the weather is unpredictable as it is now, i'm sure our careers will be unpredictable as well. but if there's one thing i'm sure of, it's that your september 16 and my october 1 are both proof positive that good girls don't finish last; good girls finish in god's perfect time.
much love,
on a particularly sad day, i remember you telling me that good girls finish last. and while i remember telling you that it isn't true, there have been bazillions of times when i didn't exactly believe that myself.
since i met you in 2005, we've been through good times and bad, including liking "mitsa", buying a "special" present from rustan's, waiting for the results of your bar examinations, and countless text messages. you were the one who encouraged me to leave the mess of audting and you were instrumental in helping me leave the firm when it was time to go. so i couldn't imagine a better person to share one of the most amazing weeks of my life than you.
thank you for your encouragement, for replying to my bazillion text messages, and for listening to me go on and on and on about probably the same things over and over again ... like the window with a view! and thank you for not getting bored even though i've discussed nothing with you but the impending move, the actual move, and the first week at work. thank you for your patience and your kindness and your understanding. after all, who else will i share solsagamnida stories and issues with except for the person who made sure to look up the korean word and actually memorize it?
neither of us know what the future brings - if the weather is unpredictable as it is now, i'm sure our careers will be unpredictable as well. but if there's one thing i'm sure of, it's that your september 16 and my october 1 are both proof positive that good girls don't finish last; good girls finish in god's perfect time.
much love,
23 November 2011
Unlikely
So Demi is officially divorcing Ashton. Apparently, this news is a week old already, but because I’ve been too preoccupied with less important things (i.e. current events in local politics. Haha), I found out about it only today.
I’m not a fan of the couple or of them individually (although I saw Demi’s documentary on CNN about human trafficking and I was impressed) but I have to admit that their breakup kinda makes me sad because I was silently rooting for their marriage to work.
You see, I’m a fan of unlikely relationships. I’m a sucker for love stories about couples who weather the odds and defy social norms just to be together. Which is why it used to make me smile every time Demi would say during interviews that she wouldn’t have believed it if someone had told her when she was in her 20s that in her 40s, she would meet a 20 something guy who would say that being with her and her kids is his best blessing yet. How sweet is that, right?But then they still broke up, and it makes you wonder if unconventional relationships really have a place in this world.
I mean, I’m all for convention and it also brings me joy when friends of mine who seem perfect for each other marry and live happily ever after, but when it’s an unlikely relationship that works, it serves as a reminder to me that love does conquer all. Maybe this explains why, when it comes to matters of the heart, I always choose to take the path where there’s most resistance.
A friend pointed out to me just last night that I always tend to gravitate towards complicated bordering on impossible relationships. Well, maybe I’m abnormal this way. Or maybe there’s something in my growing up years that made me think that love always has to prove itself to me. And at the rate I’m going, I have yet to see whether love is really as powerful as they say. Right now, I’m more inclined to think that if they who lasted for eight years could still end up in such a bitter state, then maybe love can only do so much. And for all its claims that it can conquer all, cast out all fears, and move mountains (or is it prayer that can do that? Haha), it cannot save the day for unlikely relationships.
Sigh. So much for being a romantic.
I’m not a fan of the couple or of them individually (although I saw Demi’s documentary on CNN about human trafficking and I was impressed) but I have to admit that their breakup kinda makes me sad because I was silently rooting for their marriage to work.
You see, I’m a fan of unlikely relationships. I’m a sucker for love stories about couples who weather the odds and defy social norms just to be together. Which is why it used to make me smile every time Demi would say during interviews that she wouldn’t have believed it if someone had told her when she was in her 20s that in her 40s, she would meet a 20 something guy who would say that being with her and her kids is his best blessing yet. How sweet is that, right?But then they still broke up, and it makes you wonder if unconventional relationships really have a place in this world.
I mean, I’m all for convention and it also brings me joy when friends of mine who seem perfect for each other marry and live happily ever after, but when it’s an unlikely relationship that works, it serves as a reminder to me that love does conquer all. Maybe this explains why, when it comes to matters of the heart, I always choose to take the path where there’s most resistance.
A friend pointed out to me just last night that I always tend to gravitate towards complicated bordering on impossible relationships. Well, maybe I’m abnormal this way. Or maybe there’s something in my growing up years that made me think that love always has to prove itself to me. And at the rate I’m going, I have yet to see whether love is really as powerful as they say. Right now, I’m more inclined to think that if they who lasted for eight years could still end up in such a bitter state, then maybe love can only do so much. And for all its claims that it can conquer all, cast out all fears, and move mountains (or is it prayer that can do that? Haha), it cannot save the day for unlikely relationships.
Sigh. So much for being a romantic.
18 November 2011
Hit and Missed
Today, marks the day I dragged myself to take shower and go to work. And it was not even about work....it is about what happened last night.
It always pains me whenever people whom I learned to trust have failed me. These people I have welcomed into my life without any doubt and reservations. My conscience is clear - I did not in any bit done harm on them. I had always been on the look for my patience to not-to-run-out, be the understanding me....but, still they have the nerve to hurt me.
My eyes give ways to the clue on my state of being today. Starbucks boss is the only person who asked me what was wrong (though i felt the concern my finance family was), but even if he was the best/closest boss I have in my entire life, i deciDEDto keep mum. how can you tell him the ordeal that only you and your bestfriend share? you can't just give away facts about your life, even if it means suffering alone.
I am exagerrating...maybe overrating the pain Im going through. But, in all aspect of fairness and justice, those people have no single right to inflict pain on me or judge me. As I summarize the to do list : I need to do myself a favor .....let go!
Free myself from people that has been overlooking my feelings
Let go the memories that stricken out the possibility of something else.
Forgive myself for being nice. For being being stupid. For being true.
Today, i find hard able to find myself...my mind is nowhere near being into work or on reality. Can't wait for the 5:30 and be at home....sulk into crying till kingdom come. I will cry tonight as my last chance to cry. For everything. Past and present woes.
But, inspite of all the drama today, God is till good. He will be with me tonight. To get through with this. With an embrace in all of my solace and tears. Just like before.
It always pains me whenever people whom I learned to trust have failed me. These people I have welcomed into my life without any doubt and reservations. My conscience is clear - I did not in any bit done harm on them. I had always been on the look for my patience to not-to-run-out, be the understanding me....but, still they have the nerve to hurt me.
My eyes give ways to the clue on my state of being today. Starbucks boss is the only person who asked me what was wrong (though i felt the concern my finance family was), but even if he was the best/closest boss I have in my entire life, i deciDEDto keep mum. how can you tell him the ordeal that only you and your bestfriend share? you can't just give away facts about your life, even if it means suffering alone.
I am exagerrating...maybe overrating the pain Im going through. But, in all aspect of fairness and justice, those people have no single right to inflict pain on me or judge me. As I summarize the to do list : I need to do myself a favor .....let go!
Free myself from people that has been overlooking my feelings
Let go the memories that stricken out the possibility of something else.
Forgive myself for being nice. For being being stupid. For being true.
Today, i find hard able to find myself...my mind is nowhere near being into work or on reality. Can't wait for the 5:30 and be at home....sulk into crying till kingdom come. I will cry tonight as my last chance to cry. For everything. Past and present woes.
But, inspite of all the drama today, God is till good. He will be with me tonight. To get through with this. With an embrace in all of my solace and tears. Just like before.
The One That Got Away
Funny that on the same week that I had an interesting conversation with my masteral school blockmates about The One That Got Away, I learned that Katy Perry has a new song with the same title which happens to be the soundtrack of Breaking Dawn, which, as everybody knows, is a sequel of Twilight—a book/movie I associate with someone who could vie as my “The One That Got Away.” In my younger years, I would’ve gasped and said, “It’s a sign!” But then I’m not a sign seeker anymore. Which doesn’t mean, however, that I don’t appreciate the uncanny connection of events there.
Anyway, they say everyone has this person in his/her life. It could be the good friend you’ve secretly loved all these years, or that person you met as some convention with whom you had an instant connection which you never pursued, or that ex- boyfriend/girlfriend you let go only to realize that five years later, you’re still hung up on him or her and you can’t even remember anymore what really went wrong.
If you ask me, I can’t claim with conviction that there’s someone in my life that I’m ready to label as The One That Got Away. That’s either because I’ve ceased to be a hopeless romantic, or because I’m still in denial that the person I want already got away. Haha. Seriously though, I think it’s all a matter of perspective. I think it cuts both ways. I think instead of thinking that a certain person is The One That Got Away, I choose to think that I AM the one that got away. That it’s more his loss than mine. That in the bigger picture, it was also my choice as much as his that we’re not together now.
