editors in my life

we all live with editors in our lives. it could be your mom raising that single eyebrow at what you're wearing on your way to the mall. fiends pretty much do the same thing, telling you how your current squeeze looks more like zuma than the god you think he is.

and no matter how fiercely independent we believe we are, we get affected. we succumb to what people tell us, or believe about us.

yesterday, another editor popped into my life. all i wanted was to be honest to myself, to be able to look into the mirror and tell myself that "hey, you're pretty shallow for taking that against him, but you do, face it." instead, what i got was someone telling me that i shouldn't talk that way, think that way, for would i be able to bear being judged by the same yardstick.

i felt embarassed. tried apologizing, asking him why he thought that way. i felt so small in his eyes, that whatever impression i've made the last couple of weeks have been erased by one single post.

* * *

i've always been very honest to myself when it came to this blog. in fact, it was one of the reasons why i packed up and left the other blog -- i began feeling that too many people were reading it, people i didn't know and people i did know which resulted in me posting far fewer stuff. i've always thought i could say what i wanted to say in my blog.

* * *

i think that's the problem when you allow people to creep into your life. you allow them, and what they think, to affect how you see yourself. as he was telling me yesterday how judgmental i've been, i felt like crawling inside me and hiding. vanessa told me how it wasn't right that i felt that way but i did.

* * *

i guess that's what all of us would have to live with every single day. editors in our lives who because of one thing or another, we've given power to affect us.
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pretend healthy naman kasi. rage against the crazy hair in the meantime ...

On eating eggs and lovestory

You know how they say “Tell me what you eat and I shall tell you who you are.” But it wasn’t so much about what we ate that night, in what was our first date, that gave me a glimpse of who you are. I wasn’t sure if we intentionally starved ourselves earlier that night but precisely because we were hungry that time, we rushed to the restaurant a friend of yours owns.

You serve food on my plate and I poured Pepsi in our glasses. You'd ask mefrom time to time if I liked my food before you’d gently brush your hand on my knee as if to tell me how satiated you were by the feast. With a big smile on my face, you continued devouring your food with much gusto, oblivious of a speck of tomato sauce lingering between your lips and right cheek. I would wipe it away in time.

Three months after and I find us pigging out almost every day in your favorite hawker near your house. And though now I’m sure that we both adore food so much, you more than me, and we more carelessly gobble up our food this time, I still find you occasionally serving food on my plate and me pouring our favorite Pepsi in my glass.

There are so much more nuances in our eating habits that I have observed over time:

1. You would always defer the commencement of our eating course to give way to my ritual of blessing the food. Once you told me to “pray to MY God” which got me mad at you for minutes.

2. Weekends-When you’re not rushing to work, you prod me to have breakfast with you. And I’m not a breakfast person.Worse, I’m not a morning person.

3. Every meal, you consume a lot of rice while I make sure that we have a variety of viands. You can finish at least two cups of rice with just one dish while I order two to three viands to go with my one cup.

4. I practically order the same food while you vary your dishes every time. But perhaps this is mostly because we always have our meals later than normal that we have to deal with the limited choices left for us.

5. Whenever available, I would always get eggs for every meal as they are my favorite. I eat the egg whites last while you do the same with the egg yolk. If there’s only one egg left to eat between the two of us, I let you have the yolk.

6. With combo meals, you consume the chicken (with rice) or pizza first before you do the pasta. I do the reverse.

7. You like complementing your food with condiments like vinegar, fish sauce, or ketchup. I like the food the way it was prepared. I don’t like “mixing” tastes.

8. You eat slowly while I chow down my food speedily. I finish way ahead of you.

9. I have the weird impulsion to dance or verbalize my delight (e.g. Hmmm!, Yum!) when I like my food. You always tell me to calm down.

10. You need a fix of coffee with your meals. I don’t drink coffee because I palpitate after. I get my Pepsi instead.

I realize that it’s not only the food that we eat that tells us about who we are individually, but also how we eat that affirms who we are, together.

i wish ...

... for more reasons to flash a smile. as i grow older, i find myself smiling less and frowning more. that shouldn't be the case.


