you've hit oil already. why are you still drilling?

there was so much fear in me so i kept trying to bail out. i guess it would have been more comforting if you were evil or you were hateful. i guess it would be easier if i didn't delude myself into thinking you and i had it good and there was something there that i've never found elsewhere.

I found the pieces in my hand
They were always there
It just took some time for me to understand
You gave me words I just can't say
So if nothing else
I'll just hold on while you drift away


but then i had to be me. i had to be the kid who constantly tugs at your arms to sit up and take notice. i wanted you to like me so bad that one day the real me just came out. and you hated it.

Cause everything you wanted me to hide
Is everything that makes me feel alive


i remember telling you for months. i usually give up after . i usually throw my hands up and move on. you told me, okay, it shouldn't be a problem, just so long as it doesn't happen on your birthday. your birthday is two and half months away. i'm still here. you're almost gone

The cities grow the rivers flow
Where you are I'll never know
But I'm still here
If you were right and I was wrong
Why are you the one who's gone
And I'm still here
I'm still here


you'd laugh at the things i do so as not to give in to that urge to bug you. i've deleted your number from my phone book so many times just so i don't go on texting you marathon messages. i've hidden my phone, watched crappy tv shows, even went out to give blood. anything just to quit thinking of you even for one single minute.

and when it all came crashing down on me, i couldn't put myself together. i couldn't be the independent girl you first liked. i couldn't be indifferent. i couldn't just walk away.

You've seen the ashes in my heart
You smile the widest when I cry inside and my insides blow apart
I try to wear another face
Just to make you proud
Just to make you put me in my place


i'm sorry. i'm sorry for bugging you day and night. i'm sorry for long phone calls that don't go anywhere. i'm sorry because i just couldn't relax.

But everything you wanted from me
Is everything that I could never be


had to take the day off to pick up the pieces of what used to be me. i sat in my desk. i slept. i forgot about food and taking a bath and everything else. all that mattered was how i was going to make it out of the door tomorrow a better person. all that mattered was to figure out a way for me to walk out block 104 with a smile, confidence once again intact, and a belief that the world is still a good place to be in

Maybe tonight it's gonna be alright
I will get better
Maybe today it's gonna be okay
I will remember


i know i bugged you again. i turned you off again with the non-stop questions, with me asking "why" and "why not" at every turn. i kept thinking if you would only say "yes" then things would be fine again. i thought that the answers were all in your court. i believed that all i had to do was to make you see it for what they were. but nothing i said made you change your mind.

I held the pieces of my soul
I was shattered
And I wanted you to come and make me whole
Then I saw you yesterday
But you didn't notice
You just walked away

Cause everything you wanted me to hide
Is everything that makes me feel alive


i think i've finally figured it out. sit still. i've hit oil. but i'm still drilling, and i'm driving you nuts.

i don't want you to walk away, although you may very well have already.

The lights go out the bridges burn
Once you go you can't return
But I'm still here
Remember how you used to say
I'd be the one to run away
But I'm still here


for once, i'm not going anywhere.

if you can't recognize the lines in between, they're from vertical horizon's "i'm still here". it's an amazing song.

intruder alert

i hate how i'd rather watch a crappy movie with you than go to bed after a long tiring day.

i hate how i'd rather watch a great movie with you than the person i promised i'd watch it with.

i hate how i showed you around one of my favorite places in the world and how you fell in love with it too unlike the others.

i hate how you stare at me while i ate my favorite carrot cake and how you stole the icing off my devil's food cake.

i hate how you'd call me to say goodnight and i'd be too sleepy to give you coherent answers.

i hate how you'd tell me you missed me half an hour after u drop me off.

i hate how being with you feels like wearing a favorite pair of stilettos -- confident and pretty but with a nagging thought that anytime soon you'd trip.

i hate how i'd put the phone on silent so that i wouldn't feel bad not hearing the message alert tone cause you're not texting but pleasantly surprised when i check the silent phone and there's one message received from you.

i hate how you try to make me mad at you so you can see me mad and laugh at me when i get all pissed and irritated.

i hate how in spite of this list i'd still rather spend time with you.

* * *

you've intruded, big time.

* * *

i just wish i've intruded in yours too. :)

cabinfever

i was exchanging SMS with a friend yesterday when she finally put what i've been feeling the past couple of months into words: cabin fever.


i know i couldn't explain it to friend x how i'd rather be alone these days. after all, i'm the kind of girl who can't even go to the bathroom alone. I even justify it by saying that maybe since i live alone, i've all this pent up energy waiting to be unleashed every time i'm around people.


the last couple of months however - and i'm trying to blame the hormones and injections for that - i've been craving for some serious alone time, especially time away from friend x. at first i thought it was cause there were things i couldn't do with friend x (like going to surplus shop which i absolutely loooooooove). then it came to the point where everything felt so tedious - eating lunch was tedious, walking to the parking was tedious, being around friend x was tedious. friendship, for the first time in my life, felt like a chore i couldn't wait to get done and over with.


and then she finally put a label to it: cabin fever. ever watched (or read) stephen king's the shining? we were <-this-> close, and while it was good (even great) during the best of times, i realized something about myself: that somewhere deep inside of me is that grade 4 kid who ate lunch alone so she could finish early and be in the library to borrow books before the afternoon classes began. i though high school (and all the intervening years in between) devoured that quiet girl whom the teacher could not remember. apparently, i was wrong.