Incidentally, on my way to work this morning, the DJs on the radio station I was listening to were asking their listeners this question: What would your Facebook status be if today is the wedding day of the one that got away?
My answer to that: Who needs The One That Got Away when I can simply have The One?
Haha. Easier said, I know. Because in real life…well, in real life, I really wouldn’t know anything about finding The One.
Anyway, they say everyone has this person in his/her life. It could be the good friend you’ve secretly loved all these years, or that person you met as some convention with whom you had an instant connection which you never pursued, or that ex- boyfriend/girlfriend you let go only to realize that five years later, you’re still hung up on him or her and you can’t even remember anymore what really went wrong.
If you ask me, I can’t claim with conviction that there’s someone in my life that I’m ready to label as The One That Got Away. That’s either because I’ve ceased to be a hopeless romantic, or because I’m still in denial that the person I want already got away. Haha. Seriously though, I think it’s all a matter of perspective. I think it cuts both ways. I think instead of thinking that a certain person is The One That Got Away, I choose to think that I AM the one that got away. That it’s more his loss than mine. That in the bigger picture, it was also my choice as much as his that we’re not together now.
Incidentally, on my way to work this morning, the DJs on the radio station I was listening to were asking their listeners this question: What would your Facebook status be if today is the wedding day of the one that got away?
My answer to that: Who needs The One That Got Away when I can simply have The One?
Haha. Easier said, I know. Because in real life…well, in real life, I really wouldn’t know anything about finding The One.
17 November 2011
The Month That Was
These are the reasons why I failed to update you my dear blogspot. Excuses!Excuses!
There was too much drama in the office last month, even by my drama queen standards.
The Major Project that I have been working on since I got there was called off. This time for good, it looks like. Sigh.
I came up with yet another controversial document against Somebody Powerful, and as expected, was called in by the bosses and owners right the following day. No matter - I'm standing by the integrity of my decision.
On the bright side, I found out that one of the Big Boss called me 'so responsive and conscientious' in an email I wasn't even copied in. Which should mean she wasn't just being showbiz about it, right?
Another Big Boss surprisingly agreed with me on these issues we're facing in Another Thorny Project. It is definitely An Event when this particular boss agrees with me.
Also, this executive who has been pissing me off big time for a couple of weeks now suddenly started behaving. I guess My Strong Allies put some sense and The Fear of Unemployment into her.
And The Kind Boss emailed me on his way to the airport to thank me 'for being so tremendously helpful and responsive since the day you set foot in the office'. Owww. (It's not that I've been working so hard and suddenly transformed into Miss Eager to Please. The only reason these people are being so generous with their praises is that the former GC had Major, Major Issues about turn-around time and the quality of her output. Anyone with half a brain would have smelled good after her.)
We also launched our Most Scathing Ads Ever against this conglomerate that has been bullying us all year. Team Zaccheus finally learns to fight back, tho it was still tame and not nearly feisty enough by my standards. As a result, we have two hearings at the Ad Standards Council this week. I'd normally rather stay in the office and pretend to be busy, but this time I'm actually all psyched up for a showdown.
Of course, starbucks boss has remained my compass and the paragon of sense and ethics when everything else is descending into madness. He easily gets my point and nods within the first three sentences into my long-winded arguments. He listens to all my angst and goes out of his way to encourage me even if he must have a lot of disappointments on his own. He even admitted to making a bad call about this person, and I was like, you don't have to apologize to me, you only lead this department. He is, over all, so easy to love.
It's still definitely a happy place, dramas and all.
There was too much drama in the office last month, even by my drama queen standards.
The Major Project that I have been working on since I got there was called off. This time for good, it looks like. Sigh.
I came up with yet another controversial document against Somebody Powerful, and as expected, was called in by the bosses and owners right the following day. No matter - I'm standing by the integrity of my decision.
On the bright side, I found out that one of the Big Boss called me 'so responsive and conscientious' in an email I wasn't even copied in. Which should mean she wasn't just being showbiz about it, right?
Another Big Boss surprisingly agreed with me on these issues we're facing in Another Thorny Project. It is definitely An Event when this particular boss agrees with me.
Also, this executive who has been pissing me off big time for a couple of weeks now suddenly started behaving. I guess My Strong Allies put some sense and The Fear of Unemployment into her.
And The Kind Boss emailed me on his way to the airport to thank me 'for being so tremendously helpful and responsive since the day you set foot in the office'. Owww. (It's not that I've been working so hard and suddenly transformed into Miss Eager to Please. The only reason these people are being so generous with their praises is that the former GC had Major, Major Issues about turn-around time and the quality of her output. Anyone with half a brain would have smelled good after her.)
We also launched our Most Scathing Ads Ever against this conglomerate that has been bullying us all year. Team Zaccheus finally learns to fight back, tho it was still tame and not nearly feisty enough by my standards. As a result, we have two hearings at the Ad Standards Council this week. I'd normally rather stay in the office and pretend to be busy, but this time I'm actually all psyched up for a showdown.
Of course, starbucks boss has remained my compass and the paragon of sense and ethics when everything else is descending into madness. He easily gets my point and nods within the first three sentences into my long-winded arguments. He listens to all my angst and goes out of his way to encourage me even if he must have a lot of disappointments on his own. He even admitted to making a bad call about this person, and I was like, you don't have to apologize to me, you only lead this department. He is, over all, so easy to love.
It's still definitely a happy place, dramas and all.
iheartely
You are here, there, and everywhere all of a sudden.
I first saw you in a magazine at the salon where I had my haircut. It was a full page ad for Fully Booked, with you strumming a guitar against the backdrop of what looks like someone’s library. Fully Booked + you = culture and art and happiness all rolled into one.
And then you were on a huge billboard in EDSA on our way to SM North. And again in the Bench store.
You look all plumped up, more like the Ely of our college years than the slimmed down version in the two reunion concerts. And your hair. In that 80s wave. You are and always were and forever will be coolness and hotness combined.
Just say the word, Ely. Just one word and I’m so leaving everything behind and following you everywhere, to make you coffee or wipe your shoes or draft your talent contracts. I'll do everything and anything at all, Ely.
Just for you. Only you.
I first saw you in a magazine at the salon where I had my haircut. It was a full page ad for Fully Booked, with you strumming a guitar against the backdrop of what looks like someone’s library. Fully Booked + you = culture and art and happiness all rolled into one.
And then you were on a huge billboard in EDSA on our way to SM North. And again in the Bench store.
You look all plumped up, more like the Ely of our college years than the slimmed down version in the two reunion concerts. And your hair. In that 80s wave. You are and always were and forever will be coolness and hotness combined.
Just say the word, Ely. Just one word and I’m so leaving everything behind and following you everywhere, to make you coffee or wipe your shoes or draft your talent contracts. I'll do everything and anything at all, Ely.
Just for you. Only you.
16 November 2011
Nothing Gonna Stop Us Since.....
Bestfriend,
Today, I woke up wondering what are you doin and if you are missing me. Blame it last night for sleeping earlier than usual or the surreal feeling I have been discussing wif you vis-our-lunch-skype-time" yesterday. I am a changed girl now :) i'd like to believe. Thanks for your insights and cheers....i am now ready to be happy :) :) and in-love :P
While inside the bus, I saw "magjowa" , sending the message of - we-belong-with-each-other to people. Like those we used to see during our school days when the two of us are very much naiingit, since we dont have respective significant other. Our excuses transpired from being were just being choosy to being the person who wants to focus on studies. Lame excuses we have there dont yah think? Ten years after graduation, we are still single....hahahah.....and haven't think of the best ever excuse till.
I remember the Humanities Class 01 where you took the dare to be the Elvis Presley on one of our presentation. That was I think 2 months after the class started, and as for the snobished-me, it was the first time i got to notice you - the funny and free-spirited you. I was the one who approached you then - you were surprised right im sure , and because you had long been wanting to be friends with me while all i can do is ignore you .....you splurge into treating us to McDonalds :) that very day. It was the first day....and thousands of days follows;
You were present on almost every important turns of my life. That time i run for a seat, the first time my work was published, the scholarship grants, the thesis and all projects i have to painfully defend. It was you I had shared with my first salary treat :) , the person i have made kwento of the things confidential and too personal. You are the best listener one could ever have.....and as for the airtime I always need - a starbucks mocha frapp is enough. Could i ever thank you enough?
On my first date, you were there to send me to the resto. feeling like a big bro - you told me that the guy i will be dating was a waste of time. you actually and truly does not like him i know. look what happened for not listening to you...hahahaha! And for the love affair I am into now - i appreciate you acknowledging me being happy. And as for the future mishaps (knock on the wood) please prepare tons of tissues for me and set aside a night of two for me to share my woes. I appreciate your being strict yet allowing me to act as an adult. And even if I can't even assured myself that what im doing is right (feelings maybe) you never judged me. You always regard me as the senseful person albeit cluelessness in love.
