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I spoke too soon.
Just when I thought I knew what I want and that I was on the brink of getting it, I realized that my heart was telling me otherwise.
The thing with having to make a decision is that it necessarily entails saying no to something else. It's very rare that you get to choose something and still claim your stake on another thing. So even though you are not yet ready to bid something goodbye, you simply have to because the other thing you're saying yes to wouldn't allow room for other options.
I am, of course, talking about my career.
The idea of undergoing a career discernment came when I felt a stirring in my heart to take on more responsibilities in my work. I felt that I was under-achieving and that all of my school blockmates were already making a name for themselves while I remain a "so-so" overseas. What I overlooked, however, was how unprepared I was for the many options that await me. It's a good problem, as a friend would say. For, unlike others who are having difficulties finding a job, I have the pleasure of actually weighing my options. But it's a problem just the same. As I've said, I am totally unprepared to move out of what's familiar and plunge into what promises to be a tough grind ahead. And yet, there are days when I get all worked up and excited with the thought of taking on new challenges that I get so bored going through the motions in my current work. The heart is truly deceitful. And it works overtime at being such whenever decisions as crucial as these have to be made.
I'm supposed to end my discernment anytime soon. So far, however, the only thing that has become clear is that I still want to be in the legal profession and that my passion for the law has not subsided regardless of what it has made out of me through the years. I know I want to specialize and excel in a specific field. I know that God wants the best for me and He wants me to choose, not out of fear but out of love. I know that His mercy and goodness will chase me wherever I go and whatever I choose. I know all these in my mind and in my heart. But at the end of the day, I still haven't found the answer to this one question: what do I really want?
So I just sigh and say that after years of believing that I know what I want, it's now back to the drawing boards for me. And my heart, as I'm finding out, is so not ready