My Prayer

Last night was an eye-opener for me. One sister shared that she would gladly go through all the painful experiences in her life all over again if it means knowing the Lord even more. Upon hearing this, I asked myself if I can say the same thing. And the jaded, critical, bitter me knew that I would answer in the negative.

I'm no stranger to pain. Some pains are worse than the others; most are lingering without any hope of seeing their ending. Some are easy to accept. Others, I am sure, are serving a purpose although I have yet to find out what they are. At a certain point, I've stopped asking God why they had to happen. I figured, I shouldn't question God's ways. After all, between the two of us, He's the one who sees the bigger picture. There's no point complaining. I tell myself that this is the right attitude---a total act of surrender and abandonment. As long as I accept whatever God sends my way, I'll be okay.

What I haven't been paying attention to, however, was the resentment that was starting to grow within me. The truth is, I'm not always okay. There are times when I want to demand an explanation from God. In fact, when I heard the sister share about her pains and how she experiences God amidst her sufferings, I couldn't help but think that maybe, God is playing favorites. And most of the time He chooses to bless everyone but me.

Of course, I know how twisted this thinking is. What amazes me is how God never stops showing me how false my notions are. Last night, He dealt with me through a prayer that one of the sisters shared. When she said that she remembered me when she was praying yesterday morning and was moved to invite me to their household, I knew at once that it was God's way of speaking to me, as it was in the same household where I encountered this beautiful prayer which really spoke to my heart. It is so appropriate to what I'm going through, I could have written it myself.

THE PRAYER OF AN EMPTY JAR

Jesus, I come to the warmth of your Presence
knowing that You are
the very emptiness of God.
I come before You
holding the water jar of my life.
Your eyes meet mine
and I know what I'd rather not know.

I came to be filled
but I am already full.
I am too full.
This is my sickness
I am full of things
that crowd out
Your healing Presence.

A holy knowing steals inside my heart
and I see the painful truth.
I don't need more
I need less
I am too full.

I am full of things that block out
Your golden grace.
I am smothered by gods of my own creation
I am lost in the forest of my false self
I am full of my own opinions and narrow attitudes
full of fear, resentment, control
full of self pity, and arrogance.
Slowly this terrible truth pierces my heart,
I am so full, there is no room for You.

Contemplatively, and with compassion,
You ask me to reach into my water jar.
One by one, Jesus, you enable me
to lift out the things
that are a hindrance to my wholeness.
I take each on to my heart,
I hear You asking me
" Why is this so important to you ? "

Like the murmur of a gentle stream
I hear You calling,
" Let go, let go, let go! "
I pray with each obstacle
tasting the bitterness and grief
it has caused.

Finally
I sit with my empty water jar
I hear you whisper
You have become a space for God
Now there is hope
Now you are ready to be a channel of Life.
You have given up your own agenda
There is nothing left but God.