All the travel outside Manila and Batangas was a hit when it is with you. I treasured all the Naga to Legazpi road trips, plus all the native bags and pili nuts shopping. The Dagupan trips just to buy my favorite puto and your bagoong. The Baguio adventure, tho you are suffering wif fever...had to accompany your bestfriend on her audit works. We enjoyed Cebu and its famous lechon like its our last day to be alive. And the thousand times you accompany me to sleep in the hotel when i had to travel alone. You were my best travel buddy indeed!
And how can I not love you...how worried you are for not being there wif me in Davao when the "monster" tried to threat me with his presence, the court hearings i have to attend to for being the good auditor., the everyday call when the "plot-against-me" was being laid-off reminding me that it's not the world going against me since I still have you who believed in me. How i wish you are still here with me in just a call whenever i miss you.
And now, that we should be acting like adults, when we have our own little Lorie and Malkiel, when people sees us as successful person ( idontknowhowtheycomeupwiththat) i still needs you more than you needs me.Just like last night, whenever im into the extreme of my emotion - id always like to share it with you. My heartaches, my success...and even the shallow story of why i called Gary "starbucks boss" or when i found a best bargain out of my shopping spree vice.
How can someone thank someone - for being an ultimate knight all through out? For being my pretend-bf all four years of school days :P, and for all the free rides going out and coming to Batangas whenever im having this stupid sumpong of not liking to take the public trasport. Minsan mas feeling mayaman pa ako kesa sayo. Kc anjan ka, at si Spike ang BM na puno ng kalat hahaah...
Ang hirap maging senti. Nakakaiyak.
Forty plus days and its Christmas. I cant think of a gift to buy for you actually. So I promised to draft the poem you are insisting me to do. I dont mind the prize, just knowing you are there cheering up makes me a winner.
Thank you Malk. But i know it isn't enough.
Today, I woke up wondering what are you doin and if you are missing me. Blame it last night for sleeping earlier than usual or the surreal feeling I have been discussing wif you vis-our-lunch-skype-time" yesterday. I am a changed girl now :) i'd like to believe. Thanks for your insights and cheers....i am now ready to be happy :) :) and in-love :P
While inside the bus, I saw "magjowa" , sending the message of - we-belong-with-each-other to people. Like those we used to see during our school days when the two of us are very much naiingit, since we dont have respective significant other. Our excuses transpired from being were just being choosy to being the person who wants to focus on studies. Lame excuses we have there dont yah think? Ten years after graduation, we are still single....hahahah.....and haven't think of the best ever excuse till.
I remember the Humanities Class 01 where you took the dare to be the Elvis Presley on one of our presentation. That was I think 2 months after the class started, and as for the snobished-me, it was the first time i got to notice you - the funny and free-spirited you. I was the one who approached you then - you were surprised right im sure , and because you had long been wanting to be friends with me while all i can do is ignore you .....you splurge into treating us to McDonalds :) that very day. It was the first day....and thousands of days follows;
You were present on almost every important turns of my life. That time i run for a seat, the first time my work was published, the scholarship grants, the thesis and all projects i have to painfully defend. It was you I had shared with my first salary treat :) , the person i have made kwento of the things confidential and too personal. You are the best listener one could ever have.....and as for the airtime I always need - a starbucks mocha frapp is enough. Could i ever thank you enough?
On my first date, you were there to send me to the resto. feeling like a big bro - you told me that the guy i will be dating was a waste of time. you actually and truly does not like him i know. look what happened for not listening to you...hahahaha! And for the love affair I am into now - i appreciate you acknowledging me being happy. And as for the future mishaps (knock on the wood) please prepare tons of tissues for me and set aside a night of two for me to share my woes. I appreciate your being strict yet allowing me to act as an adult. And even if I can't even assured myself that what im doing is right (feelings maybe) you never judged me. You always regard me as the senseful person albeit cluelessness in love.
All the travel outside Manila and Batangas was a hit when it is with you. I treasured all the Naga to Legazpi road trips, plus all the native bags and pili nuts shopping. The Dagupan trips just to buy my favorite puto and your bagoong. The Baguio adventure, tho you are suffering wif fever...had to accompany your bestfriend on her audit works. We enjoyed Cebu and its famous lechon like its our last day to be alive. And the thousand times you accompany me to sleep in the hotel when i had to travel alone. You were my best travel buddy indeed!
And how can I not love you...how worried you are for not being there wif me in Davao when the "monster" tried to threat me with his presence, the court hearings i have to attend to for being the good auditor., the everyday call when the "plot-against-me" was being laid-off reminding me that it's not the world going against me since I still have you who believed in me. How i wish you are still here with me in just a call whenever i miss you.
And now, that we should be acting like adults, when we have our own little Lorie and Malkiel, when people sees us as successful person ( idontknowhowtheycomeupwiththat) i still needs you more than you needs me.Just like last night, whenever im into the extreme of my emotion - id always like to share it with you. My heartaches, my success...and even the shallow story of why i called Gary "starbucks boss" or when i found a best bargain out of my shopping spree vice.
How can someone thank someone - for being an ultimate knight all through out? For being my pretend-bf all four years of school days :P, and for all the free rides going out and coming to Batangas whenever im having this stupid sumpong of not liking to take the public trasport. Minsan mas feeling mayaman pa ako kesa sayo. Kc anjan ka, at si Spike ang BM na puno ng kalat hahaah...
Ang hirap maging senti. Nakakaiyak.
Forty plus days and its Christmas. I cant think of a gift to buy for you actually. So I promised to draft the poem you are insisting me to do. I dont mind the prize, just knowing you are there cheering up makes me a winner.
Thank you Malk. But i know it isn't enough.
23 July 2011
Magmahal Muli...ang syang magagawa
Umaasang magmamahal muli
Ang buong akala ko’y siya na
Kabiguan ang napala
Paghilom ng puso’y hindi madali
Ang malamang mahal mo’y
Walang pag ibig sayo
Ang umasang magmahal muli
Siyang magagawa
Huwag hanapin ang pag-ibig
Ito’y darating
Ito’y darating
Ito’y darating sayo
Hanggang sa tayo’y matuto
Sa kabiguan natamo
Kaya ako ay maghihintay
Sa tunay kong mahal
Isipin ang bukas at kalimutan ang nakalipas
Ang umasang magmahal muli
Siyang magagawa
Huwag hanapin ang pag-ibig
Ito’y darating sayo
Aking naranasan
Ohhhhhhh
Ang pagluha ng tulad sa ulan
Ang umasang magmamahal muli
Siyang magagawa
Huwag hanapin ang pag ibig
Ito’y darating
Ang umasang magmamahal muli
Siyang magagawa
Huwag hanapin ang pag ibig
Ito’y darating
Ito’y darating
Ito’y darating sayo
Ohhhhhhh ..ito’y darating sayo
Ang buong akala ko’y siya na
Kabiguan ang napala
Paghilom ng puso’y hindi madali
Ang malamang mahal mo’y
Walang pag ibig sayo
Ang umasang magmahal muli
Siyang magagawa
Huwag hanapin ang pag-ibig
Ito’y darating
Ito’y darating
Ito’y darating sayo
Hanggang sa tayo’y matuto
Sa kabiguan natamo
Kaya ako ay maghihintay
Sa tunay kong mahal
Isipin ang bukas at kalimutan ang nakalipas
Ang umasang magmahal muli
Siyang magagawa
Huwag hanapin ang pag-ibig
Ito’y darating sayo
Aking naranasan
Ohhhhhhh
Ang pagluha ng tulad sa ulan
Ang umasang magmamahal muli
Siyang magagawa
Huwag hanapin ang pag ibig
Ito’y darating
Ang umasang magmamahal muli
Siyang magagawa
Huwag hanapin ang pag ibig
Ito’y darating
Ito’y darating
Ito’y darating sayo
Ohhhhhhh ..ito’y darating sayo
22 July 2011
Clarasm0m Pleads Not Guilty
For some reasons, I don’t feel guilty, I mean, at all, with what happened. In the first place, I did not do or say anything wrong to ruin their relationship. It was not me who put everything in jeopardy, it was him, because he lied. Okay, if tagging him in my Facebook status was a mistake, then I’d say it was the most honest mistake I’ve ever done in my life. See, the problem is, you go out with your friends and you leave your partner clueless wherever in hell you’re going, and then you expect him to be “happy” when he finds out you lied and you weren’t really home? And since you can’t find anyone to blame but yourself, you blame other people who just want to tell the world via Facebook, that he was happy hanging out with you that night. It’s your mess, not mine, so you fix it yourself. I’m your friend and you can trust in me, I’ve told you that too many times before, but if you think what I did was wrong, go ahead and be mad at me. But I’m telling you, not a single wink of nerve in my body is guilty.