... i were nicer. i've been blaming hormones for my short temper for the past year. it's time to admit that hormones are but 75% of it -- the rest can be blamed to my temperament. still, that shouldn't be a bar to me attempting to be less of the person i am and more of the person i want to become.


... i had more money in the bank for security. now, this one's easy: lay off shopping

... life were less complicated. except thinking that alone makes it all the more complicated, IMHO.


there are so many things in life that i wish were true, except that they aren't. for now, though, i choose to be thankful for the things that ARE true.


i am thankful for all the opportunities for travel this year. i may be broke, but i gained a multitude of experience that cannot be bought with money.


i am thankful that i have a job that i *somewhat* love. it's a love-hate relationship, but at the end of the day, an a-ha moment is still enough to put a smile on my face.


i am thankful for family and friends, both of which i have -- maybe not in abundance, but they more than make it up for in quality.


life is STILL good.

true love

i don't even know who yani is, much less nicky. and sometimes, i can't help but ask, if your name is written ahead of your partner's, does that mean you love the other person more than he loves you? plus, taking into account that this graffiti was carved on a bamboo tree planted on the grounds of chapel on a hill, is this declaration of love the kind that's undying? or is it something that one might come back to, years later, if only for the purpose of scratching out the other person's name.


ahhhh, love. either things get better, or things don't. there just isn't any middle ground.


one friday, a couple of friends and i facebook-stalked c's crush. on his public profile, he had an album labeled "god's gift" which contained around 20 or so pictures of him with the girl. i didn't know which was more kilig -- the fact that they always seemed so happy and in love in the pictures or that he called her god's gift. i mean, i wouldn't mind being called god's gift to someone (i might have been, you know, especially someone who was as cute and godly and *insert everything else seemingly positive here* as c's crush.


then again, i can't help but be reminded of the post-it i had placed on my bathroom mirror -- i'd rather be single than to be married to the wrong man. it's there to remind me every single day that while there might be times that i couldn't help but crave for a lifelong partner, a lifetime is also too long to be live with a mistake. the original post-it i had placed was actually snatched by a person i dated a 12 years ago who, after reading it, said he "stole" it to put it in his wallet to remind himself every day that he wanted to be the right man for me. well, we all know how that ended, but i do hope that he'll be the right man to the girl he's dating now (if any).


right about the same time, a friend wrote on her facebook wall that "a woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her." i copied the quote and tacked it to my office bulletin board, yet another reminder to me that the man i will marry has to be more in love with God than he is with me. after all, all i can threaten him with is a lifetime of regrets; God, on the other hand, will be dealing with him eternally.


am i anxious about my state in life? oh yes, most definitely. but i am more anxious about making a mistake. and as i move forward on another aspect of my life, i am resting my anxieties on this one on God. some things i can take charge of. some things i can even manipulate (with my puny will). but after a slew of heartaches, heartbreaks, and "what was i thinking?" moments, this time around, i'm have taken the backseat.

who knew i'd get to the point where i'd actually say time flies?

when i was a kid, i could never understand why adults would say ang bilis ng panahon. cause for me it seemed like it took forever for time to pass.

apparently, when you graduate from college and you're more or less in charge with your own life, time actually does fly.

the reality of it struck me when i mentioned an old friend mentioned how she wanted to tap me for this reunion but thought twice about it since one of their resource persons happened to be my ex (friend).

so she asked me, would i be okay with that? of course, i said. come on.

then it hit me - it's been ten years? if that were a child, that child will be on his way to graduate grade school come june.


wow. 1999 meant ten years ago, ten years ago, i was young, hopeful, ready to take on the world, and becoming a lawyer was the farthest thing from my mind. ten years ago, i was 18.

so much has changed since then. i've gained more friends, weight, and a degree. i've changed jobs at least twice. i now know that straight hair can be only achieved either by a chemical process that involves hours and hours sitting in a parlor chair or by mechanically ironing my hair. i've deleted certain people from my life and added some. i learned to drive, wrecked a car, and bought spike. i've been through three laptops. my two bestfriends are now married while a third passed away before he could tie the knot. i've gone through several cellphones and simcards already.

when you break it down that way, i'm not really sure if time flew or i just wasn't so aware of what i did the last ten years of my life.