M.U. Tayo?
M.U. Tayo…
Pero huwag kang masyado mag-expect dahil wala tayong commitment.
Pwede kang magselos at pwede kang magtampo pero hindi ka pwedeng magalit.
Pwede kang makipag-date sa iba pero hindi kailangan na magpaalam pa.
Pwede mo akong lambingin, pwedeng-pwedeng yakapin.
Tapos kapag nalaman mong may partner na ako, pwede ka umiyak, pwede kang masaktan…
…pero hindi mo ako pwede sumbatan dahil wala kang karapatan.
Game?!
Pero huwag kang masyado mag-expect dahil wala tayong commitment.
Pwede kang magselos at pwede kang magtampo pero hindi ka pwedeng magalit.
Pwede kang makipag-date sa iba pero hindi kailangan na magpaalam pa.
Pwede mo akong lambingin, pwedeng-pwedeng yakapin.
Tapos kapag nalaman mong may partner na ako, pwede ka umiyak, pwede kang masaktan…
…pero hindi mo ako pwede sumbatan dahil wala kang karapatan.
Game?!
Bed
I had very few emotions left to share. Not many I suppose will lend an ear; so much more, a shoulder. For most of these “people” I’ve met had shared their BEDS instead. No drama, they say, until they fall eventually giving me enough drama I couldn’t I handle I have to go elsewhere. I myself had enough conflicts in my life that I’m already sick of it. Use me and I’ll use you. Love me? Then love me as I am. Leave if not, and never ever try to comeback.
Golden Rule
Sabi nila – Do not do unto others what you don’t want others do unto you. But can you help it? Honestly, I can’t. Ayaw kong sinasaktan ako pero sa mga “hindi inaasahang pagkakataon”, may nasasaktan akong mga tao.
Mga “hindi inaasahang pagkakataon” can be difined as: “gusto ka niya pero ayaw mo siya. at kahit na pilitin mong gustuhin siya ay ayaw talagang pumayag ng utak at puso mo kaya ang tendency ay iwanan mo sya, layuan, huwag pansinin at kalimutan na lang”.
At the end of the day, alam mong ginawa mo lang ang dapat mong gawin pero nagi-guilty ka dahil alam mong nakasakit ka. Alam mong habang “nabunutan-ka-ng tinik-what-a-relief” ang drama mo, may isang taong nagmumukmok sa sulok ng kanyang kwarto at iniiyakan ka dahil hindi pwedeng mangyari ang mga bagay na inaasahan niyang mangyari para sa inyong dalawa. Mahirap di ba?
Kaya naman may palaging bumubulong na demonyo sa kaliwang tenga mo na nagsasabing “may araw ka rin, kakarmahin ka dahil sa ginawa mo sa kanya. hindi ka patatahimikin ng konsensya mo dahil sobrang sakit ng ginawa mosa kanya. lintik lang ang walang ganti”
Ikaw naman, kakabahan ka. Shet, it’s not my intention to hurt him/her. I was just being honest and truthful to my feelings. If that’s a crime, go on and punish me. Labo!
Yun lang. Yun lang naman.
Mga “hindi inaasahang pagkakataon” can be difined as: “gusto ka niya pero ayaw mo siya. at kahit na pilitin mong gustuhin siya ay ayaw talagang pumayag ng utak at puso mo kaya ang tendency ay iwanan mo sya, layuan, huwag pansinin at kalimutan na lang”.
At the end of the day, alam mong ginawa mo lang ang dapat mong gawin pero nagi-guilty ka dahil alam mong nakasakit ka. Alam mong habang “nabunutan-ka-ng tinik-what-a-relief” ang drama mo, may isang taong nagmumukmok sa sulok ng kanyang kwarto at iniiyakan ka dahil hindi pwedeng mangyari ang mga bagay na inaasahan niyang mangyari para sa inyong dalawa. Mahirap di ba?
Kaya naman may palaging bumubulong na demonyo sa kaliwang tenga mo na nagsasabing “may araw ka rin, kakarmahin ka dahil sa ginawa mo sa kanya. hindi ka patatahimikin ng konsensya mo dahil sobrang sakit ng ginawa mosa kanya. lintik lang ang walang ganti”
Ikaw naman, kakabahan ka. Shet, it’s not my intention to hurt him/her. I was just being honest and truthful to my feelings. If that’s a crime, go on and punish me. Labo!
Yun lang. Yun lang naman.
Shield me from Pain
Whenever there is a friend who seeks advice petaining to issues of the heart, i quickly transform into a Doctor-Love most of the time. It is as if i am an expert on this department. A pretend person who wont be shaken by a mere "love problem". And most of the time, i would lead them believe on my advices albeit those were just sourced out from the books i read. Swabe!
Though i always failed when it comes to one option "You have learn to protect yourself from pain". Because i am the kind of soul, who whenever i smell any tiny sign that i'll just be hurt, my world automatically put up its wall between my fantasy and real world. In that way, i can pevent any calamity that could occur. Like what they say, "prevention is better than cure"
Halimbawa na lang. Sa isang sitwasyong may nakilala akong isang tao. Syempre sa umpisa ay pakikiramdaman ko muna kung may spark. Pag meron ay maaari ko itong ituloy-tuloy sa isang magandang pakikisama. Kapag nahulog na kasi ang loob ko sa isang tao, may tendency akong maging possessive at seloso – in a cute way naman. Hindi ko pinapakita o ipinahahalata. At wala din akong pinagsasabihan. In short, kinikimkim ko ang sama ng loob ko. In the same manner, sobra din akong magbigay ng pagmamahal. Hindi ako nagtitira para sa sarili ko. Kaya naman ang gusto ko eh patas lang din ang ibibigay sa akin. Kahit hindi sobra basta patas, totoo at walang pagaalinlangan. Sakto ba. Kaya kapag nakaramdam ako ng kahit konting sabit lang sa isang tao at sa bandang huli ay alam kong masasaktan lang ako, automatic na nag-a-adjust ang aking sistema para maiwasan ko ang maipit sa isang sitwasyong hindi ko gusto.
The possible things i would do are:
1. Keep distance.
2. Keep more distance.
3. When worst comes to worst, just disappear.
This is the best possible way to shield myself from any hurt ache before it can transpired. I care less if i could hurt the other person, what is important is my own happiness. Each day would pass quickly without notice if i wake up each morning without stuff linking my memory to him. and, probably - it wont take long and i will recover. all the fears will die together with the feelings.
Then i will ressurect.
I know that at one point i am selfish. this trait isnt something to rejoice about. and honestly, at one corner of my heart, i still believe that when you love, love without condition, without boundaries, without restrictions. call me names, its alright. i am selfish? then be it! i just dont like to expose myself from hurt, who would want right? maybe this is brought by all the painful experiences from the past. Let's just say I've learned my lessons and I'm not gonna fall for the same mistake again.
thats why im here, now — still single.
Though i always failed when it comes to one option "You have learn to protect yourself from pain". Because i am the kind of soul, who whenever i smell any tiny sign that i'll just be hurt, my world automatically put up its wall between my fantasy and real world. In that way, i can pevent any calamity that could occur. Like what they say, "prevention is better than cure"
Halimbawa na lang. Sa isang sitwasyong may nakilala akong isang tao. Syempre sa umpisa ay pakikiramdaman ko muna kung may spark. Pag meron ay maaari ko itong ituloy-tuloy sa isang magandang pakikisama. Kapag nahulog na kasi ang loob ko sa isang tao, may tendency akong maging possessive at seloso – in a cute way naman. Hindi ko pinapakita o ipinahahalata. At wala din akong pinagsasabihan. In short, kinikimkim ko ang sama ng loob ko. In the same manner, sobra din akong magbigay ng pagmamahal. Hindi ako nagtitira para sa sarili ko. Kaya naman ang gusto ko eh patas lang din ang ibibigay sa akin. Kahit hindi sobra basta patas, totoo at walang pagaalinlangan. Sakto ba. Kaya kapag nakaramdam ako ng kahit konting sabit lang sa isang tao at sa bandang huli ay alam kong masasaktan lang ako, automatic na nag-a-adjust ang aking sistema para maiwasan ko ang maipit sa isang sitwasyong hindi ko gusto.
The possible things i would do are:
1. Keep distance.
2. Keep more distance.
3. When worst comes to worst, just disappear.
This is the best possible way to shield myself from any hurt ache before it can transpired. I care less if i could hurt the other person, what is important is my own happiness. Each day would pass quickly without notice if i wake up each morning without stuff linking my memory to him. and, probably - it wont take long and i will recover. all the fears will die together with the feelings.
Then i will ressurect.
I know that at one point i am selfish. this trait isnt something to rejoice about. and honestly, at one corner of my heart, i still believe that when you love, love without condition, without boundaries, without restrictions. call me names, its alright. i am selfish? then be it! i just dont like to expose myself from hurt, who would want right? maybe this is brought by all the painful experiences from the past. Let's just say I've learned my lessons and I'm not gonna fall for the same mistake again.
thats why im here, now — still single.
19 July 2011
Confession of A Bride Wanna Be
basking in the joy that can only come with finding a new love, my friend has been tweeting "two less lonely people in the world" almost daily for more than a month now. and while someone else's luck in the love department usually has this way of highlighting how utterly alone i am, i'd like to think that i love this particular friend so dearly, and has been witness to so much of his own heartaches and frustrations in the heart department that i couldn't help but cheer him along each step of the way.
it's crazy how when i was in college, i never expected to be 29 and single, and with no prospects in sight. i can't help but remember how in this interview, a prospective boss asked me if i had plans of getting married and my answer was, "not in the immediate future." i'm beginning to think that me, the girl who dated with a vengeance in college is truly meant to live the single life.
so, as i was on my way home last night with a couple of friends, i pathetically (because really, it was!) warbled, "one less lonely person in the world," and when asked to explain, i reasoned that with acceptance comes peace. i'd like to believe that i had come to terms that should i have been designated by God to be single for the rest of my life, and i'm fairly okay with it. of course, i knew i'd probably miss out on certain aspects of my fantasy life, but how can you "miss out" on a life you never had, right?
and ironically, the pseudo-relationships i've had in the past couple of years has left me pretty much frustrated and wanting out within a week after a while. i get frustrated with the roller coaster of emotions, and am torn between being used to doing things for myself by myself and the desire to finally share things with someone. just this week, a friend "introduced" me to his friend and while we haven't officially met yet (it's your good old fashioned -- well not so old fashioned -- textmate. oooh, the shame just kills me!), i'm getting slightly exhausted when he turns into this pretend-whiny person and texts me "huhuhu" when i'm just too busy to reply. clearly, i'm not 18 anymore, and at the end of the day, it's not romance that i'm craving for (although flowers and presents still get to me! haha) but stability, reliability, maturity, and friendship.
yes, there, i've said it. if i were going to get myself a happily ever after, it's going to have to be with someone who i know inside out, someone who i can stand in spite of, say, my dislike for the slacks-and-rubbershoes combo. someone who i would proudly introduce to my family and friends even if i very well know that this person's looks will illicit raised eyebrows. it'll have to be someone who i respect, someone whose judgment i trust, the first person i'd call when something great happens, and the person i know who'd be there if i got into a major accident. it would have to be a good friend.
and, much unlike the lyrics of the song, we're not going to be two less lonely people in the world, cause we were never lonely to begin with. we were complete without each other to begin with. and it's not like we're going to be saying "i just can't believe you're mine" because it's going to be believable because it's a decision made not only with our hearts but also with our minds.
don't hold your breath though, cause i'm not holding mine.
it's crazy how when i was in college, i never expected to be 29 and single, and with no prospects in sight. i can't help but remember how in this interview, a prospective boss asked me if i had plans of getting married and my answer was, "not in the immediate future." i'm beginning to think that me, the girl who dated with a vengeance in college is truly meant to live the single life.
so, as i was on my way home last night with a couple of friends, i pathetically (because really, it was!) warbled, "one less lonely person in the world," and when asked to explain, i reasoned that with acceptance comes peace. i'd like to believe that i had come to terms that should i have been designated by God to be single for the rest of my life, and i'm fairly okay with it. of course, i knew i'd probably miss out on certain aspects of my fantasy life, but how can you "miss out" on a life you never had, right?
and ironically, the pseudo-relationships i've had in the past couple of years has left me pretty much frustrated and wanting out within a week after a while. i get frustrated with the roller coaster of emotions, and am torn between being used to doing things for myself by myself and the desire to finally share things with someone. just this week, a friend "introduced" me to his friend and while we haven't officially met yet (it's your good old fashioned -- well not so old fashioned -- textmate. oooh, the shame just kills me!), i'm getting slightly exhausted when he turns into this pretend-whiny person and texts me "huhuhu" when i'm just too busy to reply. clearly, i'm not 18 anymore, and at the end of the day, it's not romance that i'm craving for (although flowers and presents still get to me! haha) but stability, reliability, maturity, and friendship.
yes, there, i've said it. if i were going to get myself a happily ever after, it's going to have to be with someone who i know inside out, someone who i can stand in spite of, say, my dislike for the slacks-and-rubbershoes combo. someone who i would proudly introduce to my family and friends even if i very well know that this person's looks will illicit raised eyebrows. it'll have to be someone who i respect, someone whose judgment i trust, the first person i'd call when something great happens, and the person i know who'd be there if i got into a major accident. it would have to be a good friend.
and, much unlike the lyrics of the song, we're not going to be two less lonely people in the world, cause we were never lonely to begin with. we were complete without each other to begin with. and it's not like we're going to be saying "i just can't believe you're mine" because it's going to be believable because it's a decision made not only with our hearts but also with our minds.
don't hold your breath though, cause i'm not holding mine.
12 July 2011
My Fault
Thank You God.
I have been feeling down lately and I can’t explain reasons.
My career is soaring high – I mean what was with the promotion within four months in the company, having a nice and bright boss, colleagues who care less about your personal issues and free lunch meal J. Add to that is the offer of grant for a Graduate School Studies in NUS and a sure 5 year contract to US. What more can you ask for?
My daughter is well, very well. She’s been healthy all through these years and I am thankful. At this point, that she’s two – she can actually comprehend essence of your talks and what’s not! She can draw shapes and recognize each colors. She know how to count 1 to 20 – though being confused which comes first with 16 and 17 :P.
At two, she can ask her mommy how was my day, and if I have money to buy for her a “white watches”. She will narrate what she did the whole day that passed and would tell me candidly whenever she’s not in the mood to talk to me. She is so adorable – of course.
My family are ok. My parents are busy taking care of Clara and are free from worrying anything. My sisters are waiting for a good offer overseas and might leave the country soon. My other sister’s family is well, having plans of constructing their house soon. And my adorable niece are still healthy , sooo cute and now both schooling.
My finances is catching up. Investing some for our future. Some left over will be for occasional shopping – a bonding between Love and Marie ( my roommates )
My health, other than being chubby ( and cute :p ) is absolutely sound.
My spiritual life has been unchanged since – acknowledging Someone So Powerful Up in Heaven.
Then why im sad?
Maybe I just expect more than I should. My wrong.
I have been feeling down lately and I can’t explain reasons.
My career is soaring high – I mean what was with the promotion within four months in the company, having a nice and bright boss, colleagues who care less about your personal issues and free lunch meal J. Add to that is the offer of grant for a Graduate School Studies in NUS and a sure 5 year contract to US. What more can you ask for?
My daughter is well, very well. She’s been healthy all through these years and I am thankful. At this point, that she’s two – she can actually comprehend essence of your talks and what’s not! She can draw shapes and recognize each colors. She know how to count 1 to 20 – though being confused which comes first with 16 and 17 :P.
At two, she can ask her mommy how was my day, and if I have money to buy for her a “white watches”. She will narrate what she did the whole day that passed and would tell me candidly whenever she’s not in the mood to talk to me. She is so adorable – of course.
My family are ok. My parents are busy taking care of Clara and are free from worrying anything. My sisters are waiting for a good offer overseas and might leave the country soon. My other sister’s family is well, having plans of constructing their house soon. And my adorable niece are still healthy , sooo cute and now both schooling.
My finances is catching up. Investing some for our future. Some left over will be for occasional shopping – a bonding between Love and Marie ( my roommates )
My health, other than being chubby ( and cute :p ) is absolutely sound.
My spiritual life has been unchanged since – acknowledging Someone So Powerful Up in Heaven.
Then why im sad?
Maybe I just expect more than I should. My wrong.
11 July 2011
Grunt
So what this blog about?
It’s about how hurt I was after I discovered that all the doubts inside my heart are true.I have been generous in giving (you) benefit of the doubt. I believed I was the extra nice me when its about issues concerning (you). I believed I have been the extra understanding me when it comes to (your) plight – of discerning how things cant be the normal.I believed I had been extra giver – not on things but of love. I believed I have tried to be extra content that I learn to settle on things and time you can offer. I believe I have been extra sympathetic – listening with your stories and absolutely abstaining in judging you and the people involved.
Is it my fault to be extra extra better me?
So why do you still have to lie? When fact is – nothing calls for you to do that!
So why you do you still needs to make up stories? – when fact is – I don’t even demand an excuse.
Things could be better – had you just keep mum. Had you consider being honest, not by telling me the truth but by abstaining make-up stories. I was sticking with you, not because of material things you have. Did I ever asked you to offer me things? Did I ever insinuate that I want you to buy some things for me? No right?
I went thro life the hard way… I don’t need anybody to make my life a bed of rose. I know how to earn my own living. and I am capable of making my own heaven. I don’t need you or anybody to sustain me.
I had a high regard to you. I have respected you more than a person should. I have cared for you more than I have cared a friend. I have trusted that you will not hurt me – but you failed.
Why?
Does it make you a better person? Does it make you feel better knowing you had set me to look like stupid? Does it make you happy leading me believed with your lies? Will it ads valor?
If it made you a better person – im sorry I don’t think I still want to be an accessory.
You don’t need to say sorry. I believe you are not.
It’s about how hurt I was after I discovered that all the doubts inside my heart are true.I have been generous in giving (you) benefit of the doubt. I believed I was the extra nice me when its about issues concerning (you). I believed I have been the extra understanding me when it comes to (your) plight – of discerning how things cant be the normal.I believed I had been extra giver – not on things but of love. I believed I have tried to be extra content that I learn to settle on things and time you can offer. I believe I have been extra sympathetic – listening with your stories and absolutely abstaining in judging you and the people involved.
Is it my fault to be extra extra better me?
So why do you still have to lie? When fact is – nothing calls for you to do that!
So why you do you still needs to make up stories? – when fact is – I don’t even demand an excuse.
Things could be better – had you just keep mum. Had you consider being honest, not by telling me the truth but by abstaining make-up stories. I was sticking with you, not because of material things you have. Did I ever asked you to offer me things? Did I ever insinuate that I want you to buy some things for me? No right?
I went thro life the hard way… I don’t need anybody to make my life a bed of rose. I know how to earn my own living. and I am capable of making my own heaven. I don’t need you or anybody to sustain me.
I had a high regard to you. I have respected you more than a person should. I have cared for you more than I have cared a friend. I have trusted that you will not hurt me – but you failed.
Why?
Does it make you a better person? Does it make you feel better knowing you had set me to look like stupid? Does it make you happy leading me believed with your lies? Will it ads valor?
If it made you a better person – im sorry I don’t think I still want to be an accessory.
You don’t need to say sorry. I believe you are not.
07 July 2011
publicity
Dear Self,
You are running out of patience, is it?
Wow, it seems that planets alignment have been disrupted lately, if we will connect my reactions on how i used to. given, there will always be people who will lift you up, tho more would try to pull you down. our world is sooo full of monsters - hiding behind faces.
what happened is that this certain girl will always sneak preview what my statuses in facebook. she is a critic wearing an avid fan shirt. she would know when i am happy, when i am sad, when im broken hearted and when im broke. she would know who i am with and who i have not seen for years. she's a stalker! and she is a pretend friend.
so why do i allow her to access my wall? it's simple us pressing the unfriend botton right? nope of course! doing so will somehow alleviate her suffering - you see checking my wall is the only thing she is busy wif, that all she does (sorry to say this...) career woman she's not. and she has all the time in the world to make gossip about people, the victim? me and my sister ..grrrr
respect begets respect thats one of the lesson my parents would reiterate every now and then. so when i tried to respect people i somehow expect they would do the same. and when im bitching wif someone, i wont be hurt if they'd bitched me up too. this is an action-reaction world - and i believe on that : )
what was so intriguing about me? and my sister perhaps? we are both so ordinary people, trying hard to survive the everyday test of life. my sister - to support her own family, and me to support my parent and daughter. nothing so fantabulous. nothing extra-ordinary!
if i were her, i would just do the best i can for my family. my business is mine only! if i want to bitch with several guys, then whats the issue?? each has his/her own right to direct their lives the way they wanted it to be. it's not because you are doing something in the dark means everyone is practising the same cult! darn hobby! and my sister? even if she's facing financial struggles - then whats thing to worry? will you give her a cent if she ask you for help?
one thing i know, gossip cant harm me, but your envy might kill you!
You are running out of patience, is it?
Wow, it seems that planets alignment have been disrupted lately, if we will connect my reactions on how i used to. given, there will always be people who will lift you up, tho more would try to pull you down. our world is sooo full of monsters - hiding behind faces.
what happened is that this certain girl will always sneak preview what my statuses in facebook. she is a critic wearing an avid fan shirt. she would know when i am happy, when i am sad, when im broken hearted and when im broke. she would know who i am with and who i have not seen for years. she's a stalker! and she is a pretend friend.
so why do i allow her to access my wall? it's simple us pressing the unfriend botton right? nope of course! doing so will somehow alleviate her suffering - you see checking my wall is the only thing she is busy wif, that all she does (sorry to say this...) career woman she's not. and she has all the time in the world to make gossip about people, the victim? me and my sister ..grrrr
respect begets respect thats one of the lesson my parents would reiterate every now and then. so when i tried to respect people i somehow expect they would do the same. and when im bitching wif someone, i wont be hurt if they'd bitched me up too. this is an action-reaction world - and i believe on that : )
what was so intriguing about me? and my sister perhaps? we are both so ordinary people, trying hard to survive the everyday test of life. my sister - to support her own family, and me to support my parent and daughter. nothing so fantabulous. nothing extra-ordinary!
if i were her, i would just do the best i can for my family. my business is mine only! if i want to bitch with several guys, then whats the issue?? each has his/her own right to direct their lives the way they wanted it to be. it's not because you are doing something in the dark means everyone is practising the same cult! darn hobby! and my sister? even if she's facing financial struggles - then whats thing to worry? will you give her a cent if she ask you for help?
one thing i know, gossip cant harm me, but your envy might kill you!
06 July 2011
tOO late
Note : this never happened, just remember someone i met before...the feeling is real :(
I was waiting for my bus one busy night. I decided to stand still under a loading area along Ayala Avenue holding the strap of my backpack. I joined other strangers waiting for their own rides. Just like me, we were all waiting for our time to finally get the ride we want and go home safely.
Though I had the choice to take any bus that would arrive earlier that my bus, I decided to wait for my bus. There is nothing special in my bus. It was the same with other buses that pass along Makati and EDSA every day and every night. Nevertheless, it has become an apple of my eye. Feeling comfortable and relax I guess which made me decide to choose to have a ride on it every time I go home.
Then all of a sudden my attention was taken by other bus. It was my first time to see that kind of bus. It was so brand new, colorful and catchy in the eyes. I bet the seats were also cool and comfortable inside. As I checked on it, it passed by me and suddenly stopped away from me. I ran and tried to get in. I couldn’t wait for my bus anymore; this one would be fine for me.
As I get near to the cool and catchy looking bus, it suddenly closed its door and started to move on. Boy, I should have been inside the bus in a couple of seconds more. But to my dismay, the conductor decided to shut the door and never looked back for me.
Catching my breath, I then saw another bus coming in. It was a familiar bus.
It was my bus, the one I was waiting for!
Finally it arrived. Deep inside I was so happy, excited and finally glad I could be home any moment now.
However, I never liked what happened next, it never stopped for me. It only stopped to the other guy waiting in the loading area. I ran as fast as I could, just to grab a seat inside my favorite bus while it halted on a red light. I was so confident to make it before the red light turned to green.
But I was wrong. I was too late. I was still far from the door of my bus when the light turned to green.
I was late…
way too late.
I was waiting for my bus one busy night. I decided to stand still under a loading area along Ayala Avenue holding the strap of my backpack. I joined other strangers waiting for their own rides. Just like me, we were all waiting for our time to finally get the ride we want and go home safely.
Though I had the choice to take any bus that would arrive earlier that my bus, I decided to wait for my bus. There is nothing special in my bus. It was the same with other buses that pass along Makati and EDSA every day and every night. Nevertheless, it has become an apple of my eye. Feeling comfortable and relax I guess which made me decide to choose to have a ride on it every time I go home.
Then all of a sudden my attention was taken by other bus. It was my first time to see that kind of bus. It was so brand new, colorful and catchy in the eyes. I bet the seats were also cool and comfortable inside. As I checked on it, it passed by me and suddenly stopped away from me. I ran and tried to get in. I couldn’t wait for my bus anymore; this one would be fine for me.
As I get near to the cool and catchy looking bus, it suddenly closed its door and started to move on. Boy, I should have been inside the bus in a couple of seconds more. But to my dismay, the conductor decided to shut the door and never looked back for me.
Catching my breath, I then saw another bus coming in. It was a familiar bus.
It was my bus, the one I was waiting for!
Finally it arrived. Deep inside I was so happy, excited and finally glad I could be home any moment now.
However, I never liked what happened next, it never stopped for me. It only stopped to the other guy waiting in the loading area. I ran as fast as I could, just to grab a seat inside my favorite bus while it halted on a red light. I was so confident to make it before the red light turned to green.
But I was wrong. I was too late. I was still far from the door of my bus when the light turned to green.
I was late…
way too late.
Take A Break
We all have our own respective hats to wear in life. Our hats symbolize the profession we have chosen, the kind of job we take that gives meaning to our existence. Each working day we wear our hats either with dignity and pride or with doubts and regrets. At the end of the day it is not the circumstances in life that bestow the kind of hats we wear- it is us. We made the choice.
Some of us wear multiple hats- with different reasons and purposes. They love the diversity of working on different arenas and the challenges their hats offered. There are people who work during the day and study at night. Some are on call for 24 –hour shift and still find time to be all-around parents in between. Some are artists who keeps on trying to taste different fields. While still others have multiple works in a week- full time corporate employee during the day, part-time worker after office hours and a freelancer during the weekend. Different hats, different stories.
No matter what kind of hats we wear or the number of hats we possess, we still yearn for one thing- the time to take off our hats. We covet for that short precious moment away from our work. Come to think of it if our jobs or the things we do are like our hats which are detachable on our tops then what hinders us to take out the things we do in our cycle even for just a moment?
Give time to recuperate from bumps and crumps of whatever things you do.
Take off your hat.
Have a break.
Some of us wear multiple hats- with different reasons and purposes. They love the diversity of working on different arenas and the challenges their hats offered. There are people who work during the day and study at night. Some are on call for 24 –hour shift and still find time to be all-around parents in between. Some are artists who keeps on trying to taste different fields. While still others have multiple works in a week- full time corporate employee during the day, part-time worker after office hours and a freelancer during the weekend. Different hats, different stories.
No matter what kind of hats we wear or the number of hats we possess, we still yearn for one thing- the time to take off our hats. We covet for that short precious moment away from our work. Come to think of it if our jobs or the things we do are like our hats which are detachable on our tops then what hinders us to take out the things we do in our cycle even for just a moment?
Give time to recuperate from bumps and crumps of whatever things you do.
Take off your hat.
Have a break.
04 July 2011
cant smile without you
smile,
I look at you,
and then I flash my big smile again.
I think about you, I smile.
I am dreamy,
I am in love.
I just love to look at you.
So I can smile again a
nd think about you
and be dreamy again,
and be in love again.
:-)
I look at you,
and then I flash my big smile again.
I think about you, I smile.
I am dreamy,
I am in love.
I just love to look at you.
So I can smile again a
nd think about you
and be dreamy again,
and be in love again.
:-)
29 June 2011
Indifference is King
i once read that the opposite of love isn't hate but indifference. eventually, i realized it to be true, and i saw how the best way to make someone panic is to show the other person how little you actually care about the situation.
the past couple of months, i couldn't even begin to understand why some people around me could be so indifferent about stuff. they simply didn't care -- i'd discuss with them something that (at least to me) seemed so earth-shattering and they'd say, "ganun talaga dito." the first month, i was all like, "i want to be model employee" and i heard nothing from them except a sarcastic "good luck". worse, i'd see people mocking those who made a big deal out of these things. then it hit me: indifference isn't only the opposite of love, it was a coping mechanism. being indifferent meant they didn't care either way, so if it didn't pan out the way they wanted it to, well, at least, they didn't feel anything about it in the first place. how positively ... astute?
this morning, probably still a bundle of negative energy from all the upset-ness (no such word, but couldn't think of an apt one) of yesterday, i sent this text message to a good friend: i have decided that ... i'll make a checklist of stuff for myself and i'll stick with my checklist for now - no emotions first, no feelings, just pure unadulterated focus on what has to get done. i figured i sort of screw myself up cause i allow myself to be nice, sweet, and horribly invested in things - work, relationships, service.
so no emotions first.i'm not exactly sure how it'll turn out. but maybe, just maybe, i'll be less stressed come december.
the past couple of months, i couldn't even begin to understand why some people around me could be so indifferent about stuff. they simply didn't care -- i'd discuss with them something that (at least to me) seemed so earth-shattering and they'd say, "ganun talaga dito." the first month, i was all like, "i want to be model employee" and i heard nothing from them except a sarcastic "good luck". worse, i'd see people mocking those who made a big deal out of these things. then it hit me: indifference isn't only the opposite of love, it was a coping mechanism. being indifferent meant they didn't care either way, so if it didn't pan out the way they wanted it to, well, at least, they didn't feel anything about it in the first place. how positively ... astute?
this morning, probably still a bundle of negative energy from all the upset-ness (no such word, but couldn't think of an apt one) of yesterday, i sent this text message to a good friend: i have decided that ... i'll make a checklist of stuff for myself and i'll stick with my checklist for now - no emotions first, no feelings, just pure unadulterated focus on what has to get done. i figured i sort of screw myself up cause i allow myself to be nice, sweet, and horribly invested in things - work, relationships, service.
so no emotions first.i'm not exactly sure how it'll turn out. but maybe, just maybe, i'll be less stressed come december.
25 June 2011
360° turn
When you think all the things you want from this world are already within reach, think again.
There would be times when your supposed big leap would turn out to be a giant back step; Or when you thought you were right there, stepping on top of your big dream cloud, you'd suddenly feel a slow churn climbing up from the soles of your feet to the core of your heart; after a while, you would feel nauseated and would decide to come down from your dreamboat. Or a very basic example like, one night, you prepared the clothes you would wear for work the next day, but morning came and then you decided to pick out a completely different wardrobe.
When your mind is set to doing something; when you are so focused on what you need to achieve and who you want to become; or when you believe that all certain things are right and perfect for you, why does, without any disclaimer at all, a feeling of doubt cross your little perfect world and disrupt you, one way or another?
Why the sudden revolution? Why the abrupt endings or the unexpected actions and super impulsive decisions? Why do they happen? Did we just wake up and find out that this was not healthy anymore? How can we ever cope up? And how can we know that this whole reinvention is best for us?
As for me, the feeling will either leave you with a big hole in your chest, making you so empty and sullen for disappointing yourself or the other people; or give you a taste of peace for freeing yourself from the trap you hardly knew you were in.
I learned that changes are bound to happen. It just depends on us; on how we are going to entertain or not entertain them. They bump into you because you may need more in your life, you may need growth. You may need to breathe a newer, fresher air.
We come down from our dreamboats from time to time. It’s not bad. It’s normal.
We change our minds. We change our lives. We change ourselves.
Guess no one stays the same after all.
END!
There would be times when your supposed big leap would turn out to be a giant back step; Or when you thought you were right there, stepping on top of your big dream cloud, you'd suddenly feel a slow churn climbing up from the soles of your feet to the core of your heart; after a while, you would feel nauseated and would decide to come down from your dreamboat. Or a very basic example like, one night, you prepared the clothes you would wear for work the next day, but morning came and then you decided to pick out a completely different wardrobe.
When your mind is set to doing something; when you are so focused on what you need to achieve and who you want to become; or when you believe that all certain things are right and perfect for you, why does, without any disclaimer at all, a feeling of doubt cross your little perfect world and disrupt you, one way or another?
Why the sudden revolution? Why the abrupt endings or the unexpected actions and super impulsive decisions? Why do they happen? Did we just wake up and find out that this was not healthy anymore? How can we ever cope up? And how can we know that this whole reinvention is best for us?
As for me, the feeling will either leave you with a big hole in your chest, making you so empty and sullen for disappointing yourself or the other people; or give you a taste of peace for freeing yourself from the trap you hardly knew you were in.
I learned that changes are bound to happen. It just depends on us; on how we are going to entertain or not entertain them. They bump into you because you may need more in your life, you may need growth. You may need to breathe a newer, fresher air.
We come down from our dreamboats from time to time. It’s not bad. It’s normal.
We change our minds. We change our lives. We change ourselves.
Guess no one stays the same after all.
END!
24 June 2011
Monologue
Marela, do not force it too much.
Some things are not meant to be.
Don't you SULK now, my dear. Stop scratching your back or your head.
You should not spend all your time figuring things out.
Vitamins, vitamins. Do not forget them.
Tostillas is not breakfast food nor the muffins !
You are fats all ovver. Weight loss now please.
Quit splurging. You will be out of work soon and you need to save up!
Call and talk with Clara more often. It can help you brighten your day.
Do not forget that on Mondays, you should always bring your laptop!!!
You ARE moping again! Stop that!
Pray, pray, pray.
Read the newspaper. It's been a long time since I last saw you holding PDI.
What happened? Use SMS for important purposes only.
Do not stare at your phone. It will never come.
Some things are not meant to be.
Don't you SULK now, my dear. Stop scratching your back or your head.
You should not spend all your time figuring things out.
Vitamins, vitamins. Do not forget them.
Tostillas is not breakfast food nor the muffins !
You are fats all ovver. Weight loss now please.
Quit splurging. You will be out of work soon and you need to save up!
Call and talk with Clara more often. It can help you brighten your day.
Do not forget that on Mondays, you should always bring your laptop!!!
You ARE moping again! Stop that!
Pray, pray, pray.
Read the newspaper. It's been a long time since I last saw you holding PDI.
What happened? Use SMS for important purposes only.
Do not stare at your phone. It will never come.
ABC's
tis raining again outside...every reports for this week have been passed to starbucks boss. bottomline im free to blog. have this feelin of relieving such time of slumbook eras. here's my version.
A - Age: 229
B - Boyfriend: None. .
C - Chore you hate: Ironing
D - Dad's name & occupation: Victorio Comia Clarin , haciendero :D
E - Essential everyday item(s): cellphone, face powder and lipbalm, tissue, chewing gum, my Singapore Ic, Ezlink,
F - Favorite actor/actress: Edward Norton, Tom Hanks, Josh Hartnett, Meg Ryan
G - Gold or silver: Neither
H - Hometown: Batangas
I - Instruments you play: noe
J - Job: Baker Hughes
K - Kids: 1 on earth, 1 in heaven
L - Living arrangements: Living alone
M - Mother's name and occupation: Rosalinda Lopez Dudaz, bussiness minded :)
N - Name and who are you named after: Maria Lorena - didnt even bother to think
O - Overnight hospital stays: Nyep, Medical City Ortigas
.P - Phobia: Afraif of being poor
Q - Quote you like: “Everything happens for a reason” (how passe..)
R- Ride/s I have: Corolla/VTI-S.
S - Shows/Soaps you like: MTV, The Wonder Years, Star in a Million, McGyver, World’s Most Shocking Videos
T - Time you wake up: Any time between 7 to 8 am.
U - Unique habit: Tinkers phone all the time; If gets bored or if dead air makes presence felt, hands start doodling, playing with hair, scratching back and head.
V - Vegetable(s)/Fruit(s) you refuse to eat: I eat veggies. For fruits, keep out durian, apple !
W - Worst habit: Making foul remarks.
X - X-rays you've had: Chest x-rays.
Y - Yummy food you make: uhmm… I can cook adobo.
Z - Zodiac Sign: Pisces.
so baduy..haha
A - Age: 229
B - Boyfriend: None. .
C - Chore you hate: Ironing
D - Dad's name & occupation: Victorio Comia Clarin , haciendero :D
E - Essential everyday item(s): cellphone, face powder and lipbalm, tissue, chewing gum, my Singapore Ic, Ezlink,
F - Favorite actor/actress: Edward Norton, Tom Hanks, Josh Hartnett, Meg Ryan
G - Gold or silver: Neither
H - Hometown: Batangas
I - Instruments you play: noe
J - Job: Baker Hughes
K - Kids: 1 on earth, 1 in heaven
L - Living arrangements: Living alone
M - Mother's name and occupation: Rosalinda Lopez Dudaz, bussiness minded :)
N - Name and who are you named after: Maria Lorena - didnt even bother to think
O - Overnight hospital stays: Nyep, Medical City Ortigas
.P - Phobia: Afraif of being poor
Q - Quote you like: “Everything happens for a reason” (how passe..)
R- Ride/s I have: Corolla/VTI-S.
S - Shows/Soaps you like: MTV, The Wonder Years, Star in a Million, McGyver, World’s Most Shocking Videos
T - Time you wake up: Any time between 7 to 8 am.
U - Unique habit: Tinkers phone all the time; If gets bored or if dead air makes presence felt, hands start doodling, playing with hair, scratching back and head.
V - Vegetable(s)/Fruit(s) you refuse to eat: I eat veggies. For fruits, keep out durian, apple !
W - Worst habit: Making foul remarks.
X - X-rays you've had: Chest x-rays.
Y - Yummy food you make: uhmm… I can cook adobo.
Z - Zodiac Sign: Pisces.
so baduy..haha
in search
proud naman ako!
di ko yun kinakahiya.
ibig sabihin lang nun may buto ako para panindigan ang mga decision ko sa buhay.
malaya ako. masaya.
ang dami nilang opinyon.
pakiramdam ba nila ako sila?
sila ba ang nasaktan?
kung sana alam nila ang kwento.
eto ang tama.
para wala ng iba pang masaktan.
libre lang naman humabi ng kwento.
kesa makasakit ng tao.
alam mo naman yun.
na ikaw yun.
minsan ang pagsasabi ng totoo.
ang dahilan ng pagkasira sa isang tao.
so pipiliin kung maging pipi.
para pagtakpan ka.
dahil yun ang da best gawin.
kahit iba ang opinyon mo.
di ko yun kinakahiya.
ibig sabihin lang nun may buto ako para panindigan ang mga decision ko sa buhay.
malaya ako. masaya.
ang dami nilang opinyon.
pakiramdam ba nila ako sila?
sila ba ang nasaktan?
kung sana alam nila ang kwento.
eto ang tama.
para wala ng iba pang masaktan.
libre lang naman humabi ng kwento.
kesa makasakit ng tao.
alam mo naman yun.
na ikaw yun.
minsan ang pagsasabi ng totoo.
ang dahilan ng pagkasira sa isang tao.
so pipiliin kung maging pipi.
para pagtakpan ka.
dahil yun ang da best gawin.
kahit iba ang opinyon mo.
23 June 2011
A little drama over here
It isn't healthy to feed yourself on "what-might-have-beens" -- the regrets and guilty feelings from the past.
Because they will drag you down and you won't be able to go anywhere.
Nothing is extra more important than today. Because today gives you all the chances in this world to make your future beautiful :)
I think I should tell this to myself too. Heheh. I think I should really try to forgive. As Nelson Mandela said on the movie, "Invictus", "Forgiveness liberates the soul". So I should really try.
Not that my soul is so depressed and trapped, but from time to time, there are a few snippets of that past that I don't like seeing in my head. It's probably because I felt paralyzed before -- not brave enough to see the real truth; not wise enough to realize; but blind enough to tolerate it and convince myself that 'that' is happiness.
It was a great gift from the Almighty to wake me up and feed my guts with courage then. But this time, I should be brave to just let the black past go. No need to state out the reasons, no need to relive them, no need to broadcast them either.
"There is no point of going back especially when you didn't leave anything behind."
IN my heart, I know I should just shake it off and be the supreme queen that I have always been. I owe it to myself :)
Things happen in our lives because of so many so many reasons. Sometimes, we don't see them right away; sometimes it would take a whole revolution of the earth; or sometimes, the reasons have always been there -- we just don't see them yet.
So for those ancient regrets and long overdue guilty feelings you have, i think it's about time to just let them be. THere's nothing more you can do about them after all.
Let's smile, the world loves us :)
Because they will drag you down and you won't be able to go anywhere.
Nothing is extra more important than today. Because today gives you all the chances in this world to make your future beautiful :)
I think I should tell this to myself too. Heheh. I think I should really try to forgive. As Nelson Mandela said on the movie, "Invictus", "Forgiveness liberates the soul". So I should really try.
Not that my soul is so depressed and trapped, but from time to time, there are a few snippets of that past that I don't like seeing in my head. It's probably because I felt paralyzed before -- not brave enough to see the real truth; not wise enough to realize; but blind enough to tolerate it and convince myself that 'that' is happiness.
It was a great gift from the Almighty to wake me up and feed my guts with courage then. But this time, I should be brave to just let the black past go. No need to state out the reasons, no need to relive them, no need to broadcast them either.
"There is no point of going back especially when you didn't leave anything behind."
IN my heart, I know I should just shake it off and be the supreme queen that I have always been. I owe it to myself :)
Things happen in our lives because of so many so many reasons. Sometimes, we don't see them right away; sometimes it would take a whole revolution of the earth; or sometimes, the reasons have always been there -- we just don't see them yet.
So for those ancient regrets and long overdue guilty feelings you have, i think it's about time to just let them be. THere's nothing more you can do about them after all.
Let's smile, the world loves us :)
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